JUNE 1, 2014: “Speaking Of Ghosts” …

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Dear Tonya:

Wow! Thanks a lot and now I’m in tears. I literally cannot remember the last time anyone other than my husband, sister, son or daughter have ever said such things to me. I know there are people who know “some of what I’ve been through” but not too many people will say the words. Okay so before this week is over I am going to send you what parts of The Diary I already have, but I still have so far to go. Everything about Zack and me is still too overwhelming for me to even begin to write about, although I’m sure the words will come to me just like all the rest have when it’s time.

I am so thankful for this season of change and yes I do also believe that your brother would have wanted this. And yes I understand how this makes you feel closer because that’s how I felt those several years after he left that I was always up there with your Mother. And as far as Zack’s take on my deep bond to your family and my failure to somehow “with time” have Mitch “and that two years” just somehow fade away? It’s just something he has always understood and THIS is why he is who he is to me. He isn’t offended to live with my ghosts and he has genuinely embraced them with me. I am so lucky and I can’t say it enough. Not many men could do it! Peter certainly couldn’t. He didn’t get it a all and to him Mitch was just “the guy she dated while we were divorced the first time who hit a brick wall on his motorcycle and died”. His response to my inability to let it all go was, “Well just get over it. People die, I get that, but stop making it all about you! Be happy with your car, your house and all your Louis Vuitton bags and TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS please while I’m out here working so you can live in this house again and get to shop at Neiman Marcus however and whenever you want”. “Whahhh, you’re so mistreated Catherine, get over your damn self!” That’s what Pete thought about me and Mitch. Do you see what I’m saying? But with Zack? Not so much. He cried when I told him about “that day and night” and has never ONCE failed to realize that just plays out loud in my head and often from out of nowhere, an when it does, he just holds me and cries with me all over again! He’s an angel, I’m telling you, he really is. Thanks for all you’ve said Tonya. I am so happy you’ll move to Texas one day. For real!

Baggage

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