“There’s a game life plays – makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were. I’d like to take some time to clear away everything I’ve planned. Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. There’s nothing left but wasted years. If I could change my life I’d be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can. If I could take the sides, I’d derail every path I could. I’m about to die, won’t you clear away from me and give me strength to fly away? Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years.” – Cold
I want you to know that although I didn’t make a big deal in the truck when you mentioned how much you loved the song “Wasted Years” an actual chill ran down my spine and across my skin when you told me and just can’t say it enough! That song has so much meaning to me and I listened to it when I was at The Meadows the day before I came home. It was as though God Himself needed me to hear it so I could start to understand the way my own mind and heart were truly broken and sick. Believe it or not that song played a huge part in my ultimate decision to once and finally turn my life inside out and somehow attempt to rise above myself. “There’s a game life plays, makes you think you’re every thing they ever said you were.” That’s how I became a Borderline Christian! The constant criticisms from grandma and grandpa, MY VERY OWN PARENTS (who you although you never knew were very much like your own) and unfortunately even your Dad? Those were the three people in this world that I loved, trusted and counted on the most to validate and protect me harm yet the only way any of them seemed to know how to “love”, “accept” or “validate” anyone was based on certain conditions being met. “If you do THIS you are bad but if you DON’T do that you are good!” “If you don’t follow our advice and do exactly as we say then we will wash our hands of and be done with you.” “If, then – if, then.” Seriously? IT’S SO FUCKING SCREWED UP AND THAT’S NOT LOVE AT ALL AND IF YOU REALLY ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEONE YOU JUST LOVE THEM WITH NO STRINGS OR CONTINGENCIES!
“Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I’m in?” You and me Christian? WE ARE BOTH OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES! Because we have both heard over and over and over again the “love you/hate you, you’re good/no, you’re bad” messages and now they play as negative tapes rolling repeatedly in the back of our minds such that neither of us know who the fuck we are anymore! We SOLD OUR SOULS to their “works and deeds based affections” and the endless price tags they came with and have now only failed ourselves by believing that “love” is only valueless bargaining chip people use to get what they want! And do you want to know what the saddest irony in all of this is? Somehow I believe that they do love me Christian just as I believe they love you too! None of them purposely set out to psychologicaly cripple or abuse either of us, but at the same time TO THIS DAY none of them can recognize or account for any of it! They all learned how to love from their own toxic family webs and so this fucking Spider-Man suit lives on!
So your job now, as was mine at the time I first heard this song, is to “take some time, clear away everything you’ve planned”. You have to retrain your brain and teach it to be kinder to YOU. We are surrounded by all these people Christian, who “love us the most in this world”, yet only with conditions. Love is not supposed to be this way, and it’s why you’re so mean to yourself Christian. You’ve been told so many times that “you’re a fuck up, a moron and a loser ” (but then five minutes later, “no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that”) that you literally don’t know who or WHAT you really are other than to say to yourself that you are “probably more bad than good”.
“If I could change my life, be a simple kind of man, try to do the best I can. If I could see the signs, I’d derail every path I could. Now I’m about to die, won’t you clear away a path, give me strength to fly away.” You see this is the part of the song that I would listen to over and over. I knew it was going to hurt everyone, and most especially you and your sister, and that it also might cost me everything (which did). But I truly was “about to die” if I couldn’t find that strength to clear my own path and finally “fly away” so I had to make a choice. If I had done “the good, right and unselfish thing” that your grandparents and dad kept guilting me towards doing stayed in that toxic cycle with your dad, not only would it have ended up literally physically killing me but sooner or later it would have irreparably damaged both you kids. So I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I had to be “selfish” and choose ME and therefore in my mind a better path for you and Gia.
Christian I’m so glad you are seemingly opening your eyes to yourself and how you may have became so angry, cynical, damaged and untrusting. I’ve been praying to God every night since I left that house that some day you would understand why I had to go! I just don’t want either you or your sister somehow becoming “me at age 40”, being hauled off to a facility with nothing but “wasted years” behind you. If I’d have known, understood or realalized even a shred of “me” at your age, 21, well who knows what could have been, right? The point is I don’t want you to spend too many more years being angry, broken and despising yourself. YOU’VE TORTURED YOURSELF ENOUGH! You have to get out of your own way now son so that you don’t end up driving yourself either crazy, dead or ALONE! And I’m sorry for this “wall” of a text message but I love you so much and every day that goes by I believe you are getting closer to rising above yourself too and thus leading a happy and peace-filled existence. You and I have both learned the very hard way by now that life is too damn precious and fragile. No more “Wasted Years” okay? ~ Mom