AUGUST 21, 2019: “The Unpopular Monster” …

… because if it weren’t for the fact that in my heart I know he was a believer, the words to this song that I also know for a fact were in his head would “obliterate me, disintegrates me, and annihilate me”:

Yeah. I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze. I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway. Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase. I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah.

I battle with depression, but the question still remains – is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage? And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase. Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day, and it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage. It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me – ’cause I’m about to break down. I’m searching for a way out. I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer. I’m a popular, popular monster. I break down, falling into love now with falling apart. I’m a popular, popular monster.

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze. Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace. I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace. How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing. Every second that I waste is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take, but my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage. Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay.

Motherfucker, now you got my attention. I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing. And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine? Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified.

I fell asleep at the wheel again. Crashed my car just to feel again. It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me – ’cause I’m about to break down. I’m searching for a way out. I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer. I’m a popular, popular monster. I break down, falling into love now with falling apart. I’m a popular, popular monster.

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh. We’re sick and tired of wondering. Praying to a god that you don’t believe. We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found. So, the question I ask is, “Oh, where the fuck is your god now?”

‘Cause I’m about to break down. I’m searching for a way out. I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer. I’m a popular, popular monster. I break down, falling into love now with falling apart. I’m a popular, popular monster.

{“Popular Monster” by Falling In Reverse}

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: None of you will ever really know what the demons that were literally devouring his mind at the end made him to do me and my daughter. They were turning him in to the “unpopular monster” that he knew he was going to have to put down.