DECEMBER 20, 2019: “Because Queens Get Flowers” …

IMG_8068Yesterday morning, while arranging my weekly flowers, I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I looked up to the sky and said:

Well Williamson, you DID say you never wanted a day to go by that there weren’t fresh flowers in the house for me, right? Just because you’re gone, it doesn’t mean there won’t be flowers in this house for me ALWAYS. Not only would you hate that, but as it happens, I’m STILL a queen, and after all that has been said and done, I FRIGGING DESERVE THEM!

… at which point I just kept primping them in my absolute favorite container with nothing but the truest joy in my heart, all the while thanking GOD for the real life Superman he sent to me, if only for a season, to once and finally remind me that I am worthy of all the most beautiful things in this world, not the least of which are any and all kindnesses, no matter how simple or grand, that I so choose to bestow upon myself all the remaining days of my life. I will continue to treat myself how I wish to be treated by others while I continue to survive in this realm: WITH POWER, GRACE, LOVE, AND KINDESS!

I have always loved flowers, and despite the outward appearance and accoutrements of my life, I am not a person whose affection can be bought. Quite the contrary, actually, and some day when you REALLY get to know me you will understand exactly why. In my lifetime I have had many “things” and enjoyed many material luxuries and comforts, none of which however prevented me from reaching a point in my own journey where the toxic web I was born into and then perpetuated in both marriages to my first husband literally almost cost me my life, did momentarily slay my mental well-being and yah, at a few junctures made me literally just want to DIE. SEE ALSO: “Girl Interrupted” … the uncut version … the very last and tragic farewell at my ex’s 12 years ago that found me barely functioning and seriously not okay! The first of my castles left so far behind with only not even a shred of anything that closely resembled sanity, my daughter and what personal belongings I could fit into my car. ZERO “STUFF” DID I WANT FROM HIM! I JUST WANTED OUT!

My point being …

Of all the beautiful flowers I’ve ever been given from both my husbands in this lifetime, it turns out it was actually the less expensive, store-bought ones from Zack that I cherished and remember the most. The ones he often had to go truly out of his way to bring to me depending on where in the world he was working at the time. Anyone married to someone in the new home sales industry knows exactly what I’m saying. It’s a career path that is not for the faint of heart! “To whom much is given” is the mindset you must embrace, as for all the abundance there’s a cost, even when it comes to something as seemingly simple as picking up flowers for your wife. The subdivisions he worked were often way far off the beaten path and not at all conducive to “let me just run in for a minute and get her some flowers”. Not to mention the fact that by the time he locked those model home doors every night, ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS COME HOME! So indeed, every time that man walked in the door with flowers in his hand, I knew in my heart what they’d truly “cost” him: Time, energy, effort, and thought. Those are things that no man’s money will EVER be able to buy me. Trust me: Been there. Done that. Got the medal AND the scars from that scene AND NOW I’M JUST SO OVER IT!

So, with that, I am thankful again this morning for the many gifts he left behind for me. My “Superman” may have fallen with a bloodied, torn, and twisted cape around his neck, but trust me when I tell you, he hasn’t left my atmosphere, nor will he ever! He refused to let me see anything but the best things in myself, and I refuse to EVER creep back to that shadow I once lived behind where I was only ever as good as how the sick and toxic people in my life up to that point decided to judge me. No more shame in this game! I AM A TRUE QUEEN! Beautiful. Disastrous. Broken. Whole. Strong. Fierce. Smart. Funny. Capable. Ridiculous. Chaotic. COHERENT AND AWARE OF THE REFLECTION OF MYSELF I FOUND IN THE MIRROR OF HIS EYES FOR THE LAST ELEVEN YEARS! Wow! Look at me! The girl who once waged war with herself and her many wounds now brings flowers to her scars! Guess what people?  YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GIRL!

If you are reading this right now, I would like to pose a challenge: Is there someone special in your life? TAKE 20 MINUTES TODAY TO GO AND GET THEM SOME FLOWERS! And remember, they don’t have to be expensive. If your beloved is worth any of your time, thought, and attention, they will appreciate the gesture for all the right reasons just as I did on the countless occasions Zack brought flowers to me.

If you DON’T have someone special in your life? TAKE 20 MINUTES TODAY AND GO GET YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS! You too are royalty, and you can be your OWN superhero! Having a healthy, loving, forgiving and unconditional relationship with YOU is the first step to BECOMING a superhero in the first place! Life is hard my friends! I mean – it’s really, really, REALLY hard! Giving yourself flowers is a simple act of kindness you can bestow upon yourself because YOU DESERVE THEM AND YOU CAN!

Oh, and one last thing …

This song was particularly special one for Zack and me, because when we met, we were both an “amaryllis”.

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AMARYLLIS

In a while now I will feel better, I’ll face the weather before me. In a while now I’ll race the irony and buy back each word of my eulogy. All the uninvited tragedies. Step outside. Ask yourself now where would you be without days like this when you finally collide with the moment you can’t forget. So, do I remind you of someone you never met? A lonely silhouette? And do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be? So far out of reach. Oh, I wish you’d open up for me ’cause I wanna know you. Amaryllis. Bloom. Stay a while now. Undress your colors ’cause they’re like no others I’ve ever seen. I could get used to your company. Step inside. Ask yourself now where would you be without days like this when you finally collide with emotions you can’t resist?”  {Shinedown}

OCTOBER 4, 2016: “The Day Of The Homemade Kitchen Flowers” …

Once a week for about five years I’ve treated myself to fresh flowers, and this despite the fact that Williamson is an avid flower sender. Meanwhile, I’d been hoping and praying that eventually Gia would notice and finally ask me the question for which I’ve been SO excited and prepared. But I wanted her to be the one to initiate the conversation so that hopefully my answer would take root in her psyche forever …

GIA: The arrangement is really pretty this time, mom. Plus, it’s hydrangeas AND lillies, BOTH of our favorites combined!

ME: It’s turning out great, right? My homemade “kitchen flowers” make me so happy every week!

GIA: But I have a question though. Daddy ALWAYS sends you flowers, so why do you even NEED to buy your own?

ME (Heart SWELLING): Because daughter, WHY NOT? I decided many years ago that I was going to stop waiting for the world and all the people in it to “bring me my happy” and get out there and start bringing it to MYSELF! It’s especially important for moms to treat themselves kindly when they can, because it’s a very hard job and sometimes the things that moms do and give tend to go unnoticed or recognized, often unintentionally. Life happens and people get busy – ESPECIALLY most daddies – so moms have to remember to appreciate and value themselves regardless of who else remembers. You will always be able to make and find your OWN joy in life, as long as you are willing to search for it. So, I want you to promise me that when you grow up you will treat YOURSELF to fresh flowers often, BECAUSE YOU CAN AND DESERVE IT!

GIA: Mommy, you know what? I am SO going to do that and I’m going to give this same talk to your granddaughters one day! We will start a new trend in our family of “get yourself some flowers girl”!

ME: You just made my day, Gia. I’ve been waiting for you to notice that I buy myself flowers forever and finally ask me why! Now that you know, I really, REALLY hope that someday when you have a house of your own and I stop by to make a visit that I see some “homemade kitchen flowers” on your counter from YOU to YOU!

I … AM … BLESSED!

And now I want to challenge every woman I know who is going to read this right now to go and get herself some kitchen flowers PRONTO! Life’s too short NOT to live like the queen you truly are every … single … day!