FEBRUARY 20, 2020: “If That’s What It Takes” …



“You say you fell out of love with no place to stand. You say your heart’s on the mend from a broken romance. You say you don’t want to trust because it hurts too much. And you think I’d never understand. Tell me what have I got to do to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You say, you don’t need my love but I know it’s a lie. You say I shouldn’t even try. Tell me what have I got to lose to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You need me to turn the tide of your ocean. Let me set your heart back into motion.” ~ Clay Crosse

Today was a hugely important day for me, if not THE most important decision-making day of my life thus far. I won’t go into details of what exactly this decision was, but trust me when I tell you – it was a big one! As I made the drive from home to Dallas it was a crisp, cold, insanely beautiful morning with a sky bright blue and clear. Yet as sure as I was that the decision I was making was right, the entire drive there I was talking out loud to God, my angels, my husband, and pretty much anyone “beyond” who was listening. “I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!” I was begging for an answer, “Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?” Even after I parked and was headed into the building and up the elevator I was asking the Cosmos, “Please, just ONE sign?” But? I got nothing. It was all good though, because after all, Zack’s best friend of a lifetime was joining me there to help guide me through the process. Rick was his rock, his true confidant, and the only human man he trusted and looked to as a father in all things big or small. Having him with me just set me at ease.

When I finally made it to the office where the woman I was meeting with was waiting, I sat down beside Rick and all the fun began. By the second hour in, our partnership had indeed commenced, at which point Rick had to leave. Research was being done, calls were being made, and forms being prepared for my signature while I just sat there patiently in my chair watching allt the magic. This woman was literally planning my future. As I gazed around at the various “things” in her office it felt like I was in my own little world. Then as I glanced over to a table with a vignette of personal pictures and trinkets she had evidently collected along the way, it happened! THE SIGN I BEGGED “THEM” TO SHOW ME ALL BUT DROPPED RIGHT DOWN FROM HEAVEN! A silver frog with a crown on his head was sitting right before my eyes! I almost came out of my skin!

And just like that I was yet again reminded that this God I serve is so faithful. “Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?” No Sir, You don’t. You’ve been making a believer out of me since I first realized I was broken, and while I’ve clearly already known this all the while, this moment between us was unbelievable. You just keep showing me, and showing UP for me, in every thing big and small. I want You to know that I’m thankful for ALL OF THIS and I know You’re planning to use it all for Your glory. Thank you for never letting me down and never letting me go. I love You.



SUMMER OF 1988: “The Stained Glass Windows” …


“Just beneath the rafters in a church of stone laid a stained glass window in the attic all alone. A work of art forgotten – a treasure thrown away. Taken from the sunlight, it was just a useless frame. Oh the things in life we take for granted, the things of wonder we could know. I want to be illuminated, full of Heaven’s light, shining through my life. Let the window of my heart reveal your love. I took the stained glass window and held it to the light … years of hidden glory reappeared before my eyes. Every brilliant color glowing like a fire. Full of revelation and created to inspire., Thirsty for your morning sun. Let your love in me unfold, all this beauty to behold. There’s a stained glass window in the soul of man – a pattern of perfection that was made with holy hands. With the light of heaven pouring through each pain, truth in all it’s splendor is revealed and will remain.”  – Clay Crosse

I headed off to college in Corsicana, Texas, which was a much welcomed and necessary escape from the “Mean Girls” scene at old Allen High. Away at college no one really gave a second look to my ethnicity and everyone was just so “different”. Different colors, creeds, backgrounds – different Gods and perspectives. It was there that I realized that I was only a tiny piece of this beautiful multi-cultured tapestry of life and it was also then during my freshman year that I met my future husband (who for the his sake alone shall heretofore be referred to as either “Him” or “He” in this Diary).

“Him”. My GOD was he good looking! Solidly chiseled six foot two and 200 pounds with deep green eyes to get lost in!  We met there in Corsicana at the YMCA and after many months of cat and mouse began dating. We continued to date once I graduated from Navarro and transferred to the University of North Texas and this went on for about a year.

By this time my sister Julie had caught up with me and was then beginning her freshman year also at UNT and we lived together, which was such an experience I’ll never forget!  By then, however, I had developed a dangerous eating disorder and at one point had dropped down to about 100 pounds and a size zero. My obliterated self-esteem had finally caught up with me and I had gone almost an entire year without keeping a meal down. My family tried to help me, but unfortunately, I was much weaker than my disease. I’m not so sure that anyone, including myself, understood what my disease was about in the first place, which not only didn’t help but eventually just perpetuated matters. After first being hospitalized and then intensely counseled I went ahead and dropped out of school at the middle of my junior year so that I could go back home and recover, which I did, or at least I thought I did, the Christmas of 1990. 

It took almost an entire year for me to finally catch Him and He was certainly not an easy one to reel in. Sometimes I’m ashamed of how I insinuated myself into every aspect of his life, and could probably have compared my tactics to those of a common stalker. Looking back I now have a much better understanding of why He was “so hard to catch”, which I will surely venture into at some point in this Diary. That January, however, and after a bit of coaxing by my father, He asked me to marry Him after which time mom, Julie and I spent the next 10 months planning my fairytale wedding, for which absolutely no expense was spared!

He and I were married on October 19, 1991.  Things were relatively simple for us back then.  He worked a warehouse in Corsicana and planned on becoming a fireman. I became a paralegal secretary in Dallas and loved it. We made the cutest little home in Ennis and began our life together. Again, I was young and a bit spoiled at times and looking back I realize that I was so busy planning the wedding that I completely overlooked the “being married” part that would soon follow. Still, it seemed as though we loved each other enough at the time and were relatively happy, and things might have been just fine, but then …

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