DECEMBER 19, 2020: “I’m Gonna Love You” …

James kisses Margaret before he comes to see us. James kisses Margaret before he does pretty much anything.

{The Daily James}

Dear God:

Earlier today I got my saw this video on my Instagram feed, which I’m sure You already knew. Knowing my heart the way You do, You also already knew how taken I was, once again, by the way James literally bows to that Queen he loves so desperately, yet at the same time, no matter how high he places her above himself, he is only ever right beside her. As You and I both know, and as I finally got to learn in the most ethereal way, when a king loves a queen love so deep and so true that each of their hearts but serve the other, the balance of power is never a struggle and there is no “servitude” whatsoever.

As we have already discussed, You know that I know that I trust You implicitly. You and he both made me a queen, and there is no going back to where I came from. I will not and cannot settle for anything less than everything where another partner on this journey is concerned, and I’d rather reign here “alone, but not lonely” if that’s what Your plan shall be. That being said, if indeed there “one last king on Earth” You have waiting for me somewhere, can I please just ask that he really be a king. Like You. Like Zack. LIKE KING JAMES THE RAVEN …

THE RULER OF QUEEN MARGARET’S HEART!

It’s an impossible order, but hey, look Who I am talking to! I’ve had two kings before, and three is the perfect number, so maybe, just maybe, we shall see. In the meantime, I will just have to wait for the moments like these when the image of two love birds washes over me. “Just a chill in a winter breeze, standing in the cold debris that left behind so many beautiful memories.” Like every word that has left Your lips, and those of my beautiful husband, there are fingerprints everywhere to evidence the love that has committed me right back to “here”. I really do only want to be remembered for being that one who will always ever say “I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly” to that one last king who may be waiting to fly the remainder of my heart into eternity.

James almost always positions his head right below Margaret.

{The Daily James}

I’M GONNA LOVE YOU

Something still comes over me. Just a chill in a winter breeze. Standing in the cold debris left behind a memory. Every word that left your lips left behind your fingerprints. Every crime that love commits brings you right back here to this. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. I’ll never be one to yell surrender as long as you’re standing next to me. ‘Cause I’m gonna love you. I’m gonna love you endlessly. No escaping this embrace every time I see your face. Around the love I can’t erase. Wouldn’t want to anyway. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. {David Cook}

DECEMBER 10, 2020: “I’ll Carry Them” …

Dear Mom …

Could any two words in the history of written language EVER melt a heart so quickly as they do mine? OH but the irony here! In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a very sentimental person. It’s all those little things in my life, like the sticks, the rocks, the dried up flowers, and love notes from my people that mean literally “everything” to me … and yes, to the best of my ability … I KEEP THEM ALL! I’ve had this love note from Gia to me and Zack resting on the typing stand on my desk since literally the day I found it waiting on my keyboard to be found as a surprise and read, “November 29, 2014”. The other one, however, I only recently found when I was shuffling through a stack of papers that were inside my desk that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. You know the stack? “Toss it, or keep it? Hmmmm. I’ll just keep it and deal with it later!” Meanwhile, years later, and ya FINALLY start going through it all!

The love note from Christian (Circa 2008″, age 16) was also left as a surprise for me to find on the keyboard of my computer when I was still living at His house with all of them. Sadly, it wasn’t too long afterwards that I’d made my final departure once and for all. And by the way, how completely crazy is it that both their notes were done in either the same or a very similar font? For the record, I chose today to publish this post because it’s “midway” between November 29th and December 18th. I just split the difference and landed here!

I’m not gonna lie, when I found Christian’s note it tore me up pretty good, but not in the traditional “torn up” way. It was good. Bittersweet tears flowing from my eyes at just the right time and space. It’s these precious little bits of “everything” from days gone by that remind me that although I’ve definitely had my fare share of screw ups and not-so-stellar mom moments, at the end of the day, this is what I’ve been fighting for. I carry them while they carry me forward as a Light Into The Dark.

In being honest, these love notes from my kids do also make me a little sad. That beautiful king who gave us absolutely everything never had this as a child, and that’s what eventually broke him. She broke him into pieces and he’s gone. Luckily, however, I can let him rest in peace knowing that he did finally have a home and “everything” to carry him through the season we were lucky enough to have him.

APRIL 19, 2009: “Circadian” …

IMG_8313

It was a Sunday afternoon and He and I were separated again. I’d been out running errands and arrived home for dinner at my parents’ where I’d been living, right down the street from what used to be my house and still is His. When dinner was over, I walked out to my car, opened the door, and found this envelope taped to my steering wheel. It was “The Letter” from my father that changed everything – his way of urging me to “do the right thing and go home” via these Pros and Cons, which were nothing short of narcissistic, emotional abuse, blackmail and toxic parental extortion:

IMG_8312So, maybe I should have renamed this entry:

APRIL 16, 2009: “Are You Fucking KIDDING Me Right Now … My Life Is A Farce … Haven’t You Heard ONE Thing I’ve Said … My Marriage Is Toxic … I’ve Been Trying To Tell You For Years … All We DO Is Fight … All We HAVE Is Tension … We’re Only Roommates And It’s Been That Way From The Start … I Don’t Think We REALLY Love Each Other … Pretty Sure We Never Did … We Only Got Married Because You MADE US And I WASN’T EVEN PREGNANT … I’ve Been TRYING To Repair The Damage For Years And Have LITERALLY Begged Him On My Knees To Meet Me Halfway … BUT … He Won’t Leave His Theatre Room … He Won’t TALK To Me … He’s NOT Looking Out For Me … He’s NOT Taking Care Of My Heart Or Soul … We Abuse EACH OTHER Daily … He Won’t Release Me From The Past … He Holds My Mistakes Over My Head … OMG I THINK I MARRIED YOU … My SON Is Being Verbally Abused … AND Emasculated … In That VERY Nice HouseI Can’t See My Reflection In A MirrorI’m Afraid I’m Going To Give My Daughter An Eating DisorderOh Yah – I HAVE AN EATING DISORDERThere’s A Dragon Circling Above Me And A Venom Suit Trying To Suffocate Me … All I Do Is Cry … HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON GETTING MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK WHEN I NEVER FUCKING SLEEP … I’ve Only Been PRETENDING To Be Happy So Everyone ELSE Could Be Happy And NOT Go To THEIR Graves With Unrest … All The Nice Things I Buy When I Go Shopping With The Credit Card In My Very Nice Car Aren’t Fixing Anything … I HAVE NEVER BEEN FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT … I’ve Been Praying For A Bus To Run Me Over … It’s Not Just Your DEAR Wife And My Kids Who Fucking Need You … “GOD Forbid Anything Happens To MOM?” … Yah, GOD Forbid Anything Happens To ME! ... Because … MY KIDS ARE WATCHING ALL OF THIS AND MY GREATEST FEAR IS THAT I’VE ALREADY LOST THEM AND THEY WON’T LIKE ME ANYMORE!

After reading it, I drove to His house, because in that moment I desperately needed to see my kids. I’d been standing out front waiting for them because I didn’t want to go back inside, the whole time just knowing that something dark was coming. I could feel it in my skin and bones. I literally couldn’t breathe, but could feel my adrenaline dumping. I was crumbling inside. When I looked up and saw my babies at the door, I was done! I finally had the nervous breakdown I’d fighting SO hard not to have for too many years to count! I am certain there were Angels present with me and my children in that moment, and if it is true that Angels cry, then they had to be crying their fucking eyes out as they witnessed the tragedy that was happening on that driveway. They had to literally peel my son from my body so that I could by taken away. He too was crumbling, and I’d never seen him cry so much. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a sad little puppy that just wanted to be picked and held. FUCK!

I’d actually gone insane!

By 9pm that night I was on an plane to The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, and arrived at the facility just before midnight. I was SO mentally FUCKED that the intake doctor made the decision to very heavily medicate me as soon as I was “processed”. I slept so long and hard that I wasn’t even assimilated into the campus population for more than 72 hours. My toxic childhood and the ensuing fallout from my self-sabotaged adulthood had won their final round in the circadian that had become my life, and I was mentally and physically broken.

CIRCADIAN

Who’s to say we’ll make it through? Starting to believe that what we think is never true. And who’s to say the rhymes beside your bed will keep you warm when everything is getting colder? And I’m just holding on until it’s over. Mayday! Somebody save me now. I’m closing my eyes ’cause once the sun rises it’s out of my hands. It’s out of my hands. Who’s to say this history isn’t only just some winter’s distant memory? You can’t escape this drying ink. The fall of who we are is getting closer and I’m just holding on until it’s over. Mayday! Somebody save me now. I’m cutting all ties from the world outside ’cause it’s over my head. It’s all coming undone and falling apart somehow. I’m closing my eyes ’cause once the sun rises it’s out of my hands. Oh it’s out of my hands. The light pulls me under and I keep on caving in. {David Cook}

TO READ MORE ABOUT EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL AND MANIPULATION:

5 Personality Emotionally Personalities

Classic Toxic Parent Moves

The Narcissistic Father

What Is Toxic Parenting?

MAY 24, 1998: “My Declaration” …

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DECLARATION

I’ll take you just the way you are, imperfect words inside the perfect song. I feel you closer than you are but I’ve been waiting far too long. It’s my declaration to anyone whose listening … You’re my inspiration as I stand alone against the world. Cause you love and you bleed and you stole my soul to set me free … It’s my declaration.  Do you care what I believe, ‘cause I’m still breathin’? Or that I wear your heart upon my sleeve? Sometimes I think you never knew, the only truth I see is you. It’s you. And are there any words to say that would ever mean enough, when the light runs from the day, will the darkness be too much? Will I ever be enough? {David Cook}

I returned from the gym to find Mitch pacing frantically as I pulled into the driveway but before I could even put the car in park, he had jumped into the passenger seat and said, “DRIVE! We have to get to the hospital NOW!”  Fifteen minutes later in a family-filled emergency room He and Mitch finally got their chance to meet. Mom, grandma and Christian had been in a near-fatal accident and but for the grace of God they were all alive! Amidst all this chaos however and before I even realized it, I looked to find the two of them outside the front doors of the emergency room in what was obviously heavy conversation. According to Mitch they had been speaking about the expectations and boundaries each of them had for one another and when the conversation was, they shook hands and returned to the waiting room. For me, it was a 10-ton weight lifted off my shoulders because I still loved Him and very much needed his approval before I could move forward in my new life with Mitch.

The six days that followed the accident were a whirlwind of excitement! Mitch was overjoyed that He had given him his blessing and went full steam ahead with the plans he had for our future. He had called his mom that Sunday night, gone to see a jeweler on Tuesday and called his travel agent on Wednesday. He wanted to get married on a beach in Tahiti the weekend of my birthday that September. Especially exciting was the fact that Mitch had asked that he finally be allowed to go Christian’s school, meet his teachers, be added to the “pick up list” and take him out to a special lunch that afternoon, just the two of them, which, he did. How could I have possibly known how that what began as perfectly beautiful day with such high hopes for an entire future would go so tragically wrong?