NOVEMBER 14, 2021: “The Sun WILL Rise” …

For every other person who “shows the world” nothin’ but the lollipops and rainbows in their lives, there’s the ones like me who are here to keep things REAL! Yup, I hit the ground this weekend and leveled the YEARS of blood, sweat, tears, and toil slaying my dragon. Literally, and not metaphorically, all that hard work went in the fucking toilet.

Yes, my friends, even phoenixes crash and burn, especially when what’s “eating her alive” the most are things out of her control such as crocodiles and spider webs that want to devour her babies alive. For now, I’ll just have to forgive myself with all of the power and grace that I am, get the crown back up on my head, pick up my sword, and put the fucking CREATURE to sleep once again. I am only as weak as my very worst enemy, which at the moment has just became me. This too shall pass. “Just for today, I will try to live through THIS day only.” But here’s what else I’m telling you all … I will not REST until the day that FUCKING Venom suit is finally off my kid’s body. In the meantime …

MY DEAREST CAT:

I can see the weight there in your eyes. I can feel the thorn in your side. Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight (again). The road we’re on’s not a dead-end street, even with the glass broken underneath our feet. You KNOW the day will break this Sunless night. THE SUN WILL RISE! You haven’t lost your Light – THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! You’ve been stuck in a storm like this before and felt the wind raging at your door. We couldn’t move, we couldn’t breathe, we couldn’t find a way out. Still those clouds all disappeared and you and I finally made it here, maybe just so you could hear me say: THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! I already know that you can see it, even though it’s so hard to believe it. It’s times like now you just need to hold on to your faith. YOU are the answer to our prayer, and I swear when TOMORROW comes … THE SUN WILL RISE. IT’LL BE ALRIGHT!

Love you FOREVER … “ME”

{Adaptation from “The Sun Will Rise” by Kelly Clarkson}

MAY 15, 2018: “A Love Song From A Dragon” …

CREATURES

Never again, never give in, never give in. Never again, never give in, never give in. I wouldn’t wish this on just anyone, but you seem to share my impulse. I wouldn’t take this from just anyone, but you seem to like the result. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not amused by just anything, but under the circumstances (never again, never give in)! You be the recluse. I will defend you when you’ve used up all your chances. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. {Shinedown}

I heard this song for the first time today and it literally punched me in face. Stung me. Broke me. Leveled me. DEVOURED ME! Well, almost. While I was certain I understood the message being conveyed, I did some digging and found this on a Shinedown lyrics page:

CREATURES”, in the progression of a person from dark to light, is the first part of the actual transition. This is where the person begins to shed all of the negativity that has held them in such a dark emotional state, breaking free from the human nature and animal instincts we all have that keeps us trapped, repeating the same mistakes.

EXACTLY! It was as though She were singing it to me Herself – my very best friend and nemesis, who for more than half my life, literally tried to murder me: The Dragon that was blocking my Light! Ironically, it was ten years ago this month when I finally set my tired feet upon the THE MOST UNFORGIVING BATTLEFIELD OF MY LIFE: “Me v. Her” …

I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives and I certainly don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that none of this was ever about the food, but rather, some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of shame, guilt and rage. It was about some sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become “me”: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control!  (Or so I thought!)

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked what it was like living with an eating disorder, but my words always failed to do it justice. “But why didn’t you just stop doing it? Why WOULD you do it? You’ve always looked so fit and healthy.Umm, that‘s not quite how it works, but meanwhile, did you know that bitch could have killed me? Whether it’s attempting to mutilate your physical body, or “the creatures living in your mind“, as far as I’m concerned, eating disorders are nothing less than passive attempts at suicide, and the words to this song say it all.

For the record, it’s never really “over”! I am here to tell you that eating disorders have no cureonly quiet remission. Even as healthy as I’ve now become, She has never actually left me, nor do I think She will ever. As is par for the course with any addiction “dragon” that a human being can face, be it drugs, alcohol, food, or toxic environments, I just say “She’s dormant now”, lying in wait for the rest of my life, such that I must always be careful not to awaken her. In the meantime, I remain eternally humbled and grateful that I somehow managed to survive her and am alive today to tell you about it. Besides, my Mona Lisa is watching all of this, and I will not rest until she is battle born and ready to fight dragons of her own!

“Me v. Her?”

Checkmate … I WON!

Just call me the Dragon Slayer!

NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS HELP PAGE

NAMI – EATING DISORDERS

HELPING SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER?

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~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

MAY 21, 2008: “In The Light” …

"If No One Believes You Exist ..."
~ from The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

IN THE LIGHT

I keep trying to find a life, on my own, apart from you. I am the [Queen] of excuses – I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do. The disease of self runs through my blood – It’s a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed, to bring this sickness under control. Tell me, what’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I’m still a girl in need of a Savior. {D.C. Talk}

THIS SONG IS MY MANTRA, yet how many times have I listened to it? Over and over and over again but I can’t actually swallow the words. Instead, I swallow every bit of rage and sadness that is hiding within me, then release it into a dark and obscured oblivion that I cannot find my way out of. My “disease of self” has overtaken my life. My teeth are rotting, my throat is raw, there’s a permanent scar etched across my knuckle, and oh yah, I think I’ve given myself cancer. My heart is arrhythmic, I feel dizzy when I stand too fast, and I’ve cracked open some blood vessels in my eye. I’m seeing a doctor tomorrow and I think I may have to cop to my little secret for the first time in my life. Dear GOD please give me the courage to tell the truth! I’ve been locked inside my bathroom every night while my precious daughter sleeps peacefully just footsteps away from the door with this slow and steady process of suicide.

I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives, and I don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that this was never about the food, but rather, some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of guilt, shame and rage. It was the sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become my existence: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control!

I’ve worked so hard to plan my days carefully and carve away my quiet time with her. For more than half my life she’s been the keeper of my deepest and darkest secrets. I’ve trusted her unconditionally with the most painful of my feelings that I could let to the surface, yet somehow she has betrayed me. My lifelong confidant brought me a comfort and safety that I’d somehow forgotten to know and satiated the emptiest places inside my body and soul with a satisfaction of fullness and order. We were euphoric together, and sometimes almost magical, but that calm, quiet happiness we shared never lasted for more than a moment, and all too quickly brought the continual shame and self-loathing which is all I can see in a mirror. My euphoria would end, so we’d begin the dance again, to the most hypnotic rhythm of them all.