APRIL 24, 2009: “Dear God” …

Second

… Can I PLEASE Have A Second Chance?

My eyes are open wide and by the way, I made it through the day. I watch the world outside and by the way, I’m leaving out today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”? Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Please don’t cry one tear for me – I’m not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice so listen close it’s only for today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved and said, “Why you always running in place?” Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”  {Shinedown}

Dear God:

Hi, it’s me again, Your lost sheep, Catherine. So they told me I should write You this letter, making “significant emotional statements” as if You were sitting right in front of me for 15 minutes. Irony of all ironies though and despite the fact that I sit here writing to You as broken and shattered as I could have possibly have ever imagined, I have never truly thought for a single minute that You weren’t somehow sitting directly beside me every second of every moment of my life. I know You are here. I can feel You in the wind and hear You constantly in the sounds of my children’s’ laughter. I actually even see You all around me in the beautiful things You have made for us and most especially when a butterfly dances past my eyes. Okay, so let me just follow along with this format they’ve given me and see where this can go.  Here is how I am really feeling: At this moment I am looking directly to You in search of some true closure and understanding. And, let this closure, if found, also be a new beginning …

So I resent You God for absolutely nothing and I think You know that I mean that. I fully believe that all of my punishments were not only earned, but more so than that, not cast down by You at all, but rather, self-punishments by my own dirty hands. I appreciate You for so many things they would be too hard to list here and I wouldn’t want to leave anything out. So how about, again, just the simple sound of my kids’ laughter. Their smiles. Their tears, their hugs. How about those two tiny little hands that grab my cheeks every morning and remind me of that I’m still alive. How about my parents, my sister and Hell, even for Him. Only You know how things are going to go for us, yet still I love Him and He did bring my beautiful children into this atmosphere. I appreciate all the beauty in this world that envelops me and even the not so pretty things that force me to concentrate on the others. Yes, God, I appreciate You more than You know. Oh, wait, You do know, right?

I thank you God for the two small miracles you placed in my path over this last twelve months: Henrik and Zack. May Your grace ever light the many roads they travel in order that the gifts of true kindness and compassion each have to offer this world may be abundantly acknowledged and accepted. They are my safe havens for once and for all … warm, safe places to land, be broken, vulnerable and heard. Never once have I known hearts so pure, except for those of my children, and never friendships as open, accepting, unconditional and trusting. You know God, that was really all I ever wanted … to be heard with out judgment, validated and accepted … for all that I am, flaws included.

I am so sorry God that I have refused to search for Your hand in all of these years. I know You’ve reached out many times but I just kept slapping Your hand away. I’m sorry for being so selfish, ego-centrical and pitiful. I’m sorry for being weak and lazy. I’m sorry for all the hatred, venom and toxic black poison that still runs inside my veins. I’m sorry for feeling sorry for myself all the time and sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry that I am stubborn not that very pliable. God, please listen to me … I’m sorry for haven taken a single one of the gifts that You have given me and pissed them all away. God, I am just fucking sorry. And for all of these things I would desperately like to make amends now.

I can’t actually say that I forgive You for anything as I do not at all believe that You have done anything wrong. As I said, I believe that my “punishments”, the guilt, shame, self-mutilation and torture, were not of YOUR hands at all – they were of my own. So then? I forgive you NOT! I do miss You though, and I mean that. It feels lonely and suffocating having severed myself completely from Your light.

So now I need to “say goodbye to the dream of how I wanted my life to be”. I want to try and let You do things Your way now. I can honestly say that I am not at all sure how I’m going to actually let that happen but I suppose these words are a start. Please hear me now. I am ready to be forgiven. Please show me the way. I want to let this go and just start over. I need a second chance now.

I love You, God … Catherine

MAY 30, 2008: “Away From The Sun” …

AWAY FROM THE SUN

It’s down to this: I’ve got to make this life make sense. Can anyone tell what I’ve done? I miss the life, I miss the colors of the world. Can anyone tell where I am? ‘Cause now again I’ve found myself so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. I’m so far down, away from the sun again. I’m over this – I’m tired of living in the dark. Can anyone see me down here? The feeling’s gone – There’s nothing left to lift me up back into the world I know.  {3 Doors Down}

(A Diary Entry to The Man Himself )

Dear God, I need to talk to You for a minute. Actually, I just have a few questions, so please just be perfectly honest. You’re not done with me yet, are You? My very bright destiny lies just ahead, and in a sense is happening even as we speak? The future will be good, won’t it? It’s going to get better, right? Can You please just make me these promises? Those two precious babies you sent to me? The fluttering butterflies You sent? They need me to be okay so that I can help them reach their own destinies. Am I still Your child, or did You just forget about me? Are You mad at me? What did I do to make You so mad? Oh, wait, I think I know! Can’t You just forgive me now? I’ve done my time, God, four life sentences in a row. Okay, so I’m ready to be forgiven.

So, hey, do You ever hear me crying at night, and does it every really bother You? And what ever happened to that “Sea Of Forgetfulness” I’ve heard so much about. You know … the one where YOU forgive and WE FORGET then just move on about way? It’s not the best situation You know, all these ghosts and snapshots in my head that I lug around in my head. Can’t You just erase a few of them? Is there a way? I know YOU can do it. YOU can do anything, right? Like, that that one with me on the front bench of an old pick-up truck? Five quick minutes, remember? The smell of the beer on his breath? His sweat dripping into my mouth? Can’t You just erase that one? Or, how about that one where the boy I loved hit the wall and split his head in two? Yah, I could definitely do without that one! Oh, and remember that tiny little girl You dropped right into the palms of my hands just so that I could watch her writhing in pain and choking on her own breath? You know? That same little girl who Just needed to hold her Mommy’s hand but couldn’t even manage to hold her finger? Not loving that one either, and in fact, it’s just not working out for me at all. I get it, she’s gone. I was there! Remember? What rhyme or reason will ever help me understand why I had to bury her? Why should any parent have to bury their child? It’s just not the natural You know? It’s not the way it was supposed to be. Please God, won’t You help me? Surely You remember how it felt to watch your Son suffer on the day You had to give Him up? 

Well then how about an angel? Can You send me another angel? And preferably one a little taller than two feet and older and wiser than 15? Someone I can talk to? Someone just to listen and hear what I have to say? Someone to hold me and remind me that I’m alive? How about someone who doesn’t think I’m just whining? Or dramatic? Or ungrateful? Or pathetic? Someone who understands my heart and my pain and my grief? How about just one person that will look beyond my surface to find the broken little girl hiding inside here? Someone who will hear me and not say everything is okay! How about someone who doesn’t think I’m just a crazy fucking bitch or that all the “things” I have should preclude me from feeling any pain? And can You send me a hug, or a kiss, or a touch? Will anyone ever want to touch me? My perfection is a grand illusion and I the master illusionist. You and I both know this is true! I’m wandering aimlessly here God behind the walls of my beautiful castle, nose pressed hard against the windows. I’m still looking for that sign and I still believe there’s a chance. Hey, I’m leaving for France tomorrow. Can I just leave some of my baggage there?