JANUARY 26, 2020: “My Ghost Gang Is To Blame” …

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GHOST

“There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not like those draped in old bed sheets. Saying “trick or treat”. Different. Oh, this ghost is different. Not one that leaves me scared to death. But one that puts my fear to rest. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way.  I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not something from some campfire story. Where I’m terrified to sleep. Opposite. This ghost is quite the opposite. He came just like a welcomed friend. And I was comforted. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. No longer afraid.” ~ Mercy Me

… because who else could I blame for the current state of my badly broken but still beating heart and how else could I explain what isn’t happening to me in the wake of all this devastation? While driving home yesterday it hit me yet again that YES, I AM A WARRIOR! And let me tell you why …

Most of you probably know that my husband ended his own life at “just before midnight on August 22nd”, but what you probably don’t know is where: Exactly 1.5 miles from the throne he abdicated in a field that separates the abutting subdivision from ours, which entrance which lies upon the main thoroughfare between Parker and Allen where a lot of my time is spent, so unless I make a consorted effort to avoid the intersection I love to hate I have no other choice but to face these sobering facts often multiple times a day: “This” was the last road he traveled. “That” was the last turn he ever made. “Those” were the last visions that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

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In the immediate weeks that followed his death I avoided that place at all costs and vowed NEVER to go near it again. What person in their right mind could? Many were concerned for my well-being in this regard, and since the first 30 days after I was highly medicated, when someone had to drive me to Allen they’d go as far out of their way as possible to keep me away from “there”. Greater was the concern as to whether we’d even be able to stay in this house for any prolonged period for fear that what happened was way too close to home.

Yet as the weeks passed my heart just made me go want to go there; I honestly don’t know why. Time and again I wandered down that path with the barage of questions that still cycle through my mind: WHY did he do it? Why WOULD he do it? Why that spot? Why this town? Why so close to home? What was he FEELING alone inside that car? Was he sad? Was he angry? Was he scared? Did his heart ache? Was it pounding? Or was it already dead and numb? What was he DOING the second before he left? Was he crying? Was he screaming? Thinking about his life? His childhood? Me and her? DID HE THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS WOULD DO TO US? Did his hand shake as he held the gun to his head? Did he wrestle with it? Bring it up? Then bring it down? Or just old it up ONCE and pull the trigger? What did he HEAR as he made his final decision? Was it a song? WHAT SONG? Or was there just deafening silence? Was it “the voices in his head” that told him to “just do it”? DID HE REACH OUT TO GOD? Look for His hand? Beg forgiveness? Did he repeat his prayer of Salvation? PLEASE GOD, PLEASE … JUST HELP ME UNDERSTAND! Then the questions stop, I start breathing once again, and the constriction of my heart that always proceeds”the cycle” fades to black AND I SURVIVE!

Here’s what I need everyone to know: I’m fiercely protected 24/7 by a “Ghost Gang” in my mind and these are a but a FEW of its members: A handful of a baby girl with a presence the size of the Cosmos, a Cajun Blaze Of Glory, and the Frog I kissed who turned into a King. My Guardian Angels serve full-time posts as lieutenant commanders and God’s Trinity lords over them all! My ghosts are not just ordinary – they’re THE TOUGHEST ONES AROUND. They’ve yet to let me down as they hunt the many monsters that feast upon my soul and have slayed them to the ground one by one! Each of them have made me who I am today, don’t leave me scared either “to death” or “about it”, and they do put my every fear to rest. If I start going dark? They turn on all the Lights! I pray incessantly they’ll keep haunting me with the abundant hope and peace that has now become the echo in my battle cry: 

“Their deaths have neither broken me, nor stolen from or vanquished me, and everything they were is every wondrous thing I’ve become. They’ve but “slipped away into the next room” with countless other loved ones I’ve lost along the way and they’ll all be waiting for me when I get Home. They continue to survive with me in every shadow before and behind with their presences forever locked inside what are now the even deeper chasms of my mind with an ensemble of angelic voices still filling my heart with the memories, joy and laughter.”

Ironic in a way? I will NEVER be afraid and it’s my “Ghost Gang” that’s to blame! They’ve got their territory marked from here to Eternity and it’s every single road I travel. Thank you for listening to me again. I love all of you.

Sig

 

APRIL 15, 2017: “How A $10 Plant Taught Me A Lesson About All Of Creation” …

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I bought this more than a year ago, and she was tiny and adorable and only $10, and since Costco has an AMAZING return policy, I thought, “Hmmm, when it dies I can either return it, exchange it, or, I can just take it to Mom and she’ll probably be able to bring it back to life. That crazy plant lady mother of mine!” So, I put her in the cart and took her home.

Guess what peeps? I’VE ACCIDENTALLY KEPT HER ALIVE FOR OVER A YEAR NOW? So HOW exactly did I manage to keep an orchid alive? You know, an ORCHID? Notoriously one of the most difficult living things to keep alive. Ummmm, I did NOTHING! Nothing whatsoever. I put her in this pretty green vase, watered her randomly, stuck her in front of this window and checked in on her now and again. You may not be able to see them, but there are these two long “things” protruding from the soil that look like extra-large petrified worms: Yup, that’s literally what I thought they were. Giant worms growing from the soil. Honestly, once her first bloom dropped, I wasn’t even sure if she was alive or not. She just stood there in the window day after day looking all bald and naked and quite dead. But I kept watering her anyway, just in case I was mistaken, and she was planning some grand resurrection. Well? She did!

BTW, “the day of the worms” was a fun day at our house! “Giiiiiiaaaaaaa, come fast honey, PLEASE!” I myself was somewhat petrified, with a good 4-foot between me and them. “What mommy, WHAT?” “Gia, there are these two long green things sticking out of that plant and I’m pretty sure they are worms and they look kind of stale so they might be dead but please honey, since you’re a nature person and I’m afraid of snakes or anything that crawls on its belly, can you look and see what they are? Then? I literally pushed my own child straight toward the windowsill and made HER go closer for the inspection. (I’m such a good mom, right?) “Umm, Mommy?” “Yes?” “They aren’t stale worms you silly child, they’re ROOTS. Come look!” I went closer. Put my head down a little then she PUSHED MY HEAD right towards the worms and I screamed. OMG that kid. So anyway, yup. Little girl “O” has now produced two giant earthworm looking roots. WHAT THE HELL? And what do I do now? I never thought she’d survive a month in my care. After all, I’ve killed just about every living houseplant I’ve ever had except for those little succulents you see flanking her.  NO ONE can kill a succulent, not even me. Well, at least I don’t think so. But I digress.

So, I started to think about it, and I literally almost cried. How on Earth did I manage to keep this girl alive to the point where not only does she have the petrified earthworm roots, but bright, healthy green leaves AND a brand new “lower bloom” to boot (she started with only the one up top).  This is how I did it: As stated before, I DID NOTHING! I didn’t worry about her too much or overthink “what to do” to keep her perfectly alive in my “everything has to be perfect” abode. I gave her the very basic things she needed, nothing more, nothing less, then set her in the Sunlight and let her do her thing, in her own time, and in her own way. I DIDN’T SMOTHER HER WITH PERFECTION! That’s what I did. I let her be and let God do the rest and now she’s beautiful and flourishing! So simple it’s maddening! Seems as though there are many OTHER areas of my life where I need to apply this principle as well, and starting today, I am really going to work on that. Wait? I think I just had a light bulb moment. There is a certain 6’2″, errrr, “potted plant” I happen to love very, very much who I’m certain needs me to stop smothering and worrying after as well. Geez man. SMH! Good grief.

In closing, a $10 potted plant from a “buy 40 toilet papers at once” warehouse store reiterated a very important life lesson that I’ve already known all along.  And I cannot thank her enough. And if you are reading this very first post of mine, I cannot thank YOU enough. Trust me when I tell you, there is so much more I have to say and share. I welcome you along on my journey. Have a good tomorrow everyone. It’s Easter Sunday. God Bless. — Cat

Sig