NOVEMBER 20, 2019: “Who Cares If One More Light Goes Out?” …

… that moment you get this call from a friend whose son has been openly and actively talking about suicide:

Cat, someone just basically told me that I shouldn’t take him seriously … I need to toughen up with him … he’s probably NOT really going to do it. In your opinion and based upon your own personal experiences of having both tried it and survived it with Zack, do you think I should believe her?

I am just beside myself right now. Really? Are you fucking KIDDING me? SUICIDE IS ALWAYS DEAD SERIOUS, and yes, I do care if one more light goes out.

ONE MORE LIGHT

Should’ve stayed. Were there signs I ignored? Can I help you not to hurt anymore? We saw brilliance when the world was asleep. There are things that we can have, but can’t keep. If they say, “who cares if one more light goes out” in a sky of a million stars. It flickers, flickers. “Who cares when someone’s time runs out” if a moment is all we are? We’re quicker. Quicker. “Who cares if one more light goes out?” Well I do. The reminders pull the floor from your feet. In the kitchen, one more chair than you need. Oh, and you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair. Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. {Linkin’ Park}

IMG_E7879
Can

SEPTEMBER 11, 2019: “Doing The Best He Could” …

best

… when it’s been 21 days since the king of your heart fell off his throne and you’re finally able to open his phone for the first time looking for any answers you can find. Then, there it is, right in front of your sobbing eyes … his “daily affirmation”. He really was “doing the best that he could”. I know it in my heart. God please let him finally be resting in peace.

BEST I CAN

Tonight I feel like the world won’t miss me. So much to say but there’s no one listening. If we’re alone are we all together in that. I threw a penny in a well for wishing. Prayed for all the things I think I’m missing. A little time is all I really need. I am doing the best I can with everything I am. Don’t you know nobody’s perfect? Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can? A second chance to give you something. It takes a lifetime to come from nothing. I refuse to believe in running away. No, I am doing the best I can with everything I am.  Don’t you know nobody’s perfect? Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you? I am doing the best I can with everything I am. Don’t you know I think you’re worth it? Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can? I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart. It’s a little faded but so am I. ‘Cause I am doing the best I can with everything I am. Don’t you know nobody’s perfect. Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you?{The Art Of Dying}

AUGUST 8, 2019: “Until The Day He Died” …

zack

As you can see, I am desperately trying to be as transparent as possible as I journey through this nightmare I’m living out loud, as I refuse to sit back and let the broken roads each member of this family have traveled thus far have been in vain. My story? HIS story? Gia’s? My son’s? They WILL have made a difference somehow in the life of least one other broken human soul that is lingering in this world somewhere if it takes my own last dying breath to do it. People. Matter.

rOBIN

I have often likened Zack’s personality to that of Robin Williams, one of my favorite comedic actors and icons. Like Robin, my husband was so much larger than life itself. Always smiling. Always positive. Always the biggest presence in the room! He couldn’t stand to see anyone sad, so, he would make us laugh until our effing sides hurt. Yes, he was the biggest clown I’ve ever met! At the same time though, he was “all in serious” about everything he tackled in life, and as witty as he could be, his timing was always perfect. With him? There was a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to play, a time to dig in deep and get to work, but always a time to just “Good Morning Vietnam” it! 

Thursday, August 8th, 2019, things truly seemed to be looking up. It was Zack’s day off, but we’d decided to split for the afternoon so that I could take Gia for school shopping and lunch while he went and ran some errands of his own. When he walked out the door he seemed to be in genuinely good spirits, and as you can see from our credit card statement, we’d had a productive day. Me? Shopping. Having lunch with our daughter. Living life in the moment and excited for the double date later that night with our sweethearts. We were happy. We had a family. We had a home. We had a king waiting for us back at that home who loved us more than words could say. He was our everything. HE WAS OUR ROCK!

But what about him that day? What DON’T we see in this picture of him smiling at Pinstack? “Our rock” was crumbling right before our eyes and had already made the decision to end his life. The charge you see at “CAB STORE ALLEN”? While Gia and I were eating lunch, he was at Cabella’s buying the Springfield he put to his head 14 days later.

cab

So, there you have it. What you see hiding behind another one’s smile isn’t always joy, peace and happiness and these two pictures are a sobering example of this truth. Although we knew he was struggling, no one knew JUST how close to the end of the story he really was. He was dying a slow, painful, agonizing death within the confines of his mind … we just couldn’t see it. He tried not to fall, trust me when I say this, and I’m sorry, not sorry, if this post upsets anyone because perhaps it’s “too transparent”. But there’s a poignant statement being made in these pictures that I felt was too important not to share. “The saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that”.

UNTIL THE DAY I DIE

The waters rise. The light declines. But I’m not turning back from here. Voices are crying. Corpses remind that most don’t make it to the end. Look to the sky. Take back what’s mine. This life can be a cemetery. This life can be a shallow grave. I’ll never be a casualty. I’ll never bow before I break. I’ll stand and fight. Until the day I die. I left the known to walk alone ’cause to remain was suicide. The “could’ve been”. Stood up again ’cause not to try was just to die. Maybe I’m wrong. But it’s my right. I’ll face the night. I’ll find the light. Look to the sky. Take back what’s mine. I’ll stand and fight. Until the day I die.” {Like A Storm}