AUGUST 24, 2020: “The First Year In Focus” …

I did it people!

I SURVIVED!

Thank you SO much for all of the love and support! I’m gonna keep on keepin’ on!

AUGUST 10, 2020: “The Tree Of All Seasons” …

NBKB0485

Dear Cat:

Let me remind you of the words to that song he would sing to you:

There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.

There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside. Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on The Divide.

{“When The Seasons Change” by Five Finger Death Punch}

Don’t you see? None of this is about you! It has NEVER been about you! IT’S ABOUT THEM! Not just your babies … all the lives you’ll have touched before your time is done … if only for a season. Your greatest treasure and greatest triumph are in knowing just how insignificant you really are in the bigger scheme of things. Your “valuelessness” is your greatest value! Your “powerlessness” is your greatest power!

YOU’RE REACHING NIRVANA!

You are EVERYTHING because you are NOTHING. You’re just a pebble in the ocean making ripples of change for everyone whose path you cross on this journey. Your purpose is to just keep working the roots of this new and healthy family tree you’re now growing — free from the black toxicity that suffocated and broke all the branches of the tree that we came from. Just keep changing the story girl, ’cause the buck is only gonna stop with you, but only if you refuse to stop!

Love, ME!

MAY 30, 2020: “The Pain Is A Gift” …

THE DANCE

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared ‘neath the stars above, for a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end – the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance. Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn’t I a king? But if I’d only known how the king would fall? Hey who’s to say? You know I might have changed it all. {Garth Brooks}

MAY 17, 2020: “There Was Jesus” …

"There Was Jesus"
~ by Gia Embach ~

THERE WAS JESUS

Every time I tried to make it on my own. Every time I tried to stand and start to fall. And all those lonely roads that I have travelled on. There was Jesus.

When the life I built came crashing to the ground. When the friends I had were nowhere to be found. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now. There was Jesus.

In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it. There was Jesus.

For this man who needs amazing kind of grace. For forgiveness at a price I couldn’t pay. I’m not perfect, so I thank God every day. There was Jesus.

In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it. There was Jesus.

On the mountain. In the valleys. There was Jesus.

In the shadows of the alleys. There was Jesus.

In the fire and in the flood. There was Jesus.

Always is and always was.

No I never walk alone.

You are always there.

In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it. There was Jesus.

 ~ Zach Williams & Dolly Parton ~

FEBRUARY 8, 2020: “Making Waves” …

MAKE A WAVE

They say the beat of a butterfly’s wings can set off a storm a world away. What if they’re right and the smallest of things could power the strongest hurricane? What if it all begins inside? We’d hold the key that turns the tide. Just a pebble in the water can set the sea in motion. A simple act of kindness can stir the wildest ocean. If we show a little love. Heaven knows what we could change. So throw a pebble in the water and make a wave. The single choice to take us change. Have reached at your hand to someone in need? Don’t fool yourself and say you can’t. You never know what can grow from just one seed. So come with me and seize the day. This world may never be the same. Just a pebble in the water … can set the sea in motion. {Joe Jonas & Demi Lovato}

THIS.

I wanted to share my response to a Quora submission I made recently. My excitement is NOT about my pride over the staggering amount of “views, shares and comments”. It’s about the fact that SO many people from around the world ARE talking about it. You know? “IT”. That “subject” that used to be taboo and kept in the closet we hide things we don’t want anyone to know. MENTAL ILLNESS. The awareness is being spread and the stigma is being reduced one “real conversation” at a time!

****************

Hi everyone. What I want most is to respond to all of your overwhelmingly supportive and reflective comments individually and say “thank you”. Although I have indeed and will continue to read each and every one of them, because there are only so many hours in the day, time will not permit that. So let me just say this:

If there is a general consensus to be made here, it’s that this subject, “mental health”, and more so than that, what appears to be the very much declining mental health of a vast majority of the population, is something on all our minds these days, and rightfully so! Life isn’t as simple as it used to be, and I myself find it to be a rat race more than ever. Sadly, it does appear to be getting harder for even the strongest among us to just “exist”. Especially inasmuch as there is also that other general consensus if not “elephant in the room”, that the family system is truly breaking down. “To each his own” is not always be the best way, to which as a digression I say this: Whatever your “family” looks like (because, yes, the “modern family picture” has changed), embrace it! If you have a “tribe”, no matter what different walks of life you all arrived from, cherish it! Protect it with all you have! We all need each other folks! It is true … just look at this forum we’re all on. Look how this question brought us all together, like a tribe. Do you agree?

It is highly likely that there aren’t a lot of us on this thread who are educated “medical professionals” with either psychiatric or psychology degrees. From what I can see, we are all coming together in this way with our own very personal, real, and first-hand knowledge of this subject. Call it “mental health awareness”, or, if you’d rather, just call it, “a bunch of broken people banding together to try and find a way either out of our own darkness or to try and find a way to help someone else out of theirs! In some circumstances, a forum such as this may be the only resource a broken person has to try and find their way out of whatever living Hell they reside in. If you are on this site, chances are you are here because you just want to know things so that you can somehow help! Inquiring minds typically want to know and need to know for all the very right reasons. We can all learn from and feed off one another’s experiences so that we can then take “all this” out there onto our own streets and try to make a difference. Even a tiny little change in every one of our life cycles can make a difference!

In my mind, I am nothing more and nothing less than anyone else. Do my life experiences matter? They sure as Hell do! But in the big scheme of things, I am just so very small. My story? My husband’s story? YOUR stories? They’re but tiny blips on this infinite radar we call life. Small as I may be, I see myself as a pebble. I’m a pebble that has been dropped into an ocean! Everything I do, think or say is creating a ripple effect into a future that I myself may never actually see. We are all little pebbles my friends. Beautiful, tiny, pebbles with the power to change everything if we just open our hearts and minds to the “bigger than us” perspective and share it.

Thank you all for reading me. I have to be honest right now in saying that, yes, it has been exactly 171 days since the one true love of my life put a gun to his head and turned my world literally upside down. I have long since made it my purpose with whatever days I am lucky enough to have left here of my own to try to be the BEST damn pebble I can possibly be, because it’s the right thing to do, and also, my kids are watching! All of your words and thoughts here have truly strengthened my faith, hope and spirit, and I am grateful. Imagine that? Thousands of random strangers from thousands of different places just lifted me, a random stranger to them, even higher out of my darkest hour than I thought was possible. If you are on this forum because you are indeed an “inquiring mind that just wants to know and help”, you are a rock star, and a pebble, and my kind of vibe and TRIBE! We can all do this if we just stick together this way. We CAN make a difference. Much love to all of you. ROCK ON! Or is that “pebble on”? Hee!”