NOVEMBER 1, 2019: “In Loving Memory Of My Fallen King” …

usThis will be my last “sad post” for a while, as tomorrow I start a new chapter of my life and will wake up with the positive perspective I know he’d want me to have as I endeavor onto a path I’ve been heading towards for years. Today was rough, I’m not gonna lie. I haven’t cried so much since I lost my daughter 15 years ago – almost constantly since waking at 7:05am. That being said, I had an epiphany on the way home from my “anniversary dinner” with the only real parents my husband ever had, Rick and Dee, who for the record, are the ONLY people on the face of this Earth with whom I would have chosen to spend this first anniversary without him.

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We got married on a Monday at 8:30pm in the theatre room of some dear friends’ house nine years ago this night. We didn’t have much to start with, and in fact, it was right around “this time” that night that we were sitting in a fast food parking lot in Murphy, Texas, eating our drive-thru meals, SO happy and in completely in love. We had NOTHING but faith in one another, and that was all! Coincidently, we had very little support from anyone at that time.

Zack had no real family to speak of. I mean, he did have a family of origin – a father, some siblings, and this “mother THING” that gave birth to him as he would always say. With the exception of just one of his brothers, none of them could really be bothered with him. But, hey, that’s a different story for another time. As for my family? But for my sister and kids, they couldn’t really understand why in the HELL I would marry the poor guy with the ugly truck and commit myself and Gia to what they believed was a life destined to nothing more than an apartment and hand to mouth foolish dreams. “We” were a joke to everyone for the most part, and no one took us too seriously.

There were a handful of people, however, that did support us from the onset, and irony of all ironies, today, my “first anniversary without him”, it so happened that three of those very same people were the people I spent my day with. It wasn’t planned this way, it just is the way that it was, and I’m so incredibly thankful. It almost seems to have been cosmically purposed this way. Rick was the “dad” that stepped up for my husband when the father he “got” couldn’t be bothered to do much of anything for him. Rick was the one who stood beside my husband all these years, and Rick was the one who stood beside my husband on our “wedding day”, while the “father” just sat in the audience. That means something, wouldn’t you say? It was one of the loudest messages to someone I think I’ve ever heard without really having said a word. My point being this: Rick was the man that my husband leaned on for all the “father” things. Rick was his very best friend.

I’ve heard NOTHING from my “father in law” in 67 days, I never saw him again after the service, he hasn’t called once to check on me or Gia, and he never came to get his son’s ashes. Neither did the “only brother” he had a relationship with, by the way, which to me is a slap in Zack’s face. As for now, both sets of the ashes I had preserved and set aside for each of them are regrettably still sitting in my closet, as forgotten in his death as Zack was in his life. I doubt that his “father” even knew when our wedding day was, much less what it meant to his son, but then again, it’s not that surprising. That’s who and what he was, still is, and will probably always be – a extremely foolish man who pissed away the chance to know what a truly amazing son he had.

At the end of the day, regardless of his abysmal childhood and even more abysmal excuse for “parents”, the “Zack of shit” they all threw away left this world as a king, and this despite the unfathomable things that became him as the lifetime of demons he’d been harboring finally managed to break through his psyche, devour his mind, and take him to his death. But you see, only the very best parts of his legacy will live on now, because we’re leaving out all the rest now that he’s moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey.

So, with that, Happy Anniversary to me! It’s been a long day, and I’m gonna be okay, but “okay” will have to wait until tomorrow.

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In Loving Memory Of “The Frog & The Butterfly”

Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind. You guide me constantly. I never knew what it was to be alone. ‘Cause you were always there for me. You were always home waiting. But now I come home and I miss your face. Smiling down on me. I close my eyes to see. And I know you’re a part of me. And it’s your song that sets me free. I sing it while I feel, I can’t hold on. I sing tonight ’cause it comforts me. I carry the things that remind me of you. In loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be. And even though you’re gone you still mean the world to me. And you’ll be here with me still. All you did you did with feeling. And you always found a meaning. And you always will. And you always will. And you always will.”  {Alter Bridge}

JUNE 5, 2014: “Thank You For Loving Me” …

… that moment it was your first official day out of the house after a helpless fourteen straight days in bed and you’re now on a date with your Husband, who after having spent that same fourteen days trying to do EVERY single thing you usually do as a working wife and mother grabs your hands, looks you straight in the eyes and says:

Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t “get it” until now. I love you Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!

… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, I love YOU Zachariah Lucas Williamson … and I thank God for you Every. Single. Day!

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NOVEMBER 1, 2010: “Every Day For The Rest Of Our Lives” …

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EVERY DAY

You could’ve bowed out gracefully, but you didn’t.  You knew enough to know to leave well enough alone, but you wouldn’t.  I drive myself crazy tryin’ to stay out of my own way. The messes that I make, but my secrets are so safe.  The only one who gets me, yeah, you get me – It’s amazing to me how every day, every day, every day you save my life. I come around all broken down and crowded out and you’re comfort. Sometimes the place I go is so deep and dark and desperate I don’t know, I don’t know how every day, every day, every day you save my life. I swear, I don’t know if I’m comin’ or goin’, but you always say something without even knowin’ that I’m hangin’ on to your words with all of my might and it’s alright, yeah, I’m alright for one more night. Every day you save my life. {Rascal Flatts}

“Zack & Cat’s First Wedding”

Monday, November 1, 2010 … 8:15pm … In David & Lisa Bishop’s Media Room

OCTOBER 29, 2010: “Slide ” …

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FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2010, 9:00AM:

ZACK (Standing At The Sink Washing Out The Blender After Making His Morning Smoothie): So listen, I have a question? Do ya wanna get married?

CAT: Really? Are you kidding me with this right now?

ZACK: Well you need some insurance and I’m planning to really marry you anyway, so it will only be a formality. JUST ON PAPER SO I CAN GO AHEAD AND PUT YOU ON MY INSURANCE! We won’t tell anyone until I can afford to slide a bit fat ring on your finger and give you a proper wedding. Do we understand each other?

ME: Yes, of course. Just a formality. We won’t tell anyone. I promise promise promise!”

ZACK: Okay so how about this Monday? It’s my only day off next week. You call David and see if he will marry us and let’s go to the courthouse this afternoon and get a marriage license. Deal?

ME (At The Front Desk Of The Gym The Tuesday Morning After We Got Married … And All The Way Down The Corridors … And In The Locker Room … And To Everyone Upstairs That He Worked With … AND The Person He was Training) …

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? I’M MRS. WILLIAMSON NOW! ZACK AND I GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT!