APRIL 28, 2010: “And Then It Was Done” …

… and after two marriages, a separation, and only God Himself knows what unspoken psychological abuse, damage and trauma we both visited upon not only ourselves, but most of all our childrenit was all but a fleeting memory now

IN MEMORY

Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make, and some of the easiest habits are the hardest ones to break. And I’m not asking for value nor the pain. But I am asking for a way out of this lie. Because I can’t wait for you to catch up with me. And I can’t live in the past and drown myself in memories. Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is. And fixing your problems and starting over again. You’re feeding your ego with what you can see outside. And you’re killing yourself for not speaking your mind. Because I can’t wait for you to catch up with me. And I can’t live in the past and drown myself in memories. In memory. I wonder why you make believe you live your life straight through me. I cannot understand why you question me and then you lie. I will not justify your ways. I cannot show you an escape. I do not know you anymore, I never knew you anyway! {Shinedown}

SEPTEMBER 20, 2008: “Right Here Waiting” …

hOME

It was the Saturday night that followed my 39th birthday and He had taken me out to celebrate. I was trying as hard as I could to make things work, because as God is my witness, that’s all I really wanted. After endless amounts of soul-searching, skin shedding, “Flight 438”, and The Flyboy, I knew exactly what I wanted our marriage to be and exactly what would need to happen to accomplish it:

“We have given ourselves a year or maybe even longer. He needs to do some serious soul-searching and self-repair as well if this is ever going to work. He too has been damaged by his past, our past, and also needs to shed some skin. We have tortured and abused each other to the point of no return but our history together has got to count for something. We are living here together and will remain married on paper but are separated in every other way. He’ll do his thing, I’ll do mine … basically nothing will change, as this is how we’ve existed for years. Only now there are no false pretenses or expectations as to what we either can or can’t make of this farce of a marriage. I won’t lay in a bed with him or any other man for that matter and give myself completely unless I can honestly see myself as beautiful and whole in someone’s eyes as I felt in yours. That is what I want, that is what I need, and after 20 years of living this way, I will settle for nothing less! What I want and need probably most of all is to finally be able to have my own husband, the man I’ve been chasing endlessly around for almost 20 years, try to begin to see who I am, what I am, what I’ve become and be the one who I can truly connect with, and not in the imaginary way it has been this whole time. Maybe, just maybe, then the years of chasing Him will not have been in vain and the hole he left in my heart can be patched and filled. This next year will be about legitimately trying to find and repair ourselves, separately. When the time is right, and who knows when that will be, we’ll begin to spend some time together, try to get to know the new, healthier people we will hopefully each be becoming and see if there is any shred of hope left between us other than our kids that we can salvage. I honestly don’t foresee that happening at this point and I think He is a little more hopeful than I’d like Him to be …  There is so much water under our bridge and so many damaging things have been said between us over and over and over … many of which still ring inside my ears, and probably His even as I write this. But I will give it my best effort for the love of my children and also because I do love Him as well. Twenty years are too many to throw away and something tells me that if ever it were possible for Him to really look at me and see me as you did then our relationship could truly come full circle.”

{“So Far Away“}

The events that followed dinner are much too personal to share and there are less than a handful of people in this world that will ever really know what happened between us that night. Sufficed to say, the only gift I really wanted from my husband, the man I’d been chasing endlessly for almost twenty years, was the defining moment of what would never become of the rest of “our” lives. I’d finally taken the risk and given Him “everything”: Myself, my hopes, my dreams, my secrets and all my precious vulnerabilities. Not only did He throw them all back in my face, but he also threw into the faces of my own father and son. Terrible, awful, horrible “secrets” I had shared with Him in an effort to make our marriage real once and for all and after all those years of praying for a safe place to just be “me” with him … things that no father or son should ever have to hear. He extinguished any hope I’d dared to have for our marriage and single-handedly put the final nail in our coffin. There would be NO going back this time. The fairy tale farce was finally over, and this time I’d be leaving the palace for good.

RIGHT HERE

I know I’ve been mistaken, but just give me a break and see the changes that I’ve made. I’ve got some imperfections, but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face? But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting. You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I’d still be right here waiting, searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I hope you’re not intending to be so condescending – it’s as much as I can take. But you’re so independent. You just refuse to bend, so I keep bending till I break. But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting. You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I’d still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I’ve made a commitment – I’m willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment. I found what I need in you. Can’t you just forgive me? I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made along the way. But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting. I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting. If I chose to walk away, would you be right here waiting? Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting. {Staind}

MAY 31, 2008: “The Lost Realist” …

Why was he crying when we pulled away? I didn’t understand it at all. Was he crying for her, or because Christian was leaving too? Or did he somehow know that I was never coming home again?

The distance between us is many light years by now, so surely it’s not me he’ll be missing. My roommate, my friend, my “hero”. I mean, he truly is all those things that I’ve said: Self-made and hard-working, and I’m fairly certain that he’s been faithful. Nineteen years of going back and forth can’t have been a complete and total lie?

Still, we are roommates, nothing more, nothing less. In my heart of hearts, I think I’ve always known that he never really wanted me in the first place. Maybe someday he will realize it, too. We kill each other, sling mud at each other, and rip open each other’s raw wounds. We were a cosmic, toxic collision right from the start, and I’ve known this all along.

I’ve stood in front of him begging and pleading at least a thousand times now, but he telling me to go away. He’s always said that his words are only ever said in anger, but his actions and inactions always met his words.

He lives in a place a million miles away from me. So then why was he crying? Wasn’t this what he wanted?

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass!

I’ve often said that he has never left my side, but that’s not really true. I have been completely on my own where my mental wealth is concerned, and now he just thinks I’m a raving lunatic.A pathetic, joke of a human being”, he once said to me. “A huge fucking joke of a human being!”

Oh God, there goes my daughter. The limo is pulling away now and she is crying too. What I’m most scared of in this very moment is that the tiny dancer waving goodbye to her mommy is in danger of becoming me. Is this what I want her to become? What if she turns 38 one day only to wake up and realize that her own reflection is missing? That baby will learn what she lives and will only become the woman I teach her to be! So how can I teach her to become a strong, healthy woman when I don’t know how to be one myself? How will I teach her to love herself when I can’t practice what I preach?

LOST REALIST

My independence is calling my name, a doubtful voice divides my faith. My independence only hesitates an unsure choice I can’t embrace. You’re gonna have to carve me, carve me from stone, right to the bone or I’ll end up alone. I’m paying the role of someone in control. Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I’ve been playing the part of a lost realist. My independence is turning the page, tomorrow comes we start to fade. My independence only complicates, it’s not enough to meet half way. I only keep what I give away. {Trapt}

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