DECEMBER 31, 2020: “Burn It Down Black Sheep” …

Oh, wait!

I AM “THAT” AUNT OR UNCLE!

Okay, so, I have no nieces or nephews. Nevertheless, it’s true … I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn it all to the ground.

The Black Sheep.

Am I exactly where I want to be? Not even close. This detoxification process has been a bittersweet, painful, and often very lonely journey for my broken heart, mind and soul. In the beginning, it took every ounce of strength and conviction I didn’t have. Correction. I did have it, I just didn’t know it. Let’s just say it was dormant. Sleeping. Laying in wait like, ummmm, a sleeping dragon. But damn, did she wake up?

Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you too are “this person”, you know just what I’m saying. While I am certainly no doctor or mental health professional, what I have garnered in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise do I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:

Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?

Michelle Robin, “Empaths Are Here For A Cosmic Purpose “:

COMMISSION ACCEPTED!

I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way that I pray, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:

If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you.

Author Unknown

I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. It was me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

OCTOBER 29, 2020: “On Broken Wings” …

Oh how I love these “Facebook Memories”! They’re such a powerful and POIGNANT reminder of NOT ONLY how far I’ve come, but even more so of where I’ve been, how I got here, and exactly where I want to go. The irony with this lovely little flashback to “6 years ago” is that just yesterday my daughter and I were visiting with my mom when this very part of my jacked up, twisted, broken and invalidated story reared it’s ugly head yet again. Only this time, there was a witness to the crime. In being honest, as this crime scene of sorts was in the midst of taking place, there was a part of me that was so beyond distraught that my daughter was caught in the crossfire. Like, literally, I was sick to my fucking stomach as I was sitting there being pummeled with stinging reminders of what made me so sick in the first place. However, once it was over and we got into the car to take off, it was her, my little girl, my brave and wise and courageous phoenix girl, who broke the ice and spoke the first words, because it was so crystal clear to her that not only was I stunned but also fighting back tears:

Mom, are you okay? I can tell that you’re trying not to cry. Man, that was tough to watch. I hope you know that although I’ve never once doubted the things you’ve told me about your childhood, that was the first time I’ve actually seen it happen out loud. With her that is. I love you mom, and I’m proud of you for handling that as well as you did. See? Look how far you’ve come! That was about HER, not about you, and you didn’t deserve that. Grandma loves you. I KNOW SHE DOES! She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand. Or, maybe she DOES but she just can’t acknowledge it because it would hurt her too much to know how much you’ve suffered.

So, with that

“Long live that day that I decided to fly from the insideand start this twisted story all over again as an actual living QUEEN, because guess what people? These wings of mine aren’t broken anymore, the BEST versions of me are still yet to come, and every fucking THING I’ve been fighting and praying for was just justified by my daughter’s spoken words.

ON BROKEN WINGS

Fight the fight alone when the world is full of victims. Dims a fading light in our souls. Leave the peace alone. Now we all are slowly changing. Dims a fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. The things we hold are always first to go. And who’s to say we won’t end up alone? On broken wings I’m falling, and it won’t be long. The skin on me is burning by the fires of the Sun. On skinned knees I’m bleeding, and it won’t be long. I’ve got to find that meaning, and I’ll search for so long. Cry ourselves to sleep. We will sleep alone forever. Will you lay me down in the same place with all I love? Mend the broken homes. Care for them, they are our brothers. Save the fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. What you give will always carry you. And who’s to say we won’t survive it too? I’ll search for so long. We’ll set a-free all relying on their will to make me all that I am and all I’ll be. We’ll set a-free all who’ll fall between the cracks with memories of all that I am. {Alter Bridge}

DECEMBER 26, 2019: “Hey, Mother, Father” …

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~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

MOTHER, FATHER

“She sits alone, an empty stare. A mother’s face she wears. Where did she go wrong? The fight is gone. Lord help this broken home. Hey, mother, father, sister Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. With dreams he tried. Lost his pride. He drinks his life away. One photograph in broken glass. It should not end this way. Hey, mother, father, sister. Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. Through bitter tears and wounded years those ties of blood were strong.So much to say. Those yesterdays. So now don’t you turn away Have faith. Belive. Believe.”

~ Journey

DECEMBER 25, 2019: “Starting Over As A Queen” …

IMG_8199… IT’S TIME TO JUST START OVER!

Someday soon, I’m gonna pull myself together. Win or lose, I’m starting over again. Start this day like any other day. I fold my hands as I begin to pray. Sometimes we gotta throw the past aside, and come what may, I’m gonna open up my eyes to all my broken feelings. It’s the only road I’ve known. I just wanna say to you: Maybe I won’t feel the pain when you leave me one day, and maybe it won’t be too late when you need me someday. Someone take me away from the one who betrays, but things won’t ever be the same. I’m starting over. In days gone by, I was hiding from myself. In all those lies and the truth was hard to tell. But I will try to turn my life around. I’ll close my eyes so I can finally see the road to all my broken feelings. It’s the only one I’ve known. I just wanna say to you … You were my heart, you were my soul. You were my breath ’til I grow old. You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold?” {Saliva}

So here’s my parting message to all the people, places and roadblocks that had become me in the four decades before finally opening my eyes to all my “broken feelings” and finding the truths behind the lies that were my former realities.

It’s my Christmas gift to me!

Zack and I first heard this song in 2007, and it immediately became as vital in unraveling the mystery of what had broken each of us before we’d met than actually meeting in the first place. It spoke volumes as to our prior journeys – it was who we were, where we’d been, and why we needed to cut ties with some people in our lives and truly just start over. It was a cryptic message to everyone that had discarded us at virtually every critical juncture in our lives, not the least of which were “our families” …

You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold?

Today I’ll spend another “first” without him, completely severed from the family that has once again “washed their hands of me”. But guess what? That’s okay! I WAS MARRIED TO A KING! An imperfect, broken, mortal king with a rare and true heart of gold who not only gave me every “thing” a woman could want, but more so his heart, his soul, his eyes, his faith and his love without condition for the first time in my life, all of which truly did make me a QUEEN!

And HE WAS MARRIED TO A QUEEN! An imperfect, broken, mortal queen with a rare and true heart of gold who not only gave him every “thing” a man could want, but more so her heart, her eyes, her soul, her faith and her love without condition for the for the first time in his life, all of which truly did make him a KING! Quite clearly he fell, with a tragic twist that some may never fully know or understand, and hurt us in unspeakable ways. But today is Christmas and “who was better at forgiving than Jesus?” Indeed I have forgiven him for the devastation that ended our story …

… but here’s what else you should know:

I forgive you that mocked, punished, laughed at, or burned me alive on a cross every time I let you down, embarrassed or disgraced your reputations when I failed miserably at all the things I failed at.

I forgive you for invalidating, disregarding, and discrediting my feelings as “drama, immaturity, ingratitude or self-pity”.

I forgive you for abusing the trust I placed in you with vulnerabilities and truths by throwing them back in my face and driving nails into my already broken heart.

I forgive you for taking it so personally when I decided to break the cycle and for just standing there watching as I fought tooth and nail to get that God-forsaken Venom suit off my weak and weary body so that maybe one day my daughter’s daughters or my son’s sons will be the first branches from this sick and dying tree to not end up in a psych ward because they too want to blow their own brains out!

I forgive you for only loving me when I was good enough to be loved, but “washing your hands of me” when I broke the rules you decided would be best for me, which (PS), were complete and total double standards of sick and enmeshed BULLSHIT! As it turns out, it’s okay to leave the web, if not the best thing one can do. The wisest spiders are proud of the babies that manage to get out of the webs they may have unintentionally spun and find a way to survive this fucking life in peace!

I forgive you for NOT forgiving me for being an imperfect human being and I forgive you for all the times you abandoned me! But more so than that? Thank you for everything you’ve done to hurt me because that is how I became a Queen! You pointed me straight to both my Kings – the One born today and the fallen. He may be gone now, but I’m still right here with the crown and sword he left for me, charging bravely forward all the days I have left in this realm! There is still so much I have to do with this power my impossibly strong heart now wields.

There’s the Phoenix I made who I’ll fight beside tooth and nail as she ascends towards the culmination of everything my own broken flight was purposed for, and that first born Prince who hasn’t yet realized that he too is a king because he hasn’t yet found the strength to tear off “the black suit” that shrouds his soul in darkness! He’s trapped in a web and has still yet to realize the long-terms effects of the emotional abuse he also is succumbing to and that being repeatedly being told “I’m done with you” for failure to follow the rules is slowly becoming the death of him too. I will not rest until that day comes that he opens his eyes to all his broken feelings and finally walks away with the courage and strength that’s hiding somewhere within himself so the next time he hears “I’m done with you”, he too can say,

NO! It’s ME that’s done with YOU!

If I’ve learned anything in my first fifty years it’s that “real love” shouldn’t cost you anything, yet it’s the only commodity that gets you EVERYTHING! Love shouldn’t make you sad, make you cry, come with strings or conditions, cause you to doubt yourself, want to shoot yourself, or make you want to hide in the shadows of any authentic version of yourself because the people who claim to love you refuse to accept you as you are. Here’s the thing: Once you’ve had finally had it – “REAL love without strings and conditions”? YOU CAN NEVER ACCEPT “LOVE” ANY OTHER WAY, EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING ALONE! I won’t be the last queen that ever reigned alone in her kingdom because she refused to settle for anything less than everything! You see, I’ve been blessed by the unconditional love of two earthly Kings in my lifetime. There’s no going back to where I came from, so I guess it’s time to just start over.

Merry Christmas Queen Catherine!

APRIL 19, 2009: “Circadian” …

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It was a Sunday afternoon and He and I were separated again. I’d been out running errands and arrived home for dinner at my parents’ where I’d been living, right down the street from what used to be my house and still is His. When dinner was over, I walked out to my car, opened the door, and found this envelope taped to my steering wheel. It was “The Letter” from my father that changed everything – his way of urging me to “do the right thing and go home” via these Pros and Cons, which were nothing short of narcissistic, emotional abuse, blackmail and toxic parental extortion:

IMG_8312So, maybe I should have renamed this entry:

APRIL 16, 2009: “Are You Fucking KIDDING Me Right Now … My Life Is A Farce … Haven’t You Heard ONE Thing I’ve Said … My Marriage Is Toxic … I’ve Been Trying To Tell You For Years … All We DO Is Fight … All We HAVE Is Tension … We’re Only Roommates And It’s Been That Way From The Start … I Don’t Think We REALLY Love Each Other … Pretty Sure We Never Did … We Only Got Married Because You MADE US And I WASN’T EVEN PREGNANT … I’ve Been TRYING To Repair The Damage For Years And Have LITERALLY Begged Him On My Knees To Meet Me Halfway … BUT … He Won’t Leave His Theatre Room … He Won’t TALK To Me … He’s NOT Looking Out For Me … He’s NOT Taking Care Of My Heart Or Soul … We Abuse EACH OTHER Daily … He Won’t Release Me From The Past … He Holds My Mistakes Over My Head … OMG I THINK I MARRIED YOU … My SON Is Being Verbally Abused … AND Emasculated … In That VERY Nice HouseI Can’t See My Reflection In A MirrorI’m Afraid I’m Going To Give My Daughter An Eating DisorderOh Yah – I HAVE AN EATING DISORDERThere’s A Dragon Circling Above Me And A Venom Suit Trying To Suffocate Me … All I Do Is Cry … HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON GETTING MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK WHEN I NEVER FUCKING SLEEP … I’ve Only Been PRETENDING To Be Happy So Everyone ELSE Could Be Happy And NOT Go To THEIR Graves With Unrest … All The Nice Things I Buy When I Go Shopping With The Credit Card In My Very Nice Car Aren’t Fixing Anything … I HAVE NEVER BEEN FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT … I’ve Been Praying For A Bus To Run Me Over … It’s Not Just Your DEAR Wife And My Kids Who Fucking Need You … “GOD Forbid Anything Happens To MOM?” … Yah, GOD Forbid Anything Happens To ME! ... Because … MY KIDS ARE WATCHING ALL OF THIS AND MY GREATEST FEAR IS THAT I’VE ALREADY LOST THEM AND THEY WON’T LIKE ME ANYMORE!

After reading it, I drove to His house, because in that moment I desperately needed to see my kids. I’d been standing out front waiting for them because I didn’t want to go back inside, the whole time just knowing that something dark was coming. I could feel it in my skin and bones. I literally couldn’t breathe, but could feel my adrenaline dumping. I was crumbling inside. When I looked up and saw my babies at the door, I was done! I finally had the nervous breakdown I’d fighting SO hard not to have for too many years to count! I am certain there were Angels present with me and my children in that moment, and if it is true that Angels cry, then they had to be crying their fucking eyes out as they witnessed the tragedy that was happening on that driveway. They had to literally peel my son from my body so that I could by taken away. He too was crumbling, and I’d never seen him cry so much. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a sad little puppy that just wanted to be picked and held. FUCK!

I’d actually gone insane!

By 9pm that night I was on an plane to The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, and arrived at the facility just before midnight. I was SO mentally FUCKED that the intake doctor made the decision to very heavily medicate me as soon as I was “processed”. I slept so long and hard that I wasn’t even assimilated into the campus population for more than 72 hours. My toxic childhood and the ensuing fallout from my self-sabotaged adulthood had won their final round in the circadian that had become my life, and I was mentally and physically broken.

CIRCADIAN

Who’s to say we’ll make it through? Starting to believe that what we think is never true. And who’s to say the rhymes beside your bed will keep you warm when everything is getting colder? And I’m just holding on until it’s over. Mayday! Somebody save me now. I’m closing my eyes ’cause once the sun rises it’s out of my hands. It’s out of my hands. Who’s to say this history isn’t only just some winter’s distant memory? You can’t escape this drying ink. The fall of who we are is getting closer and I’m just holding on until it’s over. Mayday! Somebody save me now. I’m cutting all ties from the world outside ’cause it’s over my head. It’s all coming undone and falling apart somehow. I’m closing my eyes ’cause once the sun rises it’s out of my hands. Oh it’s out of my hands. The light pulls me under and I keep on caving in. {David Cook}

TO READ MORE ABOUT EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL AND MANIPULATION:

5 Personality Emotionally Personalities

Classic Toxic Parent Moves

The Narcissistic Father

What Is Toxic Parenting?