MARCH 10, 2021: “My Grey-Aversary” …

On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest expressways in Dallas so that I could literally cry my fucking eyes out. It was as if Zack were singing these most beautifully haunting words himself to me, my daughter, and my son in a message straight from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we KNOW he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song yet, I cannot urge you enough to do so, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the “legacy” you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.

Today I will celebrate!

Today I will be thankful!

Today I will stay “grey”, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song. and I intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my insanely beautiful life.

COVID literally crashed our 5FDP concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter he wrote before he left. She knows the song exists, but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it to her live. THAT will be the night she gets the words he wrote “in case he was gone tomorrow”. Make it a powerful day, and PLEASE listen to this song. It may just change the trajectory of your legacy and how you look at “grey”.

OCTOBER 5, 2020: “Name” …

NAME

The time has come to break the silence. To tell truth behind the rage. The years of living in denial. The time has come to turn the page. But it’s hard to forgive. Even harder to forget. I am a son without a father. He gave his name and walked away. I am a man, now a father. And I swear my son … oh … will never know that pain. I was a child, I was abandoned. To young to fight to have a say. Oh God, what seemed so heavy handed made me the man I am today. It’s so hard to forgive. Even harder to forget. I am a son without a father. He gave me his name then walked away. I am a man, now a father. And I swear my son … oh … will never know that pain. I will … I will… be the space between the shadows. I will … I will … be the light inside the sorrow. {Scott Stapp}

The time really has come to break the silence. Although, by this point one can clearly see that I have long been relentlessly breaking silences all the while.

SECRETS MAKE ME SICK NO LONGER!

Indeed, there are so many truths behind the rage, insanity, and broken-hearted despair that devoured not only my beautiful husband, but so many countless others that have walked this Earth “abandoned”.

He was a man without a mother. She gave him life then walked away.

SO DID THEY ALL! His “brothers”. His “father”. His “sister”. Every single one of them abandoned him! It’s been 411 days since he left, by the way, and even his ashes were abandoned! They could neither be bothered with him in life or death! It’s been hard to forgive, although never will I forget, but indeed I have forgiven ALL OF THEM FOR WHAT THEY DID TO HIM! And for the record, that was the kind of forgiveness that was for me, NOT for them!

So, with that, I must unfortunately only say this …

I am girl without a father. “He gave his name and walked away.” But I am a woman, now a mother, and I swear on my soul – my kids will never know that pain!

I will … I WILL … be the space between the shadows.

I will … I WILL … be the light inside the sorrow.

I WILL! I WILL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARIAH LUCAS WILLIAMSON!

You may have been your family’s trash, but you were ALWAYS our greatest treasure!

AUGUST 5, 2020: “Open Up Your Eyes” …

IMG_4652

Yesterday morning I woke up to another one of those magical music moments I have come to love and cherish wherein my son, Christian, communicates what he’s feeling by simply texting me a song. As I’ve said, his music messages are one of my greatest treasures, and ironically, Zack would often do the very same thing, which of course I treasured just as much. But once again I’ve digressed. Sufficed to say, today my own eyes are open wide and I’m beyond thankful that my beautiful King FINALLY found the peace he could never find.

But as they laid him in the ground, her heart would sing with out a sound :: For the first time you can open your eyes, and see the world without your sorrow when no one knows the pain you left behind …“.

I can only imagine what it was like for him that night, “August 22, 2019, “just before midnight, in that split second after he pulled the trigger and his eyes closed for the very last time.

WHAT did he see when at last he opened them?

HE SAW JESUS!

I JUST KNOW IT!

God had His hand on my husband’s beautiful head at all times, even while he was roaming this Earth like the motherless¬†and forsaken “trash can boy” he always saw when he looked into a mirror. I am still the most blessed woman I have ever known to have roamed this Earth as well. How is that even possible? Because God has had His hand on MY head at all times as well, be it during my greatest triumphs and joys or darkest tragedies and traumas. And too, this …

MARK 2:17 :: When Jesus heard this, He told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

Make it a good day everyone and always keep the faith! Remember, “this is our temporary home“, nothing more, nothing less. The best part of all of this is still yet to come!

MAY 10, 2020: “Why?” …

While I am more than thankful to claim the highest honor of “mother” of two living children, a son and a daughter, and one angel baby in Heaven, I am ever so mindful as I end this bittersweet day with the heart-breaking awareness that not every child “celebrated with their mother” today. As you’ve already read in the admonishment to “her”, on this day one year ago the abandoned and motherless man that I was also honored to call “mine” began his painful descent into the darkness she left him in that literally devoured him alive and indeed ended the most beautiful chapter of my life.

So, with that, if you are a mother who has abandoned her child? Know that the unfathomable wound you left them with will never truly heal. If, on the other hand, you are a child whose “mother” walked away from and abandoned you? Please know that I (like all the other mothers in this world who understood the magnitude of the job we were given to have you) am crying and praying for you tonight. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve to be discarded. YOU are a gift to this world too! I’m so sorry that happened to you, from the depths of my soul I am, but remember this always: Our Father in Heaven doesn’t make trash! So, “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!”, and never wonder “WHY”. You didn’t deserve it … you are loved, needed and valued here on this Earth!

AUGUST 28, 2019: “Farewell, Godspeed, And Goodbye” …

Godspeed

In Tribute To

~ ZACHARIAH LUCAS WILLIAMSON ~

~David Bishop~

~Rick Scauzillo~

~Catherine Williamson~

~David Bishop~

us

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TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LIFELONG AND OFTEN IRREVERSIBLE EFFECTS OF BOTH MATERNAL AND FAMILIAL ABANDONMENT:

Abandonded Child Syndrome

Effects Of Maternal Abandonment On Men

What Happens To Sons Of Unloving Mothers

When Mothers Leave

Understanding The Pain Of Abandonment

The Abandoned Child

Neglectful Parents And Older Siblings

SIBLING ABUSE IS A REAL THING

AUGUST 23, 2019: “The Death Of Him” …

ZackTHE DEATH OF HIM

Like a scream inside, the one you just can’t hide. The sound so deafening, you can’t hear yourself think. As real as real can get. Keeping my heart in check from feeling anything but my own apathy. Again, again. It’s creeping up on me. Making it harder to breathe. We’re all under pressure. Can’t stand the weather. For the worse and not for the better. Please, this ain’t the way to live. Something’s got to give. We forgive but don’t forget it, no. Another day, another battle. We all have a cage to rattle. This just might be the death of me. Might be the death of me. It’s reached a fever pitch. I’m living proof of it. I find it hard to cope, without a thread of hope. Blood is thicker then water. But love is even stronger. Hold out a little longer. Until we found ourselves. Again, again. Like a scream inside, the one you just can’t hide. The sound so deafening, you can’t hear yourself think. As real as real can get. {Daughtry}

In Loving Memory Of Zachariah Lucas Williamson

AUGUST 22, 2019 (Just Before “Quarter ‘Til Midnight”): “The Last Resort” …

~ A KING’S LAST WORDS ~
“I never should have been born … please forgive me”.

Cut my life into pieces … this is my last resort. Suffocation. No breathing. Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. This is my last resort.

Cut my life into pieces. I’ve reached my last resort. Suffocation. No breathing. Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding? Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight? Chances are that I might. Mutilation out of sight, and I’m contemplating suicide. ‘Cause I’m losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine. Losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine. I never realized I was spread too thin ’til it was too late and I was empty within. Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin. Downward spiral, where do I begin?

IT ALL STARTED WHEN I LOST MY MOTHER.

No love for myself and no love from another. Searching to find a lover on a higher level. Finding nothing but questions and devils. ‘Cause I’m losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine. Losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine. Nothing is alright. Nothing is fine. I’m running, and I’m cryin’.

I’m cryin’. I’m cryin’. I’m cryin’. I’m cryin’. I can’t go on living this way.

Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding. Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight? Chances are that I might. Mutilation out of sight, and I’m contemplating suicide.

{Papa Roach cover by Tommy Vext}

~ The Back Side Of “The Note” ~
… The Last Page From “The Springfield” …