MARCH 5, 1992: “Knives” …

I enjoyed working downtown and made a ton of friends there, including some of the vendors who came around each day for our printing. They spent their days wooing us to get and keep our business, and since our firm outsourced most of their copy work, we had real and consistent relationships with them.

One of those vendors, who I considered to be a friend, waited for me one night after a very late day of work in an empty parking garage connected to our building and changed my life irreversibly. Unfortunately, I chose not to tell anyone what happened that night, as you may have heard it said that women who are raped often block the experience from their minds completely in self preservation. Well, I was “that woman”. I called in sick the next day and the entire week that followed, but eventually I had to go back to work.

Day after day, he would come through the office and even stop at my desk as if nothing ever happened. I was completely crumbling inside and my already unstable marriage was crumbling with it. “If only I hadn’t befriended him. If only I hadn’t worked so late that night. Had I sent the wrong message and led him to it? Maybe I was dressed inappropriately?”

I tried desperately to keep things together at home, but had almost instantly become cold and distant towards my husband who had no idea what had happened to me that night. All he knew was that I had become unbearable to live with. A few weeks later, though, while at a family reunion in New Mexico, I became pregnant with our son. Although I was able to change my immediate focus, inside I was internally combusting.

Six months into the pregnancy, I was in a hit and run accident and went face first through my windshield when a driver that was attempting to cross three lanes of traffic clipped the front of my car and sent me spinning head-on into a wall. I was unconscious for a couple of hours and my nasal cavity was shattered. By the time the swelling subsided enough for the surgeon to completely assess the damage, I was eight months pregnant. So, I went through the reconstruction only moderately sedated and with a blindfold over my eyes. Ironically, however, because of my bulging tummy the day of the accident, the seatbelt was tucked under rather than across it. When I went over the steering wheel, the baby went with me, which the doctors told me is the only reason he survived.


Sitting in your room, this boredom overcomes you. It’s all you can do not to fall asleep. Searching for that certain piece of mind, you will find it … searching for what’s yours to keep, it’s yours to keep. And in my opinion, don’t be justified by what this world has to give you. And in my opinion, don’t be satisfied hate. Poor girl … she has no idea what it’s like to forgive. She cries at night with hatred inside her heart. If she could only see the pain he caused her soul maybe she would see it and see this pain right from the start. If maybe things had gone your way then maybe you’re life wouldn’t be so sad. If only things were what they said, it’s not the rips that bleed, it’s the knives to blame. {The Leo Project}