SEPTEMBER 23, 2021: “The First Of You” …

Hi everyone! It’s me. JUST ME! Nope, I’m not perfect, but Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m still me! I screw stuff up ALL the damn time, but I’m still me. I’ve said good things, bad things, right things, wrong things, and really, really, REALLY stupid things, but at the end of the day, guess who said ’em? ME! I’d be lying if I said I’m proud of every single thing I’ve ever done, because nope – I’M AM NOT – but hey, it’s still ME that ever did ’em. There’s my dark side, and my light side, and my ridiculously, ridiculous “out there” side, but all those sides are, ME! I’m a work in progress every minute of every day, and the end result of all of that work will still, just, be, ME!

But guess what the really cool part about “being me” is? I’m the FIRST of me, not the second, not the last – I’M THE FIRST! I’m not a carbon copy, I cannot be reproduced, besides who in the hell would want to, but yes, I’M THE FIRST OF ME! No one else can do that. No one else can be that. I find that to be spectacular!

I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me.

As it turns out, “FAKE” really IS the new “REAL”, and hell to the NO, that won’t work for me. Being an original is always the best thing to do, although sometimes it takes some work to learn how to be ourselves, and only ourselves. The reward is worth the struggle! If you haven’t already tried this “being me” thing (oh, wait, I mean, “being YOU”), you should. Oh, and by the way, this Hoobastank song is one of the favorites of my life, one of the most underrated songs ever, and everyone should have to memorize these words about five seconds after they learn to talk. But hey, what do I know, right? Just thought I’d share!

THE FIRST OF ME

I must make a choice – a tough decision. Listen to my voice – should I give in to temptation? Admiration? One leads to myself – the other someone else – just an empty shell. Just an empty shell. It’s harder than it seems when you’re told that all your hopes and dreams are yours to hold if you just give them what’s expected – something they can sell or put upon a shelf. But I am not for sale. I am not for sale. I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. If I can’t refuse the price they offer, I am sure to lose and I will suffer. Sell my soul to make a profit? All I have to do is make believe it’s true. That’s something I can’t do. That’s something I can’t do. So when the waiting’s done and it’s time to face the truth. You know you’re good enough deep down inside of you. You’ve finally woken up if only just to prove you are born to lead the way and be the first of you. {Hoobastank}

SEPTEMBER 20, 2021: “As They Are” …

I ran across a conversation amongst some parents on social media the other day, the subject being, “how they were dealing with the fact that their children didn’t turn out as they’d hoped”. It was perplexing, actually, and after reading the various insights, I had a moment for pause. So, I asked myself the same question. The thing is, I couldn’t really answer that question.

I WAS BLESSED WITH THREE BABIES.

One of them is with her Father in Heaven already, which of course is not what I’d “hoped” for her. Although I was only blessed with her physical presence for a handful of fleeting hours, there have been moments I’ve actually thanked God for getting her out of this sometimes wretched mortal world the rest of us are shackled to sooner rather than later. Let’s be honest folks – regardless of the hope, joy, beauty and laughter to be found in this temporary place we call home, “humanity” is not for the faint of heart, and it takes an immense amount of courage, faith, and even suffering to weather it.

So, yes, I’m thankful that she never had to endure the gauntlet of simply existing. I know where she is now. She is safe, loved, and treasured beyond comprehension by a Love even greater than mine, and for that I am ever grateful. I fully believe that when I myself get to the brighter side of all this grey, she’ll be there waiting for me right beside my husband, who too is eternally safe and free from the abundant suffering he knew here on Earth.

Then there are the two still with me. If I’ve learned anything in my journey thus far, it’s that as their mother, nothing is more important for their mental wealth and than my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are, and just as they aren’t.

Due in large part to the extreme dysfunction and toxicity of my childhood, wherein my parents (who were also raised in dysfunctional and toxic homes) perpetuated the “works and deeds” based system of parenting bequeathed to each of them cyclically, I spent the first 39 years of my life void of a reflection in the mirror. “Love, affection, praise, and reward” were earned, not freely given, and even the smallest perceived failure or disappointment in their eyes would often cost me everything.

I cannot tell you how many times they “washed their hands of me” over the years for screwing things up and falling short of their expectations. I was guilted and shamed for “not being good” too many times to count, which eventually cost me my sanity, and almost cost me my life. Meanwhile, here I am. I’ve made peace with my past, my present, and my future, and am fully connected back to that elusive younger me who was missing from the mirror all those years.

This is how I deal with the fact that my children aren’t turning out “as I’d hoped”: I DON’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE! Their mental health and happiness are all I ever hope for either of them. Their lives are their lives, and the only people they need to be accountable to when setting their personal achievement bars is THEMSELVES! No matter how high or low they set them, they will never be failures in my eyes. If they want to grow up and sell lemonade from a bus, so be it, as long as they’re selling the BEST damn lemonade they can possibly sell and they sleep peacefully at night after doing so.

My kids don’t owe me a single thing – not even love and respect. Do they love and respect me? Indeed, I think they do. Yet as oxymoronical as it seems, both love and respect are the consequence of free will and cannot be “commanded”. My babies are not “extensions of me” – they’re their own, autonomous beings. I want them to love and respect me because they want to love and respect me – not because I impose it. They are people, not machines. Their thoughts and feelings are their own. The best I can do is to keep freely giving what I “hope” to receive in return, regardless of their reciprocation.

There is nothing they can do or say that will keep me from being proud of them, and all I ever “ask” for is their very best in all they do, that they grow from their mistakes, learn from all of mine, and treat themselves and others kindly and with grace. Neither of them are perfect, and each has had some challenges courtesy of their own dysfunctional childhood and me, their dear old mom. It took me a minute to pull my head out of my own ass, get the help I needed to become WHOLE, and stop acting like the consummate victim. But I did, and they know it, and we are all in this thing together.

At the end of the day, my job as their mom will be a true success if they learn to see themselves in their mirrors as the impeccably flawed masterpieces they are – lemonade stands and all. My son is a KING in the making, and my daughter a warrior QUEEN just like me. All three of us are battle born SURVIVORS who’ve “gotten” to learn the hard way that nothing here matters without true and unconditional love and acceptance, which they will always have from their mom, and we ALL have from our God. I will always love them as they are – nothing more, nothing less …

SEPTEMBER 17, 2021: “A Love Note To ME!” …

DEAR “ME”:

Today is your birthday – “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-True”! So, what better way to celebrate yourself and the insanely beautiful life you still get to live, despite your very best attempts to ever so passively, yet ever so aggressively, murder yourself for too many years to count, than to read yourself this “love letter” to the precious body you get to occupy?

When you saw this woman’s words posted on social media recently, they leveled you in the most bittersweet ways. Since that day, you’ve read them to yourself over and over and over again, and knowing you the way I do, I suspect you’ll continue to do so for the remainder of your journey here on Earth. They’re impeccable and powerful to us both!

So, with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU once again, thank you JESUS! Amen! You’re “The Real Cat Williamson: Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR; CREATURE SLAYING QUEEN!

Love … ME

To anyone reading this, yes, this is one of those songs that has impacted my life in such a profound way that it’s earned a repost in my Diary. Only this time I’ve changed up the words:

Never again! Never give in! Never give in! I wouldn’t have wished that on just anyone, but shee seemed to share my impulse. I wouldn’t have taken that from just anyone, but she seemed to like the result. So I connected the dots and I told her when to stop. I chose to keep on going rather and NOT be something that I’m not. We were creatures of habit. We couldn’t live without it. We didn’t have to answer to anyone. We were chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knew where we were coming from. And everything has changed, ’cause I didn’t fucking run away. There’s no more need to panic, ’cause it’s no longer tragic.

{ Adapted from “Creatures” ~ by Shinedown}

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction of any sort, PLEASE pick up your sword and fight your way out of that darkness. Both you AND YOUR BODY deserve so much fucking better than “creatures” trying to destroy you.

SEPTEMBER 15, 2021: “With Love From My Dark Side” …

… because just as sure as this Marianne Williamson quote that has long been a favorite of mine is so very true, it only recently dawned on me that it applies to ourselves as well. So, I tweaked it up a bit, “Real Cat” style …

But why would we even want to embrace our “dark side”? I believe it’s our subconscious need for self-love, acceptance, and connection to our higher power. For me? That “higher power” is God. Look, even the brightest stars can’t shine without the black of night, so sometimes you have to go DEEP into the abyss to find out what you’re really made of and come back out carrying the torch for others.

Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine?

I am so beyond thankful for the very small handful of people who have indeed been brave enough to love me unconditionally, even despite my very dark side, not the least of whom is God Himself. I’m even more thankful that I have reached a place in my journey where I too am able to truly make peace with and embrace other people’s dark side” if that is what I need to do. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … Zachariah Williamson went ZERO, DARK, HOUR in the months before he left. It’s the sobering, tragic truth, and the things he did to me and my daughter would literally blow your mind. Yes, I have truly forgiven him, and yes, I still feel love for him despite the devastating horror his “dark side” brought into our lives in the end.

SEPTEMBER 12, 2021: “Who’s They?” …

The “Quora Question”:

Are humans supposed to be normal or abnormal?

Umm, so I believe humans are “supposed” to be the most authentic version of “what and who they are”, whether that be “normal”, or “abnormal”. As and aside, I personally believe that both those words, “normal” and “abnormal”, are much too subjective to be used as a baseline for humanity. Who exactly sets the standard, and what exactly entitled them to do so?

WHO’S “THEY”?

They say we need to be a certain way to fit the mold, or so they say, but who’s they? How can we pretend to care and bend because we’re told we’re not okay? Who’s they? We can’t go wrong when we all stand tall and we sing the same song. We’ll find it hard not to get along. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. We’ll find it hard not to sing along. {Daughtry}

In my journey, it’s God who’s “they”. He sets the standard for everything “human”, and even that is subjective, as the personal lens through which I see, understand, and relate to Him is based solely on my unique life experiences thus far. For as much as I believe my conscious is the mode through which God speaks directly to me, I haven’t yet had the chance to sit down and have a conversation with Him about everything He intended to be “standard” for His creation.

So, with that, I really don’t think there’s a viable answer to this question. What’s “normal” to some may be “abnormal” to others. Thus, the human experience, for which I say to “they” …

SEPTEMBER 9, 2021: “Isn’t That Crazy?” …

How often do you think about your death, or even death in general? Does it scare you? Consume you? Fill you with anguish and despair? That’s understandable, of course, but it’s not the way for me.

I can honestly say that I don’t spend much time thinking about death at all, and certainly not my own, because I have made the choice to just live in every moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not even five minutes from now. For all I know, an airplane could come crashing through my window while I’m writing this and Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m outta here!

I have had to learn the very hard way that “Death Is Nothing At All“. Three nails, a crown, and a cross literally hammered that in for me. Sufficed to say, while I definitely do not fear it, I’m not exactly excited about it, because I still have so many things I want to do. But indeed, it’s inevitable, and I made peace with that a long time ago. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, and today was my last trip around the Sun, I leave here knowing I’ve done my best in every thing, and I’m ready, God forbid.

I have an unbreakable bond with the God I know created me and what is waiting for me on “The Brighter Side Of Grey“. So, I blatantly choose to live a life of joy, hope, and gratitude for all that was, all that is, and all that may never be. It’s that “Crazy Grandma Catblind faith theory of mine that keeps my eyes on the prize! I truly believe that one of the worst things that can become a human soul is not embracing the sobering reality that we, are going, TO DIE! Those of us who are lucky enough to finally reach this crossroad understand that we must always

… because guess what folks? WE ARE! Leave no stone unturned and waste no time worrying about the inevitable. There’s literally no time like the present to start squeezing every ounce of everything you were meant to savor in this temporary life. Now, I’m not trying to tell you that we should all jump up and down with joy, like, “Whoopee! I’m gonna kick it”! I’m saying that with a little faith, and a compass set to eternity, the best part of all of this is yet to come. As for me? I’ve been called “crazy” by so many people, for so many reasons, at so many points in my life, at this point I embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? Yah. I’ll wear that little badge with honor!

CRAZY

Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end? Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn’t that crazy? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn Your way is better than everything I’m taught to be? Isn’t that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who’s calling out to me. And even though the world may think I’m losing touch with reality, it would be crazy to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast, let me boast of filthy rags made clean. And if I glory, let me glory in my Savior’s suffering. Isn’t that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust you for everything, and I will only take a step when I feel You leading me. Isn’t that crazy? {Mercy Me}

SEPTEMBER 6, 2021: “Maneaters!” …

STOP THE “MAN-EATING”!

Yes, I am an ecumenical abuser, and 5,000% believe that what’s good for the goose is even better for the gander. Show me a perfect woman, anywhere, EVER, and I’ll tell you that Jesus’s mom, Mary, is already dead and gone!

Does anyone care to know how many men I was a DISASTER to before I pulled myself together and became so “mentally wealthy”? Not that I’m proud of it, but yup, IT’S THE SOBERING TRUTH! Some of my former toxic behaviors and mindsets were indeed the real problem in some of my past relationships. I’m no angel, never was, never will be, and ZERO am I a victim “because I’m a woman”.

We ALL can behave badly, regardless of our gender, so check yourself in the mirror before you marry yourself to the ass backwards idea that “ALL MEN” are worthless assholes.

Here’s the deal folks …

I have raised a son. I’ve been BLESSED to have been loved by and known a few TRULY good men. It’s a major trigger to me when I hear a woman cursing the name of “MAN”! Sorry. NOT SORRY! It’s GROSS, overdone, and toxic.

By the way girls, it’s not a competition: “Us v. Them”. It’s a collaboration! We all have power and value to bring to the table. Respect for each other’s roles (oh, SNAP, I said the “r” word) is first and foremost when setting up that table to foster ideal circumstances. And this concludes my five minutes of contribution to society for the day. Carry on now.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2021: “My F**kn’ PERFECT Flaws” …

The “Quora Question” was this:

What are some faults about yourself?

Within ten seconds flat, the first 100 faults I could think of rushed to the forefront of my mind. Drumroll please …

  • I’m sanctimonious and self-righteous at times, especially where parenting and motherhood are concerned.
  • I can be cold, aloof, and distant.
  • I’m the consummate “INFJ Rager”.
  • I have inflexible boundaries.
  • I’M WAY TOO PROTECTIVE OF MY PERSONAL SPACE!
  • I always forgive, but never forget! Once I’ve been pushed to my extreme outer limits, the privilege of becoming INVISIBLE is yours! I can literally erase people from my mind.
  • Not a huge fan of the “victim mentality” and have little to no empathy or patience for it (even though I USED to be the consummate “victim” myself)!
  • I have unfair double standards.
  • I CURSE WAY TOO DAMN MUCH!
  • I REFUSE TO ALLOW TOXIC ENERGY IN MY ATMOSPHERE!

Keep in mind that this lovely list could go on and on forever, but these are just a few of the highlights of my “lowlights”! While I’m not proud of ANY of them, I’m always working on ALL of them! With the exception, of course, of my avid disdain for both narcissists and “mothers” who abandon, abuse, neglect, or emotionally torture their children. In my mind, those “things” aren’t even human, so I am wholly unable to extend any grace in those directions. Sorry. NOT SORRY! I’m only human, after all, so I’m just relying on God to work out all the details in that regard.

AUGUST 22, 2021: “Everywhere” …

Zachariah …

I don’t know exactly how to express what I am feeling right now, other than to just write these words of gratitude. Not a day goes by since you had to leave this place – two years ago this night – that we don’t see you, hear you, and feel you in every space we are, and I don’t think that will ever change. Even with all the things you broke, and the unspeakable ways you hurt us both in your literal insanity, I look around at “everywhere” and marvel at the life you left behind for us “from the ground up” from the broken pieces the people who were supposed to love you left you in.

It’s my truest prayer that you can still “see us” and you know we’re doing okay. No, better than okay. We’re not just QUEENS – we’re the ENIGMAS you loved back to lifeeven despite yourself. You’re in all our conversations, every one of our smiles, all the songs we sing, and the endless joy and laughter we embrace. The enormous light you left behind us has fully engulfed that last bit of your darkness, and now only “the brighter side” of your legacy lives on in every precious ounce of our grey.

It was an honor to call you ours, and only ever ours. It always was and always will be. Though you’re not physically “here” with us, you’re still everywhere, in everything, and I suppose that’s just the way it was supposed to be. You were one of our most beautiful seasons, but seasons must surely change. We love you. We miss you. We won’t ever forget you. We’ll just take you how we have you into the rest of our days on this Earth until we can see you again.

Today, we decided not to shed a tear. God knows we deserve better. Instead, we’re just leaving some of your ashes at the pier, then have Red Robin teriyaki burgers in your honor.

Us

AUGUST 11, 2021: “When Angels Fall” …

… and again with these Facebook “Memories” that either are or are not driving me insane!

“7 years ago” today …

… how selfish of someone who has everything in the world to commit suicide”. Just read that complete and total bullshit and it’s so beyond infuriating. It’s called depression people, and it knows no boundaries! As if someone actually wakes up one morning and says “Okay, I’m feeling kind of selfish today so I think I’ll just asphyxiate myself”. Been there, done that. It means a human being is in SO much unbearably excruciating pain, sometimes both mentally AND physically, that the only escape they see or “feel” from the noose around their own heart is sleep. It’s the ultimate end to the many broken voices in their mind. Don’t judge. Instead, be on your knees thanking your God that you’ve never been in such a deafeningly silent place. Seriously? And by the way, someone please define “everything”. If someone has “everything” they must not become depressed?

Little did I know what was lying in wait ahead of me just “5 years and 11 days later”.

If you’ve been following along in this Diary, you know that, yes, I have forgiven him for everything he did, which, PS, is more than anyone can fathom. As I’ve cryptically said before, and trust me when I reiterate, there is so much more that happened in his bat-shit fucking CRAZY psychosis than the world outside of our immediate family will ever know.

Short of that. NO! I still do not think that suicide is selfish. You see, I too have been in that place. I survived my own suicide attempt on November 8,1996. So, with that, I say this, and will hold steadfast to this thought eternally …

If you think that suicide is selfish, then you’ve obviously never been truly suicidal yourself. Even angels fall.

{Author Unknown}

WHEN ANGELS FALL

I tried try to face the fight within, but it’s over. I’m ready for the riot to begin and surrender. I walked the path that led me to the end. Remember. I’m caught beneath with nothing left to give forever. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. Grey skies will chase the light away no longer. I fought the fight, now only dark remains. Forever. Divided I will stand, and I will let this end. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. The Sun begins to rise and wash away the sky. The turning of the tide. Don’t leave it all behind! And I will never say goodbye – when angels fall. {Breaking Benjamin}

AUGUST 6, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Every Day Memories” …

On “THIS day” ten years ago, she’d been throwing up the entire night before, and I was completely exhausted. So, he’d cancelled all his PT clients to stay home and help me out, because I could barely function. I’d left them in the living room of our tiny ass little apartment watching “Dora The Explorer” and doing puzzles while I went to take a quick nap. The picture is what I awoke to.

Fast forward to “THIS day” seven years ago. He was hard core rocking that real estate license of his, determined to turn me into a QUEEN and her into a princess.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I was, and will always be, THE luckiest woman on this planet that he really was “MINE ALL MINE”, and only ever MINE (and hers) “Every Day” that he was ours. I can only smile now and thank God profusely that I got to be his wife.

He could’ve bowed out gracefully, but he didn’t. He knew enough to know to leave well enough alone, but he wouldn’t.

{“Every Day” ~ Rascal Flatts}

He could have picked anyone, but he picked me. That’s really saying something people – because I was kind of a handful. Actually? I still am, and I wouldn’t have me any other way!

JULY 31, 2021: “Padded Rooms” …

Indeed it’s true – I really DID survive my own insanity, and one of THE most stigmatic, complicated, and difficult to treat mental illnesses in the book. (Yes, there is an actual book.) Other than my faith, my children, and knowing FULLY what my purpose in this life is, my “insanity survival” is one of my most treasured badges of honor!

Hi everyone! It’s me, Cat! Once upon a time, I lost my own damn mind – LITERALLY – not figuratively – and here I am to effing brag about it! How do ya like me now?

If you are struggling with “insanity” right now, please let me assure you:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Take a look around. Look left. Look right. Chances are that one of those “normal” people standing right beside you may be struggling with some insanity of their own. Mental illness doesn’t always LOOK like insanity. So often, it just hides behind a “Look how normal I am everyone!” smile. Don’t be ashamed – GET HELP! There is a Light at the end of your Darkness.

Much love to you all …

“Crazy Cat”

JULY 29, 2021: “He Will Be Remembered” …

This is probably one of my FAVORITE “1 Year Ago” memories so far!


Mom, is it okay if I wear one of Dad’s shirts”?


I’m not quite sure if any sentence in the history of my life has ever impacted me as much as this one. As I’ve mentioned before, there are less than two handfuls of people who know what Gia really went through with Zack’s suicide and preceding insanity. The mere fact that she has been able to make peace with not only his death, but the actual demon that was living in his mind that hurt us both beyond fathom in the end is literally mind-numbing. At this point in the process, she has forgiven him for everything, talks about him incessantly, and still correlates him to every best part of her life and childhood.

My “Mona Lisa” is an enigma, and everything I aspire to be when I grow up. I am an EXTREMELY lucky woman to have been chosen to be her mother, and I just cannot say it enough.

JULY 26, 2021: “The Divine Apostrophe” …

She had come to believe that the dark days of the past had made her impossibly strong. It was years before she realized she was wrong. She was forged from steel at the onset of His design. “Strong” is what she was. “Light” is who she’d be. The darkness merely forced her to prove it.

Pulled towards her destiny with a blind faith that swathed her in grace, her “should have been” broken soul remained unbroken. She never stopped believing in love and refused to be a jaded victim. She was that girl who smiled every time it rained, danced after her life unraveled, and rejected the devil’s lie that life was not worth living. Then, right on cue, the vividly colored palette she’d been handed by The Master began morphing into the grey that infused her canvas.

She had to rewrite her fairytale ending an infinite number of times, but never once did she cower at the thought of starting over. Deep in her being, she’d somehow always known that endings were just beginnings, and even the most beautiful seasons had to change.

Each time the abyss tried to steal the crown from her head, she’d adapt, survive, and emerge from her cocoon the ungroundable Phoenix that she was. Indeed she was a creation of Light that simply could not be dimmed. God’s own divine apostrophe ….

I’m an apostrophe. I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see. I’m just a product of the system. A catastrophe, and yet a masterpiece, and yet I’m half diseased. And when I am deceased, at least I’ll go down to the grave and die happily. Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee. I’ll do what it takes.

{“Whatever It Takes” … Imagine Dragons}

“She” is me!

“She” can be YOU!

If you are stumbling in the dark right now, please allow me to encourage you. PICK UP THE CROWN THAT THE DARKNESS KICKED OFF YOUR HEAD AND GET IT BACK UP WHERE IT BELONGS! Not just for you, but for the others who are standing beside you. They may need your light to see the way out of their own darkness.

We are all created from perfection.

We are ALL divinely inspired.

We are ALL a product of the Light this world wants to extinguish.

Find the faith that is buried beneath all your ashes and the Light you just can’t see right now will radiate from your soul. Before you know it, you’ll be punctuating this world with all the things mortal eyes can’t see.

JULY 18, 2021: “MY Little Girl!” …

“SWEET SIXTEEN”

Many cheers to a highly successful weekend of celebrating the beautiful enigma I am blessed to call my daughter! Most people have no idea the REAL battles this girl has risen above, nor the infinite and astounding amounts of grace and forgiveness she has shown SO many people that truly don’t deserve it. Someone recently asked me that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? My answer was INSTANT and easy …

I want to be more like my daughter!

This often SHIT world we get to live in is SUCH a better place with her in it, and I cannot say it enough. She’s got a personality like me (she’s careful who she lets in), so anyone worthy enough to be in the glow of her halo is one truly lucky human soul. I love you Gloria Catherine. You are EVERY flawless stone in my jewel encrusted crown. I thank God every single day for picking ME to be your momma. No, I probably didn’t deserve her, but here I am rocking the “HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MY PRINCESS!” And remember …

You’re beautiful, baby, from the outside in. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world, but to me you know you’ll always be MY little girl!

{Tim McGraw}

JULY 7, 2021: “Nothing” …

I want you to know that YOU ARE AMAZING! I may not know you – but I do know this … you’re a freaking ROCK STAR!

Claim it!

Own it!

BE IT!

It’s not “you against them” – IT’S YOU AGAINST YOU! The Force is with you, because The Force is INSIDE YOU, and it has been all the while. You just have to STAND UP and LOOK IN THE MIRROR to find it. But remember:

Nothing’s ever gonna change if you don’t stand up and you don’t say nothing. Waiting on better days, but they won’t show up if you don’t do nothing. Deep down it hurts that I can’t do a thing. My eyes are bleeding, they’re glued to the screen. Headlines are monsters that everyone honors. Blink if it hurts you to see what I see. Both eyes have witnessed this catastrophe. Stand at the altar, swear me a promise. Don’t you surrender! NO! Put a needle in your coffin counting all your losses. You’re not safe! If you only gotta stand up, STAND UP! Face with the truth in the demons we see. Fist to the sky, tell me what you believe! Put down your weapons! Put down your weapons! If you’ve been kicked down, get back to your feet! No turning back now, no there’s no retreat! When they hear us running, they’ll know we’re coming. Don’t you surrender! NO! There’s no surrender! Stand up! Stand up! {Papa Roach}

JULY 6, 2021: “You’re My Best Friend” …

TO MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD (ME!):

Ooh, you make me live. Whatever this world can’t give to me. It’s you – you’re all I see. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had. I’ve been with you such a long time! You’re my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you! Oh, you’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Ooh, I’ve been wandering ’round. Still come back to you. In rain or shine, you’ve stood by me girl. I’m happy at home. You’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the first one when things turn out bad. You know I’ll never be lonely. You’re my only one, and I love the things – I really love the things that you do! Oh, you’re my best friend! {Queen}

Yes, IT’S TRUE! “Me and me” are thick like THIEVES and we’re staying in this game for the very, very, VERY long haul!

Damn! When I think of where I’d be by now had I figured all this out WAY back at the very beginning of the story, I kinda want to shake “the old me” and say …

Hey bitch! You ARE okay! You’re gonna BE okay! I won’t let you down when the seasons change. So, CHIN UP! KNUCKLES OUT! Dry your pretty eyes, ’cause we got this!”

On second thought, NAH! I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS! Not a single one EVER! Nothing can be gained if nothing is ever lost. It’s all just a part of the experience and I wouldn’t change a thing.

If you are reading this now, I wish you well! When you close your eyes tonight, please do not fall asleep before first making a solemn pact with YOU to start treating YOU like “you’re own best friend”! Let’s face it – it’s kinda rough out there folks. This world can be a shitty place to wander around in all alone. There are cruel people AND circumstances waiting around every corner to break your effing back.

DON’T LET “YOU” DOWN!

“You and you” are gonna be okay, but you just HAVE to stick together. Let nothing and NO ONE come between “you and you”! YOU GOT THIS! I promise.

MAY 30, 2021: “No Matter How Long It Took” …

“Joe’s Farm”
~ Piedmont, New Hampshire ~
Courtesy Of Bill Hower (A “Virtual Stranger”)

… Somehow He Found A Way!

On this day twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son out for a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.

But here’s the deal …

Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).

Dearest Mine …

I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then I will remain near.

I am your friend and love you very much.

Jesus

{Author Unknown}

… to which my response is:

Dearest Mine …

I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.

I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!

Catherine

It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

MAY 28, 2021: “So Take The Best Parts Of Me” …

… locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side.

“The Brighter Side Of Grey” ~ Five Finger Death Punch

… that moment you realize yet again that your child’s creative talent puts even your best work to shame, and all you can do is sigh, because “with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right”.

She is my gift to this world.

They both are. My legacies. My everything. The Brighter Sides of ALL my beautiful greys. Have I ever told any of you that I am THE luckiest queen on this Earth?

… BELOW …

Her “Principles of Design” series freshman project. She was asked to use “random bits and pieces” on a 4×7 surface to present her personal interpretations of design concepts such as “Unity”, “Emphasis”, “Symmetry”, “Contrast”, “Rhythm & Movement”, and “Asymmetrically Balanced”. Each of these “bits” of cardstock and paper were individually hand-cut and arranged …

MAY 18, 2021: “Song Of Myself” …

When my son was 16 years old he started a process between the two of us wherein he would communicate his feelings to me by sending me songs. It fast became “a thing” with us, and to this day, even 15 years later, he still lets me know EXACTLY what’s going on in his head with music. Over the years, however, “the process” has morphed into so much more than just “me and him”. It’s about “me” too. These days? I communicate with ME with music! Singing myself LOVE SONGS is one of my favorite “Mental Wealth Hacks”. It’s a very powerful way to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOURSELF BACK TO LIFE.

WHEN THE SEASONS CHANGE

There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide … {Five Finger Death Punch}

MAY 17, 2021: “Into The Mystery I Slide” …

There was no-one like him. I’d lived in a world of black and white, and he was the only one in color.

… but then again …

There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered.

Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth …

… OR …

There is “One Last King” preparing himself for ME somewhere out there in this realm.

Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a TRUE “alpha man” to the core who will easily win the privilege and HONOR of taking and RULING my heart and seeing “all of me“.

But wait, Cat! Didn’t you just say you won’t be an easy catch? That seems so contradictory!

That is correct! I will not be an easy catch. But you see, if “he” is who I know he is to even capture my attention in the first place, it will be easy for him to do! It will be a cosmic clash of two Earthly titans, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be! I WILL ONLY DO THIS ONE MORE TIME and I will not not be “playing” around. HE’LL BE PLAYING FOR KEEPS! Nothing less. Nothing more. Only time will tell.

This is me speaking into the Cosmos that I’m 100% open to what and “if” is or is NOT meant to be. I call it “Queen-Speak“.

IT IS SPOKEN!

MAY 16, 2021: “Why Some Old Friends Die So Soon” …

WHY DO DOGS LIVE LESS THAN HUMANS?

I recently saw this question posted on a dear friend of mine’s Facebook page, and although he was not the author of the original “response of a six year old child”, I believed it was still worth sharing.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that dogs’ lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live. He said, ”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued … ”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay for as long as we do.

{Author Unknown}

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Remember, if the dog was giving the lessons, you would learn things like:

  • When loved ones come home, run to greet them!
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride!
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy!
  • Take naps!
  • Stretch before rising!
  • Run, romp, and play daily!
  • Thrive on attention!
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do!
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass!
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree!
  • When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body!
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk!
  • Be faithful!
  • Never pretend to be something you’re not!
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it!
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently!

If only any of you knew just how much I’ve learned over the years from my own fur babies. As of late, in so many ways, “Lord Walter The Williamson” has been one of our biggest heroes in the 635 days since his Daddy had to cross over to The Brighter Side Of Grey. Someday I will have to go back and tell you all about that, but as for now, the actual miracle of his presence in our lives and the mere reason I believe he was sent to us in the first place is just too overwhelming for even “all my words”. Sufficed to say, at the end of the day, I am one of those people who finds it no coincidence that “DOG” is “GOD” spelled backwards. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. They aren’t just four-legged creatures. They’re four-legged teachers.

MAY 9, 2021: “Mama’s Boys” …

MOTHER’S DAY 2021!

My son started singing “Hold My Hand” at around age three, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally take and “hold my hand” as we walked through any public space we traversed together as he belted it out loud for the world to hear. Not long after, another one cued up while I was driving him to school one morning. “A Song For Mama”. Ugh! He reached across the console and “held my hand” yet again and I sobbed like a baby girl. Years later, it was our bittersweet “Mother/Son” dance at The Frog & The Butterfly. That being said, have any of you ever really listened to the words?

You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me – I’ll always keep it inside. You’re the driving force in my life. There isn’t anything or anyone that I could be, and it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have you by my side. You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray. Whenever I was down, you were always there to comfort me, and no one else can be what you have been to me. You will always be the girl in my life for all times. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars, yes it is. Mama I just want you to know lovin’ you is like food to my soul. You’re always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. Yes you did. And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me. You always did understand. You gave me strength to go on. There were so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you’d come to me and say to me I can face anything. And no one else can do what you have done for me. You’ll always be the girl in my life. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars. Mama I just want you to know – Lovin’ you is like food to my soul. Never gonna go a day without you. {Boyz 2 Men}

So, imagine you’re a highly impressionable, innocent young boy, or even a grown man who’s never had a mama to sing these words to or feel these sentiments for? Worse yet, imagine you’re a boy who’s “mama” just got up and bolted because she was a self-consumed, vile excuse of a woman who took the utmost honor and responsibility of “mama” and spat both it and her children on the ground? These days, it seems that man bashing and “all men are the devil” is the flavor of the day, but I gotta tell ya, those kinda words will bring the literal DEVIL out of ME! Not only is stereotyping a clear sign of true moronacy, because after all, unless you can prove that you have indeed known every man who is or ever was, then indeed you are a moron. But more so than that …

Anything men can do, WE can do better!

Really? Then, SUCK IT UP SALLY and come down from your sanctimony, ’cause with THAT train of thought…

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!

Sometimes (but not “always”) when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good hard look in the mirror. Maybe it’s YOU that’s manifesting the “asshole” out of him! Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And BY the way ladies-

Don’t forget where we came from …

THEIR RIB!

I’m an ecumenical abuser! What’s good for the gander IS good for the goose as well, so let’s all stop pointing the finger at “the OTHER gender” and do a better job managing our own business and “roles”. We’re ALL human! We’re ALL a hot mess! We ALL make mistakes! WE CAN ALL BE THE DEVIL AT TIMES! That being said, the sobering truth is it’s the woman’s hand that literally “rocks the cradle” (or at least that’s what they were intended to do). We are the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire effing COSMOS to the babies we bear, and even wild animals instinctively know this to be true and sometimes do much better jobs of raising their children than some human “things” with wombs. Now, does a good, strong, emotionally strong and healthy dad have value in the parenting process? OF COURSE HE DOES! Duh, do you think I’m stupid? But you see my friends, “mama” is the ultimate power! Only WE can make them! Only WE can irreparably BREAK them! For every toxic “DEVIL of a man” who’s out there roaming this planet giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his broken ways back to the hands of the WOMAN who either did or did not raise him. Sorry, NOT sorry, but it’s the truth, and I don’t care what any of you have to say about it.

I thank GOD for the good “alpha” men in this world. I respect them. I value them. I worry for them. I PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and honor them as the strong towers they were intended to be. I am a woman who has been lucky enough to be loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS on this Earth. At the end of the day, I thank God I wasn’t born one, because from the moment they draw their first breathe they are expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If YOU are a man-hating woman reading this … GET OUT OF MY DIARY RIGHT NOW! You’re NOT my people – YOU’RE GROSS! ZERO do I want your misguided nonsense in my atmosphere. Sorry. NOT SORRY! Now GO!

MAY 8, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Quotes” …

Which One Are You?

DON’T LIE!

BE REAL!

Would you do ANYTHING to protect the sanctity of your children’s environment, “mental wealth”, and well-being? Or are you one of those SELFISH MOMS who merely drags the children you were blessed with along through your carnival of “me, me, ME” bullshit and drama?

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE “GOOD MOMS” OUT THERE!

You’re the hand that rocks the cradle!

To all the rest of you girls who are lucky enough to call themselves “mom” yet treat your children as an accessory if and when it’s convenient: You’re the hand that DESTROYS the cradle AND the babies that were in them, so you’ll be keeping the mental health system alive and kicking until the end of time. At least you’re doing your part to boost the economy, right? CONGRATS little girls! Not only are you GROSS and DISGUSTING – but YOU are primarily what’s wrong with this fucked up world we all live in! Yah, I said that! Sorry. NOT sorry! … “Sancti-MOM-Ius”

APRIL 27, 2021: “A Spoonful Of Wisdom From The Maestro” …

Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of one of TOP 10 favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process after many failed attempts. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. IF YOU KNOW – YOU KNOW! If you don’t, you don’t.

You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am not appreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.

You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are” – it’s “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage: “To whom much is given, much is expected”.

Then we have the true humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …

Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment. The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

{Sir Anthony Hopkins}

It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.

DROP THE MIC!

APRIL 26, 2021: “Down With The Fallen” …

Yes, my friends … I too have been in this place many times in my life: “Tired eyes barely open”, and crippled by countless promises broken. I have seen my share of fallen empires, and cried out to God on my hands and knees:

Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!

The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.

Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling – AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER driving it alone!

PERSPECTIVE.

IT’S EVERYTHING!

And so are you my ghost rider friend! Now, get out there and MAN THAT SHIP like the cosmonaut you really are!

DOWN WITH THE FALLEN

Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}

APRIL 9, 2021: “Farewell My Prince” …

“The Duke Of Edinburgh”
(June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)

Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.

Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, and the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s.

Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST IS? But someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”, and my answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a divergent spectrum, right? But once again I’ve digressed …

Many people criticize, and assault the monarchy and it’s autocratic rule, but I do not. They are mortal human beings, just like all of us, each with their own “story” and unknown personal struggles. Prince Phillip lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would ever sign up for.

Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.

You will live on in infamy! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, and all the ways your your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve FINALLY made it to The Moon and that one day I will get to sit and chat with you on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

APRIL 8, 2021: “How Do Ya Like Me NOW?” …

A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …

Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.

It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be alone but not lonelyhere in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.

Damn, I’m such a biotch!

Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!

Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.

Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!

Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:

I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}

MARCH 2, 2021: “Three Strikes And I’m IN!” …

I KNOW

And where do I begin with what I’m to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through, even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you, because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go. I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart. (He knows your heart.) I’m holding tight to the few things that I know. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. He’s made a way. {Mercy Me}

MARCH 31, 2021: “Broken” …

In case you need to hear this right now …

It’s okay to let yourself feel the cuts, bruises, and painful jagged edges from being “broken”. Let them be your greatest GIFT! More so than that, don’t EVER let anyone (including yourself) make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or “feel bad” because someone may be feeling “worse”!

Trauma comparison” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s pain and suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only highly assumptive, but one of THE cruelest self-tortures of all! IT BELITTLES YOU! IT INVALIDATES YOU! IT SAYS “YOU” ARE NOT WORTHY OF COMPASSION!

Believing that someone else’s trauma is bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both people, because while you are wondering how they survived theirs, they may be wondering how you survived yours! It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that “what you’ve gone through” isn’t as bad as what someone else has can gravely hinder or negate the external help and support you need, thus keeping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive. Trust me – THIS I KNOW! Have you read anything I’ve written? Do you know the story of my king? For years we both suffered in our respective former lives. Me? I spent a lifetime being chastised and told that I should just get over myself because nothing was ever really so bad …

You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have! Beautiful children. A beautiful husband. A beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU’RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL. Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and just start being more grateful?

... and HIM? OMG! Don’t EVEN get me started! No one gave a FUCK about “his feelings” of abandonment and being thrown away by his mother! Literally – NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN! Through it all, he’d somehow managed to convince himself there was nothing wrong with his childhood, and didja see how all that ended?

Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to convalesce your wounds, but don’t wallow in them too long. “How long is too long?” We move about our cabins in our own personal way, because each person’s “reality” is based upon their own unique point of view, the different life experiences they’ve had, the values instilled in them from a very young age, and how they may be feeling at any particular time. EVERYONE FEELS THINGS DIFFERENTLY!

But know this …

Once you’re done grieving the “you” who you were before “what ever it was” happened to you, you have to move on and overcome! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON AND OVERCOME! I saw an amazing quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:

Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.

No. Truer. TRUTH!

One day you’ll wake up and find yourself standing in front of a mirror with the Light that’s pouring through all those cracks shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my greatest and truest wish that you will fall to your knees and thank GOD for having ever been broken, no matter how little or how much!

Keep the faith my friends. “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” Though I may not personally “know” all of you, I do so love EVERY one of you! You, are, MY PEOPLE! MY broken “PHOENIX” people. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s only the “broken people” I truly understand. Together our shards are manifesting the MOST magnificent mosaic this cosmos will have known!

WHAT IF?

What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared and confused, because those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Well, I’M TELLING YOU! Not only do I speak to you in “broken”, I speak to you from a place of LOVE! It just so happens that I personally know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks in my soul with “Light” every single day! When I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it just to me …

BROKEN

Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real. Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really real? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes I know. Yes I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}

MARCH 30, 2021: “Because Hope Is A Good Thing” …

The Shawshank Redemption was Zack’s favorite movie of all times. To him, it screamed “hope” in every circumstance, and despite the obviously tragic ending, trust me when I tell you that he tried not to literally lose his mind and fall apart the way he did. Ironically, we watched it together for probably the twentieth time the weekend before he died and he cried the whole way through it. Looking back, I know in my heart that as he was watching it for the very last time he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer and all that all the “hope” he tried so hard to find in doing so was fast coming to a screeching halt. We’d talked incessantly about what he was feeling in his heart and mind, and towards the end he just kept saying it felt like he was trapped inside a prison. Five nights later, he was gone.

In here is where it makes the most sense … you need it so you don’t forget … that there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone … that there’s something inside that they can’t get to … they can’t touch … it’s yours … hope.”

Having done a little investigating, I was able to have a conversation with one of the first responders at the scene the morning of August 23rd, and he was kind enough to answer some of questions I needed answers to. He said that when they found him, the car was still running, and there was opera music playing inside so loud that they could hear it through the windows. I JUST KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS LISTENING TO AT THE END WAS HIS FAVORITE MUSICIAL MASTERPIECE OF ALL – Mozart’s “The Marriage Of Figaro” – the one from his favorite scene in the movie …

Here’s the thing …

There are so many questions I will never have answers to, and even more things I will never understand. Only God and Zack know what was going through his mind while he was alone in that car those last dark hours, minutes, and seconds. Even if it’s true that I will see him again in another place and time, and even if I do get to meet God one day, there is still no assurance that ponderings such as these will be part of the conversations to be had, much less will I even know that I pondered them at all. In “the opera scene”, Red said …

I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.

Likewise, I have no idea what Zack was really thinking about or “listening to” in the very last seconds of his life, but I’d like to think …

He was thinking about something so beautiful it just couldn’t be expressed in words, despite how his heart was aching, and it was the Light at the end of the very dark tunnel that had been his life on Earth that WAS the last bit of “hope” he was clinging to.

As par for our course, there are some things He will reveal to me only if and when I am ready to hear them, and so many other things that aren’t meant for me to understand at all. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! I have the truly blind faith in my mind’s eye to guide me as I’m crossing over and that is all the “hope” I’ll ever need. Indeed it’s a VERY good thing!

MARCH 27, 2021: “Starving A Narcissist” …

… but even THEN it sometimes takes a hot minute to send them packing for their next kill!

In November of 1996, I “got to learn” the very hard way what really lied beneath the surface of the most narcissistic, evil man I’ve ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with …

… and his name was John.

Note that as I wrote “man”, I literally and not metaphorically laughed my fucking ass off! I’ve since been enlightened as to the true measure of a “man”, and “man” gives him way more credit than what his very SMALL affect truly is (and I do mean SMALL in every way). He’s a hoovering narcissist. Nothing more and nothing less.

Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image. Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again. Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.

{Alethia Luna ~ “8 Signs You’re The Victim Of An Abusive Hoovering Narcissist“}

As par for the course the past 20 years, John never fully left my atmosphere since our near fateful departure. Not long after he and Angie leveled me to the point of almost no return, he showed up at my home to deliver a stack of Christmas presents and a little somethin’ else. Keep in mind that he was already engaged to Angie at the time, and although NOTHING happened between “us”, something indeed happened between “him and himself” right there on my bed! It was one of the most twisted things I’d ever witnessed in my life, which is saying a lot. After having admittedly driven my own self crazy and spending time in a couple of “facilities”, trust me when I tell you – I’VE WITNESSED SOME TWISTED SHIT!

At first he tried gaslighting it back to my insanity, but a friend hooked my phone up to a recording device so I could try to lure the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation, WHICH HE DID!i I then proceeded to take said recording to Angie’s family and play it for them out loud! Yup! That happened. That really fucking happened! Sounds far fetched, I know, but let me assure you that the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissit” at his very best game EVER are all still alive to tell about it!

Meanwhile, some years later, in the irony of all ironies, despite the fact that he had always chastised the “pompous, showy affluence” in the small town where I lived, guess which “pompous, showy, affluent town” John and his now ex-wife chose to build their home in? Ding, ding, ding, ding ding! OUR TOWN! In fact, they built said home in the subdivision that abutted the one where my parents still live today, which is across the street from where my ex-husband and I used to live. So, imagine my surprise years later when I walked a then baby Gia to the park across the street from my home, only to find John’s wife and daughter playing there as well! I’m not gonna lie, I have long since wondered whether there was really any “irony” with that at all. But I’ve digressed.

Very long and sordid tale short, they eventually began working out at the Lifetime Fitness Center that was our “gym home” (and is still mine), and we would see them there often. At a certain point, in being polite, formal introductions were made, and my husband (who’s physical presence over-powered him by at least a half a foot and a hundred pounds) had even shaken his hand once. But trust me when I tell you, Zack knew ALL about “John and Angie”, and every time he saw me politely engaging John’s cordial conversations, he literally wanted to slit his throat. Both Zack and Gia had always said he looked like an actual snake (and now that I think of it, he really kinda does), and whenever Gia sees him she shudders with physical chills. AND GET THIS: Despite the fact that Angie and John had parted ways, such that he had married the blonde girl I ran into at the park, she too became a member at that gym. So, I saw them both there all the fucking time. But in my mind, bygones were now bygones, sooo …

In his defense, I must admit that I brought his last round of bullshit on myself. Not because I’m weak – BECAUSE I’M FORGIVING! He’d reached out to me not too long after Zack died, and I’d even agreed to meet him for dinner because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he’d somehow changed. Said dinner didn’t end well, and perhaps someday I’ll tell you why. As for now, I’ll reveal how this drama finally played out by showing you! If you pay close attention to the dates and times, you will clearly see it! Texting. Double-texting. “Feigned concern”.

MARCH 27, 2020

APRIL 5, 2020

APRIL 6, 2020

APRIL 12, 2020

APRIL 29, 2020

APRIL 30, 2020

MAY 10, 2020

MAY 24, 2020

JUNE 13, 2020

AUGUST 13 & 14, 2020

THE END!

Well, kind of! On Tuesday, February 16th, he texted me again. Then again. Then again.

To which my final response is this:

Unaffected. Unimpressed. Laughing my ass off yet again. This little man just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for almost every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words:

STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST! STARVE!

MARCH 25, 2021: “86,400” …

PROJECT “FAMILY DINNER”?

SUCCESS!

This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.

TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO IS AT ODDS WITH YOURSELF OR “YOUR PEOPLE”:

It’s never to late to start again! Indeed it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.

“Hurt people” HURT people.

“Healed healed” HEAL people.

While no one REALLY knows what the end game here really is, I’m pretty dam sure that FORGIVENESS is the answer to the greatest cosmic mystery of all — “WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE?” You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for ANY of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you it’s EVERYTHING! Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well, and spend those seconds wisely, so that if you have to leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES”!

MARCH 24, 2021: “This Can’t Go Wrong” …

… ’cause the best laid plains just CAN’T go wrong … RIGHT?

Nope, I don’t want to be exposed “to the places no one goes”, and I will never again allow myself to “feel like a leper”! I won’t allow myself to be left behind in the caves I used to hide in from all the pressure, and as far as all those people who foolishly and fruitlessly attempted to arm-chair quarterback diagnose my “darkness”? As it turns out, it wasn’t really “darkness” in me after all. It was just the beautiful Light burning deep within my soul that burnt out all their eyeballs and made it look like I was “dark”! MY BRIGHTNESS FRIGGING BLINDED THEM! Only fire can survive fireeverything else just disintegrates!

I’ll betcha that twenty dollars I found in the laundry that I’m gonna be JUST fine as I walk through the doors of Bonefish tonight and laugh straight in the face of “adversity”. Nothing, no one, NEVER, EVER, NEVER is gonna steal this joy from my heart, the precious memories that are MINE, or the glorious CROWN on my “Real Cat” head! I, love, my, LIFE! Every single “beautifully chaotic” second of it. My reputation DOES proceed me … and that’s JUST the way that it is!

MARCH 23, 2021: “Taking The Crown” …

Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …

You,

Are,

AMAZING!

“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!

And remember …

It’s okay to scream out loud that you are WAY TOO GOOD for assholes and their toxic bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you too are a badass in your own right, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. DON’T LET ANYONE LOWER YOU TO THEIR “SURFACE LEVEL”. Make them rise to you, OR LEAVE THEM DOWN AT THE BOTTOM!

Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!

Okay, that’s all!

Love Cat

MARCH 22, 2021: “Life Up On Top Of The Bridge” …

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS …

You … are going … to be … OKAY! As long as there is still breathe in your lungs and you wake up again tomorrow morning, THERE’S STILL A CHANCE FOR YOU TO FIND THE LIGHT! The Moon does always fall. The Sun does always rise. I promise, promise, promise. All of which NOW reminds me of some THE MOST beautiful words I never knew I needed to hear until I heard them from a Swedish Flyboy on an American plane coming back from France

Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.

{Walt Whitman}

Chin up.

Knuckles out.

Keep the faith.

LIFE MUST GO ON

Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. They only remind you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way. But hope is not gone, ’cause The Sun always sets, The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal and joy seemed to last. Yesterday. Forever is gone. We have our misfortunes – the darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning … the promise awaits … and know that this life must go on. And the Sun always sets. The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. {Alter Bridge}