SEPTEMBER 1, 2022: “A Day To Be Alone!” …

Well?

HAVE YOU?

Been there! Done that! Guilty as frigging charged! Ironically, it was my kids’ father who first sent me this song late one night many years ago during the process of our final dissolution in what I suppose was an attempt to validate my then very broken feelings. Nevertheless, the bittersweet words did then and still do resonate. I very much do remember the many nights days and nights gone by when “all I had were screams inside, but somehow they came out in a smile” and I would literally hide inside my bedroom and scream into a pillow.

Meanwhile, I am here to tell you that even the strongest phoenixes and all God’s favorite children cry their ACTUAL fucking eyes out and “silent scream”, and yes, I still do so from time to time. These days, however, it’s more so for the sake of my kids, because as every mother knows, I am only ever as strong as my weakest child, so, when they’re going through it, I’m going through it, so much so that I can barely even breathe when I see either of my children suffering, so sometimes, “silent screaming” it is, because letting them see me falling apart when they need me to be strong for them just isn’t an option.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. If it was good enough for God’s Son, it’s good enough for ALL of us, and that, my friends, is why John 11:35 is truly my favorite verse:

“Jesus wept.”

That’s right, people. I just quoted The Bible and dropped an eff bomb in one hell of an oxymoron of a post. I suppose it’s part of my charm, and nope, I’m NOT fucking proud of it, but rest assured that I’ll deal with those repercussions later.

In the meantime …

Jean-Claude Van Damn NOPE, this “human BEING” thing ain’t for the faint of heart. If you woke up on the top side of the ground today despite any circumstances that are trying to bury you six feet under, you, too, are STRONGER than you may know! If you need a day to be alone, TAKE A DAY TO BE ALONE, the just grab that pillow and SCREAM!

And remember …

Don’t you dare think for a single minute that you really are “alone inside your room” while you’re screaming into that pillow. While you’re screaming, God is saying:

I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down … I’ll fight through your pain. I’ll be there right by your side.

{“When The Seasons Change” … by Five Finger Death Punch}

Wow! Look at me mixing up two of my favorite songs in one Diary entry! Yah, I’m kinda kookie like that. Good GRIEF, how I love my life! For the record, while I may not personally have anything to scream into my own pillow about today while I’m alone here inside my castle, I’m always mindful of the fact that there are so many others who are suffering in this life, and often in solitude and silence. I feel it. I do. My heart truly aches and is with all of you who are screaming today. You are NOT alone!

A DAY TO BE ALONE

She said, “I wonder when it’ll be my day? ‘Cause I’m not too far from breaking down. All I’ve got are screams inside, but somehow they come out in a smile, and I’m wondering if I’ll always feel this way. This way.” Tell me about those nights you stayed awake. Tell me about those days you hated me. Tell me how you’d rather die alone than being stuck here with me. And maybe you’ve fallen down, and maybe you just took the long way home, but baby you could never love you like me. And one day this will fade away. In the mirror you’ll see a smiling face, and standing next to you will always be me. Yeah me. One day you’re gonna see things my way. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe. When all I’ve got are pictures to view, it was nothing before and I started with you, and for some reason it’s supposed to be that way. That way. If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands. We made it hurt so much. I can’t forget the past. Just tell me what to say, show me what to do, then I could forgive me and I would forgive you. {One Less Reason}

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