Well, HAVE you?

Been there! Done that! Guilty as frigging charged! Ironically, it was my kids’ father who first sent me this song years ago during our final dissolution in what I suppose was an attempt to validate my then very broken feelings. Nevertheless, the bittersweet words did then and still do deeply resonate. I very much remember the many days and nights when “all I had were screams inside, but somehow they came out in a smile” and I would literally hide inside my bedroom and scream into a pillow.

Meanwhile, I am here to tell you that even the strongest phoenixes and most favorite of God’s favorite children cry their ACTUAL fucking eyes out and “silent scream” into their pillows. ME! ME! ME! I do it! These days, it’s more so for the sake of my kids that I either “pillow scream” or “panic chair” in private:

You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.

{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

As as every mother knows, I’m only ever as strong as my weakest child. When they’re going through it, I’m going through it, so, sometimes, “silent screaming” is the best thing I can do, because letting them see me fall apart when they need me to be strong just isn’t an option.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. If it was good enough for God’s Son, it’s good enough for us, and why John 11:35 is my favorite verse:

“Jesus wept.”

That’s right, people. I just quoted scripture and dropped an eff bomb in one HELL of an oxymoronical post. It’s part of my charm, and nope, I’m NOT fucking proud of it. Rest assured that I’ll deal with those consequences later.

In the meantime …

Jean-Claude Van DAMN, this “human BEING” ain’t for the faint of heart! If you woke up on the top side of the soil today despite anything that’s trying to bury you, you’re STRONGER than you know. If you need a day to be alone, TAKE A DAY TO BE ALONE. Just grab that pillow and SCREAM!

And remember …

Don’t you dare think that you really are “alone inside your room” when you’re alone inside your room. While you’re holding your breathe so that no one can hear your screams, God is screaming for you:

I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down … I’ll fight through your pain. I’ll be there right by your side.

{“When The Seasons Change” … by Five Finger Death Punch}

Wow! Look at me mixing up two of my favorite songs in one entry! Yah, I’m kinda kookie like that. Good GRIEF, how I love my life! For the record, while I may not personally have anything to scream into my own pillow about today while I’m alone here inside my castle, I’m always mindful that there are others in this world who are suffering in silence. I feel it. I do. My heart truly aches for all who are screaming today, and no, you are NOT alone!

A DAY TO BE ALONE

She said, “I wonder when it’ll be my day? ‘Cause I’m not too far from breaking down. All I’ve got are screams inside, but somehow they come out in a smile, and I’m wondering if I’ll always feel this way. This way.” Tell me about those nights you stayed awake. Tell me about those days you hated me. Tell me how you’d rather die alone than being stuck here with me. And maybe you’ve fallen down, and maybe you just took the long way home, but baby you could never love you like me. And one day this will fade away. In the mirror you’ll see a smiling face, and standing next to you will always be me. Yeah me. One day you’re gonna see things my way. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe. When all I’ve got are pictures to view, it was nothing before and I started with you, and for some reason it’s supposed to be that way. That way. If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands. We made it hurt so much. I can’t forget the past. Just tell me what to say, show me what to do, then I could forgive me and I would forgive you. {One Less Reason}