Earlier this day I was wandering through the palace in search my daughter, the Princess Gia, and Lord Walter The Williamson, her faithful friend and companion, only to find them “perched at their perch” at the top of the very beautiful staircase my late husband built just for her. She was playing that favorite old album she dug out of a HEAP of old albums at this little treasure shop we found near our home on the Victrola record player she bought with her own money … because THAT is how she rolls! She was BELTING out loud The Bohemian Rhapsody and he was just howling right along with her. Seeing the two of them that way actually took my breathe away, and after I snapped this picture, I slipped quietly back to my room for one of my “sit quietly in the chair” kinda moments I’ve become somewhat famous for in my lifetime with Zachariah.
If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side, you know exactly what I’m talking about. (PS. It’s one of the top 10 favorite movies of my life!) It was that moment in the movie right after she finds out Michael had never had a bed of his own and became overwhelmed with emotions that she didn’t want him to see, at which point she had to go to her room, sit quietly in her chair, and just “allow herself to cry for a minute”. For all all her seemingly endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of “allowing herself” whatever self-care was necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was “doing this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions I would disappear back into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for like, the umteenth time in our decade together, he finally pointed it out: “You know honey, you do that too — the sitting in a chair thing!
Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.
So, nowadays, that is who I’ve become. Strong, and soft, and endlessly stoic, and a living sponge of emotions all at once. No matter the landslide of whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment, whether it be good, bad, or indifferent, sometimes I just have to sit down, take a breath, and a minute, AND LET MYSELF FEEL ALL OF IT!
The good news is that on this particular afternoon, the search for two of the only loves left in this lifetime for me that led me to find them “perched at their perch” in sing-song was indeed true and joyful rhapsody! I’m not gonna lie … I have truly been struggling with Zack’s suicide as of late. It’s not so much about his death and the fact that’s he’s gone and never coming home again. It’s more so about coming to the sobering realization that although I’m not “lonely” being alone now, I am feeling forsaken and abandoned by so many of the people I once considered friends. It’s this whole thing that is literally trying to level me minute by minute. But, in true “Real Cat” style … I’VE DIGRESSED! This seemingly insignificant moment of Light in the darkness I am trying not to drown in these days helped me set things into a much-needed perspective. And? I’m so thankful …
… because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low. Any way the wind blows … doesn’t really matter … AT ALL!