Earlier today, I was wandering through the castle in search of the Mona Lisa and her faithful companion, only to find them “perched at their perch” atop of the staircase he built just for her. She was playing a favorite old album she’d scored at a treasure shop near our home on the Victrola she bought with her own money … because that’s just how she rolls. She was belting Bohemian Rhapsody out loud, and he was just howling right along. Seeing the two of them like that actually took my breathe away, and after I snapped this pic, I quietly slipped back to my room for one of my famous “panic chair” moments.
If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side, you know exactly what scene I’m talking about. (PS. It’s one of my Top 10 favorite movies of all times.) It was that moment in the movie right after she finds out Michael had never had a bed of his own and became so overwhelmed with emotions that she had to go to her room, sit quietly in a chair, and just “allow herself” to cry for a minute. For all her seemingly stoic strength and resilience, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care was necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing this “panic chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was flooded with emotion, I would disappear to our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for like, the umteenth time in our decade together, he finally pointed it out:
You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.
These days, that’s what I’ve become. Strong, soft, endlessly stoic, and a sponge of emotions at once. No matter the landslide of whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment, be it good, bad, or indifferent, sometimes I just have to sit down, take a breath, and let myself feel all of it!
The good news is that on this particular day, the search for two of the only loves left in my life that led me to find them in singsong was, indeed, one of my trues rhapsodies. I have truly been struggling with Zack’s suicide as of late. It’s not so much about the fact that’s he’s never coming home again as its coming to the sobering realization that although I’m not “lonely” being alone now, I am feeling forsaken and abandoned by many of the people I once believed were friends. This seemingly insignificant moment of Light in the darkness I am trying hard not to drown in these days helped me set things back into a renewed perspective. For this, I’m thankful …
… because it’s easy come, easy go, little high, little low. Any way the wind blows … doesn’t really matter … AT ALL!