OCTOBER 15, 2020: “421 Days” …

… and STILL widowed ;

It’s taken 421 days for me to finally wake up to the sobering reality of “widowed and alone” … at which point I think my heart is actually broken even MORE than it was on August 22, 2019. In being honest, yesterday morning I was very close to something that looked like the edge. I thought about checking myself into a “spa” again for rest, but instead I’m just running away for a while to see what I can do to salvage the “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR ;” of it all.

It’s funny how this process has worked. My “closest friends”, the ones who I thought were my people, have all pretty much ghosted me by now. Farewell to every one of them and c’est la flipping vie! The real surprise, however, is the people who have not, some who were once total strangers. It’s the “friends from afar”, both in years and in miles, who have not forgotten to remember me.

You know who you are and I thank you from the deepest and most precious, vulnerable places of my truly broken heart!

For the record, I have and will ALWAYS forgive the people who have forsaken me. I mean … Have you met me? I’ve had to forgive the devil himself for the harm he brought to me and mine … but I will never EVER forget …

Everyone who has checked on me.

Everyone who has asked how my kids are.

Everyone who has invited us for a meal.

Everyone who has asked if they can help.

Everyone who has at least tried to get me out of the house.

The handful of people who remembered the day I was born!

Everyone who has remembered that for all my strength (and YES, I am STILL the strongest bitch I’ve EVER known), I am STILL a widow whose king and love of her life shot himself in the fucking head 421 days ago just 1.5 miles from our home and turned my life and my heart COMPLETELY inside out!

… AND …

Everyone who has not!

“But c’mon Cat … it’s COVID! That’s why I’ve been too busy to remember you. We all have full plates and problems of our own.” Yes, that’s right … it’s COVID … and we all have full plates and problems of our own! But guess what people? Even in all my grief, and even in all my sorrow, and even in all my anguish, and the light, and the dark, and the laughter, and the tears …

I haven’t forgotten ANYONE!

As far as I’m concerned, and I think many people would tend to agree, “COVID” is not only devastating the human population physically, emotionally and spiritually, but even more so separating, defining and clarifying exactly who and what people are. Some people are coming together in unity and community. Some people are drifting the fuck apart.

So, with that, as I move forward in my journey alone, some of you have forged a place so deep in the fabric of my being that there are literally not enough words to credit you. When you call on me, I will ALWAYS answer! When you need me, I will always be there! Morning. Noon. Or the wee hours of the fucking night. As for all you “ghosts” who forgot to remember that even the brightest Lights still need a base to plug into and even the strongest people still need support? I will see you, and I will smile, and make all the small talk and pleasantries, and yes, I will even pray for you. But don’t you forget that I will always remember who has been mindful of me and my children now that our cards are down. Someday, when it’s your turn to journey all alone maybe you’ll understand how it has felt to be me … WIDOWED! Actually? I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE!

Hey, wait! Do I sound a little bitter? Ummm, yah, I think I kinda am! You know me though … always keepin’ it real … and as for now … JUST WAITING FOR THE END TO COME!

Peace out!

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