OCTOBER 15, 2020: “421 Days” …

… and I’m STILL widowed ;

It’s taken 421 days for me to finally wake up to the sobering reality of “widowed and alone“, and I think my heart has broken even more than it did on August 22, 2019.

Yesterday, I was very close to something that looked like the edge. I thought about checking myself into another, err, “spa” for a rest, but instead I’m opting to just run away for a while and salvage my inner “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR ;” on the road.

It’s funny how this whole “widowed” thing has worked. After all was said and done, it was my, or should I say, our closest “friends” who’ve all but ghosted me. Farewell to every one of them and c’est la flipping vie! Lol! If, as I believe, Zack is really watching all of this, he has got to be even more heartbroken than I am.

Thanks for forgetting to remember my wife and kid!

The real surprise, however, is the people who have not, some who were once total strangers. It’s the “friends from afar”, both in years and in miles, who haven’t forgotten to remember me. You know who you are, and I thank you from the deepest and vulnerable places of my heart!

For the record, I have and will always forgive the people who’ve forsaken me. I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? I’ve had to forgive the devil himself for the harm he brought to me and mine. That being said, I will never forget those who have checked in on me and my kids, asked if they can help in any way, or at least tried to get me out of this house for a meal, a cup of coffee, or some fresh air. I especially won’t forget the very small handful of people who remembered the day I was born!

But c’mon Cat … it’s COVID! That’s why I’ve been too busy to remember you. We all have full plates and problems of our own.

Yada, yada, yada! Yes, it’s fucking COVID and we all have problems of our own. This pandemic has not only devastated humanity physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but even more so clarified exactly who and what people are. Some have come together in unity, but many have drifted the fuck apart. Guess what, people? Even in all my grief, and even in all my sorrow and anguish, I’ve forgotten NO ONE in this “great awakening“!

So, with that, as I move forward in my journey alone, some of you have forged a place so deep in the fabric of my being that there are literally not enough words to credit you. When you call on me, I will ALWAYS answer! When you need me, I will always be there! Morning. Noon. Or the wee hours of the fucking night.

As for all you “ghosts” who forgot that even the brightest Lights still need an energy source to plug into and even the strongest people still need support? I will see you, and I will smile, and I will make all the small talk and pleasantries. Still, don’t you forget that I will always remember who was mindful of me and mine when our cards went down. Someday, when it’s your turn to journey all alone, maybe you’ll understand how it has felt to be me. Actually? I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE!

Wait! Do I sound a little bitter? Umm, yah, I think I kinda am! You know me though … always keepin’ it real … and as for now … JUST WAITING FOR THE END TO COME!