One year ago today, the masked and anonymous English band “PRESIDENT” released this banger that I literally fell in love with when they opened for Bad Omens in Dallas this past March 19th.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said …

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

Perhaps an even lonelier moment in someone’s life, however, is that first time they really “see themselves” standing in the wake of their self-destruction and realize they literally handed someone the scissors that cut their entire life into shreds and it’s too late to start their story over again and keep those scissors in their own damn hands. Been there. Done that. You see, this is one of the best parts of gliding into my golden years with a tarnished but beautiful crown upon my head and a finger in the air as so many people, places, and things watch me walking away! It’s the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. And so, with that, don’t just go handing your heart or your scissors to someone who hasn’t earned the privilege and honor of holding them. Just sayin’.

In case you missed the memo, tonight is a lunar event! At the peak of the eclipse, approximately 96% of The Moon will enter Earth’s shadow, turning it into a burning bright blood red and leaving only a peep of light at its edge. Quite the phenomenon, indeed! It’s cosmic moments like these, however, that can also serve to remind us that just because a human psyche is being imprisoned by the darkness, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

“Light can devour the darkness, but darkness cannot consume the light.”

~ Matshona Dhliwayo ~

If you or someone you know is on the brink of an abyss and fighting not to fall through a black hole in your mind to the murk below, please remember to:

In keeping with Mary Oliver’s inspirational words, sometimes even the heaviest boxes of darkness we’re burdened with can reveal our greatest gifts. Trust me when I say I know this … because …. not only did I lose my husband to the shadows, I was once lost in them, too. All I know is “this too shall pass”, and the mere fact that I wholeheartedly believe those four most impeccable words to be true is a gift in and of itself. My greatest wish for anyone reading this right now is that if you haven’t already found a way to steal the Sun back from the umbra of your mind, that you do.

… and then there was that time that me and one of my besties tore up Dollywood after the Death Punch road trip of both our lives! For those of you who’ve never had the privilege and honor of visiting Dollywood – one of THE best places on this Earth, because when you’re there, you can literally FEEL her love and energy in every square inch of that park – I cannot recommend it highly enough!

In the meantime, rest in peace, beautiful young lady! No words can properly credit how you infected so many of our lives with the the Light that eminated from your tiny little body! She was “love incarnate“! As for me and mine? I will be damn good and sure that my grandbabies will know exactly who and what you were and why this world needed you the way it did! God speed right over that Bridge to The Brighter Side Of Grey! Yes, we will always love you!

Few are the men I could honestly say are or were truly good men. My paternal Grandfather and his namesake, my cousin Ernie (better known to me and all as “The General“), top the list of the less than two handfuls that I’ve keep in that category for years:

His father, Ernie, was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. He was loving and kind, caring and thoughtful, and all about his family. The man was a saint by even the harshest standards, and I’d be hard-pressed to find a single shortcoming in his character. In the 18 years I knew him, I never once heard him raise his voice or a fist, and never once heard him speak and unkind word about another. Which is not to say that he never ever said them, it’s just that if he did, he never let his impressionable grandchildren see it. To this day I smile when I remember the “worst word” I ever heard him say: “Garl darnit!” This was his version of profanity, and it took a fair amount of anger or frustration to get him there. My Grandpa was the polar opposite of any man I’d ever known until the day I met my late husband, but I’ll get to that much later. Sufficed to say, my beautiful Grandpa was and remains one of the brightest stars that has led my pathway from the sky. His legacy is one of love and kindness and the memories he left are unsoiled in my mind. Of course, he was but a mortal man, and with that, it’s certain that like all of us, he’d had his moments, grievances, “grudges” and maybe even “yelling, screaming and profanity”. As any good man and father should have, however, he was wise enough to shield the younger eyes that were watching and ears that were listening to anything less than impeccable words. Little did I know that he’d set the bar by which I’d judge all men impossibly high, and that it would be years before I understood why.

(“Phoenix Rising“)

Meanwhile … QUEUE the arrival of my “number Five” kid, the young man who’s captured my daughter’s heart and made it to the very top of my list. For reasons I can’t really say, it became clear to me fairly early in their relationship that he … is … THE ONE FOR HER! [SEE ALSO :: “The Day Of The Lululemon Zippy Jacket” … a story that shall remain between Abd, my daughter, and me.]

And so, with that, I would like to wish my “Number Five” child (in order of appearance in my atmosphere) a very Happy 23rd Birthday today! Abdil-Rhaman, there are no words to express how thankful I am that you showed up for our girl at the precipice of her either “falling backwards” into the abyss of all she’d been prior to “August 31, 2023” or “pushing forward” into every beautiful thing life has in store for not just her, but me as well because of YOU. I love you, kiddo, and so would have my Grandpa! Though you’ve yet to meet The General, when that day comes, I know he’ll love you, too. With that, and in keeping with the tribute my cousin made to my Grandpa years ago, here’s my tribute to you:

A REMARKABLE MAN, MY NUMBER FIVE: As a teenager, he left behind all he knew about life back in Jordan to seek the promise of the USA. He had only his determination, integrity, and a pocket full of dreams to lean on when that plane touched American soil, but that was more than enough upon which to build a future for not just himself, but his family, which thankfully now includes not just my daughter, but all of us! Because of his example, his values and his love, I’ll get to witness my daughter living out a fairytale that most girls will never truly know! The attached photo is of what I wish could have really happened … that is … his having gotten to hang out with my beloved Grandfather and one of my favorite humans, my cousin Ernie!

“Faces” …

Teeny, tiny, ‘lil bug-eyed little FACES!

In my humble opinion, the macro photography and videography of insects is one of THE most important professions in the animal kingdom, and what better way to acknowlege this than on this, “National Be Nice To Bugs Day“! Not only is it beyond useful in scientific studies and identification processes, but it allows us laypeople to truly connect with and marvel at the magnificent little beasts that live above and below us I’ve often said that “if we could just put a face with it, we can overcome it”, because when we can’t “see it” with our naked eyes, we all too often fear, abhor, and misunderstand it … not unlike all the other nameless, faceless, and invisible “monsters” in our lives, and once even wrote these words in my “Diary” as regards my former battle with mental illness and now lifelong advocacy of it in the wake of my late husband’s suicide after his heartbreaking war with it:

“It was so much easier to kill the monsters living in my head once I could see all their faces.”

(“Faces”)

… and such is my newfound appreciation and affection for all the creepy, crawly, googley-eyed little creatures that once haunted me as both a child AND adult. Thank you SO much Malbafont Macrophotography for your tireless and tedious work. Yours was the very first to open my eyes to the pure magic “above and below us” and put my fear of “bugs” to rest!

If you know, you KNOW … and by the way, I know you’re stalking this Diary! So, have a nice day all alone on the island you’ve built just for YOU tomorrow, and cheers to me for having a big fat yellow onion on hand at any given time so I can make myself “cry” when this war you created is finally over! Sorry. NOT sorry! Good job, bruh!

🖤

By the way, this same sentiment applies to all you “things with wombs” running around out there who went and sledgehammered those cradles you were supposed to rock and either physically or psychologically FUCKED your babies to their graves. Got it? GOOD!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the rest of you!

Walt Whitman once said,

“If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders”.

Well, if that’s true, it would seem as though I’m only ever anywhere but “here”. I mean, am I “present” when I need to be and “in the moment” when I’m with my loved ones, animals, and responsibilities? You bet, I am. The rest of the time, however, I’m flipping back to all the best parts of my journey … like all the times I’ve been blessed enough to gaze upon gothic cathedrals, castles, cobblestones, and every other epic place I’ve wandered through … in this life and all the others … and dreaming ahead to all the places I’ve yet to see. I’m like … “Real Cat In Wonderland” just Peter Panning my way through THIS spin around the marble and marveling at all the epic wonders that are tattooed across my heart, mind, and soul. It doesn’t suck to be me, by the way. It’s a charmed and whimsical life I live in the space between my ears, and I wouldn’t want to live in anyone else’s head but my own … “crazy” and “nonsensical” as it may be. Just sayin’.

What are some your heart wanders off to? Leave a comment and let me know!

“Oh, I danced with Cinderella! I didn’t miss even one song. Then all too soon the clock did strike midnight, and she … was … gone!”

Meanwhile, although I am going to drop this here tonight, I’ll have to circle back around to the words I’ll need to find to properly memorialize this bittersweet day my nest officially emptied. While I knew this day was fast approaching, I must admit that I didn’t know it would actually be this soon. How ironic is it that only hours ago I dropped this comment on a fellow squirrel mom’s post about her preparing to slowly begin letting go of her rehabbed fur babies?

Granted, and as you can see from my Life 360 screenshot, she’s only 3.5 miles away, but nevertheless … the clock has indeed struck midnight for this widowed and now empty-nested momma. Here’s to the next open pages and chapters for us to write in separate but also very much not separated castles! As for now, I think I’m going to allow myself to sob myself to sleep uncontrollably … because … even though this is the way it’s always supposed to be, it doesn’t mean it can’t rip my actual heart out momentarily. Goodnight everyone, it’s me, CAT!

… because you know you’ve done at least one thing right when you’ve raised a boy into a man who “when in Rome” on a highly secretive special ops mission with his beloved … while tracing the footsteps of our great, great, great, GREAT “Uncle Marcus” (Aurelius) and countless other survivor ancestors in the shadow of the epicenter of what I believe is the most important living symbol of the rise and fall of civilizations, military strategy, and civic administration … stops … to take time … to notice a frigging CROW! 

THAT’S my son, friends, and he is his mother’s child! Despite his kinda rough and tumble appearance and how he’s decided to build his own empire, has the heart and soul of a true animal-loving empath that runs far deeper than any human eye will ever see or mind will fully conceptualize. Oh, and by the way? I MADE HIM! Just thought I’d share. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!!

“The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.”

~ James Patterson ~

This bittersweet and powerful Netflix “Famous Last Words” interview of Eric Dane with a final message to his daughters was meant to be released and aired after his passing from a battle with ALS. Well? Sadly, he did, indeed pass today. Ugh.

Look, if you know anything about me by now, you know that I’m a ball of sometimes extremely polarizing emotions that I wear out loud and either proud or not so proud on my sleeves. If you know me even better than well, you know that while it doesn’t take much to bring tears to my eyes, especially when it comes to tender, sweet, and bittersweet moments involving my children and animals, getting me to cry tears of “pain and suffering” is becoming harder and harder as the days pass by. Perhaps I’m numb. Perhaps I’m not even alive anymore and I’m just a lost and wandering soul with a not that put together shell and really questionable, err, “outfits”. These “famous last words”, however, literally wrench my soul, and you best believe that it took me all of 120 milliseconds to drop it here in the Diary which is, by the way, nothing more or less than a virtual love letter to my babies … and their babies … and their babies.

I’m not gonna lie, I never watched the show he was on, wasn’t a fan (since I didn’t know his work), and didn’t know a thing about him. Lol, I was “yesterday years old” when I finally put it all together and realized he was that “Dr. McSteamy” I’ve oft heard about from other women.  What I do know, however, is he was a husband and a father and these final words to HIS babies are impeccable. Godspeed, Mr. D. Godspeed.

Imagine trying to explain white to someone who has never seen black. You cannot have any experience without its opposite. LIGHT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF DARKNESS. Joy is meaningful because we know sorrow. Love is precious because we understand loneliness. The ancient Chinese called it Yin and Yang. Not opposing forces, but two sides of one reality. We’ve been taught that life is about eliminating the negative, but that’s like trying to have mountains with only peaks and no valleys. It misses the whole point. Your darkest moments aren’t punishments, they are what give meaning to your brightest ones. Without winter, spring wouldn’t feel like a miracle. The goal isn’t to escape darkness, but to dance with both light and shadow. What if your struggles aren’t the enemy of happiness, but the very thing that makes happiness possible?

~ Alan Watts~

… and once you fully understand and adopt this core value into your way of thinking, your life and perceptions about almost everything will change. If you dig into his philosophies, you’ll find they have a profound way of permanently rooting themselves deep within your psyche and opening your mind to wisdoms and ideals you never even knew existed and reframing your thoughts to get the most out of your daily reality. For the record, I have long since added Mr. Watts to my “Lucky Charms List” of people I’ve had most wanted to sit and have a bowl of cereal with while discussing life.

I saw these breathtaking pictures on Instagram this morning that were nothing more than simple shots a woman had snapped of her view from the window on the morning drive to school … and I started thinking. How lucky am I that regardless of the lifetime’s worth of darkness that has relentlessly enshrouded me that I’m still able to see extraordinary beauty in the most random places, situations, SOULS, and things that are otherwise “nothing special” that some people actually find hideous? If you know me well, you know that I literally am “God’s favorite daughter”, and yes, I thanked Him profusely afterwards for gifting me with sight that sees “mundane magic” all around me, even when I’m not looking for it.

Note that the original pictures she’d posted were much brighter and vibrant than the ones above, but I chose to edit them with a darker filter so the quotes would show up better. I’ve posted her original pics below so you can really appreciate them! Thank you SO much, Jeanie Gontier, for not just giving me permission to use them this way, but even more so for taking them in the first place. You, my dear, are my kind of people!

Dear Diary (and Subscribers):

Unfortunately, I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to blog out something “fresh and new” for my Gina Marie’s 22nd birthday, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m having a really, really, REALLY hard time these days. As a matter of fact, it’s the first time in all her prior birthdays I’ve NEVER missed a beat that I don’t have a basket to take to her grave. Honestly? I’m not even sure I’m going to her grave today. I’m not a “steel magnolia” at the moment … I’m beyond fragile … especially as I’m writing this with the “January 11th” waves all but consuming me. “This too shall pass”, I know this all too well, but as for now …