Last night, I stumbled upon the “memory” of a post I’d made on Facebook around the same time four years prior, December 8th, 2015. It was in reference to an annual visit I’d made to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers, and ironically, take a wild guess what I did yesterday afternoon? I made the annual visit to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers. This was what I’d posted:

I held an angel in my arms for 4.25 hours, who left my world as swiftly as she entered it, thus bestowing me the privilege of seeing her very first breath, and then her very last. When her heart stopped, so did mine, for what seemed like an eternity, and in that moment I just knew that all the Light from my soul had slipped with hers forever. Quite certainly I was wrong though, because I am still right here, with a shining heart filled with joy and peace that has healed where I never knew it was broken. You see, I am a woman who was blessed in the presence of two dearly departed at the moment their mortal shackles were released, not the least of which was my precious daughter as my hands gave her right back to Heaven. It took a minute, plus twenty twisted years, but I’ve since found the words “all is well” to be so much more than endearing. For both of them survive with me in every shadow before and behind, and I feel their presences fervently locked in the deepest chasms of my mind. I never got to hear her voice, yet I recognize it clearly, and his are the chords that fill my heart with memories, joy, and laughter. Perhaps the greatest of my bittersweet Earthly triumphs was that moment I realized I was speaking of, writing about, and taking flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear, reveling in the truth that in their crossing my God had not forsaken me, but had all the while been sowing the seeds of my truly blind faith, and granting my greatest freedom. While of course I don’t delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, no longer do I fear Him. He’s but an Enigma who in one strange paradox both enlightens and ceases my need to comprehend. For in all my years living broken and whole at once, I’ve learned to grieve with hope, and all is truly well.

Meanwhile, here I am, having danced with Death yet again at what seems a lifetime later. Do you know what has changed in my relationship with either God or Death since my husband’s sudden departure?

NOT A SINGLE THING!

As I was driving to the cemetery yesterday, I was concerned as to how I would handle it, especially in that not a year has passed since Zack came into my life that I’ve gone there on my own. He stood beside me through everything, and never could I have imagined standing at her grave alone. Yet, as I walked towards her resting place, the most beautiful breeze washed over me. I swear to God I felt so at peace! No tears. No trauma. No aching in my heart or knot in my stomach. Just solace. I knelt down, put the flowers in her vase, took the deepest breath I could, and slowly released it back into an atmosphere that I’m certain they were present in – my first born daughter, “my blaze of glory“, and now, the one true love of my life!

Their deaths have neither broken, nor stolen from or vanquished me, and everything they were is still every wonderous thing I am. They’ve but “slipped away into the next room” with others I’ve lost along the way, and they’ll all be waiting for me when I get There. They continue to survive with me in every shadow before and behind with their presences forever locked inside what are now the even deeper chasms of my mind. The precious ensemble of their voices perpetually fills my heart with memories, joy, and laughter.

As I write this, I still marvel at my triumph. Yes, I am able to speak of them, write about them, and take flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear. Yes, I do continue to revel in the truth that in their crossing my God has not forsaken me. He only continues sowing the seeds of my even stronger blind faith, making me the truly freest woman I’ve ever known. While I still do not delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, never will I fear Him … the Enigma who in one strange paradox continues to enlighten me while ceasing my need to comprehend. It’s been a long fifty years living broken and whole at once, but I continue to grieve with hope, with my eyes upon The Cross, and all remains truly well.

THE ANSWER

The lightning flashed as angels rode fiery chargers through the clouds. That answer scared me into tears and all the grownups laughed out loud. Now the years roll on, tired voices have all gone. Now they ride their thunder through the heavens. There’s a world in every drop of rain. Embracing oceans sweep us home again. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. They say for every living thing there’s a guide up in the sky that helps you pass from world to world, so you never really die. Then with scythe and cloak Death comes waltzing to your side. As the visions pass you ask if there was meaning to your life. As you strain to hear the answer, spirits sing and devils fiddle as he bends to whisper in your ear, he leaves you one more riddle. Oh, the answer lies beyond the pain. All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, and you shall find another life. And now my life is like a storm growing stronger every day. Like the unrelenting wind that comes to blow our lives away. So, I live each day like I know it’s my last. If there is no future, there must be no past. Now I know the answers never meant a thing and with each instant that I breathe I feel the joy that life can bring. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. {Richie Sambora}