NOVEMBER 26, 2021: “The Zephyr In Their Sky!” …

Although I have had the awful displeasure of watching a short handful of the human souls I’ve been the most connected dying right before my eyes, not the least of which was my daughter, perhaps the saddest and most painful moment of my life was the day my two surviving children had to watch their own mother having an actual nervous breakdown and being hauled off to a psych ward over a thousand miles from home:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

{“Speaking Of Faith And Crowns“}

Even now, as resilient as I’ve truly become, when I flash back to “the day on the driveway” and remember everything they had to see, it breaks my heart all over again knowing how their hearts got broken going through that kind of trauma. No child should ever have to witness such a thing!

All that being said, and regardless of how horrifying so many of the moments in all our lives have been, I wouldn’t change a single step of this dance we’ve been sashaying through together. Through it all, I can only hope that they’ll have learned that the pain has been a gift, death is nothing at all, and that win, lose, or draw, they’re gonna be okay BECAUSE THEY GOT ME FOR A MOTHER!

I’m an epic masterpiece of magnanimous proportion, and after I’ve made it to The Brighter Side Of Grey, both they and their kids are gonna look back at this painting I’ve been faithfully working on and say,

DAMN! She was OUR mother!” She was nothing short of magic, because despite her many circumstances, she rose up like a phoenix to spread her light, her love, her truths, and her warmth from the fire that burned in her soul.

Then, I’ll be that beautiful warm breeze that lands softly on on their shoulders and whispers hope into their ears, and every ray of light that sparkles in their eyes as they bask in the legacy I’m leaving behind. I’ll be their “Crazy Grandma Cat” whose higher purpose was to come here and change everything for our bloodline.

Oh, don’t you worry my friends, despite the seemingly macabre tone of this entry, I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Although it is true that I’m fully prepared for what I know is coming next, I’m in love with my existence in this space and still have so much to do and see. I’m just thinking wide out loud right now, because this song I’ve loved since I was not quite 30 years old found it’s way to the cue on my stereo this morning. Back then, it was just a song to me with a upbeat mood and vibrant tone, and never in a million years would I have thunk that I’d be the ray of light in those words, but here I am lighting it all up from my very own little piece of Heaven from here until eternity. I am SUCH a lucky woman, and I cannot say it enough. I am power, and grace, and a divinely appointed apostrophe punctuating peoples’ lives with my glow. I will never be ashamed of all the pain that I have carried – it’s what forged me into the steel fortress that I am.

RAY OF LIGHT

Zephyr in the sky at night – I wonder – do my tears of mourning sink beneath the Sun? She’s got herself a universe gone quickly. For the call of thunder threatens everyone. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Faster than the speed of light – she’s flying – trying to remember where it all began. She’s got herself a little piece of Heaven, waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light – then gone – for Someone else will be there. {Madonna}