JANUARY 1, 2023: “Carry Me Down” …

It’s New Years Day again, and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead for me to take another trip around the The Sun, God willing. Meanwhile, ten days from now will commemorate my Gina Marie’s 19th birthday. You see, in case you didn’t know yet because you’re new around this Diary, I am a mother whose womb has known both life and death.

Believe it or not, though, this most tragic of truths is one of my highest honors and privileges. Why is that? Because you can’t have one without the other – life and death, that is – and losing the daughter I literally prayed for on my knees was one of the most bittersweet catalysts to everything I now understand about the brevity of existence:

Happy 19th birthday, my tiny Gina Marie. I, too, realize just how lucky I am to have been there when you drifted into my life, and then again when you drifted out. We may have only crossed paths here for that handful of fleeting hours, but I was honored to be the one to have both carried you here AND sent you right back Home. It truly WAS the most precious moment of my life.
{“The Steel Magnolia, The Butterfly & The Stars“}

I believe that I was specifically chosen to bear the burden of this twisted sorority I’m in so that I could become a living example of crazy blind faith in a God and His choices that are otherwise unnatural and unfathomable.

As most grieving parents would likely agree, outliving our children and having to survive “here” with the parts of our hearts and souls they took with them isn’t for the faint of heart, and something I would never wish upon another parent. Pray GOD that I don’t ever have to bury another child, because they are my only Achilles’ tendon.

With that, I am reminded of one of those Quora questions that I love to hate so much, and WOW did it end up being the most perfectly timed pairing for my thoughts:

If, indeed, I knew I only had 10 minutes until I died, the FIRST thing I’d do is reach out to my surviving kids and let them know that:

Although I certainly won’t be excited at the news of my death, I am, as they well know, ready for what comes next and have been for quite some time now. I know without a doubt what lies beyond “those stained glass doors”, and I’m not afraid.

Though my body will be gone, I’ll be the zephyr in their skies that brushes their cheeks and whispers in their ears, and will always be watching them from the distance through my super nova telescope.

Because I’m only human, I know I’ve made way more than my fair share of mistakes as a mom, but did my best to account for, apologize, and validate the many wounds I inflicted upon their souls, rectify the wrongs I could, and become the very best version of myself possible – for them.

They were the literal beats of my heart, every breathe I took, the two greatest treasures of my life, and in the forefront of my mind during every battle I fought, war I survived, and generational cycle I broke so that they could carry on building healthier branches on our tree.

When it’s finally time for them to read this Diary and watch my crazy videos, they know that every one of the thoughts, words, and “secrets” I couldn’t keep anymore were my absolute truth, but more so than that, my virtual love letter and legacy to both them and my future grandchildren. Then I’d beg them one last time to please only take the very best parts of me into their lives going forward and just leave out all the rest.

Sure, it may be sad at first, but my death will be nothing at all, and I want them to smile when it’s time to bid me adieu knowing that despite the many circumstances that seemed contrary, I had the BEST life ever, was one of the happiest queens alive, and they made me so fucking proud just as they were, nothing more, nothing less, simply because they were mine!

I’ll be waiting for them with their sister, stepdad, and the rest of “us” who have passed on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

Yes, I know that’s a lot of information to relay in “less than ten minutes”, which is why I already have some things prepared for the time of my crossing over when it’s time for them to carry me down the aisle.

All that being said, the SECOND thing I would do is just close my eyes, make the sign of The Cross, and tell Jesus that His absolute favorite daughter and most divine apostrophe of all is on her way Home and that I literally CANNOT wait to meet Him in person.

Meanwhile, here I am crying my damn eyes out after having written this all out loud. No, I’m not “afraid” of dying, but I know that when it’s time for me to leave here my kids will be traumatized, and the thought of them amidst another heartbreak breaks me down to pieces. Their pain is my pain. Their tears and my tears. My kids have both already suffered tremendously on this Earth, but if I’ve done my job well and have planted enough faith seeds for them, “Crazy Momma Cat’s” kids are gonna be alright. Okay, so, I guess I’m good now

All that being said, and in honor of not only this brand new year filled with all the most beautiful possibilities, but also both the last ten minutes I’ve survived as I’ve been writing this and the next ten minutes that I’ll hopefully survive as well, I challenge every one of you to MAKE THE NEXT 365 DAYS COUNT!

Oh, and one last thing for the record, this song is beyond special to me. Zachariah used to sing it to me all the time, as it was one of his favorite songs of all. It was, therefore, the very last song he heard me play for him as I carried him down that proverbial aisle.

CARRY ME DOWN

And if you see me losing ground, don’t be afraid to lie. I know the pain inside my heart can’t break the fear inside of yours. And if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out. Will you carry me down the aisle that final day? With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight. When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray, let the rain fall down and wash away your pain. For every word we never spoke, we have a tear to cry. For every silence like a wall between a better you and I. So if you see me losing sight of all the death in life, you’ll find the peace in every time I failed to see the death in mine. Let all the fear inside you drown. Tear out the blade and lay it down. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out. Will you carry me down the aisle that final day? With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight? When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray, let the rain fall down and wash away your pain. Oh, the blood is rushing out. Oh, I’m better off without. Oh, the walls are closing in. Oh, sing for me again. {Demon Hunter}

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