It was a super early morning for us as we awoke to a 4:30am alarm for a 5:00am departure to her 5:30am practice. While Gia was getting ready, I popped on to Instagram only to find the picture above which quite literally hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, just before waking I’d been enjoying a blissfully enchanted slumber, during which my husband had conveyed an extremely powerful message to me in the MOST surreal of ways.
It was him, I just know it! I could smell his skin, sense his touch, and feel his breathe on my face. While I won’t go into detail, because believe it or not there are many things I’ll keep safely inside the most private places of my heart, in this fantasy he had been shadowing me as I moved from one house to another.
He was there, but he wasn’t, I could see him, but I couldn’t, yet at every turn I’d made throughout the day his presence was lingering behind me in a haunting but not frightening way. At the end of it all, what had ’til then only been an eclipse of his presence turned into his physical body. There we both stood tightly embraced with our hands locked together when I asked this most profound question:
I know where you are … I believe it in my heart … but I just NEED to hear you say it. Am I right? Are you There now? WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY?
I didn’t hear his voice, as he never spoke a word, but indeed he communicated in the silent and sacred “1-2-3 hand squeeze” language we had shared during our season together. His answer to my question was emphatic: “One squeeze for yes”, not “two squeezes for no”, right on cue to my prompt.
As this first year without him has all but flown by, I’ve made absolute peace with his suicide. The heartbreaking pain of his many tragic truths was so far beyond sobering that it still reduces me to tears when I sit with it.
I’ve said it before and will say it again: Unless or until you’ve born the cross of seeing a human being “dying out loud” in the egregious way that he did, you couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of relief I felt upon the release of his mortal shackles. He had held on for dear life as long as he possibly could until the day he died, but when the end of his darkness finally settled in, Fate stepped in with the final blow.
Still, let’s go back to how this morning with Gia even started. We’d backed out of the garage to find ourselves greeted by a bright orange moon on fire and ethereal setting in the field that meets the end of our driveway. We were in such connected tangent it was alarming but comforting at once! The intrinsic conversation that soon availed tapped directly into our understandings of “all of this”, yet far beyond our simply dimensioned minds have yet to fathom. “She knows” what “I know”, and “I know” what “she knows”, which is ALL either of us needs to know about anything at this point! It’s just – so – POWERFUL!
Keep in mind, too, that the first song that cued up when the engine started today was “Remember Everything“. That had to mean something, I just knew it! Exactly what, I wasn’t sure, but sufficed to say that neither of us can listen to that song now without being ever so painfully reminded of everything we remember about not just our own lives, but Zack’s and Christian’s as well. But here’s where it gets even more interesting …
After I’d dropped her off and was heading back home, “that other song” I love to hate so much found it’s way to my speakers …
The Tragic Truth.
Wait! What had just happened? IT DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY THIS TIME! Instead, I just smiled as I rolled on down the road with my gaze fixed hard into the sky from which I heard his voice serenading me with those tragically truthful words:
It’s the demons I’ve created for myself … the Tragic Truth … it’s hard for me to understand myself, so it has to be hard as hell for you.
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth.
The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! I just know it. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. NO MORE VOICES SCREAMING IN HIS HEAD!
I‘ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … my “circadian life” is so much bigger than I will ever fully know, and my adventure still isn’t over! All it took was this one cryptic message from The Cosmos to remind me, yet again, that I’m such an incredibly blessed woman. In case I’ve never said this, let me say it now: I wholeheartedly believe that I’m God’s favorite daughter, even despite the many circumstances in my life that seem to prove otherwise. For this, I am eternally grateful.