APRIL 9, 2021: “Farewell My Prince” …

“The Duke Of Edinburgh”
(June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)

Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.

Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, and the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s.

Was he a “perfect prince”? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST IS PERFECT? But someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”, and my answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a divergent spectrum, right? But once again I’ve digressed …

Many people judge, criticize, and assault the monarchy and it’s autocratic rule, but I most certainly do not. They are mortal human beings, just like all of us, each with their own “story” and unknown personal struggles. Prince Phillip lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would ever ask for.

Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.

Your legacy will live on in infamy. Today, as always, I celebrate you in my heart for a life well-lived, so many jobs well done, and all the ways your your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve FINALLY made it to The Moon and that one day I will finally get to sit and chat with you on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

APRIL 8, 2021: “How Do Ya Like Me NOW?” …

A friend posted this yesterday and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! However, upon further consideration and conclusion, this is where I landed …

Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED theM in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which – PS – is usually either blatantly or cryptically ABOUT them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very personal, private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.

It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be “alone but not lonely” here in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.

Damn, I’m such a biotch!

Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!

That being said, I want you to know something really REAL about me right now. Each night when I pray, I pray for every person I either know or don’t know (and never will) who hasn’t yet found their crown.

Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!

Yes, it’s true – I say these words to Him night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:

I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}

MARCH 31, 2021: “Broken” …

In case you need to hear this right now …

It’s okay to let yourself feel the cuts, bruises, and painful jagged edges from being “broken”. Let them be your greatest GIFT! More so than that, don’t EVER let anyone (including yourself) make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or “feel bad” because someone may be feeling “worse”!

Trauma comparison” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s pain and suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only highly assumptive, but one of THE cruelest self-tortures of all! IT BELITTLES YOU! IT INVALIDATES YOU! IT SAYS “YOU” ARE NOT WORTHY OF COMPASSION!

Believing that someone else’s trauma is bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both people, because while you are wondering how they survived theirs, they may be wondering how you survived yours! It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that “what you’ve gone through” isn’t as bad as what someone else has can gravely hinder or negate the external help and support you need, thus keepping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive. Trust me – THIS I KNOW! Have you read anything I’ve written? Do you know the story of my king? For years we both suffered in our respective former lives. Me? I spent a lifetime being chastised and told that I should just get over myself because nothing was ever really so bad …

You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have! Beautiful children. A beautiful husband. A beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU’RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL. Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and just start being more grateful?

… and HIM? OMG! Don’t EVEN get me started! No one gave a FUCK about “his feelings” of abandonment and being thrown away by his mother! Literally – NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN! Through it all, he’d somehow managed to convince himself there was nothing wrong with his childhood, and didja see how all that ended?

Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to convalesce your wounds, but don’t wallow in them too long. “How long is too long?” We move about our cabins in our own unique and personal way, because each person’s “reality” is based upon their individual point of view, the different life experiences they’ve had, the values instilled in them from a very young age, and how they may be feeling at any particular time. EVERYONE FEELS THINGS DIFFERENTLY!

But know this …

Once you’re done grieving the “you” who you were before “what ever it was” happened to you, you have to move on and overcome! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON AND OVERCOME! I saw an amazing quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:

Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.

No. Truer. TRUTH!

One day you’ll wake up and find yourself standing in front of a mirror with the Light that’s pouring through all those cracks shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my greatest and truest wish that you will fall to your knees and thank GOD for having ever been broken, no matter how little or how much!

Keep the faith my friends. “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” Though I may not personally “know” all of you, I do so love EVERY one of you! You, are, MY PEOPLE! MY broken “PHOENIX” people. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s only the “broken people” I truly understand. Together our shards are manifesting the MOST magnificent mosaic this cosmos will have known!

WHAT IF?

What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared and confused, because those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Well, I’M TELLING YOU! Not only do I speak to you in “broken”, I speak to you from a place of LOVE! It just so happens that I personally know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks in my soul with “Light” every single day! When I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it just to me …

BROKEN

Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real. Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really real? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes I know. Yes I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}

MARCH 30, 2021: “Because Hope Is A Good Thing” …

The Shawshank Redemption was Zack’s favorite movie of all times. To him, it screamed “hope” in every circumstance, and despite the obviously tragic ending, trust me when I tell you that he tried not to literally lose his mind and fall apart the way he did. Ironically, we watched it together for probably the twentieth time the weekend before he died and he cried the whole way through it. Looking back, I know in my heart that as he was watching it for the very last time he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer and all that all the “hope” he tried so hard to find in doing so was fast coming to a screeching halt. We’d talked incessantly about what he was feeling in his heart and mind, and towards the end he just kept saying it felt like he was trapped inside a prison. Five nights later, he was gone.

In here is where it makes the most sense … you need it so you don’t forget … that there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone … that there’s something inside that they can’t get to … they can’t touch … it’s yours … hope.”

Having done a little investigating, I was able to have a conversation with one of the first responders at the scene the morning of August 23rd, and he was kind enough to answer some of questions I needed answers to. He said that when they found him, the car was still running, and there was opera music playing inside so loud that they could hear it through the windows. I JUST KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS LISTENING TO AT THE END WAS HIS FAVORITE MUSICIAL MASTERPIECE OF ALL – Mozart’s “The Marriage Of Figaro” – the one from his favorite scene in the movie …

Here’s the thing …

There are so many questions I will never have answers to, and even more things I will never understand. Only God and Zack know what was going through his mind in those dark hours. Even if it’s true that I will see him again in another place and time, and even if I do get to meet God one day. there is still no assurance that ponderings such as these will be part of the beautiful conversations to be had, much less will I even know that I pondered them at all. In “the opera scene”, Red said …

I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.

Likewise, I have no idea what Zack was really thinking about or “listening to” in the very last seconds of his life, but I’d like to think …

He was thinking about something so beautiful it just couldn’t be expressed in words, despite how his heart was aching, and it was the Light at the end of the very dark tunnel that had been his life on Earth that WAS the last bit of “hope” he was clinging to.

As par for our course, there are some things He will reveal to me only if and when I am ready to hear them, and so many other things that aren’t meant for me to understand at all. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! I have the truly blind faith in my mind’s eye to help me in the meantime while I’m crossing over and that is all the “hope” I’ll ever need. Indeed it’s a VERY good thing!

MARCH 27, 2021: “Starving A Narcissist” …

… but even THEN it sometimes takes a hot minute to send them packing for their next kill!

In November of 1996, I “got to learn” the very hard way what really lied beneath the surface of the most narcissistic, evil men I’ve ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with …

… and his name was John.

Note that as I wrote “men”, I literally and not metaphorically laughed my fucking ass off! I’ve since been enlightened as to the true measure of a “man”, and “man” gives him way more credit than what his very SMALL affect truly is (and I do mean SMALL in every way). He’s a hoovering narcissist. Nothing more and nothing less.

Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image. Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again. Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.

{Alethia Luna ~ “8 Signs You’re The Victim Of An Abusive Hoovering Narcissist“}

As par for the course the past 20 years, John never fully left my atmosphere since our near fateful departure. Not long after he and Angie leveled me to the point of almost no return, he showed up at my home to deliver a stack of Christmas presents and a little somethin’ else. Keep in mind that he was already engaged to Angie at the time, and although NOTHING happened between “us”, something indeed happened between “him and himself” right there on my bed! It was the most twisted things I’d ever witnessed in my life, which is saying a lot. After having admittedly driven my own self crazy and spending time in a couple of “facilities”, trust me when I tell you – I’VE WITNESSED SOME TWISTED SHIT!

At first he tried gaslighting it back to my insanity, but some but some friends set my phone up with a recording device to lure the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation, WHICH – HE DID, and then I proceeded to take said recording to Angie’s family and play it for them out loud! Yup! That happened. That really fucking happened! Sounds far fetched, I know, but let me assure you that the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissit” at his very best game EVER are all still alive to tell about it!

Meanwhile, some years later, in the irony of all ironies, despite the fact that he had always chastised the “pompous, showy affluence” in the small town I lived in, take a wild guess which “pompous, showy, affluent town” Jay and his now ex-wife chose to build their home in? Ding, ding, ding, ding ding! OUR TOWN! In fact, they built said home in the subdivision that abutted the one where my parents still live and was across the street from where I an my ex-husband used to live. So, imagine my surprise years later when I walked a then baby Gia to the park across the street from my home, only to find John’s wife and daughter playing there as well! I’m not gonna lie, I have long since wondered whether there was really any “irony” with that at all. But I’ve digressed.

Very long and sordid tale short, they eventually began working out at the Lifetime Fitness Center that was our “gym home” (and is still mine), and we would see them there often. At a certain point, in being polite, formal introductions were made, and my husband (who’s physical presence over-powered him by at least a half a foot and a hundred pounds) had even shaken his hand once. But trust me when I tell you, Zack knew ALL about “John and Angie”, and every time he saw me politely engaging John’s cordial conversations, he literally wanted to slit his throat. Both Zack and Gia had always said he looked like an actual snake (and now that I think of it, he really kinda does), and whenever Gia sees him she shudders with physical chills. AND GET THIS: Despite the fact that Angie and John had parted ways, such that he had married the blonde girl I ran into at the park, she too became a member at that gym. So, I saw them both there all the fucking time. But in my mind, bygones were now bygones, sooo …

In his defense, I must admit that I brought his last round of bullshit on myself. Not because I’m weak – BECAUSE I’M FORGIVING! He’d reached out to me not too long after Zack died, and I’d even agreed to meet him for dinner because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he’d somehow changed. Said dinner didn’t end well, and perhaps someday I’ll tell you why. As for now, I’ll reveal how this drama finally played out by showing you! If you pay close attention to the dates and times, you will clearly see it! Texting. Double-texting. “Feigned concern”. PATHETIC!

MARCH 27, 2020

APRIL 5, 2020

APRIL 6, 2020

APRIL 12, 2020

APRIL 29, 2020

APRIL 30, 2020

MAY 10, 2020

MAY 24, 2020

JUNE 13, 2020

AUGUST 13 & 14, 2020

THE END!

Well, kind of! On Tuesday, February 16th, he texted me again. Then again. Then again.

To which my final response is this: I am unaffected, unimpressed, and laughing my ass off yet again. This fucking douche just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words:

STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST BOY! STARVE!

MARCH 25, 2021: “86,400” …

PROJECT “FAMILY DINNER”?

SUCCESS!

This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.

TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO IS AT ODDS WITH YOURSELF OR “YOUR PEOPLE”:

It’s never to late to start again! Indeed it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.

“Hurt people” HURT people.

“Healed healed” HEAL people.

While no one REALLY knows what the end game here really is, I’m pretty dam sure that FORGIVENESS is the answer to the greatest cosmic mystery of all — “WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE?” You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for ANY of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you it’s EVERYTHING! Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well, and spend those seconds wisely, so that if you have to leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES”!

MARCH 22, 2021: “Life Up On Top Of The Bridge” …

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS …

You … are going … to be … OKAY! As long as there is still breathe in your lungs and you wake up again tomorrow morning, THERE’S STILL A CHANCE FOR YOU TO FIND THE LIGHT! The Moon does always fall. The Sun does always rise. I promise, promise, promise. All of which NOW reminds me of some THE MOST beautiful words I never knew I needed to hear until I heard them from a Swedish Flyboy on an American plane coming back from France

Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.

{Walt Whitman}

Chin up.

Knuckles out.

Keep the faith.

LIFE MUST GO ON

Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. They only remind you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way. But hope is not gone, ’cause The Sun always sets, The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal and joy seemed to last. Yesterday. Forever is gone. We have our misfortunes – the darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning … the promise awaits … and know that this life must go on. And the Sun always sets. The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. {Alter Bridge}

MARCH 17, 2021: “The Hidden Message” …

… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.

I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? And THEN I couldn’t sleep. I got up and started wrote “Desperado“. THEN it hit THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton of the most

What if everything we think we’ve always known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me at The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s complete understanding of what was really going on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that, yes, “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the onlybig picture” we were ever meant to understand.

… and, with that, I am STILL the LUCKIEST Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your “messages” are coming through louder and clearer every step of the way.

MARCH 15, 2021: “I’m Free” …

Thank you so much to anyone who ever takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or reads this Diary. I know that I am a little “too much” of everything, and my open, raw, transparent vulnerability is NOT for the faint of heart. So be it, and I totally understand. There’s an ass for every seat, so if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good. In the meantime, I really AM trying so hard to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a “final destination”. Knowing there is an “end” in sight would make my journey static, boring, and “why bother”, if that makes sense. I’m thinking my journey IS “the destination”, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a “period”, ONLY ever a “semi-colon”, because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles that I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.

This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a LONG time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” platform, yet not forgiving the “HURT people” who have hurt ME. This morning I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is a fair enough chance that he will neither read my words OR accept them. But, I said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.

Dad, if you ever see this …

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Cathy

FREE

The sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

MARCH 13, 2021: “Desperado” …

Dear Dad: I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the text bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow”.

I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.

Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him out of the gauntlet so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray. I pray every day that he makes it out “the web”. I pray every day that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.

That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough for you, and he can’t keep up with all the “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!

I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing left of this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP! Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.

For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.

Thirty-three years ago I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”

So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, than surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.

Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!

The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over.

DESPERADO

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can
hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won’t snow and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the night time from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late.
{The Eagles}

MARCH 12, 2021: “Still Undefeated!” …

… that moment you see certain words strung together that instantly send your heart, mind and soul back through a lifetime of beautiful memories that became your reason for surviving UNDEFEATED! If you’ve read my story or know a SINGLE thing about me, you know that I should probably not be able to breathe anymore.

Yes, I’ve buried a child.

Yes, I’ve buried a husband.

Yes, I’ve watched three of the people I loved most in this world dying LITERALLY in front of my eyes. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I truly am THE luckiest queen on the face of this planet, despite all the heartache and sorrow that should have buried me by now. Win, lose or draw, NOTHING can take these memories from me, NOTHING can take take my crown, and NOTHING can steal my blind faith in God, OR my joy, OR my Light, because death really IS nothing at all.

MARCH 10, 2021: “My Grey-Aversary” …

On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest expressways in Dallas so that I could literally cry my fucking eyes out. It was as if Zack were singing these most beautifully haunting words himself to me, my daughter, and my son in a message straight from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we KNOW he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song yet, I cannot urge you enough to do so, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the “legacy” you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.

Today I will celebrate!

Today I will be thankful!

Today I will stay “grey”, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song. and I intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my insanely beautiful life.

COVID literally crashed our 5FDP concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter he wrote before he left. She knows the song exists, but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it to her live. THAT will be the night she gets the words he wrote “in case he was gone tomorrow”. Make it a powerful day, and PLEASE listen to this song. It may just change the trajectory of your legacy and how you look at “grey”.

MARCH 8, 2021: “The Fortress Behind These Walls” …

A dear friend of mine posted this today on his social media and it really hit me hard:

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice. From the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real. Leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE! You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “when they drop the ball … because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY, right?” You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK! So, you don’t trust ANYONE. And you don’t trust YOURSELF either. ESPECIALLY to choose people. To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲! The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

{Talon Harris with credit to “Inspired Jamila”}

Yes, I am a queen. Yes, I am healed, risen and SOARING after an entire lifetime of “walls”. Yes, I am thankful for EVERY thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to “ascend from” had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize OR receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me.

But HERE’S why his post upset me ….

“The fortress” in this post? He was my husband! He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their beautiful children right in front of my eyes!

SELFISH, TOXIC, ABUSIVE PARENTS:

Wake the fuck up and get your shit together! GET YOUR KIDS OUT OF TOXIC ENVIRONMENTS! PROTECT THEM! CHERISH THEM! VALIDATE THEM! HEAR THEM! CONSIDER THEM FIRST IN EVERY SINGLE CHOICE YOU MAKE FOR “YOU”! Worse yet, stop letting the people who hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate that cycle of “victimized brokenness” by handing it down to your innocently jaded children!

In the meantime, I’ll just keep PRAYING that someday I don’t “get that call” that a child I once knew swallowed a bullet because their SELFISH parents “deserved the life they deserved” and I have to show up at their funeral. But mostly, I’ll be praying that somehow they’ll rise above their “life behind fortress walls” and be able to stand in front of a mirror one day and say …

“I AM WORTHY of having support. I AM WORTHY of having true partnership. I AM WORTHY of love. I AM WORTHY of having my heart held. I AM WORTHY to be adored. I AM WORTHY to be cherished. I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise. I don’t have to earn it! I don’t have to prove it! I don’t have to bargain for it! I don’t have to beg for it! I AM WORTHY!”

MARCH 7, 2021: “Seventeen Butterflies” …

Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.

Their wreaths show up right after Thanksgiving and stay for the entirety of the month, and thereon into January. Gina Marie gets flowers and baskets many times throughout the year, but January 11th was her “one and only day”, as her duties called her elsewhere, and she left just as swiftly as she came, so of course it is never forgotten! After we split for the last time, her dad made his birthday visit apart from mine, and unbeknownst to me, took that year’s wreath home with him. One day when I was picking up Gia, I noticed it in his garage and asked him why it was there. “Umm, I don’t really know. I just took it for some reason. I didn’t want them just throwing it away.” With that, I asked him if I could have it so that I could perhaps use the beautiful red ribbon and the tiny, “feather butterflies” in her upcoming spring basket, which I did, and there began our family tradition of repurposing her Christmas wreath.

But then … THIS year! As par for the course now, after her birthday, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to do my thing. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened …

Hey, guess what I’m doing … I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.

Oh, good. There’s seventeen, right?

Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?

Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.

My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet another hidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.

MARCH 5, 2021: “The Tortilla That Made Me Cry” …

INDEED IT’S TRUE …

… a tortilla really DID make me cry this morning, but alas – Batman TOTALLY saved the day!

Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican Mama turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Some day if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …

You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”

Wait! What?

Much love to all of you! Goodnight!

MARCH 2, 2021: “My Naked Number” …

What’s YOUR “Naked Number”?

Mine is two! Only two men have ever really seen me naked, King One, and King Two, and two it may be forever. That being said, I am totally on board with “alone, not lonely” for the entirety of my journey if that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Lookit! Have ya met me? I’m the happiest person know, and I’m my very best friend, and “me and me” have a SHIT TON of light to shine upon the unsuspecting masses, and we’re doing just fine on our own.

BUT HERE’S THE DEAL …

I have long believed that three is the number of perfection. Under optimal conditions, the all consuming heat from my untamed heart could literally melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, so any man worthy of getting close enough to hold my heart in his hands is gonna have to be forged from ashes himself. The shadow of his Herculean phoenix wings will need to be even bigger than mine so that as he’s flying either above or behind me, everyone will see the flames of ALL my heart’s desires burning deep inside his eyes. His wings will need to eclipse the enormity of the two who led me before him, such that not only will he be confident enough to live with their lingering presences, but even more so will he embrace and honor them in gratitude for the treasure they left for him to find. The only thing that can survive a living fire is living fire itself. The ONLY one who belongs with a queen is a king.

Time will tell if there is to be “one last king” who gets to see me naked and read the very private the pages of my book, but DAMN that’s gonna be one lucky bastard. Trust me when I tell you, I really AM “everything, nothing, and ALL of it”, and that’s what he’ll be too.

SOUL SEARCHER

I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}

MARCH 1, 2021: “Why Flowers Give Me Butterflies” …

… because, he was a king like that!

“This Week’s Flowers”!

THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room! The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are indeed BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY, that I was priceless, and valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that “HE MADE ME A QUEEN, and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life” – “the flowers” are just one of many the reasons why!

Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but but “who he was” and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies my friends … it just slips into the next room.

Now then – go and get yourself some flowers – TODAY! You are worthy too!

FEBRUARY 27, 2021: “Falling Down In The Fog” …

… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, why it is my mantra, how I earned the endearing title of “Miss Red Hook 1922“, and why FOG is my other favorite color“.

Faith And Perspective.

The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, nor looming, nor haunting. I feel the mist as a cosmic hug from every moment and Creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, and ethereal, and POWERFUL – just like The One Who charged me in the first place to solve the greatest mystery of all: “Why?” Why do we suffer? Why is there pain? Why is there heartache and death? Indeed I’ve discovered the answer to that question, and here it is my friends: THERE ISN’T ONE! Not NEEDING to understand is the understanding.

Amidst all the fog is the Nirvana I’ve achieved as I’m free-falling off this cliff with truly blind faith that everything’s gonna be okay, not having to worry about all the details, and believing with EVERY fiber of my mortal being that The Cosmos WILL catch me in the end. It’s “nothing”, and “everything”, and “ALL OF IT” at once, like the oxymoronic carnival of joy that is my INSANELY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, before your journey here is over – you will. When that day comes, you will never be falling DOWN again – you’ll only be falling UP – and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing these words to you

I wept as I saw you aching, I broke as I watched you falling, and I suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, BUT I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything, nothing, and ALL OF IT”, you’re standing at My High Cathedral walls where nothing about your journey was meaningless or small. I love you. You are Home – warm, well fed and at peace.

WE FALL DOWN

Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause e fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}

FEBRUARY 26, 2021: “You Is Good! You Is Kind!” …

… YOU IS IMPORTANT!

Hi everyone, it’s me, your friendly, neighborhood “REAL CAT” with some life hacks for ya … not the LEAST of which is

LADIES AND/OR GENTLEMEN:

Before the clock strikes that hour when your beloved is gonna walk through your door, slap some lipstick on it, brush your teeth, and give that lucky person driving home to you right now a ‘lil somethin’ to look forward to! Oh, and clean out your jewelry box! Okay, that’s it!

Much love … Cat!

{PS}

If you’ve never seen “The Help“, I cannot recommend it enough. Not only is a MAJOR lesson for those who don’t fully understand the TRUTH about American history, but Viola Davis is probably one of my favorite actors of all times. Her portrayal of “Aibileen Clark” (who I mistakenly said was “Minnie” in the video) literally changed the way I speak to myself, EVERY, single, day – AND – the way that I hope MY daughter and HER daughters will “self talk to themselves” for as long as my legacy lives on. Just thought I’d share.

… what my “talk to myself time” used to look like. That was then. This is now.

FEBRUARY 23, 2021: “Say It Loud & Clear – In The Living Years” …

I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … CHECK IN ON YOUR PEOPLE! Yes, I know – we’re ALL busy. We ALL have issues. We ALL feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it. Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if you must. Just make the damn call or send the text …

Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!

Trust me when I tell you that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love this way, and also, it’s the right and “not selfish” human thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still to busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave! “Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?” AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find and to spare for the people in your life is gone – YA CAN’T HAVE IT BACK!

Here’s the good news:

If you’re a natural born “taker”, and not so much a “giver” – I get that too and can even somewhat appreciate it! There really is a place for each side of that “taker/giver coin”, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would any of us know what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core TRUTH!

… but here’s another “hard core TRUTH” …

One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying, “WAIT! Where are my people? WHO ARE MY PEOPLE?This is usually right around the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else (even when your OWN “crisis cards” were down) and going, “WOW! Really?” Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into true perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.

And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone that you are theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day I’m killing off “living people” left and right. “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m still the nicest BITCH ever!”

IN THE LIVING YEARS

Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}

FEBRUARY 21, 2021: “The Miracles Of My Moments” …

I’m the luckiest mom alive!

This was my past weekend, and I spent a fair enough amount of it going back and forth to “the chair” in my room to have a good bawl and thank GOD on my hands and knees as I was continually blindsided by the rhapsody that is still my life.

Time is fleeting!

Every second that I’m lucky enough to be “cool enough” for them to let their guards down around is precious! They’ll be 18 and off to college or living their lives before I know it. So? I savor EVERY silly moment with them – and – let them be KIDS as often as they want to! Hey, there are much worse problems to have then a car filled with noisy 15yo’s who not only ENJOY being with “mom”, but who still find joy in throwing snowballs. Am I wrong?

My joy this weekend wasn’t just about this snowball fight. It was one miracle moment after another. It was how they busted into my room to hang out in my closet, trying on my handbags, playing in my jewelry box, and literally “walking in my shoes”! It was hearing Gia stake claim to all Zack’s belongings as “hers and ONLY hers”, and even more so how she beamed with pride as she explained what he went through to not only get all those things, but to give the two of us everything our hearts desired after his own dismal childhood of having nothing at all.

It was about them sitting on my bathroom floor and including me in their “chick chat” for over an hour. Yes, I’m THAT mom who’s “in the know” and gets to be included in the sacred sanctum of their otherwise elusive teenage lives. Do you know how what a miracle it is to claim that highest honor? They hug me, and they talk to me, and they aren’t afraid to be their true selves in my presence without the fear of judgment.

Live ~ Love ~ Laugh

I am blessed by all of them … even the ones I didn’t give birth to. All my girls, and all those boys I was lucky enough to have camped out with me weekend after weekend when Christian was growing up. They’re the miracles of so many of my moments!

MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT

It’s time for letting go all of our “if only’s”, ’cause we don’t have a time machine. And even if we did, would we really want to use it? Would we really want to go change everything? ‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. So breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. It’s right there in front of you. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. There’s only One who knows what’s really out there waiting in all the moments yet to be. And all we need to know is He’s out there waiting. To Him, the future’s history, and He has given us a treasure called right now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. And if it brings you tears, then taste them as they fall and let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, then throw your head back and let it go … yeah – you gotta let it go – and listen to your heartbeat. Yeah, breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 19, 2021: “I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Hero” …

… ’cause, ummm…

… I KINDA ALREADY HAVE ONE!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. But I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it againIT’S NOT ME …

… IT’S THEM!

… at my left wing is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit … at my right wing is the gang of REAL angels that fly behind me EVERYWHERE! Yes, I am sure that so many people think that I’m off my rocker CRAZY for believing what I believe, but here’s the deal — I DON’T CARE! I know what I knowI think what I think … I feel what I feel! THE FACT THAT I’M STILL STANDING IN THIS KINGDOM LIKE THE “SUPERHUMAN QUEEN” I TRULY AM IS LIVING PROOF!

I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.

HERO

I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}

FEBRUARY 15, 2021: “Power, Grace, And Beauty Rising” …

WHO AM I?

I am me. My very best friend, and the one person in my life I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.

I’m the Queen Of The World who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet I’m the most wretched in all the land. Love me or hate me, I DON’T CARE, ’cause at least I know it’s true! I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lion, yet I’m humbled by the power of my insignificance. I am big – I am smalljust a pebble skipped across the ocean. I am valueless and valued all the same!

I am NOTHING.

I am EVERYTHING.

I’m an oxymoron.

I am power, grace, and beauty rising.

So are you.

BEAUTY WILL RISE

It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 12, 2021: “Do You Need Help?” …

HELP!

I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}

FEBRUARY 11, 2021: “Right NOW!” …

… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve heard in a long time! Had to memorialize it in “a little bitta black, a little bitta white, and a LOTTA bitta grey”.

RIGHT NOW

Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}

FEBRUARY 10, 2021: “Hear Me NOW!” …

This afternoon, this exceptionally beautiful man I follow posted something so powerful, poignant, and relevant to yet another absolutely insane, if not mind-numbing trauma that “what’s what’s left of my little family” went through late last night and into the wee hours of the morning. His name is Tommy Vext, and yes he’s a musician, but note that it’s not how I first referenced him. I said, “beautiful man”, not “beautiful musician”, because if I’ve learned anything about myself in the last 540 days, as well as the last 52 years overall, it’s that I couldn’t give TWO SHITS about someone’s fame, fortune, or status. No offense to anyone “famous, fortunate, or STATELY”, but that’s just not how I roll. I’m all about the grey as far as the footprint we leave behind, and ZERO do “fame and fortune” have to do with a legacy of love.

This is what he posted …

… then he dropped this except from a writer who I never even knew existed until today:

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance. We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings—sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it. What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called “us” —with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history—is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings. To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstance exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

{Melody Beattie ~ “Acceptance“}

HIS RESPONSE:

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, my circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.

{Tommy Vext @Instagram}

… at which point all I could say was:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

What’s with this Cosmos always serving me these breakthroughs when I’m either driving, or sitting in a parking lot, or simply staring into the fog? It’s one of the most fucked up and AWESOME enigmas of my life! I’m not gonna lie … after the trauma that was visited upon us all last night at hands of someone who claims to “love us” … TODAY WE ARE SHAKEN TO THE CORE! Worse yet, it was my poor fucking son who’s trying SO hard to rise up and “love himself” out of that familiarly gifted Venom suit who bore the brunt of it ALL! Sooner or later, you know I’ll dig in to that, but in the meantime: I NEEDED THESE WORDS TODAY! Yes, God, PLEASE help me not to veer off the path of acceptance regardless of how painful the circumstances.

Can I just say this? Leave it to Destiny to show up right on time as is always par for my course. With that, I once again say I AM THE MOST blessed woman alive in this extraordinary lifetime I was lucky enough to be chosen to live! As for this song? While on the surface it appears to be a love song, tonight I sing it out loud, as if God was actually singing it to me Himself, because I deserve to hear EVERY word of this song from the one Father who’s never let me down. If you’re reading this right now, it is my true prayer that you too remember to love and accept yourself and your circumstances without condition always!

HEAR ME NOW

I’m at the bottom, can you come let me up? ‘Cause I brought a flower for you. Your friends are faded – let me fill up your cup and toast to the stars over the ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. We spin the bottle till we’re kissing our cups. Felt like I’d die for you. You can’t explain it, it’s been years since we’ve touched, and I’ve waited none for you. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. Come let me up. Can you hear me now? About half a block away out. Can you hear me now? The ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. {Bad Wolves}

FEBRUARY 8, 2021: “O’er Fodder & Field” …

FODDER:

Indeed it is true that the “I got my heart broken and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal and very real! But here’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya folks AND PLEASE HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR! If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of REAL LOVE all the while … and even though some of the most “forgettable” people almost destroyed me (one of whom actually leveled me SO badly that I tried to kill myself) …

I WOULD NEVER HAVE MET THE TWO LOVES OF MY LIFE!

That’s right my friends! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I have been truly and deeply loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime. Not one – TWO! How many women can say that? While unfortunately their fates had to take them Home too soon, the love each of them gave me was enough to last me a lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nonetheless it remains … TRUE LOVE IS VERY REAL … and the people that hurt you but the FODDER beneath your feet who prepared you for the greener pastures yet to come …

… meaning …

You will never be able to to recognize or appreciate your real king or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of an asshole! So, just keep stepping over all that fodder as you walk through to greener pastures towards the Light! Take it from me – the grass really is better on this side! AND FOR THE RECORD: YES, I still love Corey Hart, and YES I still listen to this song AND sing out loud with it weekly! It’s beautiful, and powerful, and if you’ve never heard it before … LISTEN TO THE WORDS!

TAKE MY HEART

Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can? {Corey Hart}

FEBRUARY 6, 2021: “The Frog Prince” …

… that moment she walks in the kitchen and says …

Awwwe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you’re gonna have until you can finally get there!

… and you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracious human being you’ve EVER met … and (PS) …

YOU MADE HER!

If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the history of the world.

FEBRUARY 5, 2021: “Carrion My Wayward Son!” …

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

If you’re ever really bored, please check out my beloved friend, “George“, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, with his amazing care team at the American Eagle Foundation. It’s hard to believe (or, maybe not “with me”), but as enthralled as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!

“Why Cat? WHY?”

Well, I’ll tell you. They are, perhaps, one of the most undervalued creatures, a plight I know all too well. So often, people either see or hear “vulture” and say, “Eww! So gross! Nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds!”

What I love about George is how his “fame” is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed you become from “nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds”, as nothing could be farther from the truth!

Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They] are one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that the sight of soaring vultures is a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it is able to hold its wings motionless, and allow the warm air to carry it in large, sweeping circles, toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.

{Summit Outside … “The Misunderstood Vulture“}

By no means am I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart and personal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …

THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill. They are THE official clean-up crew of death. Still, can you imagine your daily drive with the mountains of carcasses we run over, along with the flies, maggots and odors on top of them? Now that would be, “Eww, GROSS!”

THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with the above, vultures are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feed on corpses – we learn from their corpses. Can someone say circle of life? “The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to so many others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that that may otherwise be consuming us!

THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.

THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! A vulture’s legs and feet are generally known to be weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless. Yet, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living at full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty (they can float like feathers, but still shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper), and though they can’t sing like their fellow feathered compadres, they still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches and hisses.

THAT BEING SAID …

MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you so much my very handsome friend for helping me see life through your eyes. It is my hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wonderous as I do, so the next time they see your kinfolk on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”, they’ll say, “Thank you God for those beautiful creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion my wayward son and lay that bald head of yours to rest … WE COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

Are you “remotely interested” in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation?

<<<CLICK HERE>>>

FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

Wow! Just WOW!

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just then learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend of mine who knew I was struggling, but even more so having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received – the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” CD. He asked that I listen to the last track first – “Mind’s Eye”. So, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible and powerful way:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.

{Reverend Billy Graham}

It literally changed me and the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bare would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith.

As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with this post, there are now two ironies flooding my heart with memories. On the night I got the CD, I had just left our fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening and LOSING IT, but, I didn’t say where. It was just as I passed the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve just a couple of years later. There I was, listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

But wait, there’s more! See this book? You won’t believe where I got it. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to Zack’s, sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it part of the decor. Lol, I’ve digressed again! My point being – when I ever laid eyes on it – of all the things that could have been sitting there next to Chewbacca! I vividly remember my “internal nod” to Heaven. “REALLY God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE is something, isn’t he?” Little did I know! Despite the ending, the eleven years I was blessed with that beautiful king of mine were not only the stuff that fairy tales are made of, but more so than that, years that shall forever remain “in my mind’s eye”.

MIND’S EYE

In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

FEBRUARY 3, 2021: “F8” …

FATE …

As defined by Merrium-Webster:

… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …

… and also …

Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.

But here’s the deal …

Life isn’t one solid picture, and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So why do we even need to define it? Fate. Destiny. Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything by now, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is – OH, that’s right – there isn’t one! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect cosmic timing and let them fall in place. The “big picture” you see above is actually a screenshot of my Instagram, where I dropped nine separate pieces of my favorite album of all times. You know, the one with The Brighter Side Of Grey. I asked my followers to back out of the post to see “F8” in the bigger picture.

Sometimes in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the end just the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your mosaic reveal itself at it’s own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered then put back together as a masterpiece of heartache, love and Light.

FEBRUARY 2, 2021: “The Unfortunates” …

Wait! WHAT?

You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you too. In fact … I LOVE EVERYONE! But, I definitely don’t “like” everyone. Guess what?

THAT’S OKAY!

Indeed it is true, there are some most unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, who, for no good reason I can see, still linger in my atmosphere like clingons, ever so blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. Comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are, which is GROSS!

Actually, and now that I think of it, as I am writing this, I’m hoping and praying that some of you are calling to mind any such “unfortunates” in your atmosphere as well, such that you’re reminded – yet again, or, for the first time that you deserved better than that, so don’t let them do it to you again! Look, I’m all about “forgiveness” – I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I have had to forgive “the devil himself” for crimes that no one would be able to forgive. But ummm, “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness”, and that old adage is an absolute crock of SHIT! Yup, we’re all human. YUP, we all fuck up, but that doesn’t excuse our behavior. Some of us live, learn and grow from our “fuck ups” … SOME OF US DO NOT … and that, my dear friends, is where our boundaries must come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

BUT SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!

At the end of the day – I am here to say – that having survived textbook, clinical narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it, is, umm, pretty fucking awesome! So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my “energy” – how’s that workin’ out for ya? Here’s my little “Until It’s Gone” serenade “from me – FROM YOU – to me”! Lol!

Oh, but wait … THERE’S MORE! Just to set the record straight, I know, know, KNOW I’m not the only one who feels this way about my past “unfortunates”. It’s just that I’m the only one saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two shits if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the f’ bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully He understands. What else can I say?

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Ever the work in progress!

UNTIL IT’S GONE

A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World” …

The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the most unfortunate counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven” (who, although I’m not sure, am fairly certain I must have forced to seek professional counseling of his own after having had to deal with me). Imagine that? Putting a counselor in counseling? Lol, but I’ve digressed.

Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoron fashion, and in keeping with everything else you’ve ever done, said, or been, you’re BOTH an actual AND metaphorical FREAK OF THE WORLD INFJ!

When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all”, I got nauseous. I cried, and screamed, and had a semi cataclysmic meltdown. Also? I was PISSED! Where the HELL did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything is wrong with them”, that this too is “wrong with them”. Yah, umm, NO DOC – I think I’ll pass. But thanks so much for chiming in.

So much of what I read seemed so dark and twisted that I just couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could at that point and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass (as was the case for many of the SPOT ON things not only Doctor Steven, but so many others, tried to tell me about myself).

The second time I took it was at my lovely visit to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”, but again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and final time I took it – also during my stay at The Meadows … because … after taking it the second time, I literally FREAKED THE FUCK OUT – again!

What the HELL is wrong with all these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in the actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me?” I DON’T WANT TO BE A FREAK OF NATURE! I DON’T WANT TO BE THE “ODD ONE OUT!

So, I asked if I could take it again. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Third time’s a charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me one HELL of a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat. I’m a Warrior, Motivator, SURVIVOR, AND I’ve overcome one of THE most stigmatic mental illnesses, AND I’m a TESTED AND VERIFIED FREAK! I really AM “kinda like a storm“!

Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFP. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.

Are there some dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know, and yup, I sure as hell do have very high expectations, and I’m stubborn, and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, let’s just spin it this way:

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

Yes, I AM “one of God’s own high powered prototypes”, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I really don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re like – my favorite tattoos of all – cryptic, elusive and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, the BEST of the BEST people this beautiful life has to offer me will ever get to!

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my “INFJ of it all” personality, he always said it made me unique and special.

You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!

He knew I was “this” before we got married, and yet he made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!

FREAK OF THE WORLD

Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world! {Puddle Of Mudd}

JANUARY 27, 2021: “Lost In The Echo” …

… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …

NOPE! I don’t think so … this time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!

He got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most, yet also abused, tortured and manipulated him the most, when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been SUCH a long time coming. Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.

Please God, PLEASE! Give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken “cycle” as possible – JUST LIKE I DID – and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally suffocating the life out of him once and for all.”

LOST IN THE ECHO

You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “Lions” …

HERE’S THE CALL OUT TO ALL MY FELLOW LIONS!

May the force of your OWN strong and determined heart continue to be with you always! It’s really, really hard standing alone in the crowd. Oh – wait – NO IT’S NOT! One of my absolute “crowning” achievements in this lifetime is in knowing that I’m different … AND EMBRACING IT!

Now then …

Go on and get back up on that mountain you belong on, ALL ALONE IF YOU MUST, your mane just-a-blowin’ in the wind, claws ever-sharpened and OUT … ready to swat all those annoying little sheep away. Look down at your kingdom, breathe it in then breathe it out, and laugh to yourself quietly as all the flies land on your SHIT!

Roar.

LIONS

Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious! {Skillet}

JANUARY 18, 2021: “Happy” …

… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …

Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds twisted, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true!

I choose JOY!

I choose RIDICULOUS!

I choose SILLY!

I choose OPTIMISM!

I. CHOOSE. HAPPY!

JANUARY 17, 2021: “Dear God” …

DEAR GOD, IN ACTUAL HEAVEN:

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for all these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places off my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.

For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that has now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions that I’m feeling down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do, and I always will, until I see him again with YOU!

So, THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR HIM, and that he was OURS, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”.

Likewise, THANK YOU for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all …

Yes indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly.

THANK YOU.

With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from one of your favorite brats of all …

ME.