APRIL 19, 2009: “The Circadian” …

After reading “the letter” that my father left taped to the steering wheel of my car while it was parked in their driveway and I was inside having Sunday dinner with my family, I was done. I finally had the nervous breakdown I’d fighting SO hard not to have for too many years to count! and was shipped off to “The Meadows” in Wickenburg, Arizona, to be in-patient treated for the multitude of mental anguishes and ailments that had been simmering inside me since probably the day that I was born.

Even as I write this, I can still “see” that tragic moment replaying in my mind as though it were happening right this minute, and can feel the visceral reactions I was having to my nervous system being flooded with unfathomable, raw emotion. I literally couldn’t breathe, but could feel the adrenaline slowly leaving my body as it bleed out through my fingertips. I was crumbling. When I looked up and saw my babies at the door, I was done.

I have always been certain that there were angels present with me and my children in that moment, and if it is true that angels cry, then they had to be crying their fucking eyes out as they witnessed what was was happening on that driveway. They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could by taken awayHe, too, was crumbling, and I’d never seen him cry so much. And my Gia? She looked so lost, like a sad little puppy that just wanted to be picked and held. FUCK! What have I done?