Happy Easter, everyone! HE IS RISEN! Meanwhile, never forget that it’s wasn’t just the nails:

He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive! They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive! They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours until there wasn’t a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive! They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin and skull. They wanted him alive! After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured, they made Him walk with a cross. They made Him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive! They wanted Him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He HAD to feel it in order to heal us. Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most tortured deaths a human could face … hours upon hours of torture … torture most of us can not mentally think of because that kind of cruelty just isn’t normal and isn’t something our minds can comprehend. We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate bunnies. The truth is that there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, and nasty. He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in Heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting “Crucify Him!” He didn’t. He knew that in order to have a Sunday, you have to have a Friday. He knew that in order to have joy, you have to carry your cross. He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you call husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn’t seem right anymore. On that cross, he held the rapists, murderers, sinners, and saints, leveling every playing field, and saying, “ALL of you are worth it!” He knew He had to carry the cross, but He never promised that the cross you’d have to carry in this life would not be heavy. HIS WASN’T! His promise is that Sunday is coming. No matter how heavy your Friday was today, be it financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically, such that the burden of that cross you bore all but crumbled and leveled you under its weight, His promise was simply this: He will never make you carry it alone. Now, tell me? What kind of king would step down from his throne for this? For me? For you? For this “humanity” we have become? Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did! He did every bit of it for you and me. Oh, yes, it’s SO heavy to carry the crosses in our life that we sometimes think we can’t even take one more step with. But look up, my friends … because Sunday is coming!

{Author Unknown}

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“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

{Janet Fitch}

🖤

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

{Carl Jung}

🖤

Well, folks? Who’da ever thunk I’d discover that there is, indeed, such thing as “World Solitude Day” … aaaaand TODAY’S the freakin’ day!

Meanwhile …

As far as I’m concerned, loneliness is rarely ever about the empty “physical spaces” within which so many of us dwell. Rather, it’s about the empty space in a person’s soul where they carry the weight of all the unspoken words and truths they’ve managed to convince themselves not to “think, speak, or feel” because they simply don’t feel safe enough to share them with anyone, including themselves.

In my experience, however, true healing and growth are about spending as much time as is necessary to figure out what matters most in your world (regardless of who you either do or don’t dwell in your spaces with) then learning how to SPEAK it ALL so that YOU are no longer alone with it! It’s how you let yourself be truly SEEN for what and who you really are, which (ps) in the oxymoronical twist of all twists is, indeed, how YOU attract the most important person in your life who you will EVER be in a relationship with …

YOU! 

… aaaaand THAT, my friends is how you become the BEAST who is “alone” but not “lonely“! Thoughts? Drop me a comment if you dare! I’d love to hear from you.

One year ago today, Daughtry released this most powerful tribute to what I believe is the most beautiful form of human existence there is:

“BROKEN INTO PIECES!”

Meanwhile, can I just tell you about this vase you see pictured here? My beautiful Mother gifted it to me from The Smithsonian Store catalog over thirty years ago, and it’s been one of my most prized possessions ever since. If you didn’t already know, “cloisonné” is a decorative art form wherein colored enamel paste that’s fused together with thin metal strings is applied to a metal base, thus creating intricate, shiny designs as the reflective material is woven in between the usually colored enamel. It’s a mosaic MASTERPIECE … kinda like ME:

None of you will EVER know what really lies beneath my surface and what you would find and how much it’s REALLY worth it! When I’m losing ground now, I don’t get nervous, ’cause I know there’s only so much I can control! Oh! But even with all the cracks in the mirror, my reflection couldn’t BE any clearer.  I’ve GOTTEN to learn to cope … even at the end of my ropes … while doing the best that I can to live with the broken pieces of me that were shattered! I can’t stop the bleeding that I’ll never “get over”, and it was, indeed hard to move on, but I’m living to LOVE all the pieces of me! I’ll NEVER know who’s coming for me into the storm without a warning, and like the cold of the morning, oh, how it will cut straight to the bone again. But it was the silence in the battle that made me no longer afraid of my own shadow. Now, I simply reach for hope when I’m at the end of all my ropes and just do the very best that I can. I can’t change the past, so i HAD to let go to learn how to live with these holes in my soul. 

Dear GOD, I really am the luckiest girl on this Earth and surely Your most FAVORITE daughter! Thank You for breaking me over and over and over. There’s LITERAL gold woven in between all the pieces that are ME. Just sayin’!

On this day two years ago, my beloved Shinedown released this ode, if not love song to honor anyone who struggles with their self-reflection and identity. As for ME? I, myself, am an out loud and PROUD, err, “highly symptomatic” if not overtly problematic human enigma prototypes who was, indeed, sent here to disturb the balance! Not only could my self-reflection not be any clearer now, BUT …

One has either to take me as I am, or LEAVE me as I am, but (ps), I DON’T REALLY CARE! One cannot change me … much less can one disturb my balance. THIS masterpiece of a human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else, for I am made of the literal stardust my only Father spun right out of His perfect hands … which as far as I’m concerned makes me practically and PERFECTLY imperfect!

Much love to my spirit animal, Franz Kafka, for penning the words that I would eventually embody in such a paradoxical fashion! It is beyond my own comprehension that I became so lucky that I “GET” TO LOVE ME, “fuckin’ perfect flaws and all“, and almost always despite myself! Just sayin’!

By everyone … it’s me … CAT

(a/k/a “God’s FAVORITE Daughter“)!

To My Valentines …

Just a handful of wisdom nuggets from me to you on this day of celebrating all things LOVE! Some of these lessons I had to learn the very extremely hard way, while others I unfortunately learned a little too late. In the meantime, as you continue growing into your futures together, remember …

If you don’t speak, resentment will. Silence and avoidance are rarely ever “peace” … THEY’RE POISON! Always at least try to talk things through before you close your eyes at night, because communication is the key to every relationship in this life, and without it, even the strongest of relationships can just die.

It doesn’t take rocket science for me to know that eventually you’ll all be married. Well, at least that is this mother’s prayers have come true. Marriage is never just “50/50”, by the way … it’s “100/100” depending on the circumstance. There’ll be days “you carry her”, days “she carries you”, and that balancing act of generosity and patience is important. Don’t forget this!

Forgiveness doesn’t always erase the pain. It can, however, build trust. Sometimes you’ll forgive but never forget. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! You’re only human after all. Moving forward in moments like that are a choice you’ll have to choose. Lower your armor and don’t become enemies.

Never stop doing all the little things for each other, because THOSE are the glue that will keep you bonded through thick and then, and believe it or not, it’s the little things you’ll remember the most when all is said and done.

Last but not least, yeah, love really does hurt you sometimes, and no, it really isn’t so easy to find. So, this is me hoping that all your collective searching really is over and that win, lose, or draw and hell or the highest of waters, you’ll always be standin’ there for when the other turns around. In the meantime, I love you all to The Moon and back … and back … and back!

~ Mom

… and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead to take us ALL back around the The Sun again, God willing. To know me well is to know that I am TRULY in love with every minute of every day that I “get” to partake in this bittersweet, beautiful, shit show of a fucking CIRCUS we call life. Some may find me morbid, macabre, pessimistic, “doom and gloom”, or obsessed with the thought of Death. I am not. Quite the contrary, actually – BUT – i AM a stoic … AND a realist … and if dancing with “Death” has gifted me anything, it’s my absolute peace with death and understanding about the brevity of mere existence. So, with that, as you begin what will hopefully prove to be YOUR next beautiful trip around our fiery girl in the sky … “MEMENTO MORI”: Remember that you have to die! Let my words and my story be a sobering, LIFElong reminder to make each of the 86,400 seconds of your next 365 days REALLY count. Live today, not tomorrow, because unless you’re God or an immortal jellyfish, tomorrow isn’t promised. “… and if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out.

… and in keeping with Memento Mori Day today, enjoy this un momento of the brand new year … but, umm … YOU KNOW the rest:

In honor of “World Introvert Day” today, please allow me to once again remind you of what an epic level WEIRDO of “flawed design” MAGNIFICENCE you have floating about your atmosphere …

me:

“I’m an introverted extroverted INFJ enigma! I don’t like drama, conflict, chaos, or stress-filled places, and I don’t need too many friends! I just want to linger AT MY DISCRETION in calm and peaceful spaces with a FEW good people who are authentic, REAL, trustworthy, safe, and understand that sometimes I’ll just BOLT! I want simplicity, warmth, love, and people, places, and things that feed and heal my soul.”

also me:

… but MOSTLY me:

To know me is to love me or sometimes even hate me. Wait! Scratch that! To know me is to love me … or hate me … and only think you know me, but no, you actually don’t, ’cause for Christ’s actual sake, NO ONE really does (sometimes not even me), and also, I don’t really give two FUCKS whether you love me or hate me ’cause I LOVE ME enough for both of us! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

… and that was the day I met the first, last, and only man I’d ever truly love for the rest of my days on this Earth …. to infinity and beyond … and The Moon and back.

In the meantime …

“If you ask me, he’s walked on water since before he could talk. One look at him, and I forget the miles he drove me up a wall! Each first day, ’til he was driving, I’d see him off and start to cry. Even though he’s all grown up, some things never change. Every time that he falls down, I’ll be there to carry the weight. If you ask me, he’s done made it. I swear he’s a superstar! To me, those AK’s that he’s making might as well be Fenway Park! I love to tell my friends about him and show ’em pictures on my phone. I’d say that my favorite one is the day I brought him home. I’ve bent God’s ear for him until it breaks, and any time he goes through hell, yeah, I’ll gladly take his place. Yes, I still dream for him … pray for him … want more than the whole world for him … forget all the hell he ever raised! I only ever see him one way … like he was born yesterday.”

{… Eric Burgett Lyrics Adapted}

[DISCLAIMER]:

Unlike the lyrics to this song, however, my son has never really “driven me up a wall or put me through that much hell”. He’s been an absolute JOY to raise. Truth being told, he’s my doppelgänger, and win, lose, or draw, and come hell or highest of waters, to know us is to love us, but we are who we are and make no apologies for it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Christian Peter! Momma loves you! Thirty-three years ago LITERALLY to the second this is being posted, you were “born yesterday”! Keep working on your Fenway Park, by the way! Momma’s got your six all the while! Actually? No! I have your entire CLOCK!

We want everybody to be safe out there because we are getting reports of … it’s going around! It’s eating people’s faces and souls! He’s a crazy creature!

One year ago today, Sick Puppies released what I believe to be their most powerful song since “White Balloons“, “Odd One“, and “Creatures“. With that, I feel it only fitting that we take a good hard look at these impeccably written lyrics:

PAIN! It’s come alive! It’s pouring out of my veins! I’m drifting in and out, turning insane. At the edge … I’ve kept it in until now … I’m afraid it’s too late! I feel it coming out!

STOP! Before I take your mother fuckin’ head off! I’m seeing shit that I don’t wanna speak of! Bottled up everything up until now. This is it! Fuse is lit! So, get the hell out!

Rage that won’t subside … eating me alive … look into my eyes … I’ll scream until I spit blood! I would stop myself if I could! Get away! It’s too late! I’m changing!

Oh my God, what have I done? I can’t believe what I’ve become! I can’t stop hurting everyone! What’s this creature I’ve become?

Far be it from me to break the news to ya, my friend, but this “creature” you become is nothing more than the living embodiment of emotional dysregulation, i.e. having difficulty managing your emotions and the way you react to them, which in turn can lead to extreme if not inappropriate outbursts. It’s not a diagnosis, by the way, but rather, a description of how our emotions are managed, or rather should I say – MISmanaged.

A person’s inability to regulate emotions can, however, be a symptom of very serious mental health conditions. Do you have trouble calming down when you’re upset? Do you experience rapid mood swings or struggle with impulsive behaviors and thoughts? Well, my advice to you is call a mental health professional ASAP! With the right help and the willingness to face your ‘lil monster in the mirror, you CAN take it down!

“But, Cat! I can’t afford to call a mental health professional!”

YES, YOU CAN!

Just CLICK this pic:

Perhaps one of my favorite things about myself is that I haven’t become the monster I probably should have after all the trauma I’ve survived in my life. I mean, could I have used it all as an excuse to rage against humanity? Yes, I suppose so. Actually? Now that I think of it, there was a time in my life when I did! “It was kinda like a storm!” … and by “it”, I mean THE CREATURE I once WAS! One thing we all need to understand about extremely kind, nice, and loving people, however, is that their other side is just as extreme. It’s the hell they survive that makes them gentle, so, don’t mistake their self-control for weakness. The beast in them is merely sleeping, not dead.

My beloved Grandpa Ernie who shared this birthday with Judge Caprio grew up on “The Hill” as well, and my father and his three brothers were students at the high school he spoke of teaching at during the day before driving to Boston at night. Since my father was Class Of ’65, they’d have likely walked the same corridors of that place together. For all I know, Judge Caprio may have even taught my father.

For the record, I’ll never see a can of peaches the same way again. In fact, I’ll be buying a can at the market this week and putting it my kitchen to honor Judge Caprio and this epic if not saint like sPEACH! “Frankly”? The man should be canonized. Meanwhile, I once saw this powerful tribute to another of humanities treasures, Keanu Reaves:

Few are the people whose characters are befitting of such impeccable words. Judge Caprio, however, was one of them (as was my Grandpa). If you don’t already know who this enigmatic bastion of kindness and treasure to humanity was, it’s not too late to get to know him now. His life changing wisdoms and nuggets will be honoring not just his forefathers but mine and so many others’ as well throughout the ages! I’d also like to think that I’m honoring MY forefathers and following their footsteps by showing kindness and compassion to as many people I can, up to and including strangers, and that I’ve raised two kids who are as well. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Judge Caprio and Grampy!

“Many people consider rainy days to be a bad weather day. Therefore, for anyone to think otherwise, that person must view the world from a unique perspective. There are many kinds of people in this world, and each has unusual habits and characteristics. That uniqueness is what makes pluviophiles different from the rest of the population … and they thrive in rain and storms.”

{Pluviophile.net}

… and I am never not mindful of the people in this world who fall into the deep psychological despair and depression that come and go with the seasons. For me, days like this are nothing less than God’s way of wrapping His arms around me with all the most beautiful shades of grey that He knows I love so much and telling me I’m safe, loved, and always “at home” no matter where I roam or what seemingly dismal circumstances surround me.

It’s days like this that call me back home to the happiest days of my childhood, especially when followed by a rainbow to remind me that I’m not just all the darkness that still lives deep within me courtesy of the demons that tried but failed to take my soul, many of which weren’t even my own. It’s days like this when I truly AM the living embodiment of  “Power + Grace” and all the beautiful Light and colors I’ve become. It’s days like this when I’m the happiest. It’s days like this I’m the most at peace. It’s days like these when I’m thankful.

This picture was taken during Ozzy’s goodbye show. She sat quietly at the edge of the stage. Alone. Almost invisible. After decades of chaos and glory, of screams and silence. Just to be there. To be his. To stay. Always. This is Sharon Osbourne. And that image of her says more about love than any love song ever could. Because real Rock and Roll isn’t in the solos. It’s in the surrender. She met Ozzy when he was lost – broken, addicted, discarded. But she saw the man, not the mess. She believed. She bet everything. And she won. She wasn’t just a wife. She was the mind behind the empire. The soul behind the myth. She was the one who stayed – through rehab, scandals, relapses, betrayals. She was the one who loved – fiercely, silently, without applause. She turned pain into power. Madness into music. A broken man into a legend – and then into a husband. For over 40 years, she held the line. Not for glory. Not for image. But for love. Real love doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, it just stays. And she stayed. Sharon was Ozzy’s oxygen. His harbor. And maybe… the greatest love story music has ever known.

(by “AcapellaHero”)

While writing for permission to repost these impeccable words about “The Prince Of Dark AND Lightness” here, I was reduced to tears yet again in the wake of a phenomenon I’m calling, “The Ozzily EverAFTERglow“. I wrote:

As a widow who’s still healing from a “journey with a madman” who I unfortunately lost to his own darkness, your words have captured SO many of the feelings I’ve yet to fully express with my own words. They NEED to be shared with other widows.

… which is, in fact, exactly what I’m doing to honor what would have been my fourteenth anniversary to the “madman” who took off with my heart after “a little over a decade of chaos, glory, screams, and silence” that unbeknownst to us he’d battling within the abyss of his slowly sinking soul. No, he may not have been a rock star – but – in so many ways, I suppose he was before he lost his actual fucking mind and did unspeakable, unfathomable, and all but inhumane things to us in the wake of his insanity. But you see, I, too, was Sharon Osbourne in my own way. I happily and sometimes quietly sat at the edge of his stage … often alone … and sometimes even invisible. Why? Just to be there. To be his. To stay. Always. Because real love is in the surrender. I met Zack when he was lost – broken, discarded. But I saw the man, not the mess, albeit he’d been hiding so much of it. I believed. I bet everything. And I lost.

But then again, did I, though? I was the one who loved – fiercely, silently, and without the “need” for applause (which is not to say I never got it, because I did). Now? I’ve turned all the pain that not just he left me with, but the pain from my own journey as a “madwoman” into power. Madness into ALL the music that sings my own soul and continues to help me surrender to my own demons … and myself. I am a once broken women who’s loved many a broken man now turned into a legend. For over 56 years, I’ve held the line! Not for glory. Not for image. But for love … because real love doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, it just stays. And I’VE STAYED! Not only have I proudly, if not bittersweetly been so many other people’s oxygen, even more so have I been my own. I am a harbor … and maybe … the greatest love story I’ve ever known.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, FOLKS!

Here’s hoping you either have a spookTACULAR and cozy night in with all your people (or even with just you and yourself), or a spookTACULAR and SAFE night out with all your people (or even just with you and yourself)! Okay, that’s all I got!

Bye everyone, it’s me, BAT!

(I mean, CAT!)

23 Years Ago This Day …

Eminem‘s “Lose Yourself” was released as the lead single from the 8 Mile soundtrack. The official music video, however, was released a bit earlier on October 7, 2002.

Just about anyone can appreciate this ‘lil gem of a hip hop ditty which is widely held as his masterpiece due to its enduring pop culture legacy that spans the masses. No matter your race, creed, color, gender, dialect, age, or varying if not contrary musical preferences, the “mom’s spaghetti” of this unforgettable rap can ignite a fire of motivation and resilience under your skin! This video is a compilation of 331 different cinema-graphic films that were edited together by “The Unusual Suspect” on YouTube to recreate the lyrics to it.

And so, with that, Happy 23rd Birthday to one of THE most epic songs of all our lifetimes! Here’s hoping my grandkids and their grandkids will be banging this one out of their speakers, into their ears, and straight through their souls when searching for the courage and inspiration to step out from underneath any self-doubt and fears they may have when standing on the stage of their lives just like so many of us have on our own!