MAY 30, 2021: “No Matter How Long It Took” …

“Joe’s Farm”
~ Piedmont, New Hampshire ~
Courtesy Of Bill Hower (A “Virtual Stranger”)

… Somehow He Found A Way!

On this day twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son out for a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.

But here’s the deal …

Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).

Dearest Mine …

I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then I will remain near.

I am your friend and love you very much.

Jesus

{Author Unknown}

… to which my response is:

Dearest Mine …

I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.

I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!

Catherine

It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

MAY 28, 2021: “So Take The Best Parts Of Me” …

… locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side.

“The Brighter Side Of Grey” ~ Five Finger Death Punch

… that moment you realize yet again that your child’s creative talent puts even your best work to shame, and all you can do is sigh, because “with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right”.

She is my gift to this world.

They both are. My legacies. My everything. The Brighter Sides of ALL my beautiful greys. Have I ever told any of you that I am THE luckiest queen on this Earth?

… BELOW …

Her “Principles of Design” series freshman project. She was asked to use “random bits and pieces” on a 4×7 surface to present her personal interpretations of design concepts such as “Unity”, “Emphasis”, “Symmetry”, “Contrast”, “Rhythm & Movement”, and “Asymmetrically Balanced”. Each of these “bits” of cardstock and paper were individually hand-cut and arranged …

MAY 18, 2021: “Song Of Myself” …

When my son was 16 years old he started a process between the two of us wherein he would communicate his feelings to me by sending me songs. It fast became “a thing” with us, and to this day, even 15 years later, he still lets me know EXACTLY what’s going on in his head with music. Over the years, however, “the process” has morphed into so much more than just “me and him”. It’s about “me” too. These days? I communicate with ME with music! Singing myself LOVE SONGS is one of my favorite “Mental Wealth Hacks”. It’s a very powerful way to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOURSELF BACK TO LIFE.

WHEN THE SEASONS CHANGE

There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide … {Five Finger Death Punch}

MAY 17, 2021: “Into The Mystery I Slide” …

There was no-one like him. I’d lived in a world of black and white, and he was the only one in color.

… but then again …

There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered.

Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth …

… OR …

There is “One Last King” preparing himself for ME somewhere out there in this realm.

Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a TRUE “alpha man” to the core who will easily win the privilege and HONOR of taking and RULING my heart and seeing “all of me“.

But wait, Cat! Didn’t you just say you won’t be an easy catch? That seems so contradictory!

That is correct! I will not be an easy catch. But you see, if “he” is who I know he is to even capture my attention in the first place, it will be easy for him to do! It will be a cosmic clash of two Earthly titans, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be! I WILL ONLY DO THIS ONE MORE TIME and I will not not be “playing” around. HE’LL BE PLAYING FOR KEEPS! Nothing less. Nothing more. Only time will tell.

This is me speaking into the Cosmos that I’m 100% open to what and “if” is or is NOT meant to be. I call it “Queen-Speak“.

IT IS SPOKEN!

MAY 16, 2021: “Why Some Old Friends Die So Soon” …

WHY DO DOGS LIVE LESS THAN HUMANS?

I recently saw this question posted on a dear friend of mine’s Facebook page, and although he was not the author of the original “response of a six year old child”, I believed it was still worth sharing.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that dogs’ lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live. He said, ”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued … ”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay for as long as we do.

{Author Unknown}

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Remember, if the dog was giving the lessons, you would learn things like:

  • When loved ones come home, run to greet them!
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride!
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy!
  • Take naps!
  • Stretch before rising!
  • Run, romp, and play daily!
  • Thrive on attention!
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do!
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass!
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree!
  • When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body!
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk!
  • Be faithful!
  • Never pretend to be something you’re not!
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it!
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently!

If only any of you knew just how much I’ve learned over the years from my own fur babies. As of late, in so many ways, “Lord Walter The Williamson” has been one of our biggest heroes in the 635 days since his Daddy had to cross over to The Brighter Side Of Grey. Someday I will have to go back and tell you all about that, but as for now, the actual miracle of his presence in our lives and the mere reason I believe he was sent to us in the first place is just too overwhelming for even “all my words”. Sufficed to say, at the end of the day, I am one of those people who finds it no coincidence that “DOG” is “GOD” spelled backwards. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. They aren’t just four-legged creatures. They’re four-legged teachers.

MAY 9, 2021: “Mama’s Boys” …

MOTHER’S DAY 2021!

There are two special songs that have long been endearing between me and my son, Christian. The first is “Hold My Hand” by Hootie & The Blowfish. He started singing it to me around age three, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally “hold my hand” as we walked through a mall or restaurant or even a zoo or movie theater as he belted it out loud for the entire world to hear.

The second one came into play a few years later, and the first time we heard together, he “grabbed my hand” and I sobbed. Over the years, he’s either sent it, sung it, or dedicated it to me too many times to count, and of course it was our bittersweet “Mother/Son” dance at The Frog & The Butterfly wedding redo in 2015. That being said, have any of you ever really listened to the words?

You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me – I’ll always keep it inside. You’re the driving force in my life. There isn’t anything or anyone that I could be, and it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have you by my side. You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray. Whenever I was down, you were always there to comfort me, and no one else can be what you have been to me. You will always be the girl in my life for all times. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars, yes it is. Mama I just want you to know lovin’ you is like food to my soul. You’re always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. Yes you did. And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me. You always did understand. You gave me strength to go on. There were so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you’d come to me and say to me I can face anything. And no one else can do what you have done for me. You’ll always be the girl in my life. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars. Mama I just want you to know – Lovin’ you is like food to my soul. Never gonna go a day without you. {Boyz 2 Men}

Imagine you’re a highly impressionable, innocent young boy or even a grown man who’s never had a mama to sing these words to or feel these feelings for? Worse yet, imagine you’re a boy who’s “mama” just got up and walked out on him because she was nothing more than a self-consumed, vile excuse of a woman who took the utmost honor and responsibility of “mama” and spat both it and her children on the ground like shit? These days, it seems that “man bashing”has become commonplace and “all men are the devil” is the flavor of the day! Gotta tell ya, those kinda words will start an outright war with me. First of all, not only is stereotyping the first sign of true moronic idiocy to me, because after all, unless you can prove that you have indeed known every man on the face of the planet, then you are indeed a moron. But more so than that …

Anything men can do, WE can do better!

Really? Well then, SUCK IT UP SALLY and come down from your sanctimony, ’cause with THAT train of thought…

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!

Sometimes (but not “always”) when you’re dealing with an “unhappy, toxic, DEVIL of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good hard look in the mirror. IT TAKES A DEVIL TO MAKE A DEVIL! Maybe it’s YOU that’s manifesting the “asshole” out of him. Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And BY the way ladies —

Don’t forget where we came from …

THEIR RIB!

I’m an ecumenical abuser! What’s good for the gander IS good for the goose as well, so let’s all stop pointing the finger at “the OTHER gender” and do a better job managing our own business and “roles”. We’re ALL human! We’re ALL a hot mess! We ALL make mistakes! WE CAN ALL BE THE DEVIL AT TIMES! That being said, the sobering truth is it’s the woman’s hand that literally “rocks the cradle” (or at least that’s what they were intended to do). We are the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire effing COSMOS to the babies we bear, and even wild animals instinctively know this to be true and sometimes do much better jobs of raising their children than some human “things” with wombs. Now, does a good, strong, emotionally strong and healthy dad have value in the parenting process? OF COURSE HE DOES! Duh, do you think I’m stupid? But you see my friends, “mama” is the ultimate power! Only WE can make them! Only WE can irreparably BREAK them! For every toxic “DEVIL of a man” who’s out there roaming this planet giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his broken ways back to the hands of the WOMAN who either did or did not raise him. Sorry, NOT sorry, but it’s the truth, and I don’t care what any of you have to say about it.

I thank GOD for the good “alpha” men in this world. I respect them. I value them. I worry for them. I PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and honor them as the strong towers they were intended to be. I am a woman who has been lucky enough to be loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS on this Earth. At the end of the day, I thank God I wasn’t born one, because from the moment they draw their first breathe they are expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If YOU are a man-hating woman reading this right now … GET OUT OF MY DIARY RIGHT NOW! You’re NOT my people and ZERO do I want that kind of nonsense in my life. Sorry. NOT SORRY!

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

MAY 8, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Quotes” …

Which One Are You?

DON’T LIE!

BE REAL!

Would you do ANYTHING to protect the sanctity of your children’s environment, “mental wealth”, and well-being? Or are you one of those SELFISH MOMS who merely drags the children you were blessed with along through your carnival of “me, me, ME” bullshit and drama?

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE “GOOD MOMS” OUT THERE!

You’re the hand that rocks the cradle!

To all the rest of you girls who are lucky enough to call themselves “mom” yet treat your children as an accessory if and when it’s convenient: You’re the hand that DESTROYS the cradle AND the babies that were in them, so you’ll be keeping the mental health system alive and kicking until the end of time. At least you’re doing your part to boost the economy, right? CONGRATS little girls! Not only are you GROSS and DISGUSTING – but YOU are primarily what’s wrong with this fucked up world we all live in! Yah, I said that! Sorry. NOT sorry! … “Sancti-MOM-Ius”

APRIL 27, 2021: “A Spoonful Of Wisdom From The Maestro” …

Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of one of TOP 10 favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process after many failed attempts. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. IF YOU KNOW – YOU KNOW! If you don’t, you don’t.

You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am not appreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.

You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are” – it’s “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage: “To whom much is given, much is expected”.

Then we have the true humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …

Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment. The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

{Sir Anthony Hopkins}

It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.

DROP THE MIC!

APRIL 26, 2021: “Down With The Fallen” …

Yes, my friends … I too have been in this place many times in my life: “Tired eyes barely open”, and crippled by countless promises broken. I have seen my share of fallen empires, and cried out to God on my hands and knees:

Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!

The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.

Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling – AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER driving it alone!

PERSPECTIVE.

IT’S EVERYTHING!

And so are you my ghost rider friend! Now, get out there and MAN THAT SHIP like the cosmonaut you really are!

DOWN WITH THE FALLEN

Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}

APRIL 9, 2021: “Farewell My Prince” …

“The Duke Of Edinburgh”
(June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)

Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.

Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, and the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s.

Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST IS? But someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”, and my answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a divergent spectrum, right? But once again I’ve digressed …

Many people criticize, and assault the monarchy and it’s autocratic rule, but I do not. They are mortal human beings, just like all of us, each with their own “story” and unknown personal struggles. Prince Phillip lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would ever sign up for.

Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.

You will live on in infamy! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, and all the ways your your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve FINALLY made it to The Moon and that one day I will get to sit and chat with you on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

APRIL 8, 2021: “How Do Ya Like Me NOW?” …

A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …

Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.

It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be alone but not lonelyhere in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.

Damn, I’m such a biotch!

Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!

Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.

Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!

Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:

I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}

MARCH 2, 2021: “Three Strikes And I’m IN!” …

I KNOW

And where do I begin with what I’m to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through, even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you, because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go. I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart. (He knows your heart.) I’m holding tight to the few things that I know. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. He’s made a way. {Mercy Me}

MARCH 31, 2021: “Broken” …

In case you need to hear this right now …

It’s okay to let yourself feel the cuts, bruises, and painful jagged edges from being “broken”. Let them be your greatest GIFT! More so than that, don’t EVER let anyone (including yourself) make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or “feel bad” because someone may be feeling “worse”!

Trauma comparison” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s pain and suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only highly assumptive, but one of THE cruelest self-tortures of all! IT BELITTLES YOU! IT INVALIDATES YOU! IT SAYS “YOU” ARE NOT WORTHY OF COMPASSION!

Believing that someone else’s trauma is bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both people, because while you are wondering how they survived theirs, they may be wondering how you survived yours! It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that “what you’ve gone through” isn’t as bad as what someone else has can gravely hinder or negate the external help and support you need, thus keeping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive. Trust me – THIS I KNOW! Have you read anything I’ve written? Do you know the story of my king? For years we both suffered in our respective former lives. Me? I spent a lifetime being chastised and told that I should just get over myself because nothing was ever really so bad …

You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have! Beautiful children. A beautiful husband. A beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU’RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL. Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and just start being more grateful?

... and HIM? OMG! Don’t EVEN get me started! No one gave a FUCK about “his feelings” of abandonment and being thrown away by his mother! Literally – NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN! Through it all, he’d somehow managed to convince himself there was nothing wrong with his childhood, and didja see how all that ended?

Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to convalesce your wounds, but don’t wallow in them too long. “How long is too long?” We move about our cabins in our own personal way, because each person’s “reality” is based upon their own unique point of view, the different life experiences they’ve had, the values instilled in them from a very young age, and how they may be feeling at any particular time. EVERYONE FEELS THINGS DIFFERENTLY!

But know this …

Once you’re done grieving the “you” who you were before “what ever it was” happened to you, you have to move on and overcome! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MOVE ON AND OVERCOME! I saw an amazing quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:

Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.

No. Truer. TRUTH!

One day you’ll wake up and find yourself standing in front of a mirror with the Light that’s pouring through all those cracks shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my greatest and truest wish that you will fall to your knees and thank GOD for having ever been broken, no matter how little or how much!

Keep the faith my friends. “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” Though I may not personally “know” all of you, I do so love EVERY one of you! You, are, MY PEOPLE! MY broken “PHOENIX” people. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s only the “broken people” I truly understand. Together our shards are manifesting the MOST magnificent mosaic this cosmos will have known!

WHAT IF?

What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared and confused, because those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Well, I’M TELLING YOU! Not only do I speak to you in “broken”, I speak to you from a place of LOVE! It just so happens that I personally know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks in my soul with “Light” every single day! When I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it just to me …

BROKEN

Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real. Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really real? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes I know. Yes I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}

MARCH 30, 2021: “Because Hope Is A Good Thing” …

The Shawshank Redemption was Zack’s favorite movie of all times. To him, it screamed “hope” in every circumstance, and despite the obviously tragic ending, trust me when I tell you that he tried not to literally lose his mind and fall apart the way he did. Ironically, we watched it together for probably the twentieth time the weekend before he died and he cried the whole way through it. Looking back, I know in my heart that as he was watching it for the very last time he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer and all that all the “hope” he tried so hard to find in doing so was fast coming to a screeching halt. We’d talked incessantly about what he was feeling in his heart and mind, and towards the end he just kept saying it felt like he was trapped inside a prison. Five nights later, he was gone.

In here is where it makes the most sense … you need it so you don’t forget … that there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone … that there’s something inside that they can’t get to … they can’t touch … it’s yours … hope.”

Having done a little investigating, I was able to have a conversation with one of the first responders at the scene the morning of August 23rd, and he was kind enough to answer some of questions I needed answers to. He said that when they found him, the car was still running, and there was opera music playing inside so loud that they could hear it through the windows. I JUST KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS LISTENING TO AT THE END WAS HIS FAVORITE MUSICIAL MASTERPIECE OF ALL – Mozart’s “The Marriage Of Figaro” – the one from his favorite scene in the movie …

Here’s the thing …

There are so many questions I will never have answers to, and even more things I will never understand. Only God and Zack know what was going through his mind in those dark hours. Even if it’s true that I will see him again in another place and time, and even if I do get to meet God one day. there is still no assurance that ponderings such as these will be part of the beautiful conversations to be had, much less will I even know that I pondered them at all. In “the opera scene”, Red said …

I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.

Likewise, I have no idea what Zack was really thinking about or “listening to” in the very last seconds of his life, but I’d like to think …

He was thinking about something so beautiful it just couldn’t be expressed in words, despite how his heart was aching, and it was the Light at the end of the very dark tunnel that had been his life on Earth that WAS the last bit of “hope” he was clinging to.

As par for our course, there are some things He will reveal to me only if and when I am ready to hear them, and so many other things that aren’t meant for me to understand at all. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! I have the truly blind faith in my mind’s eye to guide me as I’m crossing over and that is all the “hope” I’ll ever need. Indeed it’s a VERY good thing!

MARCH 27, 2021: “Starving A Narcissist” …

… but even THEN it sometimes takes a hot minute to send them packing for their next kill!

In November of 1996, I “got to learn” the very hard way what really lied beneath the surface of the most narcissistic, evil men I’ve ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with …

… and his name was John.

Note that as I wrote “men”, I literally and not metaphorically laughed my fucking ass off! I’ve since been enlightened as to the true measure of a “man”, and “man” gives him way more credit than what his very SMALL affect truly is (and I do mean SMALL in every way). He’s a hoovering narcissist. Nothing more and nothing less.

Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image. Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again. Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.

{Alethia Luna ~ “8 Signs You’re The Victim Of An Abusive Hoovering Narcissist“}

As par for the course the past 20 years, John never fully left my atmosphere since our near fateful departure. Not long after he and Angie leveled me to the point of almost no return, he showed up at my home to deliver a stack of Christmas presents and a little somethin’ else. Keep in mind that he was already engaged to Angie at the time, and although NOTHING happened between “us”, something indeed happened between “him and himself” right there on my bed! It was the most twisted things I’d ever witnessed in my life, which is saying a lot. After having admittedly driven my own self crazy and spending time in a couple of “facilities”, trust me when I tell you – I’VE WITNESSED SOME TWISTED SHIT!

At first he tried gaslighting it back to my insanity, but some but some friends set my phone up with a recording device to lure the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation, WHICH – HE DID, and then I proceeded to take said recording to Angie’s family and play it for them out loud! Yup! That happened. That really fucking happened! Sounds far fetched, I know, but let me assure you that the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissit” at his very best game EVER are all still alive to tell about it!

Meanwhile, some years later, in the irony of all ironies, despite the fact that he had always chastised the “pompous, showy affluence” in the small town I lived in, take a wild guess which “pompous, showy, affluent town” Jay and his now ex-wife chose to build their home in? Ding, ding, ding, ding ding! OUR TOWN! In fact, they built said home in the subdivision that abutted the one where my parents still live and was across the street from where I an my ex-husband used to live. So, imagine my surprise years later when I walked a then baby Gia to the park across the street from my home, only to find John’s wife and daughter playing there as well! I’m not gonna lie, I have long since wondered whether there was really any “irony” with that at all. But I’ve digressed.

Very long and sordid tale short, they eventually began working out at the Lifetime Fitness Center that was our “gym home” (and is still mine), and we would see them there often. At a certain point, in being polite, formal introductions were made, and my husband (who’s physical presence over-powered him by at least a half a foot and a hundred pounds) had even shaken his hand once. But trust me when I tell you, Zack knew ALL about “John and Angie”, and every time he saw me politely engaging John’s cordial conversations, he literally wanted to slit his throat. Both Zack and Gia had always said he looked like an actual snake (and now that I think of it, he really kinda does), and whenever Gia sees him she shudders with physical chills. AND GET THIS: Despite the fact that Angie and John had parted ways, such that he had married the blonde girl I ran into at the park, she too became a member at that gym. So, I saw them both there all the fucking time. But in my mind, bygones were now bygones, sooo …

In his defense, I must admit that I brought his last round of bullshit on myself. Not because I’m weak – BECAUSE I’M FORGIVING! He’d reached out to me not too long after Zack died, and I’d even agreed to meet him for dinner because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he’d somehow changed. Said dinner didn’t end well, and perhaps someday I’ll tell you why. As for now, I’ll reveal how this drama finally played out by showing you! If you pay close attention to the dates and times, you will clearly see it! Texting. Double-texting. “Feigned concern”.

MARCH 27, 2020

APRIL 5, 2020

APRIL 6, 2020

APRIL 12, 2020

APRIL 29, 2020

APRIL 30, 2020

MAY 10, 2020

MAY 24, 2020

JUNE 13, 2020

AUGUST 13 & 14, 2020

THE END!

Well, kind of! On Tuesday, February 16th, he texted me again. Then again. Then again.

To which my final response is this: I am unaffected, unimpressed, and laughing my ass off yet again. This fucking douche just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words:

STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST! STARVE!

MARCH 25, 2021: “86,400” …

PROJECT “FAMILY DINNER”?

SUCCESS!

This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.

TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO IS AT ODDS WITH YOURSELF OR “YOUR PEOPLE”:

It’s never to late to start again! Indeed it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.

“Hurt people” HURT people.

“Healed healed” HEAL people.

While no one REALLY knows what the end game here really is, I’m pretty dam sure that FORGIVENESS is the answer to the greatest cosmic mystery of all — “WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE?” You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for ANY of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you it’s EVERYTHING! Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well, and spend those seconds wisely, so that if you have to leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES”!

MARCH 24, 2021: “This Can’t Go Wrong” …

… ’cause the best laid plains just CAN’T go wrong … RIGHT?

Nope, I don’t want to be exposed “to the places no one goes”, and I will never again allow myself to “feel like a leper”! I won’t allow myself to be left behind in the caves I used to hide in from all the pressure, and as far as all those people who foolishly and fruitlessly attempted to arm-chair quarterback diagnose my “darkness”? As it turns out, it wasn’t really “darkness” in me after all. It was just the beautiful Light burning deep within my soul that burnt out all their eyeballs and made it look like I was “dark”! MY BRIGHTNESS FRIGGING BLINDED THEM! Only fire can survive fireeverything else just disintegrates!

I’ll betcha that twenty dollars I found in the laundry that I’m gonna be JUST fine as I walk through the doors of Bonefish tonight and laugh straight in the face of “adversity”. Nothing, no one, NEVER, EVER, NEVER is gonna steal this joy from my heart, the precious memories that are MINE, or the glorious CROWN on my “Real Cat” head! I, love, my, LIFE! Every single “beautifully chaotic” second of it. My reputation DOES proceed me … and that’s JUST the way that it is!

MARCH 23, 2021: “Taking The Crown” …

Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …

You,

Are,

AMAZING!

“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!

And remember …

It’s okay to scream out loud that you are WAY TOO GOOD for assholes and their toxic bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you too are a badass in your own right, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. DON’T LET ANYONE LOWER YOU TO THEIR “SURFACE LEVEL”. Make them rise to you, OR LEAVE THEM DOWN AT THE BOTTOM!

Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!

Okay, that’s all!

Love Cat

MARCH 22, 2021: “Life Up On Top Of The Bridge” …

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS …

You … are going … to be … OKAY! As long as there is still breathe in your lungs and you wake up again tomorrow morning, THERE’S STILL A CHANCE FOR YOU TO FIND THE LIGHT! The Moon does always fall. The Sun does always rise. I promise, promise, promise. All of which NOW reminds me of some THE MOST beautiful words I never knew I needed to hear until I heard them from a Swedish Flyboy on an American plane coming back from France

Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.

{Walt Whitman}

Chin up.

Knuckles out.

Keep the faith.

LIFE MUST GO ON

Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. They only remind you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way. But hope is not gone, ’cause The Sun always sets, The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal and joy seemed to last. Yesterday. Forever is gone. We have our misfortunes – the darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning … the promise awaits … and know that this life must go on. And the Sun always sets. The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. {Alter Bridge}

MARCH 17, 2021: “The Hidden Message” …

… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.

I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? And THEN I couldn’t sleep. I got up and started wrote “Desperado“. THEN it hit THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton of the most

What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really going on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that, yes, “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the onlybig picture” we were ever meant to understand.

… and, with that, I am STILL the LUCKIEST Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your “messages” are coming through louder and clearer every step of the way.

MARCH 16, 2021: “All Things New” …

… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away to a downtown staycation “King Williamson style” that once contained the $15 dollar gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds! Yah! THAT HAPPENED! Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasure yet again, making beauty from the most random things from the most extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!E

My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist – she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as ever known and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing, and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.

She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacy burning up through both their ashes to their “phoenix” ways of life.

MARCH 15, 2021: “I’m Free” …

Thank you so much to anyone who ever takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or reads this Diary. I know that I am a little “too much” of everything, and my open, raw, transparent vulnerability is NOT for the faint of heart. So be it, and I totally understand. There’s an ass for every seat, so if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good. In the meantime, I really AM trying so hard to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a “final destination”. Knowing there is an “end” in sight would make my journey static, boring, and “why bother”, if that makes sense. I’m thinking my journey IS “the destination”, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a “period”, ONLY ever a “semi-colon”, because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles that I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.

This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a LONG time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” platform, yet not forgiving the “HURT people” who have hurt ME. This morning I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is a fair enough chance that he will neither read my words OR accept them. But, I said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.

Dad, if you ever see this …

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Cathy

FREE

The sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

MARCH 13, 2021: “Desperado” …

Dear Dad: I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the text bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow”.

I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.

Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him out of the gauntlet so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray. I pray every day that he makes it out “the web”. I pray every day that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.

That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough for you, and he can’t keep up with all the “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!

I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing left of this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP! Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.

For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.

Thirty-three years ago I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”

So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, than surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.

Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!

The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over.

DESPERADO

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can
hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won’t snow and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the night time from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late.
{The Eagles}

MARCH 12, 2021: “Still Undefeated!” …

… that moment you see certain words strung together that instantly send your heart, mind and soul back through a lifetime of beautiful memories that became your reason for surviving UNDEFEATED! If you’ve read my story or know a SINGLE thing about me, you know that I should probably not be able to breathe anymore.

Yes, I’ve buried a child.

Yes, I’ve buried a husband.

Yes, I’ve watched three of the people I loved most in this world dying LITERALLY in front of my eyes. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I truly am THE luckiest queen on the face of this planet, despite all the heartache and sorrow that should have buried me by now. Win, lose or draw, NOTHING can take these memories from me, NOTHING can take take my crown, and NOTHING can steal my blind faith in God, OR my joy, OR my Light, because death really IS nothing at all.

MARCH 10, 2021: “My Grey-Aversary” …

On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest expressways in Dallas so that I could literally cry my fucking eyes out. It was as if Zack were singing these most beautifully haunting words himself to me, my daughter, and my son in a message straight from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we KNOW he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song yet, I cannot urge you enough to do so, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the “legacy” you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.

Today I will celebrate!

Today I will be thankful!

Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song. and I intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my insanely beautiful life.

COVID literally crashed our 5FDP concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter he wrote before he left. She knows the song exists, but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it to her live. THAT will be the night she gets the words he wrote “in case he was gone tomorrow”. Make it a powerful day, and PLEASE listen to this song. It may just change the trajectory of your legacy and how you look at “grey”.

MARCH 9, 2021: “They Walk Among Us” …

Some say forgiveness is for us and us alone, and I agree with that mindset whole-heartedly, with the exception of this one little caveat as far as the full extent of grace I am capable of extending to the TRULY evil “Devil’s Own” that walk amongst us. Yes, I have forgiven my husband’s “mother“, and his “brothers and sisters“, and even that pit viper “nurse” who in her 100% stable, not mentally ill mind, set out to DECIMATE not only my life, but my children’s lives as well.

I made the mistake of “verbal vomiting” to her about some things I’d been through in my life, and my mental illness as well. Trust me when I tell you, she knew exactly what she was doing, and exactly why her threats would work. In “pure evil” style, she used my once paralyzing fear of “what people would think of me” as the power and control in her “I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU’RE NUTS” game of chicken.

You see, at that point Zack and I were barely getting on our feet and our both our financial resources were extremely limited. Between the promise they would “tell everyone” and the constant “see you in court” threats, Zack and I were foolishly convinced that between my extensive mental health history and the lack of financial resources to fight them if they did take me to court, not only would we be “bled dry” (as my ex-husband used to famously say), but that we lose Gia in the process.

Knowing what I know now, and after everything was said and done, a court battle probably would have turned out in our favor. Was I a perfect mom? NOPE! Was I battling a mental illness? YUP! But was a “danger to society and other people’s children like she called all the moms to tell them? NOPE! Not so much! Meanwhile, I’m here to tell you, it takes a SPECIAL kind of “evil” to just wake up one morning and say, “Let me destroy her for sport because she GAVE me all her cards AND I CAN!”

Perhaps the worst part of what she did was how she even managed to turn Gia’s own father against her in the middle of one of her darkest storms. She had him convinced that, NOPE, Gia wasn’t really “being bullied, shunned and ostracized at school”, but that she too was just making things up as she went along. As a result, her dad believed that she, “like me”, was a lying, manipulating, “story-teller” who was simply jealous of his new girlfriend and her daughter. He refused to protect her. He refused to believe her. He refused to validate the sobering truths and realities about what was happening to her at that school, which to this day is a deep source of trauma to my daughter. She has “forgiven” her dad for the many ways he chose to stand in the corner of “that thing” and her daughter instead of hers, but trust me, she has never forgotten, nor will she ever.

THIS is what evil looks like:

It depends on where you are in your journey, whether or not you have fortified your “mental wealth” to IMPERMEABLE, and WHO you are disclosing your illness to. After my clinical diagnoses, while I was still in the early stage of my healing and recovery process, I made the grave mistake of sharing it with my ex-husband’s girlfriend. Not only was she in nursing school at the time, but she claimed to have had a background in the study and understanding of clinical psychology as well, so I really thought I could trust her. “First do no harm”, right? Well, just as sure as you’ve heard it said that “the devil will often appear disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted or needed”, she befriended me from out of the clear blue sky at a time when I was both mentally and physically down and out and desperately needed a friend. On the surface she was kind and thoughtful, and quickly availed herself to my process, always eager to lend an ear and whatever “support” she could offer. What I didn’t realize, however, is that what she was really doing was collecting information to use against me at a later time, which, in fact, SHE DID!

Quite early on in their relationship (which, for the record, I SET UP), things began spiraling between her and my ex. Neither of my kids could stand her (and STILL can’t to this day), as it was beginning to appear that ulterior motive behind her intentions was purely financial. Within two weeks of beginning to date, she all but moved her things into his house, and her rapid “indiscretions” within earshot of my son and his girlfriend (who were living at my ex’s at the time) didn’t help her case at all. Let’s put it this way … “that” was five years ago, but the nights of “her loudly moaning and screaming” (as if she wanted them to hear her) and the headboard banging against the wall are STILL the subject of fodder at many of our family dinners. Very long and disgusting story short, when things weren’t going exactly the way she wanted, she took all that information she collected – the weaknesses and vulnerabilities I’d shared with her from a truly trusting place- and bludgeoning me with it ALL! She began threatening to “tell everyone” at our very small private school about my “institutionalized nervous breakdown” and that I was a “Girl Interrupted borderline”. (Yes, that’s true by the way – I AM!) She incorrectly believed that I was the one responsible for turning my kids against her, as well as all the other moms at our school, and kept assuring me in no uncertain terms that “if I didn’t stop causing her problems”, SHE WAS GONNA TELL! She EVEN threatened to contact the Texas Real Estate Commission and my brokerage in attempt to have my real estate license stripped from me.

Fast forward to one day on the school playground where a group of fourth grade girls (who this woman’s daughter had overtly caused to socially shun and ostracize my daughter) surrounded my beautiful baby girl in a circle and proceeded to ask her: “Is it true that your mom is a sociopath and was in a mental hospital and she’s dangerous to be around?” Yes, my Quora friends, this is an absolutely true and verifiable reality! My right hand to God — IT HAPPENED! That pretty little VIPER had indeed called all the moms and spilled my beans for me. For the record, THAT day on the playground was the catalyst for my daughter’s “suicidality”, which in an EXTREMELY turn was one of the lynch pins in my husband’s ACTUAL suicide.

So, with that, I say to all of you reading this :: JUST BE CAREFUL WHO YOU SHARE YOUR ILLNESS WITH unless and until you are prepared for any potential backlash. Find a support system you can “trust with your life”! YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO HAVE “SAFE PEOPLE” YOU CAN LEAN ON! You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make your mental health recovery journey alone! But just remember that there ARE people out there who prey on other people’s darkness in order to make themselves, well, “GOD”. I call them “the Devil’s Own”!

Thank you all for listening, and by the way – HI EVERYONE! IT’S ME, “THE REAL” CAT WILLIAMSON! Yes, I am a recovering Borderline! Yes, I’ve had a nervous breakdown! No, I’m not ashamed of it ANYMORE! Yes, I’m a frigging BADASS now! And NOPE, I don’t care “who knows it”! But it took me a LONG time, A LOT of hard work, an a handful of unconditionally loving “safe people” for me to get here. I pray that for any of YOU who are just beginning your own journey to “the other side of the storm”.

{My response to the Quora question “Should you disclose your mental illness to others?”.}

Matthew 6:14 says: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Timothy 3:1-5 says: “There will be times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self and of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”

“Real Cat” says:

I really can forgive ANYONE for ANYTHING, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case by case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.

PURE EVIL

Wipe that smile off your face you immaculate disgrace, ’cause Heaven knows a prayer won’t save you now. You wear the halo of a saint to hide the venom of a snake, built your kingdom on a lie, so watch it all come crashing down! Now! You prophet of hate. You profit from faith. Truth-less, two-faced, two bit fuckin’ hypocrite, how does it feel? How does it feel? The day has come to pay for what you’ve done. Sinner revealed. Tell me how does it feel? So pure within your soul. Pure evil if your blackened heart believes in the righteous words you speak. You know Heaven will send hell for you and bring you to your knees … pray as your throne burns slowly. Now how does it feel? {Like A Storm}

MARCH 8, 2021: “The Fortress Behind These Walls” …

A dear friend of mine posted this today on his social media and it really hit me hard:

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice. From the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real. Leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE! You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “when they drop the ball … because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY, right?” You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK! So, you don’t trust ANYONE. And you don’t trust YOURSELF either. ESPECIALLY to choose people. To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲! The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

{Talon Harris with credit to “Inspired Jamila”}

Yes, I am a queen. Yes, I am healed, risen and SOARING after an entire lifetime of “walls”. Yes, I am thankful for EVERY thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to “ascend from” had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize OR receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me.

But HERE’S why his post upset me ….

“The fortress” in this post? He was my husband! He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their beautiful children right in front of my eyes!

SELFISH, TOXIC, ABUSIVE PARENTS:

Wake the fuck up and get your shit together! GET YOUR KIDS OUT OF TOXIC ENVIRONMENTS! PROTECT THEM! CHERISH THEM! VALIDATE THEM! HEAR THEM! CONSIDER THEM FIRST IN EVERY SINGLE CHOICE YOU MAKE FOR “YOU”! Worse yet, stop letting the people who hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate that cycle of “victimized brokenness” by handing it down to your innocently jaded children!

In the meantime, I’ll just keep PRAYING that someday I don’t “get that call” that a child I once knew swallowed a bullet because their SELFISH parents “deserved the life they deserved” and I have to show up at their funeral. But mostly, I’ll be praying that somehow they’ll rise above their “life behind fortress walls” and be able to stand in front of a mirror one day and say …

“I AM WORTHY of having support. I AM WORTHY of having true partnership. I AM WORTHY of love. I AM WORTHY of having my heart held. I AM WORTHY to be adored. I AM WORTHY to be cherished. I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise. I don’t have to earn it! I don’t have to prove it! I don’t have to bargain for it! I don’t have to beg for it! I AM WORTHY!”

MARCH 7, 2021: “Seventeen Butterflies” …

Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.

Their wreaths show up right after Thanksgiving and stay for the entirety of the month, and thereon into January. Gina Marie gets flowers and baskets many times throughout the year, but January 11th was her “one and only day”, as her duties called her elsewhere, and she left just as swiftly as she came, so of course it is never forgotten! After we split for the last time, her dad made his birthday visit apart from mine, and unbeknownst to me, took that year’s wreath home with him. One day when I was picking up Gia, I noticed it in his garage and asked him why it was there. “Umm, I don’t really know. I just took it for some reason. I didn’t want them just throwing it away.” With that, I asked him if I could have it so that I could perhaps use the beautiful red ribbon and the tiny, “feather butterflies” in her upcoming spring basket, which I did, and there began our family tradition of repurposing her Christmas wreath.

But then … THIS year! As par for the course now, after her birthday, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to do my thing. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened …

Hey, guess what I’m doing … I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.

Oh, good. There’s seventeen, right?

Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?

Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.

My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet another hidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.

MARCH 5, 2021: “The Tortilla That Made Me Cry” …

INDEED IT’S TRUE …

… a tortilla really DID make me cry this morning, but alas – Batman TOTALLY saved the day!

Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican Mama turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Some day if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …

You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”

Wait! What?

Much love to all of you! Goodnight!

MARCH 2, 2021: “My Naked Number” …

What’s YOUR “Naked Number”?

Mine is two! Only two men have ever really seen me naked, King One, and King Two, and two it may be forever. That being said, I am totally on board with “alone, not lonely” for the entirety of my journey if that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Lookit! Have ya met me? I’m the happiest person know, and I’m my very best friend, and “me and me” have a SHIT TON of light to shine upon the unsuspecting masses, and we’re doing just fine on our own.

BUT HERE’S THE DEAL …

I have long believed that three is the number of perfection. Under optimal conditions, the all consuming heat from my untamed heart could literally melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, so any man worthy of getting close enough to hold my heart in his hands is gonna have to be forged from ashes himself. The shadow of his Herculean phoenix wings will need to be even bigger than mine so that as he’s flying either above or behind me, everyone will see the flames of ALL my heart’s desires burning deep inside his eyes. His wings will need to eclipse the enormity of the two who led me before him, such that not only will he be confident enough to live with their lingering presences, but even more so will he embrace and honor them in gratitude for the treasure they left for him to find. The only thing that can survive a living fire is living fire itself. The ONLY one who belongs with a queen is a king.

Time will tell if there is to be “one last king” who gets to see me naked and read the very private the pages of my book, but DAMN that’s gonna be one lucky bastard. Trust me when I tell you, I really AM “everything, nothing, and ALL of it”, and that’s what he’ll be too.

SOUL SEARCHER

I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}

MARCH 1, 2021: “Why Flowers Give Me Butterflies” …

… because, he was a king like that!

“This Week’s Flowers”!

THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room! The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are indeed BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY, that I was priceless, and valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that “HE MADE ME A QUEEN, and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life” – “the flowers” are just one of many the reasons why!

Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but but “who he was” and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies my friends … it just slips into the next room.

Now then – go and get yourself some flowers – TODAY! You are worthy too!

FEBRUARY 27, 2021: “Falling Down In The Fog” …

… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, why it is my mantra, how I earned the endearing title of “Miss Red Hook 1922“, and why FOG is my other favorite color“.

Faith And Perspective.

The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, nor looming, nor haunting. I feel the mist as a cosmic hug from every moment and Creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, and ethereal, and POWERFUL – just like The One Who charged me in the first place to solve the greatest mystery of all: “Why?” Why do we suffer? Why is there pain? Why is there heartache and death? Indeed I’ve discovered the answer to that question, and here it is my friends: THERE ISN’T ONE! Not NEEDING to understand is the understanding.

Amidst all the fog is the Nirvana I’ve achieved as I’m free-falling off this cliff with truly blind faith that everything’s gonna be okay, not having to worry about all the details, and believing with EVERY fiber of my mortal being that The Cosmos WILL catch me in the end. It’s “nothing”, and “everything”, and “ALL OF IT” at once, like the oxymoronic carnival of joy that is my INSANELY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, before your journey here is over – you will. When that day comes, you will never be falling DOWN again – you’ll only be falling UP – and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing these words to you

I wept as I saw you aching, I broke as I watched you falling, and I suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, BUT I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything, nothing, and ALL OF IT”, you’re standing at My High Cathedral walls where nothing about your journey was meaningless or small. I love you. You are Home – warm, well fed and at peace.

WE FALL DOWN

Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause e fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}

FEBRUARY 26, 2021: “You Is Good! You Is Kind!” …

… YOU IS IMPORTANT!

Hi everyone, it’s me, your friendly, neighborhood “REAL CAT” with some life hacks for ya … not the LEAST of which is

LADIES AND/OR GENTLEMEN:

Before the clock strikes that hour when your beloved is gonna walk through your door, slap some lipstick on it, brush your teeth, and give that lucky person driving home to you right now a ‘lil somethin’ to look forward to! Oh, and clean out your jewelry box! Okay, that’s it!

Much love … Cat!

{PS}

If you’ve never seen “The Help“, I cannot recommend it enough. Not only is a MAJOR lesson for those who don’t fully understand the TRUTH about American history, but Viola Davis is probably one of my favorite actors of all times. Her portrayal of “Aibileen Clark” (who I mistakenly said was “Minnie” in the video) literally changed the way I speak to myself, EVERY, single, day – AND – the way that I hope MY daughter and HER daughters will “self talk to themselves” for as long as my legacy lives on. Just thought I’d share.

… what my “talk to myself time” used to look like. That was then. This is now.

FEBRUARY 23, 2021: “Say It Loud & Clear – In The Living Years” …

I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … CHECK IN ON YOUR PEOPLE! Yes, I know – we’re ALL busy. We ALL have issues. We ALL feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it. Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if you must. Just make the damn call or send the text …

Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!

Trust me when I tell you that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love this way, and also, it’s the right and “not selfish” human thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still to busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave! “Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?” AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find and to spare for the people in your life is gone – YA CAN’T HAVE IT BACK!

Here’s the good news:

If you’re a natural born “taker”, and not so much a “giver” – I get that too and can even somewhat appreciate it! There really is a place for each side of that “taker/giver coin”, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would any of us know what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core TRUTH!

… but here’s another “hard core TRUTH” …

One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying, “WAIT! Where are my people? WHO ARE MY PEOPLE?This is usually right around the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else (even when your OWN “crisis cards” were down) and going, “WOW! Really?” Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into true perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.

And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone that you are theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day I’m killing off “living people” left and right. “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m still the nicest BITCH ever!”

IN THE LIVING YEARS

Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}

FEBRUARY 21, 2021: “The Miracles Of My Moments” …

I’m the luckiest mom alive!

This was my past weekend, and I spent a fair enough amount of it going back and forth to “the chair” in my room to have a good bawl and thank GOD on my hands and knees as I was continually blindsided by the rhapsody that is still my life.

Time is fleeting!

Every second that I’m lucky enough to be “cool enough” for them to let their guards down around is precious! They’ll be 18 and off to college or living their lives before I know it. So? I savor EVERY silly moment with them – and – let them be KIDS as often as they want to! Hey, there are much worse problems to have then a car filled with noisy 15yo’s who not only ENJOY being with “mom”, but who still find joy in throwing snowballs. Am I wrong?

My joy this weekend wasn’t just about this snowball fight. It was one miracle moment after another. It was how they busted into my room to hang out in my closet, trying on my handbags, playing in my jewelry box, and literally “walking in my shoes”! It was hearing Gia stake claim to all Zack’s belongings as “hers and ONLY hers”, and even more so how she beamed with pride as she explained what he went through to not only get all those things, but to give the two of us everything our hearts desired after his own dismal childhood of having nothing at all.

It was about them sitting on my bathroom floor and including me in their “chick chat” for over an hour. Yes, I’m THAT mom who’s “in the know” and gets to be included in the sacred sanctum of their otherwise elusive teenage lives. Do you know how what a miracle it is to claim that highest honor? They hug me, and they talk to me, and they aren’t afraid to be their true selves in my presence without the fear of judgment.

Live ~ Love ~ Laugh

I am blessed by all of them … even the ones I didn’t give birth to. All my girls, and all those boys I was lucky enough to have camped out with me weekend after weekend when Christian was growing up. They’re the miracles of so many of my moments!

MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT

It’s time for letting go all of our “if only’s”, ’cause we don’t have a time machine. And even if we did, would we really want to use it? Would we really want to go change everything? ‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. So breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. It’s right there in front of you. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. There’s only One who knows what’s really out there waiting in all the moments yet to be. And all we need to know is He’s out there waiting. To Him, the future’s history, and He has given us a treasure called right now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. And if it brings you tears, then taste them as they fall and let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, then throw your head back and let it go … yeah – you gotta let it go – and listen to your heartbeat. Yeah, breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. {Steven Curtis Chapman}