Secrets Make Me Sick No Longer
Hi everyone! It’s me, REAL Cat, and it looks like I’m effing KILLING this whole “being myself” dealio! I literally AM an entire shit show magnanimous proportion, and I wouldn’t have me any other way! K, bye now! Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. EMERSON! Here’s hoping you’d be proud of my EPIC life accomplishment!
I’ve all but clung to those words for too many years to count. So, imagine how it felt when I saw them written in her social media bio. She’s going to be okay! She’s willing to put in the grueling work that’s required to achieve everything she wants in this life, not the least of which is hopefully repairing all holes we made in her heart. She’s her momma’s “fierce and resilient” protege 2 point frigging 2 0! Her resilience puts mine to shame. As fiercely resilient as my daughter … no, my MUSE has become in the wake of all the trauma she’s been through, the likes of which no one could ever conceptualize, there’ve been times in our shared pain, suffering, and “picking up the pieces” journey that I’ve wondered if she’s ever really going to be whole again.
As any parent of a traumatized child can attest, there’ve been so many prayers and cries out to God literally begging for signs.
Please, God, PLEASE, show me anything! Big … small … write it across the stars! I’m here and faithfully holding on to the hope that both my babies are going to rise above the cesspool we “adults” in this family tried drowning them in.
… then just like that … and always right on cue … I get a little glimmer that they’re both going to be okay.
I love you, Daughter … and I SEE YOU! And to my readers: I’m not gonna tell you what those words mean, by the way. I want you to pick them up and Google them for yourself, then let me know if you do, please, and tell me what the words mean to YOU! “Non est ad astra mollis e terris via.”
Meanwhile, although I am going to drop this here tonight, I’ll have to circle back around to the words I’ll need to find to properly memorialize this bittersweet day my nest officially emptied. While I knew this day was fast approaching, I must admit that I didn’t know it would actually be this soon. How ironic is it that only hours ago I dropped this comment on a fellow squirrel mom’s post about her preparing to slowly begin letting go of her rehabbed fur babies?
Granted, and as you can see from my Life 360 screenshot, she’s only 3.5 miles away, but nevertheless … the clock has INDEED struck midnight for this widowed momma. Here’s to the next open pages and chapters for us to write in separate but also VERY much not separated castles! As for now, I think I’m going to allow myself to sob myself to sleep uncontrollably … because … even though this is the way it’s always supposed to be, it doesn’t mean it can’t rip my actual heart out momentarily. Goodnight everyone, it’s me, CAT!
If you write or say the words, “thoughts and prayers”, PLEASE actually think about this shit and “pray”. Let your words, thoughts, and deeds MEAN something, whether or not you see the fruits of them. Look, I’m not claiming to have all the answers, people, and although I do have quite a bit more than just a mustard seed of deaf, dumb, blind, and possibly even “pointless” faith, what I do know for a fact is that nothing bad has ever happened to me as the result of hitting my knees like the 5 year old FAVORITE daughter of God at the foot of this divinely punctuated and never forsaken “panic chair” that’s seen way too many of heartaches, joys, triumphs, pleas for mercy, and endless tears of gratitude to count.
Win, lose, or draw, the world news these days is doing it’s best to keep me on an effing roller coaster of the highest highs and lowest lows. So? Imma just keep on keepin’ it REAL and make my intentions as bold and impeccable as possible considering my otherwise innately putrid human condition. I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen, right? There’s either Someone listening … OR there’s not … and just like Pascal said, there’s a 50/50 chance that Someone IS. I’d rather err on the side of caution … JUST IN CASE!
For the record, and lest I remind that, yes, we do all die young, relatively speaking, especially considering the bittersweet fact that we start dying the second we are born. So, say what you mean, mean what you say, THINK about your thoughts, and make every moment in between really count. Just SAYIN’!
Oh, and ONE last thing …
I may be a little late to the Horizon Theory music party – but – I’M HERE TO EFFING STAY! If you don’t already know this band, do yourself a favor and give them a listen and follow! Keep on keepin’ THAT shit real, Josh!
Besides, nothing I’ve ever been, done, or given for them has been a sacrifice. Being their mother is what I was created to be, and I don’t need a Macy’s Day Parade thrown in my honor to feel honored! Guess what, folks? I have, can, and will continue to bestow that seemingly elusive recognition upon myself like only a true queen can by continuing to walk in my “Power + Grace”! It’s who I am and what I was built for!
(“Apples & Martyrs“)
Yes! Yes, you CAN! You CAN “see yourself” for all the things big and small that you’ve been, done, given, and sacrificed for the sake of not just your babies, but so many others along the way. Sing your own praises today and ALWAYS! Regardless of whether anyone else ever noticed, acknowledged, or celebrated you as the true GIFT to humanity you are, bask in the light that adorns your head like a halo atop one of THE most powerful forces on Earth. Not only do all the rest of your sisters “In The Hood” (seen and unseen …. heard and unheard … known and unknown) know the truth of who you are and what you’ve given to all those who were in your care, up to and including any children you’ve mothered who weren’t even from your womb, but your God “sees” you, too. One sweet day we’ll all walk arm in arm as we finally get to meet Him and lay our beautiful tiaras at His feet. “Well done!”, He’ll say … mistakes included.
So, THIS just happened! I’m OFFICIALLY a mother-in-law! So much love to my son, Christian, and his WIFE, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Alexandra! Cheers to the beginning of an extraordinary new BLOOM on both our family trees!
Meanwhile, a dear friend of mine asked if I was even a little bit sad that they “ran away to Italy” to get married. My answer was an immediate and emphatic NO! They didn’t “run away” from anything … they ran WITH and TO each other … as it should be and SHOULD have been all the while. Besides, every SHRED of my being knows that the entire collective of both our families’ “people” have been surrounding, protecting, and supporting them throughout the bittersweet journey that led them to finally saying “yes” to themselves and “NO” to anything and everyONE who ever tried to stand in their way.
I’m not gonna lie, but when I close my eyes and imagine the shadows, spirits, and ancestral love that’s pushing them forward, it reduces me … to peace … and bliss for them and their future. I couldn’t be any prouder of these two warriors standing TOGETHER victoriously on a battlefield neither one of them EVER signed up for. They will be blessed. So am I.
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Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na.
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Up until a certain point, I really had “spent all my life wondering why the bad luck always came so easy”, ever so painfully aware that the worst things in life really did appear to be free. Then one day I opened my eyes, stood back up, picked up my bloodied sword and scratched, dented, and exquisite tiara off the ground, and walked out of the ashes like the risen QUEEN I have become!
So much love to my son, Christian, and his WIFE, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Alexandra! Cheers to the beginning of an extraordinary new BLOOM on both our family trees!
(“With Love From Italy!)
As LUCK would have it, all those days that cut so deep and pain that no one sees? They’re all MY scars and GOOD luck to keep, and no one can ever take them from me! They’re out loud and living proof through my children that we’re all still alive and well here to talk, laugh, cry, support one another, and sometimes even rage about our former lives in the once ass-backwards and crumbling “empire” that was laid out before us all in this shit show of a “family”. The pain was our lesson to learn and let go so we can make new paths of our own, one bold step at a time. Pray God!
… because you know you’ve done at least one thing right when you’ve raised a boy into a man who “when in Rome” on a highly secretive special ops mission with his beloved … while tracing the footsteps of our great, great, great, GREAT “Uncle Marcus” (Aurelius) and countless other survivor ancestors in the shadow of the epicenter of what I believe is the most important living symbol of the rise and fall of civilizations, military strategy, and civic administration … stops … to take time … to notice a frigging CROW!
THAT’S my son, friends, and he is his mother’s child! Despite his kinda rough and tumble appearance and how he’s decided to build his own empire, has the heart and soul of a true animal-loving empath that runs far deeper than any human eye will ever see or mind will fully conceptualize. Oh, and by the way? I MADE HIM! Just thought I’d share. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!!
(no one): “Okay, so, lemme get this straight? She cooks … bakes … sews … sculpts … paints … rolls muscle on a stick … can change her own oil, tires, and wheels … can rock a pair of kitten heels like NOBODY’S effing business one day and a machine gun the frigging next … and she’s smart, kind, caring, compassionate, and extraordinarily beautiful? Yah, right!”
… but why would we wanna blend in when we are drenched in gold? Never far … never out of reach … the embers in the dark lay quiet … burning just beneath. Isolated … complicated … girl, we found a way to make it out ALIVEA (and not feel so alone)! These days, when I look at you, I see that you’re just like me … a misfit runaway with gold plating underneath. I love you, Gia, and literally couldn’t be any prouder to call you “daughter” if I tried.
(“Never Ordinary“)
No, she really wasn’t ever ordinary. Through the darkest nights, she was born to shine but, but truth being told, “when I look at her” I see that she’s really not just like me. She’s “Me 5.0”! All the best parts of me burn through her even harder and brighter than can possibly be put into words. Lol! I’ve always said that someday when I grow up I hope to be more like her and less like me, but let’s face it – I am who I am – it is what it is – and “growing up” just isn’t on my short list. For now, I’ll just be her crazy Peter Pan momma, flitting about happily in my own little world in the tailwind of her stardust.
On this day WAY back in 1910, Theodore Roosevelt, a fellow stoic, delivered a speech called “Citizenship in a Republic,” which would come to be known as “The Man in the Arena”:
… meanwhile, in true “REAL Cat” style, I thought perhaps I’d tweak this one up a little by bringing it into a mid-2020’s, err, lack of sensibility and maybe even making a “long story” even longer and wordier … because … THAT’S WHAT I DO:
… and so, with that, I say THIS to all you “Statlers & Waldorfs” sitting up in the peanut gallery heckling and criticizing the actual players ’cause ya think you know SO much more better how to handle “anything and everything”: Have you ever considered that you really have got way too much damn time on yours hands while you’re just sitting back watching all the time tick tickin’ away, when you could just jump on in to that arena and DO SOMETHING about all these five o’clock news blues calamities you’re … err … “spectating” from the sidelines? SHUT UP or PUT UP! Ya know what I’m sayin’? Great! So glad we got that settled! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Happy Easter, everyone! HE IS RISEN! Meanwhile, never forget that it’s wasn’t just the nails:
He received 39 stripes because 40 was known to kill a man. They wanted him alive! They held handfuls of his beard, and hair and pulled it out by the roots. They wanted him alive! They kicked, punched, and spit on him for hours until there wasn’t a single spot on his body not covered in blood. They wanted him alive! They shoved a crown of thorns down on his head so harshly it stuck in his skin and skull. They wanted him alive! After hours of being beaten, mocked, whipped, flogged, and tortured, they made Him walk with a cross. They made Him carry it. A rough piece of wood with splinters digging into fresh wounds. They wanted him alive! They wanted Him to feel every ounce of pain they could bring. He HAD to feel it in order to heal us. Crucifixion was historically one of the cruelest most tortured deaths a human could face … hours upon hours of torture … torture most of us can not mentally think of because that kind of cruelty just isn’t normal and isn’t something our minds can comprehend. We celebrate Easter with pastel colors, happy children hunting eggs, and chocolate bunnies. The truth is that there was absolutely nothing happy about the day Jesus died. It was cruel, bloody, and nasty. He could have stopped all of it. He could have called every angel in Heaven to demolish every person standing and shouting “Crucify Him!” He didn’t. He knew that in order to have a Sunday, you have to have a Friday. He knew that in order to have joy, you have to carry your cross. He felt everything that day. He felt how your heart broke wide open when you had to watch your baby die. He felt how heavy your life was when you were staring down the barrel of a gun wondering if the man you call husband was going to shoot you. He carried the weight of the burden you have felt since your spouse died and life just doesn’t seem right anymore. On that cross, he held the rapists, murderers, sinners, and saints, leveling every playing field, and saying, “ALL of you are worth it!” He knew He had to carry the cross, but He never promised that the cross you’d have to carry in this life would not be heavy. HIS WASN’T! His promise is that Sunday is coming. No matter how heavy your Friday was today, be it financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically, such that the burden of that cross you bore all but crumbled and leveled you under its weight, His promise was simply this: He will never make you carry it alone. Now, tell me? What kind of king would step down from his throne for this? For me? For you? For this “humanity” we have become? Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God did! He did every bit of it for you and me. Oh, yes, it’s SO heavy to carry the crosses in our life that we sometimes think we can’t even take one more step with. But look up, my friends … because Sunday is coming!
{Author Unknown}
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Well, folks? Who’da ever thunk I’d discover that there is, indeed, such thing as “World Solitude Day” … aaaaand TODAY’S the freakin’ day!
As far as I’m concerned, loneliness is rarely ever about the empty “physical spaces” within which so many of us dwell. Rather, it’s about the empty space in a person’s soul where they carry the weight of all the unspoken words and truths they’ve managed to convince themselves not to “think, speak, or feel” because they simply don’t feel safe enough to share them with anyone, including themselves.
In my experience, however, true healing and growth are about spending as much time as is necessary to figure out what matters most in your world (regardless of who you either do or don’t dwell in your spaces with) then learning how to SPEAK it ALL so that YOU are no longer alone with it! It’s how you let yourself be truly SEEN for what and who you really are, which (ps) in the oxymoronical twist of all twists is, indeed, how YOU attract the most important person in your life who you will EVER be in a relationship with …
… aaaaand THAT, my friends is how you become the BEAST who is “alone” but not “lonely“! Thoughts? Drop me a comment if you dare! I’d love to hear from you.
One year ago today, Daughtry released this most powerful tribute to what I believe is the most beautiful form of human existence there is:
Meanwhile, can I just tell you about this vase you see pictured here? My beautiful Mother gifted it to me from The Smithsonian Store catalog over thirty years ago, and it’s been one of my most prized possessions ever since. If you didn’t already know, “cloisonné” is a decorative art form wherein colored enamel paste that’s fused together with thin metal strings is applied to a metal base, thus creating intricate, shiny designs as the reflective material is woven in between the usually colored enamel. It’s a mosaic MASTERPIECE … kinda like ME:
Dear GOD, I really am the luckiest girl on this Earth and surely Your most FAVORITE daughter! Thank You for breaking me over and over and over. There’s LITERAL gold woven in between all the pieces that are ME. Just sayin’!
… and oh, yah, just know that all the things you own are borrowed, and all you get to keep is all you’ve shared, which is, consequently, why I am sharing THIS with all of YOU!
THEN, when you’re done “knowing that”, memorize this beautiful GREY circle of wisdom, or MAYBE even tattoo it on the inside of your forearm so you’ll never forget to remember what IS in your control and what’s NOT.
THEN, pick up a sword … or a hammer, kitchen knife, machete, chainsaw, or whatever da fu€k you feel like wielding as your gun slinging it through the saloon doors of your life … RISE UP to your very own “Power + Grace“, and maybe even cut yourself some slack for all the insanity in between. Are we clear, folks?
And oh, yah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY “Brighter Side Of Grey“! You’re my fave!
In honor of his eight-year SoBirthday today, I’m dropping this here in The Diary tonight so that one day when my grandkids find this virtual love letter I’m painstakingly writing to leave behind for them once I’ve crossed over to The BSOG, they’ll understand how he helped me help them become the epic, bullshit free, perfectly mistaken, and impeccably flawed human beings they’re gonna become!
And “SO”, with that: Dear Grandbabies, this is Ivan … “The Man … The Myth … The LEGEND’“!
This bittersweet and powerful Netflix “Famous Last Words” interview of Eric Dane with a final message to his daughters was meant to be released and aired after his passing from a battle with ALS. Well? Sadly, he did, indeed pass today. Ugh.
Look, if you know anything about me by now, you know that I’m a ball of sometimes extremely polarizing emotions that I wear out loud and either proud or not so proud on my sleeves. If you know me even better than well, you know that while it doesn’t take much to bring tears to my eyes, especially when it comes to tender, sweet, and bittersweet moments involving my children and animals, getting me to cry tears of “pain and suffering” is becoming harder and harder as the days pass by. Perhaps I’m numb. Perhaps I’m not even alive anymore and I’m just a lost and wandering soul with a not that put together shell and really questionable, err, “outfits”. These “famous last words”, however, literally wrench my soul, and you best believe that it took me all of 120 milliseconds to drop it here in the Diary which is, by the way, nothing more or less than a virtual love letter to my babies … and their babies … and their babies.
I’m not gonna lie, I never watched the show he was on, wasn’t a fan (since I didn’t know his work), and didn’t know a thing about him. Lol, I was “yesterday years old” when I finally put it all together and realized he was that “Dr. McSteamy” I’ve oft heard about from other women. What I do know, however, is he was a husband and a father and these final words to HIS babies are impeccable. Godspeed, Mr. D. Godspeed.
On this day two years ago, my beloved Shinedown released this ode, if not love song to honor anyone who struggles with their self-reflection and identity. As for ME? I, myself, am an out loud and PROUD, err, “highly symptomatic” if not overtly problematic human enigma prototypes who was, indeed, sent here to disturb the balance! Not only could my self-reflection not be any clearer now, BUT …
One has either to take me as I am, or LEAVE me as I am, but (ps), I DON’T REALLY CARE! One cannot change me … much less can one disturb my balance. THIS masterpiece of a human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else, for I am made of the literal stardust my only Father spun right out of His perfect hands … which as far as I’m concerned makes me practically and PERFECTLY imperfect!
Much love to my spirit animal, Franz Kafka, for penning the words that I would eventually embody in such a paradoxical fashion! It is beyond my own comprehension that I became so lucky that I “GET” TO LOVE ME, “fuckin’ perfect flaws and all“, and almost always despite myself! Just sayin’!
Just a handful of wisdom nuggets from me to you on this day of celebrating all things LOVE! Some of these lessons I had to learn the very extremely hard way, while others I unfortunately learned a little too late. In the meantime, as you continue growing into your futures together, remember …
If you don’t speak, resentment will. Silence and avoidance are rarely ever “peace” … THEY’RE POISON! Always at least try to talk things through before you close your eyes at night, because communication is the key to every relationship in this life, and without it, even the strongest of relationships can just die.
It doesn’t take rocket science for me to know that eventually you’ll all be married. Well, at least that is this mother’s prayers have come true. Marriage is never just “50/50”, by the way … it’s “100/100” depending on the circumstance. There’ll be days “you carry her”, days “she carries you”, and that balancing act of generosity and patience is important. Don’t forget this!
Forgiveness doesn’t always erase the pain. It can, however, build trust. Sometimes you’ll forgive but never forget. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! You’re only human after all. Moving forward in moments like that are a choice you’ll have to choose. Lower your armor and don’t become enemies.
Never stop doing all the little things for each other, because THOSE are the glue that will keep you bonded through thick and then, and believe it or not, it’s the little things you’ll remember the most when all is said and done.
Last but not least, yeah, love really does hurt you sometimes, and no, it really isn’t so easy to find. So, this is me hoping that all your collective searching really is over and that win, lose, or draw and hell or the highest of waters, you’ll always be standin’ there for when the other turns around. In the meantime, I love you all to The Moon and back … and back … and back!
… and in the spirit of keeping accurate, sound, and truthful accounting records of my life, I misspoke. “June 28, 2008 was the first time I’d heard of either 3 Doors Down OR the song “The Real Life”. Although I’d written my “Hey, God? It’s me, Cat” letter on May 30, 2008, just a month before running away to France when I first heard “The Real Life”, I later went back and paired “Away From The Sun” with that Diary entry. Either way, this man, this band, and his multitude of powerful lyrics and beyond faithful testimony are, indeed, why I’m still hanging on here today.
Well, you’ve done it, man. It’s your time. You’ve made it back Home CLOSE to The Son! Now, we’d love for YOU to keep US lifted up in prayer every chance you get. GOD loves you …WE loved you … SEE YA!
… and once you fully understand and adopt this core value into your way of thinking, your life and perceptions about almost everything will change. If you dig into his philosophies, you’ll find they have a profound way of permanently rooting themselves deep within your psyche and opening your mind to wisdoms and ideals you never even knew existed and reframing your thoughts to get the most out of your daily reality. For the record, I have long since added Mr. Watts to my “Lucky Charms List” of people I’ve had most wanted to sit and have a bowl of cereal with while discussing life.
I saw these breathtaking pictures on Instagram this morning that were nothing more than simple shots a woman had snapped of her view from the window on the morning drive to school … and I started thinking. How lucky am I that regardless of the lifetime’s worth of darkness that has relentlessly enshrouded me that I’m still able to see extraordinary beauty in the most random places, situations, SOULS, and things that are otherwise “nothing special” that some people actually find hideous? If you know me well, you know that I literally am “God’s favorite daughter”, and yes, I thanked Him profusely afterwards for gifting me with sight that sees “mundane magic” all around me, even when I’m not looking for it.
Note that the original pictures she’d posted were much brighter and vibrant than the ones above, but I chose to edit them with a darker filter so the quotes would show up better. I’ve posted her original pics below so you can really appreciate them! Thank you SO much, Jeanie Gontier, for not just giving me permission to use them this way, but even more so for taking them in the first place. You, my dear, are my kind of people!
I’d been meaning to find the FURfect time to share this astounding news, but I’m officially an official SQUoctologist with a SQUoctorate from the illustrious and SQUEXTREMELY competitive and if not impossible to get into Squirrel State University! Oh, don’t worry kids! Just because I’m a SQUoctor now, it doesn’t mean I can’t still relate to those who aren’t in the SQUmmunity with me and other SQUarents.
By the way, SQUank you very much to my dear friend Christy and her daughter, my nieclet, Princess Josilyn Aneal for not only helping me track down my diploma months ago, but SQUalerting me to the previously unknown SQUact that today is SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY! I love you both so much! MUAH!
FUR the record and in case you didn’t know yet, YES! Yes, i FURRY much DO love this little girl pictured below! She and her family have brought more true joy to my life this last year than I can even put into words. Lol! There’s a reason I decided to call her page “The Daily Dose Of Vivienne”, because she’s LITERALLY a natural! It’s nearly impossible to be in a bad mood with her in my window!
Unfortunately, I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to blog out something “fresh and new” for my Gina Marie’s 22nd birthday, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m having a really, really, REALLY hard time these days. As a matter of fact, it’s the first time in all her prior birthdays I’ve NEVER missed a beat that I don’t have a basket to take to her grave. Honestly? I’m not even sure I’m going to her grave today. I’m not a “steel magnolia” at the moment … I’m beyond fragile … especially as I’m writing this with the “January 11th” waves all but consuming me. “This too shall pass”, I know this all too well, but as for now …
“I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“, because although you may have never met me, I want you to know that these are the kind of things that brightened up my greys and mattered to me the most. They’re amongst the many Earthen treasures “I’ve borrowed” (as they were never mine to keep in the first place), so, I’m sharing them with you in this “virtual love letter” I’ve been writing to you for years now. I hope you’ll enjoy reading about not just him, but the many other beautiful beings I’ve truly loved, enjoyed, cherished, and admired along the way. And remember … “Animals are people, too”!
Craig was an Amboseli National Park legend, one of Africa’s last great super tuskers, and one of the most photographed elephants in the world. He was known world-wide for his magnificent, ground-sweeping tusks, and calm, majestic presence, and lived a long, protected life before passing away of natural causes today. His legacy will live on through his calves, beloved caretakers, all who were lucky enough to witness him in person, and everyone else like me who had the privilege of getting to know him through social media.
A Kenyan elephant believed to have been one of Africa’s largest male tuskers has died of old age. The pachyderm, fondly known as Craig, died of natural causes on Saturday morning at Amboseli National Park in southern Kenya, conservationists confirmed. “Craig had just turned 54 years old. He led a long life and no doubt fathered many calves,” said the Amboseli Trust for Elephants in its farewell message. Famed for his long tusks, Craig the elephant was a major attraction at the park near the Tanzanian border. In 2021, he was named an ambassador for the popular Kenyan lager brand Tusker – a name also used for adult male elephants with tusks. The Kenya Wildlife Service described Craig as an “icon” of successful conservation.
(BBC.com)
… and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead to take us ALL back around the The Sun again, God willing. To know me well is to know that I am TRULY in love with every minute of every day that I “get” to partake in this bittersweet, beautiful, shit show of a fucking CIRCUS we call life. Some may find me morbid, macabre, pessimistic, “doom and gloom”, or obsessed with the thought of Death. I am not. Quite the contrary, actually – BUT – i AM a stoic … AND a realist … and if dancing with “Death” has gifted me anything, it’s my absolute peace with death and understanding about the brevity of mere existence. So, with that, as you begin what will hopefully prove to be YOUR next beautiful trip around our fiery girl in the sky … “MEMENTO MORI”: Remember that you have to die! Let my words and my story be a sobering, LIFElong reminder to make each of the 86,400 seconds of your next 365 days REALLY count. Live today, not tomorrow, because unless you’re God or an immortal jellyfish, tomorrow isn’t promised. “… and if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out.
… and in keeping with Memento Mori Day today, enjoy this un momento of the brand new year … but, umm … YOU KNOW the rest:
In honor of “World Introvert Day” today, please allow me to once again remind you of what an epic level WEIRDO of “flawed design” MAGNIFICENCE you have floating about your atmosphere …
To know me is to love me or sometimes even hate me. Wait! Scratch that! To know me is to love me … or hate me … and only think you know me, but no, you actually don’t, ’cause for Christ’s actual sake, NO ONE really does (sometimes not even me), and also, I don’t really give two FUCKS whether you love me or hate me ’cause I LOVE ME enough for both of us! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Not only are my monsters real, indeed, and trained oh, so very well, I’m not sitting here trying to fool anyone into believing they’re not right beneath my skin and pulsing through my bones. Am I proud of them? NOPE! But am I fucking proud that I am NOT like the mass of “others” walking the face of this planet wearing “sparkly, shiny, beautiful ” masks and disguises? YOU BET YOUR EFFING ASS I AM!
Meanwhile, me, myself, and all my pets have found THE safest home we will possibly ever know in this sanctuary I call “I”! As a matter of fact, we’ve even hung pictures and curtains in here and decorated with flowers and skulls! Besides, we don’t ever fall in love with people because they’re “good”, now do we? No! We only ever truly fall in love with people whose monsters from the dark side we can clearly see, recognize, and even walk beside of as they’re taking them out for a stroll. So, as for now, I guess I’ll just have to keep on loving all of me … the good, the bad, and the ugly! Guess what, people? IT’S ALLOWED! Happy Birthday, Sir Anthony, by the way, and shout out to this epic song that has become the voice of so many of the voiceless adult children who grew up in haunted houses and no fucking clue as to how to go about repairing the shattered MESS their parents left scattered across their floors.
🌸
… fast forward to today:
YES, her Prince Charming brings her flowers constantly … but YES, she either buys or picks them for herself, too … and YES, making sure there are fresh flowers on my kitchen counter at all times will always be one of my favorite and most powerful mental wealth hacks and ways to continue “stealing The Sun from the sky” and staying in perpetual flight!
… and that was the day I met the first, last, and only man I’d ever truly love for the rest of my days on this Earth …. to infinity and beyond … and The Moon and back.
“If you ask me, he’s walked on water since before he could talk. One look at him, and I forget the miles he drove me up a wall! Each first day, ’til he was driving, I’d see him off and start to cry. Even though he’s all grown up, some things never change. Every time that he falls down, I’ll be there to carry the weight. If you ask me, he’s done made it. I swear he’s a superstar! To me, those AK’s that he’s making might as well be Fenway Park! I love to tell my friends about him and show ’em pictures on my phone. I’d say that my favorite one is the day I brought him home. I’ve bent God’s ear for him until it breaks, and any time he goes through hell, yeah, I’ll gladly take his place. Yes, I still dream for him … pray for him … want more than the whole world for him … forget all the hell he ever raised! I only ever see him one way … like he was born yesterday.”
Unlike the lyrics to this song, however, my son has never really “driven me up a wall or put me through that much hell”. He’s been an absolute JOY to raise. Truth being told, he’s my doppelgänger, and win, lose, or draw, and come hell or highest of waters, to know us is to love us, but we are who we are and make no apologies for it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Christian Peter! Momma loves you! Thirty-three years ago LITERALLY to the second this is being posted, you were “born yesterday”! Keep working on your Fenway Park, by the way! Momma’s got your six all the while! Actually? No! I have your entire CLOCK!
One year ago today, Sick Puppies released what I believe to be their most powerful song since “White Balloons“, “Odd One“, and “Creatures“. With that, I feel it only fitting that we take a good hard look at these impeccably written lyrics:
Far be it from me to break the news to ya, my friend, but this “creature” you become is nothing more than the living embodiment of emotional dysregulation, i.e. having difficulty managing your emotions and the way you react to them, which in turn can lead to extreme if not inappropriate outbursts. It’s not a diagnosis, by the way, but rather, a description of how our emotions are managed, or rather should I say – MISmanaged.
A person’s inability to regulate emotions can, however, be a symptom of very serious mental health conditions. Do you have trouble calming down when you’re upset? Do you experience rapid mood swings or struggle with impulsive behaviors and thoughts? Well, my advice to you is call a mental health professional ASAP! With the right help and the willingness to face your ‘lil monster in the mirror, you CAN take it down!
Perhaps one of my favorite things about myself is that I haven’t become the monster I probably should have after all the trauma I’ve survived in my life. I mean, could I have used it all as an excuse to rage against humanity? Yes, I suppose so. Actually? Now that I think of it, there was a time in my life when I did! “It was kinda like a storm!” … and by “it”, I mean THE CREATURE I once WAS! One thing we all need to understand about extremely kind, nice, and loving people, however, is that their other side is just as extreme. It’s the hell they survive that makes them gentle, so, don’t mistake their self-control for weakness. The beast in them is merely sleeping, not dead.
So, umm, exactly how many stoic quotes from a bunch of dead philosophers can you throw at us in this Diary, Cat?
Although all these dead guys are, indeed, DEAD, that their wisdoms have survived the test of time only proves their modern relevancy. We live in a world chock full of black and white thinkers who think in extremes without even trying to consider the MANY different facts, angles, and perspectives of a situation. Umm, hi, there! Not only did I use to be one of them, such rigidity was almost my downfall! The ancient philosopher mindsets, however, continue to remind us about the many beautiful shades of grey in this all.
With that, and in honor of the 40th birthday of one of THE best movies of all, my beloved Rocky IV, please let me remind you that there is SO much more to see here than really meets the eye, and even MORE at stake if you somehow miss the memo. Remember: RIGID things break, but FLEXIBLE things can bend, twist, and MOVE like a butterfly when life’s stinging you like a bee.
Meanwhile, if I can change, YOU can change! I am, after all, the embodiment of survival of the fittest. I’ve “adapted, overcome, bent, twisted and SURVIVED” by refusing to just keep standing there rigid and stubborn as FUCK while life’s wolves tried to devour me.
Changes … time’s making changes in my life. Rearranging … can’t seem to stop the hands of time. I remember … I was so young … I was much too young to see. Now I’m older … growing older … and I see things differently. Faces .. strange faces cloud my mind. Empty traces … make it hard for me to find. Somewhere in the distance, is there Someone who awaits for that moment I am taken over by the hands of fate? Oh, can’t you see? It’s changing you and me. Time’s makin’ changes. Time’s makin’ changes in my life. Times rearranging … it’s changing you and me. {Tesla}
My beloved Grandpa Ernie who shared this birthday with Judge Caprio grew up on “The Hill” as well, and my father and his three brothers were students at the high school he spoke of teaching at during the day before driving to Boston at night. Since my father was Class Of ’65, they’d have likely walked the same corridors of that place together. For all I know, Judge Caprio may have even taught my father.
For the record, I’ll never see a can of peaches the same way again. In fact, I’ll be buying a can at the market this week and putting it my kitchen to honor Judge Caprio and this epic if not saint like sPEACH! “Frankly”? The man should be canonized. Meanwhile, I once saw this powerful tribute to another of humanities treasures, Keanu Reaves:
Few are the people whose characters are befitting of such impeccable words. Judge Caprio, however, was one of them (as was my Grandpa). If you don’t already know who this enigmatic bastion of kindness and treasure to humanity was, it’s not too late to get to know him now. His life changing wisdoms and nuggets will be honoring not just his forefathers but mine and so many others’ as well throughout the ages! I’d also like to think that I’m honoring MY forefathers and following their footsteps by showing kindness and compassion to as many people I can, up to and including strangers, and that I’ve raised two kids who are as well. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Judge Caprio and Grampy!
… and I am never not mindful of the people in this world who fall into the deep psychological despair and depression that come and go with the seasons. For me, days like this are nothing less than God’s way of wrapping His arms around me with all the most beautiful shades of grey that He knows I love so much and telling me I’m safe, loved, and always “at home” no matter where I roam or what seemingly dismal circumstances surround me.
It’s days like this that call me back home to the happiest days of my childhood, especially when followed by a rainbow to remind me that I’m not just all the darkness that still lives deep within me courtesy of the demons that tried but failed to take my soul, many of which weren’t even my own. It’s days like this when I truly AM the living embodiment of “Power + Grace” and all the beautiful Light and colors I’ve become. It’s days like this when I’m the happiest. It’s days like this I’m the most at peace. It’s days like these when I’m thankful.
… as depicted by one of THE most powerful movie quotes of all times AND three tiny little ants. As a parent, knowing you’ve often literally broken your own back and sometimes even your heart and soul just to push them up, out, and to the tops of the cliffs they have to navigate on their own is perhaps the most beautiful and bittersweet double-edged sword of all times. The good news is that IF we’ve done our jobs well, we won’t just be “ghosted” in the dust from their blazing trails, but rather, “allowed”, if not welcomed and encouraged to remain a part of their journey … but even so.
Maybe that’s why I’ve heard so many grandparents say THAT is where some of us will reap our greatest rewards in this whole “raising them to leave us” dealio. Am I enjoying this new found freedom to “do, be, and go” anywhere in this world I want to and live life like Peter Pan with no more “hands on” motherhood responsibilities? Yes. Yes, I am. But am I looking very much forward to that day hopefully soon to come where I get to start helping push even MORE little ants over their hills? YOU BETCHA!
Until then …
Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! I’m the REAL Cat Williamson who officially has two children who don’t “need” me anymore, but, still seem to “want” me around. For that, I am ever so grateful. I get to be their “friend” now, too, which is really kinda cool.
In closing, I would now like to drop a link to one of the spirit animals of my music life whose birthday is today. It is, perhaps, THE greatest soliloquy to all the odd ones out there who are either hiding in plain sight, or running around like a hot pink gift bag. May it live on in eternally through the freed hearts, souls, and minds of those of us who boldly reflect it and no longer live inside the prison walls of “general consensus”.
If, like me, you are an out loud and proud, never intended to be mass-produced, original prototype FREAK of designed by The Master’s hand who has not yet heard this gem … ENJOY! If, on the other hand, you’re wrestling with yourself inside a plain brown boring box because it either doesn’t fit, is fucking boring, or you just know you were meant for something better than a cookie cutter human experience … may the words to this ode to my family of one and only’s become your new mantra and fight song as you find the courage to BURST the fuck out of the norm and into the first and BEST edition of YOU! We’ll be waiting for you with our “Open! Open! Open!” neon lights on, and, yes, we will reflect you, too!
(“Ode To The Odd Ones!)
… and here’s to all you other “Blue Moons” like me who are running around out there just decking out other peoples’ atmospheres with your mere EXISTENCE which is, indeed, the GIFT of a dream come true that most people never knew they needed! WE are the pattern alterers, my beautiful Odd One friends! WE ARE THE BLUE MOON GIFTS!
The Diary Of My Perfection 