One of my greatest treasures in life is the beautifully cryptic way my son communicates with me, and only me, by sending me “music messages. He’s been doing it since age 16 after I finally left our home in search of a different ending to the story I knew desperately needed to change:

The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time and just days before I had my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans and true friends), but until the moment I got the “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. Lol, and as is par for the course in this Diary, I have once again digressed …

“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

(“That Music Thing“)

His messages come at the most random times, and often in the wee hours of the morning, which is always bittersweet, because as every parent knows, those 3am texts from your kid can invoke momentary nightmares only a parent can understand. Thanks be to GOD that regardless of the alarm that stops my heart every time I hear his text tone, so far they’ve only ever been his “communication”.

His latest message arrived this morning at the absolute craziest moment, and the instant I got it every ounce of adrenaline in my body dumped right back into my soul in all the most beautiful ways. I was standing at the end of my driveway in an abyss of fog like no other I’d ever seen and had no idea why I’d been so compelled to walk right into and stare at it. As you read in my response to him above:

I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.

Yet something made me want to take the picture, and as seen in the text, as soon as I held the camera up to take the shot, his text arrived. What in the actual HE JUST DID THAT, didn’t He? And no, I don’t mean Christian. It was Him! I just know it! It was God … or maybe Zack … or maybe all of “my people” phoning it in from their perfectly mistaken quarters in the sky. It was “Someone” or “Something” infinitely beyond this place set that ethereal moment up JUST for me! The Cosmos was beckoning me with its “message in the fog” music alchemy at that one perfect moment in time because it NEEDED me to plant my feet back on solid ground.

After I took the picture, I stood frozen in that moment and just listened to the words. Yes, it’s dark, and, indeed, somewhat tragic, but oh my GOD is it ever beautiful, and such is the story of my life. Its haunting chords called me right back to the shore like an actual foghorn in the dead of night, and what are the chances something like this would happen for me “out of the grey” just like that?

It’s half past one here in Dallas and the fog is starting to lift. As forlorn as it seemed when it greeted me this morning, I’m almost sad to see it go, because as soon as I received this cryptic message from deep within his heart, it wrapped me in the most comforting blanket that could possibly ever have adorned me. My kids truly are my most beautiful work and legacy and every diamond in my gleaming tiara, and despite the many circumstances that have darkened some of our days, I believe with every shred of my being that they are going to be okay. I’m his “Nettie”, I am loved, and I am the luckiest woman on this planet. Welcome to my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” divinely punctuated existence.

NETTIE

Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. In the dark bathed in Cathode ray blue, Miss Red Hook of 1922, weeping silently for the pain of others. Every night a tearful rosary, a victim of the curse of empathy. Her reward of compassion is to suffer. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. My short coming, I know I caused her grief. Still, she loves me. This I can’t believe! Responding not with anger but a prayer, Heaven’s just Southwest of Cobbil Hill. True. I am the son of an angel. Maternally, not one woman compares. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. If you fall, I will catch you. When you’re lost, I’ll be there soon. Far away, but of course near. When you’re sad I am always here. Thank you from saving me from myself. Your compassion became its own hell. Unequivocally Beautiful inside and out. Without a doubt. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. {Type O Negative}