OCTOBER 10, 2021: “That Music Thing” …

When my son was just a teenager, he began sending me songs, often in the wee hours of the morning hours, to let me know what he was feeling inside. Up until that point, because of the trauma he’d experienced in our home as a child, he’d kept his feelings buried and was wholly unable to verbally communicate the depth of his broken emotions.

The first song he ever sent was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time, just days before I had my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch. Up until the moment I got that “text heard ’round the world” at 3 o’clock in the morning, I’d never even heard of 5FDP, who of course are now my favorite band.

Lol. And as usual, I’ve digressed yet again …

I’m not gonna lie – that was a ROUGH night for me. If you’ve ever listened to that song, then you probably understand why. Nevertheless, sending me that poignant and cryptic musical message at 3 o’clock in the morning was probably one of the best ways he could have possibly described to me exactly “what he was feeling” in the midst of all the chaos that had become his heart and mind.

Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!

Needless to say, it was an extremely pivotal moment in our all lives during a massive season of change, but hearing those words as they swept through my ears and washed over my own broken heart and mind was a literal five finger death punch through soul. It reminded me of all the things I didn’t do right by him as a mother and all the ways I failed him. It was devastating, but necessary, because as most of us know all too painfully well, sometimes the truth has to hurt us before it can effectively incite change.

Thereafter, if became “a thing” with us, and even to this day all these years later, he continues to let me know what’s going on in his head and heart with his random musical messages. Although some of the songs and their messages have been heavier than others, and some have been mind-numbingly ethereal, others have just been pure and simple love songs to let me know I’m still his best momma.

Over the years, “that music thing” has morphed into so much more than just “me and him” communicating with each other. These days, it’s about “me and me” as well. I communicate with myself daily through music! Singing “me” love songs is one of my favorite mental wealth hacks. It has now become a powerful way to not only love myself back to life UNCONDITIONALLY, but keep myself loved back to life eternally.

“When The Seasons Change” is one of my life songs, of course by 5FDP, and as such, has made an appearance in this Diary more than a couple of times. It has truly been applicable to all the most important people, places, and seasons of my life, so, yes, I belt it out loud to myself all the time. Sometimes I have to tweak the words to my “love songs” to make them more applicable to me, as in the case below. Lol, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, life here in my Queendom moves to a rhythm of it’s very own, but hey, it’s all good. A queen’s gotta do what a queen’s gotta do … especially when the seasons are changing!

WHEN THE SEASONS CHANGE

There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide … {Five Finger Death Punch}

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