MAY 10, 2020: “In His Remains” …

The fate of a mother is waiting for children. You wait for them while pregnant, you wait for them when they return from nursery. Wait for them when they leave school. You wait for them when they start their life when they come home after a party. You wait for them when they come back from work so they can always find a hot meal. You wait for them with love, with anxiety sometimes with anger that immediately passes when you see them and you can hug them. So make sure your elderly mom doesn’t have to wait any longer. Visit her, love her, hug the one who loved you like no one else ever will. Don’t ever make her wait. Because they age limbs but a mom’s heart never grows old. Love her as you can. No woman will love you like a mother.

{Author Unknown}

TO HIS “MOTHER”:

I recently stumbled upon the most beautiful passage about “the fate of a mother”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Stumble as I may have countless of times in my motherhood journey thus far, the gift of all my children has been my highest calling and honor. But what about you? What do these words mean to you? You never waited for him …. he only ever waited for you, because you left him, like trash, to die in his own remains.

YOU LEFT HIM!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your “son” stopped living the day he was born, but it was one year ago today that the hands of Fate threw the very last spin of the wheel that ultimately led to not only his demise, but the end of the most beautiful chapter of my life. Looking back, I can honestly say that the very first hint of change in him was June 5, 2014, as that was truly the day the “rock” that was our Zachariah began crumbling inside. Slowly, subtly, yet ever so steadily, he began slipping down the hole that devoured him alive on January 11th this year, but it wasn’t really until May 12th last year that he started coming apart at the seams. I remember that morning as if it were now, down to exactly where he was standing, the look of angst upon his face, what he was saying, the tears falling from his eyes, what he was wearing, and even how he smelled. Sufficed to say though, indeed it was “Mother’s Day 2019” that earmarked the beginning of his end.

So, with that, today is bittersweet, as not a Mother’s Day had passed since he walked into my life that I wasn’t cherished, celebrated, and placed so high upon the pedestal he built me that there literally are no words. It was no secret to anyone that knew us that your “son” was hell bent on making sure that I was abundantly aware of exactly what my role in all of their lives meant to him, especially on Mother’s Day! When we first met, he did appear to be a rock. He’d told me about his past and how not just you, but his entire “blood family” abandoned him for what reason God only knows. He was ambivalent about the things you’d all done to him. It angered and outraged me to the core of my being to not only hear the stories of his maternal abandonment and fucked up beyond reason childhood, but to have watch, live and experience the abundance of truly awful things his “family” did to and put him through, which were completely unacceptable. As for those other “Williamsons” you spat upon this Earth who still live here in the city where their “brother” slipped right through the void? If a stranger were to meet a single one of them and not know who they really are, they’d be so impressed with the charming personas they present. But his truth is the truth, he spoke it, I witnessed it, and God watched it all! Congratulations “mother”! You made self-consumed narcissists who get all dressed up with the plastic smiles and shallow hearts only you could possibly be proud of!

On the surface, he seemed to have made peace with the way his “brothers and sisters” dumped him too, so he moved on down the road. We made our own little family and he left you all behind in his dust. “Their loss, not mine”, he would say, and he couldn’t have been more right, as none of you were good enough to be graced by his presence! Trust me when I tell you that because of our professions, we knew plenty of people who “know them”. The general consensus about your other Williamsons? You know, the ones you actually managed to want? “They’re selfish, shallow, greedy, social climbing wanna-be’s in one of the greatest shows on Earth.” Everything about Zack’s character was so far removed from and theirs that no one who realized their familial connection could fathom it. Watching strangers literally scratch their heads and hearing the things people said about them were amongst the highest compliments he ever received, and he absolutely reveled in knowing that no one could correlate him to “them”. But I’ve digressed. Sufficed to say, it was indeed “every Mother’s Day” that hurt him the most, even more so than all the birthdays you forgot as he waited for you year after year, phone in hand, for you “to remember him”.

Here’s all you REALLY need to know, “mother” Of My Fallen King:

It’s Mother’s Day 2020, and 264 days ago your “son” shot himself in the head with a Springfield handgun and a hollow point bullet just before midnight on. You were nothing to him but a stranger, and what a shame that you never knew what an amazing human being you threw away and the gift he was to this world (though unfortunately he never believed it).

Only God knows what was going through his mind in the very last moments of his life, and yes, “what that may have been” will break my heart forever. Alas, he’s at rest now, finally at peace after the “legacy of abandonment” you chose to burden him with. But here’s what I do know “was going through his head” in the years I was lucky enough to give him the only real home he ever had and the only real love from a woman (other than his Grandma) he’d ever known …

Your “son” hurt us all with a broken mind and heart that were jaded beyond comprehension. “He must have had mommy issues” is what some will surely say, and sadly? IT WAS TRUE! He wasn’t quite two when you left him behind – him, and only him – but not your other kids, because for what good reason he could never understand you just didn’t want him like the others! You you never turned back to see the tears that burned through his heart every day for the rest of his life.

When your “son” was just a boy, he had to sit in classrooms making “Mother’s Day cards” that he never knew what to do with, so, he would tear them up and put them in the garbage as he was leaving the school grounds watching all the other kids being greeted by their mommies as he walked home to nothing all alone!

When your “son” was just a boy, he would go to his friends’ birthdays while his heart physically ached because you apparently couldn’t remember the day he was born. (It was October 5, 1982, in case you forgot.)

When your “son” was just a boy, Mother’s Day broke his heart into little tiny pieces that none of us who really loved him could ever put back together. He cried for you. Ached for you. Longed for you. Dreamt about you. He disappeared inside himself waiting for you to want him!

Despite these words and my more than apparent anger, I have forgiven you and yours for all the ways you destroyed my beautiful husband. But never will I forget the last ten years watching him try so hard not to break because none of you gave a FUCK about “the Zack of shit”, your “son”, their “brother”. So, with that, happy Mother’s Day to you, “mother” of my fallen king. May you sleep well this and every Mother’s Day going forward that you’re able to enjoy the Williamsons you somehow managed to “mother”! Hold your hand over your chest now and breathe in what you feel … it’s the still beating heart of the one woman in this world that was supposed to love my husband forever.

… “Daughter-In-Law”

IN [HIS] REMAINS

Separate. He sifted through the wreckage. He couldn’t concentrate – searching for a message in the fear and pain. Broken down and waiting for the chance to feel alive. Now in his remains are promises that never came. Set the silence free to wash away the worst of him. Come apart. Falling in the cracks of every broken heart. Digging through the wreckage of your disregard. Sinking down and waiting for the chance, to feel alive. Now in his remains are promises that never came. Set the silence free to wash away the worst of him. Like an army, falling one by one by one. {Linkin’ Park}

Momn

12 thoughts on “MAY 10, 2020: “In His Remains” …”

  1. Cat, you’re an amazing writer. I’m so engulfed in all you say and how you say it. It started with Jerry Stiller and ‘spicy sausage and peppers’.

    Your stories make me smile, make me cry, made me mad (at the very thing you’re mad at, because they are real). You’re blogs make me feel and see your beautiful soul, and for that I am honored. In the last several months I had no idea that you would become just as special as you absolutely are. It’s going to be such an amazing day when we can get together, for so many reasons and for so much fun. You inspire me to the depths of no end. My heart feels that it is with you every time I read your blog because they’re so raw and again they are so very real (and for that I am truly grateful). There are not many and not nearly enough like you, NONE like you. My heart is just paralyzed by how amazingly real and precious you are. How did I get so lucky and blessed to have heard your story and gotten to No you threw your funny videos on Facebook, your posts, your blogs, and all that you put out there for the world to see. If meeting you was my sole purpose of being there for the time I was, then it was worth it because again, there are not many that are real, like you. God KNEW what he was doing when he knit you together!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ -Ashley

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    1. I have edits. It’s early. I shouldn’t of used voice to text and my OCD needs to correct them. 😬😬

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