My own husband, Zachariah, who I lost to suicide August 22, 2019. He was the Godsend game changer for me and my my two kids, larger than life with a heart the size of an ocean, but had been abandoned by the “mother THING” that (not “who”) left him permanently at 18 months. While I suppose his “father” did the best he could with lack of parenting skills he had, but he was then and is still but a grown child himself, and even in his death has continued to just leave him behind. He was left alone for a majority of the time from a very young age, and his basic needs were never properly tended to. Eventually, even his siblings discarded him, too.
We didn’t realize his ACS (Abandoned Child Syndrome) even existed until five years into our marriage, but once faced with the sobering truths of his traumatic childhood, every bit of strength and fortitude he’d managed to find and survive with in his life of solitude before finding us, the first and only real home and family he’d ever had, began slipping right out from under him.
The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that for some unknown reason the mother was able to manage to have a maternal relationship with the older siblings she’d had with the same father, just not him. Again, his entire family left him on the proverbial “curb of life”. Not just the mother, but neither the father nor his siblings could be bothered with him. His two older brothers would often refer to him as the “Zack of shit”, and although he would laugh about in their presence, those words tortured and haunted him incessantly. This heartless, selfish, numbingly ice-cold and shallow brood of people literally broke his heart into pieces that could never be put back together.
There were demons living in the hole they burned into his soul we fought desperately to keep him from drowning in, but in the end, the demons won. In the last months of his life, it appeared that he was in the early stages of psychosis, if not schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices, seeing things that weren’t there, missing blocks of time, and ultimately just vanished completely within himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore“, and honestly, we lost him months before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to witness and the worst kind of heartbreak to suffer. He died of a broken heart that led to his mental illness and suicide, but not before he hurt not only me, but even more so our daughter, VERY badly. The trauma that he bestowed upon her in his final psychosis and “separated from self” state of mind is beyond comprehension, barely fathomable, and one that may unfortunately take her own lifetime to heal and overcome.
I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection“. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. In the meantime, thank you for the many kind words and vast support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness, or anyone else’s for that matter, have been in vain.
{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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