MAY 18, 2019: “Back To Us” …


To Catherine (my first and last Love, my soulmate and best friend),

Considering recent events and conclusions I have come to about my life, childhood, parenthood and overall feelings about the people in my life, I have come to some huge conclusions about you and your role in my life. Although we have had a rocky ride at times and we have done some really bad shit to each other I still really would do it all over again. Not just for Gia either. I do love you and I am still in love with you I just got lost along the way because I could not figure out why felt so distant from you and distant everything for that matter including myself if that makes sense. I do love everything about you except for the way we interact/react to each other under difficult circumstances.

After realizing how I really felt about Gia as my child and realizing that no one in my life ever felt that for me it hit me that you were the first and only person in my life that ever truly loved me, chose me as THE top priority in their life and fought to help me get over myself but also fought to protect me from anything and everything harmful or defamatory including myself. Even though you didn’t do it for me you brought my daughter in to this world and promoted that relationship that I didn’t even know that I wanted and needed so bad until now. You made me a parent and it turned out that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me next to falling in love with you and your daughter. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for fostering my relationship with Gia and being there for me even when I was impossible to live with. I don’t deserve a lot of the things you have done and been for me and I will always owe you for everything.

You are an outstanding mother and wife and I realized it is only because of your deep seeded insecurities mostly having to do with your parents and life events that cause you to do the stuff that really upsets and hurts me. I wish we didn’t do bad things to each other but no marriage is perfect and we have to keep trying. I worry more about my own bad choices destroying our relationship than I do yours and I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt, invalidate or upset you. The list of those things goes on and on but I am trying to do and be better for you and for me as well.

I love you and I am in love you I just disconnected myself to protect myself. It wasn’t just you though. I was disconnecting from everything here lately because of my perceived failure at work and at home. When Gia goes to college you are all I’m going to have and that’s a good thing but I was afraid it would leave me alone and that things would get worse between us without Gia there as a buffer. I realize now I need to allow myself to trust and invest in our relationship even more physically and emotionally. Gia going away could become a blessing for us having more time to do things we love together and not stressing out about the juggling back and forth for her between Pete, school and other activities. I love you and I’m in love with you. I want it to stay that way and I want us to get closer as a result of what’s been going on here lately. This is just part of life. Gia is supposed to go have her life and we are supposed to have ours also. I want to have my life with you. You were my first love, my first EVERYTHING and I want you to be the last god willing.

Please forgive me for my doubts about you and about us and let’s move forward and make our marriage better than it has ever been. Ok?