FEBRUARY 27, 2019: “No Reins” …

no reins

Ten years ago, in the midst of a mental health crisis and major crossroad, I got a job driving big Ford trucks from Dallas to the surrounding states as a “valet” for dealership trades. I spent so many days and nights alone on the open road just driving, crying, laughing, talking to myself and God. I’d stop in as many small towns as I could along the way in the quietest corners of “anywhere but home”, find a quaint cafe, then just sit with some coffee and listen, observe, and absorb as many “outside my bubble” experiences as possible. That job was one of the best things I’ve ever done, and I swear I wouldn’t be here right now if not for it.

Back then, I was a rocker who hadn’t heard of Rascal Flatts yet, and I fondly remember the day I was rolling down the I40 to Yukon, Oklahoma in a jacked up Ford F-550 when “No Reins” cued up to the radio. Meanwhile, there were horses actually running in the field beside the highway, with a crisp, blue sky in the background that all but took my breathe away and reduced me to some of the most cathartic tears I’ve ever cried. I believe with every fiber of my being that God set up that one singular moment in time up for me as the catalyst for the beginning of the “apostrophe” I’m still becoming.

Here I am, now, in what seems like a lifetime later, eternally thankful for the countless tears I shed in those trucks that allowed me to finally begin the bittersweet process of moving on stronger, wiser, and ALIVE, despite the many broken roads I’d been down and sometimes still have to travel.

These days when I hear this song, I get butterflies as I dream of all the possibilities for her future. Whereas in the lyrics she’s “learning how to let go”, which was clearly me back then, I can only pray that these words will apply to Gia as she blossoms for much brighter and hopeful reasons. I don’t ever want her to be in a position where she has to choose between “someone” or herself. I want her to be strong and wise enough to start with choosing herself first and let all the naturally beautiful things that follow be her reward.

Williamson and I are determined to build our girl into a mentally wealthy, confident and strong woman who will never have to wonder who she is and run away to save her own soul the way I did. She’ll live life on her terms like the true QUEEN she’s destined to be, “no reins” whatsoever, and I’ll fight for her to have that freedom until the day I’m gone and beyond.

Unless, of course, she finds a king of her own who is lucky enough to capture her mustang heart, run alongside her for the ride of both their lives, never stop loving her unconditionally, and cherish the beautiful imperfection she will surely bring to his world.

For the record, I have been praying for this boy, wherever in this world be may be, since the day that she was born. Actually, now that I think of it, I’ve been praying for both my kids’ spouses all my life. God has been so good to us in all things big and small, so I know that if Prince Charming is what’s meant to happen in her queendom, he will find her eventually “o’er field and fodder” and everything between. When that day finally comes, this crazy circle my life has been going in will be complete, and I’ll be a very happy momma!