JUNE 19, 2022: “Lifetime” …

Zachariah,

I called to say hello, but then remembered that you can’t pick up the phone. I miss the way your voice always used to take all the pain away. The thought is still unimaginable that I saw your face that very last time and didn’t even know it.

Now, we’re all walking around in a haze. Yes, there are many colors, but mostly every shade of grey, and although you did absolutely show us the way whenever we were lost and alone, you never really showed us to let you go. That, we’ve had to figure out on our own.

Never again will I look into the only eyes that ever knew me, but then again, only God knows whether that’s really true. For now, I’ll just keep looking into my own eyes instead and seeing myself through those lenses of yours that helped me rise to my own reflection and finally find my “beautiful”.

Sometimes I physically feel that bullet that ran through you running straight through me, which is always a bittersweet and tragic reminder of how fragile our human souls can be. Even so, you added so many things to all our lives that we didn’t even know were missing, and for that reason alone and even despite all the FUCKED UP things you did in the wake of your insanity, we’ll keeping leaving that part out and ALWAYS celebrating you on Father’s Day as the one who showed us all what being a father was really about.

You were the one that we weren’t supposed to lose. We thought we’d have you for a lifetime. So, now who do I talk to when I want to talk to you? Oh, that’s right, I’ll just keep on talking to you, because even though you’re already on the brighter side of all this grey, I get to have you with me for the rest of my lifetime.

{Words adapted from “Lifetime” by Three Days Grace}

~ Catherine

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