NOVEMBER 1, 2019: “In Loving Memory Of My Fallen King” …

us

This will be my last “sad post” for a while, as tomorrow I start a new chapter of my life and will wake up with the positive perspective I know he’d want me to have as I endeavor onto a path I’ve been heading towards for years. Today was rough, I’m not gonna lie. I haven’t cried so much since I lost my daughter 15 years ago – almost constantly since waking at 7:05am. That being said, I had an epiphany on the way home from my “anniversary dinner” with the only real parents my husband ever had, Rick and Dee, who for the record, are the ONLY people on the face of this Earth with whom I would have chosen to spend this first anniversary without him.

Rings

We got married on a Monday at 8:30pm in the theatre room of some dear friends’ house nine years ago this night. We didn’t have much to start with, and in fact, it was right around “this time” that night that we were sitting in a fast food parking lot in Murphy, Texas, eating our drive-thru meals, SO happy and in completely in love. We had NOTHING but faith in one another, and that was all! Coincidently, we had very little support from anyone at that time.

Zack had no real family to speak of. I mean, he did have a family of origin – a father, some siblings, and this “mother THING“, as he would always say, that gave birth to him then left him in is own remains. With the exception of just one of his brothers, none of them could really be bothered with him. But, hey, that’s a different story for another time. As for my family? But for my sister and kids, they couldn’t really understand why in the HELL I would marry the poor guy with the ugly truck and commit myself and Gia to what they believed was a life destined to nothing more than an apartment and hand to mouth foolish dreams. “We” were a joke to everyone for the most part, no one took us too seriously, and I’m quite certain that no one ever saw everything he managed to do for us coming. But hey, that’s a different story for a totally different day.

There were a handful of people, however, that did support us from the onset, and irony of all ironies, today, my “first anniversary without him”, it so happened that three of those very same people were the people I spent my day with. It wasn’t planned to be this way, it’s just the way that it was, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that. It almost seems to have been cosmically purposed this way. Rick was the “dad” that stepped up for my husband when the father he “got” couldn’t be bothered to do much of anything for him. Rick was the one who stood beside my husband all these years, and Rick was the one who stood beside my husband on our “wedding day”, while the “father” just sat in the audience. That means something, wouldn’t you say? It was one of the loudest messages to someone I think I’ve ever heard without really having said a word. My point being this: Rick was the man that my husband leaned on for all the “father” things. Rick was his very best friend.

I’ve heard NOTHING from my “father in law” in 67 days, I never saw him again after the service, he hasn’t called once to check on me or Gia, and he never came to get his son’s ashes. Neither did the “only brother” he had a relationship with, by the way, which to me is a slap in Zack’s face. As for now, both sets of the ashes I had preserved and set aside for each of them are regrettably still sitting in my closet, as forgotten in his death as Zack was in his life. I doubt that his father even knew when our wedding day was, much less what it meant to his son, but then again, it’s not that surprising. That’s who and what he was, still is, and will probably always be – a extremely foolish man who pissed away the chance to know what a truly amazing son he had.

At the end of the day, regardless of his abysmal childhood and even more abysmal excuse for “parents”, the “Zack of shit” they all threw away left this world as a king, and this despite the unfathomable things that became him as the lifetime of demons he’d been harboring finally managed to break through his psyche, devour his mind, and take him to his death. But you see, only the very best parts of his legacy will live on now, because we’re leaving out all the rest now that he’s moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey.

So, with that, Happy Anniversary to me! It’s been a long day, and I’m gonna be okay, but “okay” will have to wait until tomorrow.

In Loving Memory Of

The Frog & The Butterfly” …

Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind. You guide me constantly. I never knew what it was to be alone. ‘Cause you were always there for me. You were always home waiting. But now I come home, and I miss your face. Smiling down on me. I close my eyes to see. And I know you’re a part of me. And it’s your song that sets me free. I sing it while I feel, I can’t hold on. I sing tonight ’cause it comforts me. I carry the things that remind me of you. In loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be. And even though you’re gone you still mean the world to me. And you’ll be here with me still. All you did you did with feeling. And you always found a meaning. And you always will. And you always will. And you always will.

{“In Loving Memory” by Alter Bridge}

frog