This will be my last sad post for a while, as tomorrow I’ll start a new chapter of my life and wake up with the positive perspective I know he’d want me to have as I endeavor onto a path I’ve been heading towards for years. Today was rough, I’m not gonna lie. I haven’t cried so much since I lost my daughter – almost constantly since waking at 7:05am. That being said, I had an epiphany on the way home from my “anniversary dinner” with the only real parents my husband ever had, Rick and Dee, who for the record, are the ONLY people on the face of this Earth with whom I would have chosen to spend this first anniversary without him.
We got married in some friends’ theatre room nine years ago today. We didn’t have much to start, and in fact, it was right around this time that night that we were sitting in a parking lot in Murphy, Texas, eating our drive-thru meals, happy and in love. We had nothing but faith in each other, and very little support from anyone.
There were a handful of people, however, that did support us from the onset, and ironically, I ended up spending my first anniversary without him in the company of a few of them. For that, I will always be thankful.
Although he had a “family” – a father, some siblings, and a “mother THING“, as he referred to her, that birthed him, then left him in is own remains, with the exception of one of his brothers, none of them could be bothered with him. My support was just my sister and my kids, as my parents couldn’t understand why I would marry the broke guy and commit myself and Gia to what they believed was destined to be a life of apartment living and foolish dreams. “We” were a joke to everyone for the most part, and I’m certain that no one predicted who he‘d become.
I’ve heard nothing from his father since the service, he hasn’t called once to check on me or Gia, and never came to get his son’s ashes. Neither did the brother he did have a relationship with, by the way, which was a slap in Zack’s face. The ashes I’d set aside for them are still sitting in my closet, as forgotten in death as in life. I doubt that his father even knew today was our anniversary. He is now, always has been, and will likely remain the foolish man who pissed away the chance to really know his amazing son.
At the end of the day, regardless of his abysmal childhood and even more abysmal excuse for “parents”, the “Zack of shit” they all threw away left this world as a king, and this despite the unfathomable things that became him as the lifetime of demons he’d been harboring devoured him. But you see, only the very best parts of his legacy will live on now, because we’re leaving out all the rest now that he’s moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey.
So, with that, Happy Anniversary to me! It’s been a long day, and I’m gonna be okay, but “okay” will have to wait until tomorrow.
“In Loving Memory“
(… of “The Frog & The Butterfly“)
Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind. You guide me constantly. I never knew what it was to be alone. ‘Cause you were always there for me. You were always home waiting. But now I come home, and I miss your face. Smiling down on me. I close my eyes to see. And I know you’re a part of me. And it’s your song that sets me free. I sing it while I feel, I can’t hold on. I sing tonight ’cause it comforts me. I carry the things that remind me of you. In loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be. And even though you’re gone you still mean the world to me. And you’ll be here with me still. All you did you did with feeling. And you always found a meaning. And you always will. And you always will. And you always will. {Alter Bridge}
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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