OCTOBER 25, 2019: “Use Me!” …

I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.

(Angelina Jolie)

I can’t believe I never knew about this until now and cannot tell you the infinite number of times I’ve had this similar conversation with my so much better, stronger and wiser version of me daughter, who at three years old became the catalyst for everything I’ve become today:

I am here to tell you all that I would, in fact, be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 3 years old. I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all: ME! She is one of my muses and “whys“.
(“My Mona Lisa“)

Indeed, it’s true. On that on that day, my daughter became the death of every lie my farce of a life used to be and the beginning of all my truths. She is the reason I decided to turn myself inside out once and for all for fear of her becoming sick like me. She is the reason I finally realized that “nothing would mean anything if I didn’t live a life of use to others”.

This is the legacy I want to leave for my children! If I keep giving it all that I possibly can, one day, whether I’m here or not, I’ll be the luckiest woman that ever lived when they BOTH stand strong and proud amongst the crowds and say:

MY mom lived a life that was of use to others!