In case you missed the memo, tonight is a lunar event! At the peak of the eclipse, approximately 96% of The Moon will enter Earth’s shadow, turning it into a burning bright blood red and leaving only a peep of light at its edge. Quite the phenomenon, indeed! It’s cosmic moments like these, however, that can also serve to remind us that just because a human psyche is being imprisoned by the darkness, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
“Light can devour the darkness, but darkness cannot consume the light.”
If you or someone you know is on the brink of an abyss and fighting not to fall through a black hole in your mind to the murk below, please remember to:
… and then there was that time that me and one of my besties tore up Dollywood after the Death Punch road trip of both our lives! For those of you who’ve never had the privilege and honor of visiting Dollywood – one of THE best places on this Earth, because when you’re there, you can literally FEEL her love and energy in every square inch of that park – I cannot recommend it highly enough!
In the meantime, rest in peace, beautiful young lady! No words can properly credit how you infected so many of our lives with the the Light that eminated from your tiny little body! She was “love incarnate“! As for me and mine? I will be damn good and sure that my grandbabies will know exactly who and what you were and why this world needed you the way it did! God speed right over that Bridge to The Brighter Side Of Grey! Yes, we will always love you!
I’d posted a tribute for Chester last month on the anniversary of his suicide, and THIS brilliant biotch showed up:
He was soo loved by a lot of people. But he showed people struggling with depression/other mental health issues that offing yourself is the way to go. He couldn’t just live and get help and go talk to somebody to get the help he needs and then when he’s better tell his story. Tell how hard it was but he overcame it. Yes not everyone has the money like he does but just talking to someone and having someone in your corner may have helped because you did say something. He should have lived to be that person that people that are struggling can look up to because he was there to tell people to never give up and to talk to someone. I don’t listen to linkin park anymore.
That’s right, genius, HE SHOULD HAVE! He should have just LIVED! The FUCK? Meanwhile, perhaps one of the worst things you can possibly say to someone who’s either in the throws of mental illness or surviving the wreckage of loved one’s lost battle with it is “if only they had …”, or, “they should have just …”.
For those of you equally moronic and clueless people running around there keeping the stigma of mental health and suicide alive and UNwell, unfortunately, statistics show that sooner or later this most unpopular of monsterswill darken your doorstep. So, lemme know how it works for you afterwards when people start spewing the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. Mmmkay? Mmmkay!
LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT …
Depression isn’t sadness and can’t always be talked through, much less THOUGHT through! It’s a physiological fucking disease that takes people every day, so, “shoulda, woulda, coulda” FUCK all you literal douche canoes who just don’t get it. There’s far too much information about mental illness and suicide awareness floating around out there for you not to know any better.
It’s August 22nd, by the way, and a few short hours from now, at “just before midnight”, the clock will ring in SEVEN years since my husband literally bit the bullet instead of just sitting down and “talking things through”. I’m okay, by the way – BUT – this kind of human stupidity is just not cool! Just sayin’.
Few are the men I could honestly say are or were truly good men. My paternal Grandfather and his namesake, my cousin Ernie (better known to me and all as “The General“), top the list of the less than two handfuls that I’ve keep in that category for years:
His father, Ernie, was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. He was loving and kind, caring and thoughtful, and all about his family. The man was a saint by even the harshest standards, and I’d be hard-pressed to find a single shortcoming in his character. In the 18 years I knew him, I never once heard him raise his voice or a fist, and never once heard him speak and unkind word about another. Which is not to say that he never ever said them, it’s just that if he did, he never let his impressionable grandchildren see it. To this day I smile when I remember the “worst word” I ever heard him say: “Garl darnit!” This was his version of profanity, and it took a fair amount of anger or frustration to get him there. My Grandpa was the polar opposite of any man I’d ever known until the day I met my late husband, but I’ll get to that much later. Sufficed to say, my beautiful Grandpa was and remains one of the brightest stars that has led my pathway from the sky. His legacy is one of love and kindness and the memories he left are unsoiled in my mind. Of course, he was but a mortal man, and with that, it’s certain that like all of us, he’d had his moments, grievances, “grudges” and maybe even “yelling, screaming and profanity”. As any good man and father should have, however, he was wise enough to shield the younger eyes that were watching and ears that were listening to anything less than impeccable words. Little did I know that he’d set the bar by which I’d judge all men impossibly high, and that it would be years before I understood why.
Meanwhile … QUEUE the arrival of my “number Five” kid, the young man who’s captured my daughter’s heart and made it to the very top of my list. For reasons I can’t really say, it became clear to me fairly early in their relationship that he … is … THE ONE FOR HER! [SEE ALSO :: “The Day Of The Lululemon Zippy Jacket” … a story that shall remain between Abd, my daughter, and me.]
And so, with that, I would like to wish my “Number Five” child (in order of appearance in my atmosphere) a very Happy 23rd Birthday today! Abdil-Rhaman, there are no words to express how thankful I am that you showed up for our girl at the precipice of her either “falling backwards” into the abyss of all she’d been prior to “August 31, 2023” or “pushing forward” into every beautiful thing life has in store for not just her, but me as well because of YOU. I love you, kiddo, and so would have my Grandpa! Though you’ve yet to meet The General, when that day comes, I know he’ll love you, too. With that, and in keeping with the tribute my cousin made to my Grandpa years ago, here’s my tribute to you:
A REMARKABLE MAN, MY NUMBER FIVE: As a teenager, he left behind all he knew about life back in Jordan to seek the promise of the USA. He had only his determination, integrity, and a pocket full of dreams to lean on when that plane touched American soil, but that was more than enough upon which to build a future for not just himself, but his family, which thankfully now includes not just my daughter, but all of us! Because of his example, his values and his love, I’ll get to witness my daughter living out a fairytale that most girls will never truly know! The attached photo is of what I wish could have really happened … that is … his having gotten to hang out with my beloved Grandfather and one of my favorite humans, my cousinErnie!
In my humble opinion, the macro photography and videography of insects is one of THE most important professions in the animal kingdom, and what better way to acknowlege this than on this, “National Be Nice To Bugs Day“! Not only is it beyond useful in scientific studies and identification processes, but it allows us laypeople to truly connect with and marvel at the magnificent little beasts that live above and below us I’ve often said that “if we could just put a face with it, we can overcome it”, because when we can’t “see it” with our naked eyes, we all too often fear, abhor, and misunderstand it … not unlike all the other nameless, faceless, and invisible “monsters” in our lives, and once even wrote these words in my “Diary” as regards my former battle with mental illness and now lifelong advocacy of it in the wake of my late husband’s suicide after his heartbreaking war with it:
“It was so much easier to kill the monsters living in my head once I could see all their faces.”
… and such is my newfound appreciation and affection for all the creepy, crawly, googley-eyed little creatures that once haunted me as both a child AND adult. Thank you SO much Malbafont Macrophotography for your tireless and tedious work. Yours was the very first to open my eyes to the pure magic “above and below us” and put my fear of “bugs” to rest!
I must admit that it took me some time to find the proper words to tribute this post by the man today. After quite a bit of processing, however, here’s what I’ve come up with …
“But now bring me a musician.” … Then it happened, when the musician played, that the hand of the Lord came upon him.
[2 Kings 3:15 NKJV]
Yah. It’s like THAT! There are no words to describe how much I love this man to the core of his being. Ivan, I’ll be eternally grateful for everything you’ve done for not just me, but the entirety of your faithful and beloved Death Punch family.
Oh, and one last thing …
To my kids, their kids, and hopefully even their kids one day: PLEASE listen to everything he’s said here, then spin his sentiments right back to your hearts as my own words to all of you. I love you! ~ Momma
If you know, you KNOW … and by the way, I know you’re stalking this Diary! So, have a nice day all alone on the island you’ve built just for YOU tomorrow, and cheers to me for having a big fat yellow onion on hand at any given time so I can make myself “cry” when this war you created is finally over! Sorry. NOT sorry! Good job, bruh!
🐸 517 days have passed since we vacated The Castle in favor of a much more mentally wealthy place for us to think, breathe, live and exist … free from memories of the literal Hell you reigned down upon us in your twisted beyond belief brokenness, sick as you may have been … until we were finally ready to let it go and hand over the keys another family who will hopefully be able to fill it with love, laughter, joy, happiness, and much better ending for their fairytale. In the meantime …
“Now the time’s come to forget the wrong that you’ve done and hold on to the reasons you are truly missed. I don’t resent you, and when I’m feeling empty, I’ll keep you in my memory and leave it all the rest.”
“If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders”.
Well, if that’s true, it would seem as though I’m only ever anywhere but “here”. I mean, am I “present” when I need to be and “in the moment” when I’m with my loved ones, animals, and responsibilities? You bet, I am. The rest of the time, however, I’m flipping back to all the best parts of my journey … like all the times I’ve been blessed enough to gaze upon gothic cathedrals, castles, cobblestones, and every other epic place I’ve wandered through … in this life and all the others … and dreaming ahead to all the places I’ve yet to see. I’m like … “Real Cat In Wonderland” just Peter Panning my way through THIS spin around the marble and marveling at all the epic wonders that are tattooed across my heart, mind, and soul. It doesn’t suck to be me, by the way. It’s a charmed and whimsical life I live in the space between my ears, and I wouldn’t want to live in anyone else’s head but my own … “crazy” and “nonsensical” as it may be. Just sayin’.
What are some your heart wanders off to? Leave a comment and let me know!
“Oh, I danced with Cinderella! I didn’t miss even one song. Then all too soon the clock did strike midnight, and she … was … gone!”
Meanwhile, although I am going to drop this here tonight, I’ll have to circle back around to the words I’ll need to find to properly memorialize this bittersweet day my nest officially emptied. While I knew this day was fast approaching, I must admit that I didn’t know it would actually be this soon. How ironic is it that only hours ago I dropped this comment on a fellow squirrel mom’s post about her preparing to slowly begin letting go of her rehabbed fur babies?
Granted, and as you can see from my Life 360 screenshot, she’s only 3.5 miles away, but nevertheless … the clock has indeed struck midnight for this widowed and now empty-nested momma. Here’s to the next open pages and chapters for us to write in separate but also very much not separated castles! As for now, I think I’m going to allow myself to sob myself to sleep uncontrollably … because … even though this is the way it’s always supposed to be, it doesn’t mean it can’t rip my actual heart out momentarily. Goodnight everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Win, lose, or draw, the world news these days is doing it’s best to keep me on an effing roller coaster of the highest highs and lowest lows. So? Imma just keep on keepin’ it REAL and make my intentions as bold and impeccable as possible considering my otherwise innately putrid human condition. I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen, right? There’s either Someone listening … OR there’s not … and just like Pascal said, there’s a 50/50 chance that Someone IS. I’d rather err on the side of caution … JUST IN CASE!
I may be a little late to the Horizon Theory music party – but – I’M HERE TO EFFING STAY! If you don’t already know this band, do yourself a favor and give them a listen and follow! Keep on keepin’ THAT shit real, Josh!
“But maybe all the days that cut so deep … and maybe all the pain that no one sees? They’re all my scars, my GOOD luck to keep … and you can’t take that from me!”
🖤
Up until a certain point, I really had “spent all my life wondering why the bad luck always came so easy”, ever so painfully aware that the worst things in life really did appear to be free. Then one day I opened my eyes, stood back up, picked up my bloodied sword and scratched, dented, and exquisite tiara off the ground, and walked out of the ashes like the risen QUEEN I have become!
So much love to my son, Christian, and his WIFE, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Alexandra! Cheers to the beginning of an extraordinary new BLOOM on both our family trees!
(“With Love From Italy!)
As LUCK would have it, all those days that cut so deep and pain that no one sees? They’re all MY scars and GOOD luck to keep, and no one can ever take them from me! They’re out loud and living proof through my children that we’re all still alive and well here to talk, laugh, cry, support one another, and sometimes even rage about our former lives in the once ass-backwards and crumbling “empire” that was laid out before us all in this shit show of a “family”. The pain was our lesson to learn and let go so we can make new paths of our own, one bold step at a time. Pray God!
… because you know you’ve done at least one thing right when you’ve raised a boy into a man who “when in Rome” on a highly secretive special ops mission with his beloved … while tracing the footsteps of our great, great, great, GREAT “Uncle Marcus” (Aurelius) and countless other survivorancestors in the shadow of the epicenter of what I believe is the most important living symbol of the rise and fall of civilizations, military strategy, and civic administration … stops … to take time … to notice a frigging CROW!
THAT’S my son, friends, and he is his mother’s child! Despite his kinda rough and tumble appearance and how he’s decided to build his own empire, has the heart and soul of a true animal-lovingempath that runs far deeper than any human eye will ever see or mind will fully conceptualize. Oh, and by the way? I MADE HIM! Just thought I’d share. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!!
(no one): “Okay, so, lemme get this straight? She cooks … bakes … sews … sculpts … paints … rolls muscle on a stick … can change her own oil, tires, and wheels … can rock a pair of kitten heels like NOBODY’S effing business one day and a machine gun the frigging next … and she’s smart, kind, caring, compassionate, and extraordinarily beautiful? Yah, right!”
No, she really wasn’t ever ordinary. Through the darkest nights, she was born to shine but, but truth being told, “when I look at her” I see that she’s really not just like me. She’s “Me 5.0”! All the best parts of me burn through her even harder and brighter than can possibly be put into words. Lol! I’ve always said that someday when I grow up I hope to be more like her and less like me, but let’s face it – I am who I am – it is what it is – and “growing up” just isn’t on my short list. For now, I’ll just be her crazy Peter Pan momma, flitting about happily in my own little world in the tailwind of her stardust.
“The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.”
~ James Patterson ~
This bittersweet and powerful Netflix “Famous Last Words” interview of Eric Dane with a final message to his daughters was meant to be released and aired after his passing from a battle with ALS. Well? Sadly, he did, indeed pass today. Ugh.
Look, if you know anything about me by now, you know that I’m a ball of sometimes extremely polarizing emotions that I wear out loud and either proud or not so proud on my sleeves. If you know me even better than well, you know that while it doesn’t take much to bring tears to my eyes, especially when it comes to tender, sweet, and bittersweet moments involving my children and animals, getting me to cry tears of “pain and suffering” is becoming harder and harder as the days pass by. Perhaps I’m numb. Perhaps I’m not even alive anymore and I’m just a lost and wandering soul with a not that put together shell and really questionable, err, “outfits”. These “famous last words”, however, literally wrench my soul, and you best believe that it took me all of 120 milliseconds to drop it here in the Diary which is, by the way, nothing more or less than a virtual love letter to my babies … and their babies … and their babies.
I’m not gonna lie, I never watched the show he was on, wasn’t a fan (since I didn’t know his work), and didn’t know a thing about him. Lol, I was “yesterday years old” when I finally put it all together and realized he was that “Dr. McSteamy” I’ve oft heard about from other women. What I do know, however, is he was a husband and a father and these final words to HIS babies are impeccable. Godspeed, Mr. D. Godspeed.
Each day that passes is drawing me closer to something spinning hopelessly out of control. My day of reckoning is fast approaching and may be just around the corner. I can feel the ripples just beneath my skin as my realities are boiling to the surface. The unrelenting knot in the pit of my stomach and heart is getting tighter with each day that passes and it’s getting harder for me to breath. I am shaking, anxious, and, oh, yeah, a total fraud! Just up ahead, I think I can see the front of the proverbial bridge, but how can I make my legs actually move across it? If I actually make it across, what there will I find? Are there secrets about myself and even my “seemingly perfect childhood” that are still yet for me to discover? We shall see. Dearest Catherine, “Queen OfPerfection”, surely you can perfect this dance?
Well, then how about an angel? Can You send me another angel? Preferably one who’s more than two feet tall and older and wiser than 15? Someone I can talk to. Someone who will listen. Someone who wants to hear what I have to say. Someone to hold me and remind me that I’m alive. Someone who will look beyond my surface and find the broken little girl hiding inside my soul. Someone who doesn’t think I’m whining, or dramatic, ungrateful, and pathetic. Someone who doesn’t think I’m just a crazy fucking bitch, or that all the “things” I have should preclude me from feeling pain. Someone who’ll accept my broken heart and all my darkness and not hold “me” over my head. I NEED A HUG! Can You send me a hug? Or a kiss? Or a touch? Will anyone ever want to touch me? My perfection is a grand illusion and I the master illusionist! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’m wandering aimlessly here, God, behind the walls of my beautiful castle, with my hands pressed hard against the windows. I’m still looking for that sign, and I still believe there’s a chance. Hey, I’m leaving for France tomorrow. Maybe I can just leave some of my baggage there?
… and in the spirit of keeping accurate, sound, and truthful accounting records of my life, I misspoke. “June 28, 2008 was the first time I’d heard of either 3 Doors Down OR the song “The Real Life”. Although I’d written my “Hey, God? It’s me, Cat” letter on May 30, 2008, just a month before running away to France when I first heard “The Real Life”, I later went back and paired “Away From The Sun” with that Diary entry. Either way, this man, this band, and his multitude of powerful lyrics and beyond faithful testimony are, indeed, why I’m still hanging on here today.
Well, you’ve done it, man. It’s your time. You’ve made it back Home CLOSE to The Son! Now, we’d love for YOU to keep US lifted up in prayer every chance you get. GOD loves you …WE loved you … SEE YA!
Imagine trying to explain white to someone who has never seen black. You cannot have any experience without its opposite. LIGHT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF DARKNESS. Joy is meaningful because we know sorrow. Love is precious because we understand loneliness. The ancient Chinese called it Yin and Yang. Not opposing forces, but two sides of one reality. We’ve been taught that life is about eliminating the negative, but that’s like trying to have mountains with only peaks and no valleys. It misses the whole point. Your darkest moments aren’t punishments, they are what give meaning to your brightest ones. Without winter, spring wouldn’t feel like a miracle. The goal isn’t to escape darkness, but to dance with both light and shadow. What if your struggles aren’t the enemy of happiness, but the very thing that makes happiness possible?
… and once you fully understand and adopt this core value into your way of thinking, your life and perceptions about almost everything will change. If you dig into his philosophies, you’ll find they have a profound way of permanently rooting themselves deep within your psyche and opening your mind to wisdoms and ideals you never even knew existed and reframing your thoughts to get the most out of your daily reality. For the record, I have long since added Mr. Watts to my “Lucky Charms List” of people I’ve had most wanted to sit and have a bowl of cereal with while discussing life.
Note that the original pictures she’d posted were much brighter and vibrant than the ones above, but I chose to edit them with a darker filter so the quotes would show up better. I’ve posted her original pics below so you can really appreciate them! Thank you SO much, Jeanie Gontier, for not just giving me permission to use them this way, but even more so for taking them in the first place. You, my dear, are my kind of people!
I’d been meaning to find the FURfect time to share this astounding news, but I’m officially an official SQUoctologist with a SQUoctorate from the illustrious and SQUEXTREMELY competitive and if not impossible to get into Squirrel State University! Oh, don’t worry kids! Just because I’m a SQUoctor now, it doesn’t mean I can’t still relate to those who aren’t in the SQUmmunity with me and other SQUarents.
By the way, SQUank you very much to my dear friend Christy and her daughter, my nieclet, Princess Josilyn Aneal for not only helping me track down my diploma months ago, but SQUalerting me to the previously unknown SQUact that today is SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY! I love you both so much! MUAH!
FUR the record and in case you didn’t know yet, YES! Yes, i FURRY much DO love this little girl pictured below! She and her family have brought more true joy to my life this last year than I can even put into words. Lol! There’s a reason I decided to call her page “The Daily Dose Of Vivienne”, because she’s LITERALLY a natural! It’s nearly impossible to be in a bad mood with her in my window!
Unfortunately, I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to blog out something “fresh and new” for my Gina Marie’s 22nd birthday, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m having a really, really, REALLY hard time these days. As a matter of fact, it’s the first time in all her prior birthdays I’ve NEVER missed a beat that I don’t have a basket to take to her grave. Honestly? I’m not even sure I’m going to her grave today. I’m not a “steel magnolia” at the moment … I’m beyond fragile … especially as I’m writing this with the “January 11th” waves all but consuming me. “This too shall pass”, I know this all too well, but as for now …
I’m sure your messages are blowing up right now with this song – but – I just wanted to say thank you. If only you knew how long I’ve been holding back the flood that finally spilled out when I heard this song the night before last. Fifty fucking six years worth! I’ve been carrying the weight of everyone else’s darkness in the wake of not just my late husband’s suicide 6.5 years ago, but a lifetime’s worth of my own before that. Everyone thought I was the strongest bitch alive. I did too. Today, my therapy went from one hour to three and she “almost” sent me to a hospital because I CANNOT stop crying everything out. The thing is, IT NEEDED TO COME OUT this way! So, yah. Thank you. See you when you’re out on the road one day and I’ll probably be the oldest person at your shows, but fuck it! Oh, and I’m so truly sorry for whatever it is that happened in YOUR life that led you to alchemize the perfect storm of these words. I’m also glad you lived to tell about it, because I cannot be the only one who’s found a lifetime’s worth of their missing puzzle pieces in these lyrics.
Although I’m not from the UK, I can totally get on board with The Empath Lab’s “World Empathy Day 2023”. With that …
Dear Empath,
It’s easier to disappear than to fell the things I’m feeling here. One man left out … I feel his pain. In this crowded room I can’t concentrate. You ask the world … I can’t say no, ’cause I’d feel the sorrow fill your soul like my hearts in someone else’s chest. Take the weight of all their brokenness. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave … just gotta be alone today. Her panic starts … I hold my breath. Still, I can’t avoid the pounding chest. I try to run … I trip instead as my spirit enters in her head. A million voices cloud my mind. A shattered heart. A shattered life. Just tryna have a peaceful night, but this this stranger’s soul is tied with mine. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave. Just gotta be alone today. Just gotta be alone today. Feel like the weight of the world. I’m not strong enough. Don’t know where to run. Would you hold me up? Oh, I’m crumbling down. Sink into the ground. Would you lift me up?
NOTHING ‘BOUT ME IS ORDINARY!My friends all say I’m going crazy. I don’t hear a word that they say! ‘Cause the voices in my head are legendary, but I’ll never tell ’em where the bodies are buried. Keeps them coming back every day!
You took a shot to the chin? Looks like you just can’t win in this do or die situation. And it’s harder than it seems to survive, keep alive, and make your dreams all come true. Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough!
Sometimes love can make you blue … a heartache made just for you … but you can’t let it bring ya down. If you should stumble, if you should fall, PICK YOURSELF BACK UP OFF THE FLOOR! Fight for what’s right and stand your ground! Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough! When the goin’ gets rough … hang tough! Keep your head above the ground!
Don’t you let it get you down!
Don’t stay locked away inside your room, even though you know what this world is comin’ to. Hummingbird hums ’cause he don’t know the words, and the piper will play, ’cause he don’t know what to say. He’s a lot like you, yeah. Oh, he’s alot like you, yeah. He tries hard every day to be free and fly away. Yeah! HANG TOUGH!
Some of you may just see a picture of some random black bird sitting on a statue, but I see a bold and brazen corvid staking the claim of one of the most powerful rulers in history, Charlemagne, “King Of The Franks”, the father of Europe.
With that, and in honor both this gloriousInternational Crow And Raven Appreciation Dayand my fascination with corvids, allow me to introduce you to Karlsson, a friend and backyard resident of one of my friends and fellow “crowpagandists”, Spitfire Sparky. She snapped these epic shots of him in front of a Hamburg, Germany church in her area.
Meanwhile, good King Karl, who’d have ever thunk that a CROW would take your crown? Surely you must have missed the memo that one should NEVER cross a crow!
… that morning you wake up after having made your intentions and the desires of your heart abundantly clear to the Cosmos, find this message, then expel your uncontainable joy to your ex-best friend turned nemesis:
For the longest time, you held me down, but I got back up and brushed off the ashes you dusted me with.Now? It’s MY turn to dust YOU with the ashes you left me to fucking DIE in alone, but instead, just propelled my flight. HEAR MY VOICE! It’s the thunder that’s coming to shake the ground and hold YOU down like the bitch you always were. Consider this my FIRST of many roars!Before my time is done here, if I have ANYTHING to do with it, UNREST assured knowing that there WILL be others who I personally send for you and yours!
~ YOUR Dragon Bitch 🗡️
For the record, I recently sent out fifty plus emails to random eating disorder programs around the country. In the meantime, I’d received a powerful message of support from a virtual friend I’ve made on Instagram, along with her own bittersweet reasons why my hell bent mission to ROAR does matter:
As a female who had to watch that bitch dragon try to eat my little sister for decades, I understand so much of your story. Like you, she’s at a place finally where she’s fairly certain she will not relapse again. The same cannot be said for my beautiful friend. You remind me so much of her. Sadly, unlike your amazing self, she didn’t win. Her dragon devoured her, all while looking forward to her very first grand baby, while finally being loved by a man who was devoted to her and cherished her after her first husband severely abused her. She left behind a one year old son that she worked two years to conceive after a miscarriage and to change her “eating habits” (her words then) so that she could be a healthy pregnant Mom who was going to “do it right this time.” I will never forget her second husband’s words as he told the world what happened the day she collapsed and the fight was finished:
“She’s gone, my beautiful wife, my heart, my life, is gone. Why wasn’t I enough, was my adoration and devotion and love not enough. Why was our son not enough to fill her emptiness and fix her wounds.”
She had been fighting her dragon for thirty years.I think you are finding your calling. I’m a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons and sometimes it’s the hardest things that make the biggest impact on others. I know without a doubt there are lives out there ready and waiting for you to connect.Your story alone is so powerful and inspirational that you may save some other human from feeling his words, so, I thank you from the depths of my heart and soul for putting your story out there for those who truly need it.
I’m doing this, people! It’s finally gonna happen! I can feel it in my bones and crawling beneath my skin! If only one person hears my story then makes it their own hell bent mission to slay the fucking dragon, that’s enough!
Why, yes! Yes, I was “singing” in my house on a Saturday night, and doing it so loudly that two little boys from my hood who were passing by my castle on an acre of land with a 6,000 foot long driveway heard me doing it. Lol! What must they have been thinking? God love the precious little souls who ended up giving me a random gift that I never would seen coming:
Is she happy? Is she mad? Is she getting hacked up by a contractor who’d been hiding in her attic? Maybe we’ll just leave her a note?
By the way, never will i EVER throw that sweet little post it note away. I’ll treasure it along with all the sweet little “everythings” my own kids have gifted me over the years, especially when they were just about the ages of those two little nuggets who rang my doorbell! Lol. Don’t be surprised if I don’t end up having “Are You SINGING?” t-shirts printed before it’s all said and done and handing them out to random strangers!
Today is “National Lima Bean Respect Day“, and if you think I’m joking … I’m NOT! The powers that be went and made an actual day of honor for what I believe are GOD-FORSAKEN legumes. With that, I am reminded about that day I was SHOOKEN last year by one of those “QUORA QUESTIONS” I love to hate so much that, much like lima beans, are the BANE of my existence:
What extreme measures do ugly people to take to feel good about themselves?
Umm, REALLY? This question is literally unacceptable, because beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, as what may be beautiful to one may not be beautiful to another. One person’s Mona Lisa, Starry Night, or David, might be another person’s dart board, nightmare, or ogre. What a person finds “aesthetically pleasing” is a matter of purely individual perception, reality, value, and belief.
There’s this silly thing I used to say to my kids when they were little:
Not everyone likes lima beans!
These words have always been so beyond fitting in our family, because while some of us all but CRAVE those disgusting legumes, to the rest of us they are the bane of OUR existence.
Meanwhile, my friends … AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH … anyone who uses the word “ugly” to describe a human being, is, IN FACT, the epitome of that very word:
How many of YOU can say that you’re still best friends with your high school sweetheart ~ 38 years and counting ~ and that he still sends you love songs?
Okay, so, maybe “Bad Company” isn’t quite a “love song”, BUT, the mere fact that there’s at least one person in this world who thinks of me when they get Death Punched is as close to a cosmic hug as could be.
That’s the masterpiece of a legacy I’m working on, folks, NOT just the birth and death dates that will be etched in granite on my headstone one day hopefully many years from now. As far as I’m concerned, it looks like I’m KILLIN’ it!
Some years ago, an extremely powerful song was born from one of my favorite albums. That Said song has since become one of my utmost battle cries to the devil:
I’m gonna hit you right where it hurts. I’m gonna give you everything that you deserve. If you need attention … something to say … let’s hear your confession. I am just too hard to break! Your words are reckless … delusional! Inside you’re helpless … far from who you say you are. You try to push me over the edge. I won’t let you pull me down to your level again! And now you’re here to stare me down. And now you’re here to stand your ground. I’ll knock you down … I’ll drag you out … no mercy! How do you like it now?
Bring it! Bring it! I’m still right here undefeated! Say whatever you want … it really don’t mean anything.
Bring it! Bring it! If there’s no fear let me see it! There is nothing you got that will ever get to me!
Guess what, though? Today that song just became one of my utmost battle cries to myself. I didn’t let my anger get the best of me. I kicked my ego’s ass, rose above the hostile, albeit well-deserved feelings I have towards my husband’s THING of a “brother”, and remembered who ABOVE the hell I am! I’m the risen and reigning queen that the “Zack Of Shit” he couldn’t be bothered with left behind.
Very long, complicated, and sometimes ugly story short? Hey, Devil? I WIN! YOU LOSE! The same goes for you, “brother THING”! why don’t you hit me up whenever you need that hundred bucks. It’ll be waiting in my wallet! And by the way, not only is your police pants blue Porsche ASS ugly, you barely fucking fit in it, little big man. Lol! Something tells me that see you next Tuesday Meggy is the one that unfortunate decision for you, kinda like the even more unfortunate one she made for you to piss away your baby brother.
And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away.
The Fossanova Abbey is a thirteenth century Cistercian monastery perched high upon a secluded hill about 60 miles south of Rome. Made almost entirely of travertine, the baron walls of the basilica, devoid of any decoration or artwork, is considered to be one of the finest examples of Gothic architecture in Italy, if not the world. It wasn’t even supposed to be a part of our tour, by the way, and the opportunity to visit availed itself somewhat out of the blue after leaving Pompei.
As Gia and I wandered down each more frugal, if not severe corridor, all we could do was inhale our speechless awe. But it wasn’t until we reached the altar nave that I truly had a moment, when the rose window perched high above a trinity of smaller windows reduced me to tears. It was Him! He was there! I could feel Him gazing down at me with as much pure love and joy as I felt gazing up at Him:
I wept as I saw you aching, broke as I watched you falling, and suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, but I never left your side, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything and all of it“, you’re standing at My high cathedral walls where nothing about your journey has been meaningless or small. I love you, Child. You are warm, well fed, and at peace Here.
At first, I was overcome with what almost felt like grief when it was time to leave. The profound peace I’d felt in His all-encompassing presence there was numbing, if not addictive. For a split second, I’d even thought to myself, “Maybe I could just come back here and live”? So, I began searching for the words to describe to myself what had just happened to me beneath those windows. No, I take that back … what happened within me. That’s when I was pulled back to a song I’ve been listening to for more than two decades. It is, perhaps, one of the best ways I’ve found to even remotely describe the physical manifestation of my heart being compressed as every atom in my body is consumed with the tingling, burning sensation I’ve known for years now when He’s present. It’s a feeling I wish I could just “poof” to all of you:
Lovely traces … I can sense Him in everything. The way that He moves me takes me far away … I seek no escape! I am dreaming through His eyes. I am wandering through His mind. I’m overtaken by the way that He delivers me … I’m transcended. There’s no place I’d rather be than here in Heaven. Without Him I’m incomplete … it’s hopeless! Wholly devoted … I immerse myself in Him. Baptize me in His love, ’cause drowning in the thought of Him haunts my soul. I’m taken by the things He does. It doesn’t matter what I lose … I’m His. Under His command, like a puppet on a string. I am willing to put my faith in Him, so, before the world I sing:He consumes me. He consumes me. Like a burning flame running through my veins. He consumes me. Moves right through me. Any time, any place … He invades my space. He consumes me.
{Words to “You Consume Me” Adapted}
When we got on the bus and were heading back to Rome, I just closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, fully comforted in knowing that not only will I never forget that sacred place, but more so than anything, I was taking those high cathedral walls and the feeling I had there with me. You see, nothing about either my journey through the abbey or this life itself has been meaningless or small. He loves me, consumes me, and dwells WITHIN me. I am warm, well fed, and at peace wherever I roam. Oh, and I truly amHis favorite daughter.
Don’t get me wrong, folks. I don’t do things for anyone from a selfish place. The altruistic soul my skin adorns refuses to give of myself for personal gain. I do what I do for the people in my halo (and sometimes even strangers) from a place of unbridled love and passion for pebble-skipping and wave-making, regardless of whether I’ll ever see the tsunami of fruit from the gifts of my heart and hands. I truly don’t need to be “seen, heard, or appreciated”. It literally sets my soul on fire to at least try to make all the people, places, and things I’ve touched better than I found them, and that feeling is reward enough for me … BUT … I’m not gonna lie, folks … I don’t hate it, either!
With that, I am blasted right back to the past to one of my favorite “oldies but goodies”, Circa 1999, which I am now blasting back out to my babies, my God, and even myself:
Hey, look at me, living life for you. When it’s good. When it’s hard. You know me. You know my heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I give up anything at all when You call. All I know … it’s worth it all!
Make it a powerful Monday, friends! If there’s someone in YOUR life whose works and deeds have made it better, but perhaps you haven’t told them yet, SAY THE WORDS that tell them.
One hasn’t lived until they’ve seen a man who they thought was a tower of steel on the verge of tears after what was probably their last “Daddy/Daughter Dance” until her wedding day. How did this all go so wrong? Please allow me to be a blubbering mess for the remainder of this night, and (PS), grief SUCKS and mental illness can burn in actual HELL!
On second thought, get it etched on the inside of your forearm where my favorite “Secrets Make You Sick” tattoo is so you’ll see it 24/7.
So, let’s think this through …
Close your eyes for a minute and think about something you don’t like. It can be anything from a person, place, or thing, to a fresh hot steamin’ bowl of lima beans (the mere sight of which make me PUKE). Now that you have that “thing” in the forefront of your mind,
I want you to LOVE IT!
Well? Did you do it? Do you “love it” now? Hmm. Why not? Let’s try this again. I am heretofore demanding that you
LOVE that thing you HATE … NOW!
Did it work? Do you love it now? Umm, no! NO, YOU DON’T! No one can MAKE you “feel” anything unless we want to. It’s one of the perks of being a sentient being. There is freedom within within the confines of our own minds to do, say, think, and FEEL whatever the FUCK we want to. It’s our “this is where I END and YOU BEGIN” autonomy!
I personally have a first-hand perspective of having been programmed from birth to adhere to the thoughts, rules, and pathways that the “powers that be” tried to indoctrinate me with. Even so, there is a POWER within and available to us all to FEEL what we feel, and NOT feel what we DON’T. That POWER is mine! That POWER is yours! NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM US! So, why do we just GIVE it away? No one, and I mean NO ONE, can MAKE you “feel inferior” unless you LET them!
If someone is trying to make you FEEL “inferior”, well, that’s about them, not about you, and, umm, it’s prolly ’cause that’s how they FEEL about themselves. The only way a person who “FEELS inferior” can make themselves feel “not inferior”, is to either deal with themselves and take back their own power, or unleash the ill-perceived “strength” they find in their own deflection try to take someone else’s.
Don’t you DARE let me find out that you are one of my people out there running around letting other people bring you down. You are SO much better than that! I PROMISE! Know who you are, own what you feel, and although you certainly don’t have to be a Jean-Claude Van Damn asshole about it, learn to say, “No, THANK YOU!” when it comes to protecting the boundaries around your FEELINGS!
What I love about song by Rascal Flatts is that while it was obviously meant to be about LOVING who you love, you can replace the word love with “FEEL” throughout and still be empowered by it. Make it a great day, my friends, and FEEL what YOU feel, no matter what!
I guess I’ll never understand it. Why do we take it all for granted until it’s gone. FEEL what YOU feel with all that you have, and don’t waste the time that flies so fast. FEEL what YOU feel, and say that you do. Yeah, with every single breath you’re breathing … FEEL what YOU feel! FEEL what YOU feel … again and again and again and again.
{“Love Who You Love” by Rascal Flatts … Words Adapted}
Awwww! How sweet! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, Jean-Claude Van DAMN mother effing hugs! Step right up, folks, ’cause it’s “National Hugging Day“, which I guess means that imma have to stay in my effing house, ’cause umm …
Did you also know that hugs were invented to drive that probably only 0.1% of humanity who not only don’t like hugs, but after they’ve had to cordially, awkwardly, or unexpectedly get hugged by some well-intended “hugger” who prolly didn’t even mean to assault them, they then have to go rinse their body and soul off with SOAP and SAGE quite literally over the edge? Yup. THAT’S ME! I’m one of those oddball “0.1 percenters” who doesn’t really even want to “people“, much less be stood too close to or HUGGED (unless I WANT TO)!
Ironically, if for some strange reason I really DO want a hug or some, err, “other” (wink, wink) kind of physical connection from a MAN, I literally can’t and WON’T keep my hands off him without either a restraining order or death. My poor husband, God rest his soul, had to literally hide from me at times because assaulting his physicality was my favorite recreational sports.
MEANWHILE …
Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Unless I’ve known you for, like, 140 years, and have a VERY close relationship with you … OR I’ve given birth to you … OR you’re going to be party to giving me grandchildren one day … OR I’ve been in love with, engaged to, or married to you … if you see me walking by, look away and don’t get any smart ideas. I may be a “cute” cat at times, but I’ve also been arrested for assaulting someone who physically assaulted me against my will, and will happily go back again.
Now, get out there and just hug the ever loving SHIT out of anyone in your path – BUT – on the off chance that you got this message “loud and clear” and you see me out of the castle today, alls I’m sayin’ is that maybe you could at least just warn a bitch first:
Umm, hi! Did you KNOW that today is National Hugging Day? Guess what, then? INCOMING!
Ten miles from town, and I didn’t break down, and there wasn’t any smoke on the side of the road. I’m here on my own … but I’m not alone … ’cause wherever I am is my home. All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, and although I won’t be laughing with you, I know that all that still matters is love ever after after the life went through. Yes, there’s still life after you.
The Frog may be gone, the Butterfly he left behind still flitters and flutters with reckless abandon through the skies with a tail fire that rivals even the brightest shooting stars.
Some day, God willing, I’ll drive my grandkids back to this place and tell them all about how everyone thought that Crazy Grandma Cat’s husband was nothin’ but a loser who was gonna have us all living under a bridge.
Hey, ladies? Never forget that Prince Charming doesn’t always ride up on a white horse with a sword. Sometimes he rolls in with an ass ugly Ford truck, a giant heart, and a pocket full of dreams. Dig for the gold that you find in their heart … NOT the gold in their wallet. Just have unconditional love for and faith in him, support hisdreams in every way possible, don’t bust his balls while he’s busting his own balls trying to get you that tiara, and just see what might could happen!
The Diary Of My Perfection 