If you know, you KNOW … and by the way, I know you’re stalking this Diary! So, have a nice day all alone on the island you’ve built just for YOU tomorrow, and cheers to me for having a big fat yellow onion on hand at any given time so I can make myself “cry” when this war you created is finally over! Sorry. NOT sorry! Good job, bruh!

🖤

By the way, this same sentiment applies to all you “things with wombs” running around out there who went and sledgehammered those cradles you were supposed to rock and either physically or psychologically FUCKED your babies to their graves. Got it? GOOD!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the rest of you!

Walt Whitman once said,

“If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders”.

Well, if that’s true, it would seem as though I’m only ever anywhere but “here”. I mean, am I “present” when I need to be and “in the moment” when I’m with my loved ones, animals, and responsibilities? You bet, I am. The rest of the time, however, I’m flipping back to all the best parts of my journey … like all the times I’ve been blessed enough to gaze upon gothic cathedrals, castles, cobblestones, and every other epic place I’ve wandered through … in this life and all the others … and dreaming ahead to all the places I’ve yet to see. I’m like … “Real Cat In Wonderland” just Peter Panning my way through THIS spin around the marble and marveling at all the epic wonders that are tattooed across my heart, mind, and soul. It doesn’t suck to be me, by the way. It’s a charmed and whimsical life I live in the space between my ears, and I wouldn’t want to live in anyone else’s head but my own … “crazy” and “nonsensical” as it may be. Just sayin’.

What are some your heart wanders off to? Leave a comment and let me know!

“Oh, I danced with Cinderella! I didn’t miss even one song. Then all too soon the clock did strike midnight, and she … was … gone!”

Meanwhile, although I’m going to drop this here tonight, I’ll have to circle back around to the words I’ll need to properly memorialize this bittersweet day my nest officially emptied. I knew this day was fast approaching. I just didn’t know it would actually be this soon.

How ironic is it that only hours ago I dropped a comment on a fellow squirrel mom’s post about her preparing to slowly begin letting go of her rehabbed fur babies?

Granted, and as you can see from my Life360 screenshot, she’s only 3.5 miles away.

But nevertheless …

the clock has indeed struck midnight for this widowed and now empty-nested momma.

Here’s to the next open pages and chapters for us to write in separate—but also very much not separated—castles.

As for now, I think I’m going to allow myself to sob myself to sleep uncontrollably … because even though this is the way it’s always supposed to be, that doesn’t mean it can’t rip my actual heart out momentarily.

Goodnight everyone, it’s me, CAT!

… because you know you’ve done at least one thing right when you’ve raised a boy into a man who “when in Rome” on a highly secretive special ops mission with his beloved … while tracing the footsteps of our great, great, great, GREAT “Uncle Marcus” (Aurelius) and countless other survivor ancestors in the shadow of the epicenter of what I believe is the most important living symbol of the rise and fall of civilizations, military strategy, and civic administration … stops … to take time … to notice a frigging CROW! 

THAT’S my son, friends, and he is his mother’s child! Despite his kinda rough and tumble appearance and how he’s decided to build his own empire, has the heart and soul of a true animal-loving empath that runs far deeper than any human eye will ever see or mind will fully conceptualize. Oh, and by the way? I MADE HIM! Just thought I’d share. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!!

“The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.”

~ James Patterson ~

This bittersweet and powerful Netflix Famous Last Words interview of Eric Dane, featuring a final message to his daughters, was meant to be released and aired after his passing from a battle with ALS.

Well?

Sadly, he did, indeed, pass today.

Ugh.

Look, if you know anything about me by now, you know that I’m a ball of sometimes extremely polarizing emotions that I wear out loud and either proud or not so proud on my sleeves.

And if you know me even better than well, then you know that while it doesn’t take much to bring tears to my eyes—especially when it comes to tender, sweet, and bittersweet moments involving my children and animals—getting me to cry tears of actual pain and suffering is becoming harder and harder as the days pass by.

Perhaps I’m numb.

Perhaps I’m not even alive anymore and I’m just a vagabond soul with a disheveled shell and really questionable, err, “outfits.”

These “famous last words,” however, literally wrench my soul. It took me all of about 120 milliseconds to drop them here in the Diary—which is, by the way, nothing more or less than a virtual love letter to my babies … and their babies … and their babies.

I’m not gonna lie: I never watched the show he was on, wasn’t a fan because I didn’t know his work, and didn’t know a thing about him.

Lol.

I was “yesterday years old” when I realized he was that “Dr. McSteamy” I’ve oft heard about from other women.

What I do know, however, is that he was a husband and a father, and these final words to HIS babies are impeccable.

Godspeed, Mr. D.

Godspeed.

Dear Diary (and Subscribers):

Unfortunately, I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to write something “fresh and new” for Gina Marie’s 22nd birthday. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having a really, really, really hard time these days. This is the first of all her birthdays when I’ve missed a beat so completely that I don’t even have a basket ready to take to her grave. Truthfully, I’m not sure I’m going to her grave today. I am not a “steel magnolia” at the moment. I am beyond fragile, especially as I sit here writing while the familiar “January 11th” waves crash over me again. I know this feeling will pass. I know that because it always has. But right now, I am letting myself be exactly where I am.

JANUARY 11, 2004: “Hello, Goodbye” …

Dear Me,

You took a shot to the chin? Looks like you just can’t win in this do or die situation. And it’s harder than it seems to survive, keep alive, and make your dreams all come true. Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough!

Sometimes love can make you blue … a heartache made just for you … but you can’t let it bring ya down. If you should stumble, if you should fall, PICK YOURSELF BACK UP OFF THE FLOOR! Fight for what’s right and stand your ground! Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough! When the goin’ gets rough … hang tough! Keep your head above the ground!

Don’t you let it get you down!

Don’t stay locked away inside your room, even though you know what this world is comin’ to. Hummingbird hums ’cause he don’t know the words, and the piper will play, ’cause he don’t know what to say. He’s a lot like you, yeah. Oh, he’s alot like you, yeah. He tries hard every day to be free and fly away. Yeah! HANG TOUGH!

I Love You, Me!

~ You

{Words Adapted}

Some of you may just see a picture of some random black bird sitting on a statue, but I see a bold and brazen corvid staking the claim of one of the most powerful rulers in history, Charlemagne, “King Of The Franks”, the father of Europe.

With that, and in honor both this glorious International Crow And Raven Appreciation Day and my fascination with corvids, allow me to introduce you to Karlsson, a friend and backyard resident of one of my friends and fellow “crowpagandists”, Spitfire Sparky. She snapped these epic shots of him in front of a Hamburg, Germany church in her area.

Meanwhile, good King Karl, who’d have ever thunk that a CROW would take your crown? Surely you must have missed the memo that one should NEVER cross a crow!

Long live the king …

“King Karlsson The GREATER”!

May you serve your brethren well! More importantly, still, ALL HAIL THE KING OF HEAVEN who gifted us with the wonder of these magnificent creatures!

‼️NEWSFLASH‼️

Today is “National Lima Bean Respect Day,” and if you think I’m joking … I’m NOT! The powers that be went and made an actual day of honor for what I believe are GOD-FORSAKEN legumes. With that, I am reminded of that day last year when I was SHOOKEN by one of those “QUORA QUESTIONS” I love to hate so much that, much like lima beans, are the BANE of my existence:

What extreme measures do ugly people take to feel good about themselves?

Umm, REALLY? This question is literally unacceptable, because beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. What may be beautiful to one may not be beautiful to another. One person’s Mona Lisa, Starry Night, or David might be another person’s dartboard, nightmare, or ogre. What a person finds “aesthetically pleasing” is a matter of purely individual perception, reality, value, and belief.

There’s this silly thing I used to say to my kids when they were little:

Not everyone likes lima beans!

These words have always been so beyond fitting in our family, because while some of us all but CRAVE those disgusting legumes, to the rest of us they are the bane of OUR existence.

Meanwhile, my friends … AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH … anyone who uses the word “ugly” to describe a human being is, IN FACT, the epitome of that very word:

Unattractive. Repulsive. Unpleasant. Hideous. Ill-favored. NASTY!

… and, might I add, Jean-Claude Van DAMN kinda disgusting and “GROSS”! [See Below]

Some years ago, an extremely powerful song was born from one of my favorite albums. That Said song has since become one of my utmost battle cries to the devil:

I’m gonna hit you right where it hurts. I’m gonna give you everything that you deserve. If you need attention … something to say … let’s hear your confession. I am just too hard to break! Your words are reckless … delusional! Inside you’re helpless … far from who you say you are. You try to push me over the edge. I won’t let you pull me down to your level again! And now you’re here to stare me down. And now you’re here to stand your ground. I’ll knock you down … I’ll drag you out … no mercy! How do you like it now?

Bring it! Bring it! I’m still right here undefeated! Say whatever you want … it really don’t mean anything.

Bring it! Bring it! If there’s no fear let me see it! There is nothing you got that will ever get to me!

Guess what, though? Today that song just became one of my utmost battle cries to myself. I didn’t let my anger get the best of me. I kicked my ego’s ass, rose above the hostile, albeit well-deserved feelings I have towards my husband’s THING of a “brother”, and remembered who ABOVE the hell I am! I’m the risen and reigning queen that the “Zack Of Shit” he couldn’t be bothered with left behind.

Very long, complicated, and sometimes ugly story short? Hey, Devil? I WIN! YOU LOSE! The same goes for you, “brother THING”! why don’t you hit me up whenever you need that hundred bucks. It’ll be waiting in my wallet! And by the way, not only is your police pants blue Porsche ASS ugly, you barely fucking fit in it, little big man. Lol! Something tells me that see you next Tuesday Meggy is the one that unfortunate decision for you, kinda like the even more unfortunate one she made for you to piss away your baby brother.

Yes, Miss Maggie (may you truly be resting in peace), you really nailed this one on the head! For all those times I’ve ever wondered if anyone really “see me” (especially my babies), all it took was a few truly impeccable words to drive those silly doubts out of the darkness my mind still occasionally wanders through. Even her Dad is “seeing” how hard I’m working to cultivate a bright future for our masterpiece.

Don’t get me wrong, folks. I don’t do things for anyone from a selfish place. The altruistic soul my skin adorns refuses to give of myself for personal gain. I do what I do for the people in my halo (and sometimes even strangers) from a place of unbridled love and passion for pebble-skipping and wave-making, regardless of whether I’ll ever see the tsunami of fruit from the gifts of my heart and hands. I truly don’t need to be “seen, heard, or appreciated”. It literally sets my soul on fire to at least try to make all the people, places, and things I’ve touched better than I found them, and that feeling is reward enough for me … BUT … I’m not gonna lie, folks … I don’t hate it, either!

With that, I am blasted right back to the past to one of my favorite “oldies but goodies”, Circa 1999, which I am now blasting back out to my babies, my God, and even myself:

Hey, look at me, living life for you. When it’s good. When it’s hard. You know me. You know my heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I give up anything at all when You call. All I know … it’s worth it all!

{Michael W. Smith}

Make it a powerful Monday, friends! If there’s someone in YOUR life whose works and deeds have made it better, but perhaps you haven’t told them yet, SAY THE WORDS that tell them.

Now then,

read that again!

On second thought, get it etched on the inside of your forearm where my favorite “Secrets Make You Sick” tattoo is so you’ll see it 24/7.

So, let’s think this through …

Close your eyes for a minute and think about something you don’t like. It can be anything from a person, place, or thing, to a fresh hot steamin’ bowl of lima beans (the mere sight of which make me PUKE). Now that you have that “thing” in the forefront of your mind,

I want you to LOVE IT!

Well? Did you do it? Do you “love it” now? Hmm. Why not? Let’s try this again. I am heretofore demanding that you

LOVE that thing you HATE … NOW!

Did it work? Do you love it now? Umm, no! NO, YOU DON’T! No one can MAKE you “feel” anything unless we want to. It’s one of the perks of being a sentient being. There is freedom within within the confines of our own minds to do, say, think, and FEEL whatever the FUCK we want to. It’s our “this is where I END and YOU BEGIN” autonomy!

I personally have a first-hand perspective of having been programmed from birth to adhere to the thoughts, rules, and pathways that the “powers that be” tried to indoctrinate me with. Even so, there is a POWER within and available to us all to FEEL what we feel, and NOT feel what we DON’T. That POWER is mine! That POWER is yours! NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM US! So, why do we just GIVE it away? No one, and I mean NO ONE, can MAKE you “feel inferior” unless you LET them!

If someone is trying to make you FEEL “inferior”, well, that’s about them, not about you, and, umm, it’s prolly ’cause that’s how they FEEL about themselves. The only way a person who “FEELS inferior” can make themselves feel “not inferior”, is to either deal with themselves and take back their own power, or unleash the ill-perceived “strength” they find in their own deflection try to take someone else’s.

Don’t you DARE let me find out that you are one of my people out there running around letting other people bring you down. You are SO much better than that! I PROMISE! Know who you are, own what you feel, and although you certainly don’t have to be a Jean-Claude Van Damn asshole about it, learn to say, “No, THANK YOU!” when it comes to protecting the boundaries around your FEELINGS!

What I love about song by Rascal Flatts is that while it was obviously meant to be about LOVING who you love, you can replace the word love with “FEEL” throughout and still be empowered by it. Make it a great day, my friends, and FEEL what YOU feel, no matter what!

I guess I’ll never understand it. Why do we take it all for granted until it’s gone. FEEL what YOU feel with all that you have, and don’t waste the time that flies so fast. FEEL what YOU feel, and say that you do. Yeah, with every single breath you’re breathing … FEEL what YOU feel! FEEL what YOU feel … again and again and again and again.

{“Love Who You Love” by Rascal Flatts … Words Adapted}

Ten miles from town, and I didn’t break down, and there wasn’t any smoke on the side of the road. I’m here on my own … but I’m not alone … ’cause wherever I am is my home. All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, and although I won’t be laughing with you, I know that all that still matters is love ever after after the life went through. Yes, there’s still life after you.

The Frog may be gone, the Butterfly he left behind still flitters and flutters with reckless abandon through the skies with a tail fire that rivals even the brightest shooting stars.

Some day, God willing, I’ll drive my grandkids back to this place and tell them all about how everyone thought that Crazy Grandma Cat’s husband was nothin’ but a loser who was gonna have us all living under a bridge.

Though my dwellings have morphed over the years, it’s not where I live or the things I have that define me. My true home is the soul beneath my skin, which I suppose now makes me a turtle, because my “castle” goes with me everywhere. In the meantime, I will never forget where our story began and smile from ear to ear every time I drive by our even think about our little apartment.

Hey, ladies? Never forget that Prince Charming doesn’t always ride up on a white horse with a sword. Sometimes he rolls in with an ass ugly Ford truck, a giant heart, and a pocket full of dreams. Dig for the gold that you find in their heart … NOT the gold in their wallet. Just have unconditional love for and faith in him, support hisdreams in every way possible, don’t bust his balls while he’s busting his own balls trying to get you that tiara, and just see what might could happen!

… and above all things, don’t forget to shine your Light, fly from the inside, and spread your infection everywhere you roam! Sing and scream your joy so loud that even strangers will feel it oozing from your soul!

This world needs every nugget, glimmer, and beacon of of hope it can get. No, God has not forsaken us, but it can sure as HELL feel that way at times. I get it – I do! Even still, the choice is yours to wake up each day and DECIDE to be a Light in SOMEONE else’s darkness, no matter what less than optimal circumstances and storms are befuddling you. Let these words be the song your soul sings to the people in your direct line of FIRE:

When The Sun is hard to find … when it’s raining in your eyes … when the shadows block those pretty little blue skies living inside you. When the falling of your tears, makes a candle disappear … when you just can’t see The Light, baby I’ll find a way to shine. I’ll find a way to shine!

(“Shine” by Keith Urban)

By the way, don’t forget to sing this one to YOURSELF as often as necessary. I sure as HEAVEN do! After all, I am my own greatest love story, so, why shouldn’t I sing love songs to myself? Now, snap to it people! Get out there and SHINE today. Someone on your path might really need to catch your disease.

… and just like that, a very short but powerful 47 second speech by Tyler Perry that I just happened to stumble across tonight became a part of my life story via this Diary because it IS the very short but powerful story of all the bittersweet and beautiful seasons of my extraordinary life.

… and thus, the fourth but probably not last appearance of one of my ultimate “Death Punches” to the heart life songs which is the very first thing that came to my mind when I was listening to this 47 seconds of greatness. For those of you who haven’t heart this beautiful speech yet, know that the “less than a minute” you’ll spend listening to it will be more than worth your investment. ENJOY!

Okay, so maybe the lyrics to this song don’t really speak to the “32 pennies” epiphany I had this weekend while driving home from Nashville. Even so, these words do apply:

Thirty two pennies in a Ragu jar … that’s all I’ve got to my name … but I love her and she loves me … to the pennies it’s all the same.

Meanwhile, and might I just add how frigging cool the power of “music alchemy” is once again? And last, but not least …

To My Kids,

Regardless of the road we’ve walked together and all the sauce your Dad and I spilled on the proverbial table of your lives, always know that “I loved him and he loved me”. You were both born to this world from love.

Although we may not have had the entire dollar to give each other and sometimes even you two, please know with every shred of your beings that your dad and I both did the very best we could with the set of broken utensils from our own childhoods to make you the best damn sauce we could and fill your childhood piggy banks with as many pennies as possible.

If God is the God I know He is and He continues not to forsake me, I have to believe that each of you will add even better ingredients and more and shinier pennies to your own families’ pots of sauce one day. Just “take the best parts of us“, lock them away without the key, and know that win, lose, or draw, we are always by your sides … now … and eternally. I love you.

~ “BMITW”

… and if I die with a penny in my pocket, then I guess that’s all I need!

Dearest ME,

Will you know if it’s happiness you see? Will you feel a different side of me? And if you let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Are you doing the best that you can? We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.

Can you see The Light still needs to shine inside of you through the windows you can’t find? Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.

All you need is a chance to believe.

{Words Adapted by The Real Cat Williamson}

~ Love, Me!

Well, yeah, Me. The Light still does shine inside of me … and no, I will never let you go. We’re The REAL Cat Williamson … “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;”. WE GOT THIS!

e, i, e, i, EWWWW!

… and on that farm he had some BULLSHIT …

e, i, e, i, NO!

I see you’ve got me blocked for some reason. I’d love to know more about that.

Lol! I BET you would!

I was just strollin’ through my calendar, and uh, you probably realize, but it was on this specific date on 1995 when you and I met …

Umm? NO, I didn’t realize!

Crazy, isn’t it? Oh my gosh! 1995. It’s been a minute.

YAH think?

The irony in this actual bottle of douche using the word “crazy” in a sentence is how in the aftermath of the nightmare he put me through, he tried convincing everyone, including me, that I was effing “crazy”.

Meanwhile, guess who’s still calling who after 23 fucking years, still keeping our “special dates” on his calendar, and still thinking of ME when he sees a a drop dead gorgeous woman on social media. Although, I must admit that he was dead-on, tiny balls accurate in that correlation, ’cause, umm, for a “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-ME” year old biotch, I STILL look pretty good. So, with that, “Hey, you … MacHeebie FUCKING Jeebie?”

HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?

If you don’t know what “hoovering” is, it’s a narcissist’s strategy to manipulate IT’S (not “their”) victim and either keep them or suck them back in as “supply“. They use this emotionally abusive tactic when they realize their victim is trying to untangle themselves from their toxic web and get the FUCK away.

For those of you concerned that my Diary entries about him are somehow playing with fire, if MacNumNuts had any sincere interest in me aside from his pathetic desperation, he’d have likely read them by now. Clearly, he has not, because not only does his self-grandiosity and delusion make any attempts at sincerity impossible, if he had read anything about himself here, he’d most likely have slithered back under his rock.

So, with that, I’m MacMOOVING right along now. For the record, the reason I’m publishing this today and not back on April 22nd when the voicemail was sent is because I only recently found both these gems in my blocked contact trash. As I’ve said before, I only ever go digging through the garbage hunting for things that are truly worth my time and attention for repurposing into treasures.

Excuse the mess – I didn’t it you from behind. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine. It’s almost like I’m paralyzed and locked outside myself. I don’t need to concede, because I won’t be someone else! Well, I am not perfect … and I don’t claim to be … and if that’s what you wanted, well then, I’m so sorry! How about a better version of the way that I am? How about a better version that makes me understand? How about a better version of the way that I am? The way I look? The way I speak? HOW ‘BOUT A BETTER VERSION OF ME?

To call it one of my favorites just wouldn’t do it justice. It’s so much more than just a song to me … IT’S A WAY OF LIFE! I will never forget the first time I ever heard it – mid-workout at a gym with a King who truly adored “the version” that I was then. Yet, as I listened to the words, they shredded me in a zillion awful and amazing ways at once. After that, I would listen to it daily as I worked on rewiring my fragile psyche and heal my broken relationship with ME. Then, BAM! Before I knew it, that NASTY habit of refusing to look into a mirror and say, “I LOVE YOU!” just disappeared.

If YOU don’t love you, 100% unconditionally, EVEN on your darkest of days, and value, see, and TREAT yourself as EPIC living masterpiece that you are, why would anyone else?

(“I’m So Vain“)

Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make, and some of the easiest habits are the hardest ones to break.

(“And Then It Was Done“)

With all that being said, and in honor of this and every “Recovery Day International“, please remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while you’re trying to change bad habits. Dare I say that perhaps the worst of them all – “not loving yourself” – can be found at the root of most of the others. The better version of you is counting on you to stay the course, my friend, so, just stay on “Route 66” and give it a try! Do or say at least ONE kind thing while your standing in the mirror for 66 days in a row and see what can happen!