FEBRUARY 28, 2023: “The Gift (Of Weeping)”…

Yes, it’s true … I’m a 2,000%, certifiably crazy, deaf, dumb, and blind, sold-out believer. Yes, it’s also true that I listen to heavy metal music and think that crows are messengers from The Cosmos, which Cosmos is the God I believe in, and yes, even though I have a seriously foul mouth, more than my fair share of flaws, and a few too many tattoos, I have, indeed, read The Bible from cover to cover twice, and YES, my favorite verse in it just happens to be the shortest and therefore easiest to memorize.

That being said, not a day in my life has passed in the 26 years that I’ve had a relationship with Jesus that I don’t mentally picture Him “weeping”. It’s the one image of Him that I hold the very tightest, and yes, I actually “hold” that mental picture of Him weeping near to my heart and “feel” the actual idea of Jesus weeping. He weeps for me. He weeps for you. He weeps for all of this jacked up FUCKING bullshit that He’s watching go down as time passes by and the division in humanity becomes its demise, and WOW, look at me, I just cursed again!

I’m not gonna lie, folks, there’s been a lot of dark and toxic “stuff” hanging in the balance over not necessarily my own head, but the heads of my beautiful children. My one and only son is fighting a domestic and internal war against an enemy that is all but devouring him, which “enemy” is one of the very few people he’s loved, trusted, and had unyielding and completely blind faith in all the days of his life. Meanwhile, as his mother, all I can do is just sit back and watch as he is metaphorically dangling over a muddied swamp with just one beast in it. It’s a hopeless, torturous, and abysmal feeling, because unless and until he can find the strength and courage to finally walk away from that beast once and for all, there is nothing I can do to help him. So, today, amid the carnage and fallout from a battlefield I am literally helpless on, all I could manage to do is feel like weeping. So, guess what?


Weeping is one of the things that makes me a human being and not the monster this world full of Satan’s minions wants to turn me into. If you’ve been around this Diary long enough by now, you know that I have a song for every entry, but that some songs have made an appearance more than once:

By the way, it’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s certainly okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s such a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest: JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept. CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream out loud! Do whatever you must to let yourself feel everything that has hurt you so you can finally let it go!
{“Reopening A Gift ~ April 21, 2008“}

The music loving world received a profound gift in the form of one of the most powerful songs of my own life 16 years ago this day, and now I’m about to hit my knees and thank GOD that He ever gave this offering to me in the first place. If weeping was good enough for His Son, then weeping is good enough for me. I’d be hard-pressed to forget that there are some people in this world who either can’t or simply won’t allow themselves the utmost privilege and honor of “weeping”, because:

I’m so afraid of the gift You gave me.

So many people are afraid to just let all those tears go for fear that once they start they’ll never stop. For those people, I will pray tonight. Everyone should be so lucky as to own the ability to allow themselves to weep and wail when they need to. Sometimes the only way to ensure that the literal storm of tears that is brewing in your heart and soul “will ever stop” is to release them! They’ll stop when they’ve done their job, then start again when they need to get back to work. Goodnight everyone!

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