On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out”. It was as if Zack were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.
So, with that, Happy THREE YEAR Grey-Aversary to me and anyone else who’s riding this beautiful “grey high” train with me to the brighter side of everything you’re painting your legacy with! If you, like many of us, are grieving the loss of someone who you loved … WAIT! NO! … someone who you still love, no matter how long ago it has been, do me a favor and SAY THEIR NAME today!
And remember …
“Death Is NOTHING At All“. I mean, does it HURT that they aren’t still physically “here” with us? HELLO? Of course it does! All of this grief we share is our infinite and unexpressed love for them. They are still here, though … just slipped into the next room … watching, listening, and absorbing all of thisthrough their telescopes. When we say their names, they can hear us, I promise, promise, PROMISE! In the meantime, just keep it GREY today, and don’t forget to listen to our song …
I can’t recall when a morning news story ever made me so fucking happy. I literally cried tears of joy for this man and his family when I heard these words from his mouth:
So, I made them a deal today, and I’m gonna stick to it. After this year, I am going to make one more Five Finger Death Punch album and then I am retiring from heavy metal.
A dear friend and highly intuitive Death Punch sister I was talking to this morning said that lately she’d been sensing a sort of “death” with him. In fact, we’d both been feeling that something’s been a little bit off in his world, though not necessarily in a bad way, but neither of us could put our finger on it. Well, there we have it! As it turns out, the death she’d been sensing was a metaphor for an ending. The “death” of this chapter of his beautifully dirty, poetic life, and the birth of an entirely new one. It’s “phoenixry” at it’s finest!
As I’ve been scouring through this news today, I read, “Well, let’s just hope that the next 5FDP album will come as late as possible”. Yah, yah, I get it. We’re gonna miss him. But I couldn’t disagree more. For as much as I have come to love, respect, and adore him, not as a “rock star”, but a human fucking being, it’s only right to let him go in peace without a fight.
Nothing would make me happier then to never see his face again, be it on a stage or social media where we’ve all relished being a part of his “family” if that meant he was riding off into the sunset and sanctuary of his truly personal life and endeavors. No man is more deserving of the next rebirth that will surely come from fading the bright lights that have both propelled and devoured him, into the quieter lights of his real family’s hearts and eyes. After all the tiny pieces of his broken, risen, but probably exhaustedphoenix soul that he’s literally bled out to the masses, no man has earned the right to finally rest his wings and fly back home to the ones he fought so hard to keep living for. C’mon, people! Those bright lights almost fucking blinded him, and I know for a fact that he’s given the actual shirt off his back to some of us. Also? Let’s face it. Not everyone has been so grateful for his contributions to both the arts and humanity. So, he’s damned if he does and damned if he don’t. Still, the vultures have picked at his living carcass enough, don’t ya think?
There’s a song I’ve always loved and have listened to for years by another band, Cold. The poignant words are clearly written from the perspective of a weary musician:
Whatever you became, blame it on my fame. Always away from you … sold my life for a song. Whatever you feel, I take it on my stage. I sing to the world for you … and I’m always alone.
These days, I think about him when I hear this song. I say to myself, “Damnit, Ivan, we love you! We ALL mother fucking LOVE you! But haven’t you’ve spent way more than your fair share of all of your power and grace on us? Just free yourself and go home.
This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. Do everything within your power to ensure that when your door closes for the very last time you leave your light on for the people you’ve left behind and not just a darkened void. It’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.
Well, guess what, Fucker? I’m saying “job well done”! While I realize this process isn’t going to happen overnight and we’ll still have some good times to share with you, know that when the last of those lights on your stage go down, the one you’ll have left behind for all of us will keep on burning bright through that void.
Those of us who’ve been paying attention know that aside from your family, there are still many gifts and contributions you’re working on leaving behind for the cause you’re so fucking passionate about. And hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll even find a true and proper queen to ride off into that sunset with. You deserve that, too, my friend, and I’m praying that you’ll find her!
~ The Phoenix Rests ~ (A “Midjourney” Creation By @archinorn)
It’s no longer a big secret that I had a twisted and dysfunctional childhood, and also no secret that some of my mental pictures aren’t so homespun and stellar …
… BUT …
… I very much DO also have some precious and beautiful memories seared so deeply into the skin of all my days gone by that they’re a virtual tattoo inside my mind.
It’s raining, grey, and what some might consider miserable here in Dallas this afternoon, but as I walked into the kitchen just now and saw my favorite “Mindset Is Everything” coffee mug sitting on the table amidst a pile of skeletons and spookiness I’m about to HAUNT The Williamson Manor with, I literally snapped back in time to the MANY “Sundays” with my mom and HER coffee cup sitting around our often very rainy, New England kitchen table.
You see, Sundays were ALWAYS our “Green Stamp” days, and I fondly remember the countless hours she would spend with us at our tiny wooden table as she’d bust out all the stamps she’d collected for that week and let me and my sister help her put them in her books. We’d sit around that table drawing circles in “the catalog” around all the treasures we were saving for while having our little mother daughter chit chats about life.
For God’s sake, I even smelled the giant pot of scratch made Italian “gravy” that was ALWAYS simmering in the background while we were stamping our fingers to the bone, and how as all this was happening on those cozy afternoons, there was the best anxiety EVER simmering in my gut because I knew that soon my beloved Grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins would all be coming over for our weekly “family dinnuh”!
Jean-Claude Van DAMN I’m so proud to be turning “Fifty-THREE-It’s-SO-Good-To-Be-ME” next week, and while I do so adore all you young ones out there, grab a pen and paper and take NOTES from ALL of s “OMG, they’re like, SO old” ones, ’cause we know EXACTLY how to keep on keepin’ it REAL!
Meanwhile, as I’m writing this, my girls are upstairs all hunkered down in their fluffy pajamas and blankets as the storms are moving in while I’m downstairs just doing the mom thing. I’m overwhelmed with joy and an abundance of gratitude that I not only do I get to live this ethereal existence, but that my heart has been broken and put back together well enough to know that even when I’m not sifting through the ashes of my life, there is still so much beauty to be found in them that it just shows up during the storms like a ray of light shining through my soul. I am blessed.
… and THIS, my friends, is yet another“Grey HIGH” moment from my virtually tattooed heart and love-filled Williamson Castle to yours. Oh, and (PS) … there’s something that I’ll hope you’ll remember …
Okay, SO, in the aftermath of last night’s Five Finger DEATH PUNCH to my face …
LET’S TALK!
To begin, what are the chances that after having made my “Inside Out” post yesterday that THE song they’d come out to WAS “Inside Out”? Was it coincidence? Was it “F8“? Hmm. Imma have to go with the latter!
Meanwhile …
While he didn’t even sing “The Brighter Side Of Grey” in this set like we’d all hoped would happen so that we could finally give Gia the letter Zack wrote her in the months before he left in what is now clear contemplation of his suicide, here’s what DID happen at the show …
Ivan very clearly acknowledged us several times throughout the night, to the point where the lady behind us said, “Wow, they must actually know Ivan or something”. He would fist bump his heart then “throw it back to us”, and he waved at us a couple of times, too.
He kept throwing random water bottles out into the crowd, but then he threw one specifically our way and motioned for Christian to catch! Lol. Ask me if I drank the water that was left in it after IVAN had drank from that bottle, too. Umm, that would be a YUP … so if Ivan has any weird diseases or anything, let me ASSURE YOU that now I do, too!
THEN, after the last song, “The Bleeding”, was over, the arena lights went on and he was laughing that all had to be QUIET because of the city ordinances and said, “that sucks ass”. But THEN he walked back over and pointed directly to ME again after having already done it from the platform he was standing on. So, the kids were saying, “Mom, Ivan’s talking to you”, at which point I looked up and he pointed and motioned for me to walk towards him.
THEN, I headed through the pit towards the edge of the stage where he was waiting for me, he motioned for me to give him the banner I’d made for him that was still in my hands and the security guard handed it up to him. He signed it, “I love you”, then told me he’d been trying to make sure I knew that HE knew we were there but that the lights were making it hard for him to make eye contact.
THEN, he handed the sign back down and SAID, “I love you woman”, stood up, walked away without signing ANYONE else’s stuff, and disappeared to the back of the stage.
Yah. I’m like a kid on Christmas day this week. It was the MOST ethereal moment of my life. He made an actual spectacle out of me and my kids and it was NOT not fucking amazeballs!
All that being said, and as far as not getting to hear “The Brighter Side Of Grey” and finally give Gia “the letter”? Well, I’m just taking that as a sign from The Cosmos that it’s still not time for her to either hear that song or read Zack’s bittersweet “in case I’m gone tomorrow” words. When it’s time … it will be time … and not one single second before. Trust me when I tell you that she WILL not hear that precious, life-changing gift of a ballad until the day she gets to hear Ivan singing it in person. I’m at total peace with that plan going forward.
Next stop? I’m driving back to Tennessee on November 17th to join a fellow “suicide widow” Knucklehead friend of mine who was going to be attending the show in Knoxville all alone until I Bogarted her party and invited my own damn self to go with her! God Himself knows how much I love Tennessee, loved driving back and forth to Tennessee, and love, love, LOVE a good SOLO road trip!
THEN? I’m taking the kids to Vegas for my Christian’s BIG 30TH BIRTHDAY WEEK where we’ll all catch the Five Finger Death Punch December 17th show with Brantley Gilbert.
All in all it’s a good life! I got what I want … I can’t complain! I am living the good life … a toast to you now … it’s all SHAM PAIN!
Hmm. Let’s see, is there anything ELSE? Oh, yah, I think there kinda is …
Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m a “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” going on “fifty-THREE-It’s-Good-To-Be-ME” next week year old heavy metal band groupie FREAK!
… that time my daughter and I were in a Five Finger Death Punch promo video!
Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved, you can almost forget that you were ever created to cry in the first place.
It’s been just over three years since the love of my life stopped not just his own world, but all of ours as well, in the most egregious, abysmal, and literally psychotic course of events that any of us could have possibly foreseen or imagined.
But you see, in case you haven’t noticed, despite all the heaping piles of BULLSHIT every one of you mother fuckers dumped on my shoulders and how hard you tried to break my spirit, my heart, and steal my beautiful soul …
If I’ve learned anything in this last fifty something years, it’s that the only person who ever had the power to destroy me was ME, and the only person who was ever meant to save me was ME. In many ways, I’ve been both my own Judas and my own Jesus, and you NEVER had control! So, you can wipe them away, all those silly fuckin’ grins, ’cause I’m so DONE listening to your mother fucking’ side! Please be sure and tell your friend Irony to actually go and SUCK IT, ’cause the very things that were meant to steal my Light, clip my wings, and turn me inside out, ONLY helped me see better, fly stronger, and elevate me.
So, with that, I’ve really gotta run. I have the concert of my lifetime awaiting me and mine, and I’m not letting ANY of you kill my buzz. I made the entire lot of you my mother fucking bitches, and now I’m just so over it!
~ Queen Catherine
INSIDE OUT
Take it, I don’t need it. I don’t wanna hear your mother fuckin’ side. You can love it, or you can leave it, because nothing I say and nothing I feel is right. Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t understand. While I’m sitting up here dying, you’re just holding out your hand. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have explained, ’cause you don’t know the difference between violence and pain. There’s no denying it, you’ve never had control! I stand alone. Guess I knew it all along. Yes, I knew that you were wrong, how you left when I was down. I want you to say it was never really me. You just turned and walked away! How you turned me inside out! Inside out! I’m not a dog. I’m not a slave. It doesn’t matter how much money I get paid. I give a shit. I never did. So, you can wipe it away, that silly fuckin’ grin! If I wrote it down for you, could you ever see it clear? Or would it go straight through your soul and come right out your ear? If I slowed it down for you, would you think me insincere? Cause in the end I’ll never bend, I’ll never shed a tear! There’s no denying it, I’ve always had control. {Five Finger Death Punch}
The new album dropped at midnight and it’s mind-blowing, but I got stuck on one song, “All I Know”. Meanwhile, while we were on a chat with him in the wee hours of the morning, Ivan said that the whistling at the intro just came to him one night while he was at his cabin in Wyoming. He said he’d been laying in bed, heard whistling outside his window, then just got up and started writing.
Now, here’s where this “Death Punch” may throw you for a loop, ’cause I’m about to go somewhere that some of you don’t wanna go.
I believe that the higher power who I call by the name of “God” is running this greatest show on Earth gig. As far as I’m concerned, creation itself is a musical composition straight from His heart to our souls, and the beings He specifically chooses to make music of every kind are His tuning forks:
“But now bring me a musician.”
Then it happened, when the musician played, that the hand of the Lord came upon him.
[2 Kings 3:15 NKJV]
Meanwhile …
Zack used to whistle and hum all the fucking time, so, before Ivan talked about it, I’d already been captured by that whistling and listening to it over and over. It was one of the most ethereal moments I’ve ever experienced in my life. “From Zack’s soul, to God’s ears, to Ivan’s mouth”, then POOF! “A seemingly magical process of transformation” through the creation of the hauntingly beautiful whistle at the beginning of a song that echoed to me just like the many other voices from my past that I believe sending me messages:
Somehow, the haunting intro to this song with its echoes of what seem like my ancestors calling to me, channeled me back to either the wild, wild west or some ancient arena in Spain where kill or be killed was the fucking assignment, much like it is today during “times like these” when we’re all just fighting not only to survive, but fighting for the will to survive.
Much like my “Brighter Side” moment in March of 2020, I believe that Zack needed me to hear the powerful message in this song, so, God used Ivan’s whistling to do it. That’s right folks, love it or hate it, and as impossible as it may be to conceptualize, as far as I’m concerned, Ivan isn’t just some rock star who jumps around on stages worldwide and entertains the masses. His purpose here is so much bigger than perhaps even he will ever know. He’s a “universal elixir” and tuning fork that God is using to perpetuate His greatest alchemy of all … MUSIC!
I don’t think that I’m crazy. Yeah, but how would I know, when the voices remind me that it’s all just for show. Well, I thought I had answers, but the questions have changed. It’s so hard to feel anything when I’ve only known pain. Pain. You can cast me out and dig my hole. Spit on my grave. Curse my soul. You can hold me down and not let go, but the devil you fear is all I know. And the road that’s less traveled, well, it’s all that I’ve known. Every time I look backwards, there’s still so far to go. If I’m born to be broken … cold, bloody, and numb … tell me, why am I running? What am I running from? From? As I sit here in silence, all alone in myself … who the hell would believe me? Better yet, who would I tell? I can’t tell. {Five Finger Death Punch}
… because some memories are so much better than others, ESPECIALLY ones like these that remind you yet again that although the MOST beautiful season you shared with him is over, the many powerful and life-changing words of affirmation he wrote across your heart are not.
I’m proud of myself right now for seeing this “memory” today and not shedding a single tear. Rather, all I could do is smile with pride, because after all was said and done, and although at first I couldn’t see the me he saw on those days he’d FORCE me to look at myself in a mirror and try to see myself through his eyes, I see her loud and fucking clear these days not only every time I HAPPILY look into a mirror, but even more so when I look at my kids. They are my legacy. They are the reason he fought so hard for me to make peace with my own reflection.
In my heart, I think he always knew he wouldn’t be here with me until the end, which is why he was hell bent on preparing to LITERALLY rise above his ashes. God knew it, too, so maybe that’s why God sent him to me in the first place, just as maybe I was meant to be HIS “crowning achievement”. The day he died, I became his legacy, and so on the circle goes …
… ’cause when it’s a 4:30am covert meeting of a pirate sage and his faithful crew, this shit just hits a little bit harder. Jean-Claude Van DAMN he’s so right …
i AM a “PERFECT MISTAKE”!
It’s taken all of the people in the history of my family tree, and the masterful compilation of their comings and goings, hunting and gathering, scavenging and foraging, falling and rising, destroying and building, sinking and swimming, killing and conquering, lying and truth telling, silence and screaming, plus some perfectly imperfect genetic coding to create this glorious fucking STORM I am.
I love you Catherine Williamson! Not just some of you – ALL of you!
My husband found me (or did I find him?) when I was at my rock bottom worst in every possible mental and physical way:
For 16 years I have searched for my own reflection in another person’s eyes, but could never find it. I looked in the mirror and felt ugly. I felt dirty, empty, and invisible. I see the way people look at me but have never understood it. What the hell could anyone possibly see? There’s nothing here. I’m hollow. “Lights, smoke, and illusion!” Please, please, please Henrik, hear what I am saying. Last July, when it was finally time for the doctors to take the bandages off my chest and stomach, I came home and couldn’t even walk past a mirror, much less look inside one. I knew then that my destruction was finally complete, but just didn’t know how to reckon myself with the reality. That’s when I decided to not EVER search for my missing reflection again, whether in a mirror or through the eyes of another! I just gave up. Two full days passed before I was finally able to take my shirt off and I couldn’t actually look at myself for weeks. When the day finally came, I just stood there and cried. I touched my scars, held my stomach, dropped down to my bathroom floor, and cried for so many hours you can’t imagine. I have played the game very well I might add with the cards I’ve been dealt in a manner that would cause no one I love to suffer.
It was his unconditional love for me just the way I was that chased away the clouds of “imperfection” that had once loomed over my head. Slowly, but surely, I became less afraid to surrender “all of me” to not just my love for him, but the love I’d always needed for myself.
God Himself knows how much I do truly love myself now, PERFECT MISTAKES AND ALL, and not a day passes that I don’t stillstand in the mirror and literally see my husband, my God, my angels, my ancestors, and even a few of my demons standing right behind me whispering:
They’re the pirates who came before me and the zephyrs in my sky who forged this path and built this mountain for me to stand on as they push me into the perpetual state of punctuation and magic I’ve become as I navigate this sea of madness. In the meantime, as I continue to soar through these golden years of mine, “I’ll be wearing steel that’s bright and true and carrying the news that must get through! I hold no quarter! No quarter, oh!”
I love you dearly, Ivan Moody, my kindred soul and friend. I cannot tell you how long I’ve waited for the perfect time, space, and words to blog this song. It was one of his favorites and I listen to it often. He truly believed that he was a pirate in another life, and the first time I ever heard him say it, I thought he was just being silly. He wasn’t. Every single time that man stared out across an ocean amid our many adventures, he insisted that he’d been out there before. The funny thing is that while searching for the missing pieces of himself that he’d never known anything about because of his abysmal childhood, the Ancestry report we fetched really did seem to point in that direction. Meanwhile, here I am, just swabbing the deck of my proverbial ship, and I cannot thank you enough. Your words of wisdom and the magic in your alchemy never cease to amaze me. I truly hope that they’re blowing through the sails of some other jacked up pirates’ sails, too.
NO QUARTER
Close the door, put out the light. No, I won’t be home tonight. The snow falls hard and don’t you know? The winds of Thor are blowing cold. I’m wearing steel that’s bright and true and carrying news that must get through. I choose the path where no-one goes. I hold no quarter, no quarter, oh! Walking side-by-side with death. The devil mocks my every step, ooh. The snow drives back the foot that’s slow. The dogs of doom are howling more. I carry news that must get through to build a dream for me and you, oh, oh, oh. This path I choose where no one goes … I hold no quarter, oh. {Led Zeppelin}
Ain’t it funny how things happen? I mean, c’mon people … do any of you still only believe in random coincidence? As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m yummily wrapped up in one of the king’sgrey sweaters that on any other given Monday would have traveled in Gia’s backpack to her dad’s house. But for the fact that I just happened to be doing laundry last night instead of on my regularly scheduled Sunday, it wouldn’t have been here to greet me this morning when I decided to just make it a “grey day” and stay home to enjoy the peaceful oblivion of my happily solitary existence. Hell, I wasn’t even done reveling in and relishing the last four beautiful days I had of time spent with my precious kids and family, the message I got from Skid Row, and that fucking EPIC German schnitzel sandwich situation. I mean, BRING IT you badass fucking Cosmos …
I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!
Meanwhile, I popped on to the Instagram earlier today only to find that while I was busy “queening” around the castle in one of the best “grey highs” I’ve had in months, that today marked yet another powerful Death Punch moment. It was the release of the official “Brighter Side Of Grey” video:
It’s hard to believe that our last record “F8” came out over 2 years ago in the beginning of 2020, born into the whirlwind of events that dominated our lives and will echo into the rest of our history. Those of you intimately familiar with that album, now know how some of F8’s dystopian lyrics became rather prophetic. Brighter Side of Grey was an important song on that record, but especially personal to Ivan (who’s the only parent in the band). It is a more than fitting commentary to what’s going on in the world that probably needs a good reminder right about now that we are here only for second, a tiny blip on the flow of time… not just as individuals but as an entire species.It took a trillion conditions to be just right for human life to exist in this Universe, yet it takes just one to go terribly wrong and make it all disappear. This song also serves as the perfect bridge to our new album we just finished this week, which generally revolves around similar existential questions. It’s incredible how much we don’t understand about our own existence, yet everyone’s relationship with the concept of death permeates, even orients their entire lives. Can’t wait to share it… enjoy this video and stay tuned for new music and big tour announcements in the very near future!
In case you didn’t get the memo yet, this isn’t just another song and grey isn’t just a color. “The Brighter Side Of Grey” is an entire mindset and way of life for me:
Grey is not just a color to me – IT’S EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN! It’s the grace I’ve received that is so undeserved yet given to me anyway by The One who has never loved me with black and white conditions. He “takes the best parts of me and locks them away without the key” and I know that He is never far away. He’s the Light that shines ahead of my journey and dilutes the blackness of the abyss into the most beautiful shades of grey. For more than four decades, I lived a black and white existence with no room for the forlorn grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace you can imagine. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and there is always a “Brighter Side Of Grey”. I’m not gonna lie … it is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I hear as they bid me farewell.
I could keep going on about the “grey” of it all, but honestly, I’m so done writing about it. Now, I just want to live in it! I want to sit back, relax, and inhale all my life nuggets of goodness.
Today is a good day in the music world, people. Not just for the factions of knuckleheads like me who’ve been anxiously waiting for this video, but likewise for anyone who sees it, hears the words, and really bites in to its sobering and bittersweet message.
This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. So, do everything in your power to ensure that when that door closes behind you for the very last time, you leave a light on for your people and not just a darkened void. It’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.
… ’cause when you see a random picture then immediately hear one of your “Top 10” favorite life songs playing in your head, you know said picture wasn’t random:
Show me a sign to a light that shines one direction into another … sheltered peace of mind.
No, this isn’t just a random picture of a rock star hugging his daughter. It’s a message of hope and healing to every parent in this jacked up world who is hell bent on changing the generational curses and toxic narratives that have haunted their family tree for years.
Somewhere I lost a piece of memory, but somehow, I know my legs will carry me. Searching for circle’s end, hoping the wounds will mend.
Yes, it’s true. Somewhere I have lost so many pieces of my memory. But then again, no, I really haven’t. You see, it’s all the little jacked up, fucked up, and also very beautiful mental nuggets I keep stored in this rabbit-hole head of mine that keep me safely anchored to my own soul while I’m out there perpetually searching for the circle’s end. It’s also why I’m cosmically drawn to other “apostrophes” in this world who somehow manage to crash my pity parties with signs like these of positivity and optimism right on cue when my burgeoning pessimism needs to be redirected into better and more constructive thinking. It’s how I’ve managed to become the “nothing, everything, and all of it” that I am, and truth being told, I wouldn’t have it any other fucking way.
Today has been a very good day and I’m thankful for this “light in the dark”. Truth being told, I’ve been kinda struggling with some tired old, familial demons of my own as of late, so I really needed to see this picture and the video that inspired it to remind me to keep looking for the signs of hope as my legs carry me forward as the living embodiment of power and grace I’ve truly become.
As and aside, if you ever actually read this Ivan, please know that I am so beyond proud to know you, my Phoenix friend, even prouder of your “little girl”, and forever grateful for the many unintentional ways your journey has intersected with mine as my paths keep changing from one direction into another and I cross all these bridges alone (but never lonely). If that voice of yours was only ever meant to reach just one other person’s ears and make their internal voices a little messy, then I’d say you’re doing a bang up job! I hear you, see you, and feel you loud and clear, and I know I’m not the only one. Much love to you and yours, my friend. Keep on keepin’ on one day and “little nugget” at a time!
INTO ANOTHER
Slowly I heal the love that’s found its way on to another path in times of change. Crossing that bridge alone, hoping our strength will hold. Should they let go then let me lay. Let me lay. Show me a sign to a light that shines one direction into another – sheltered peace of mind. Somewhere I lost a piece of memory, but somehow I know my legs will carry me. Searching for circle’s end, hoping the wounds will mend. Should this scar, then it was meant to be. {Skid Row}
Today marks an incredibly powerful day in the Five Finger Death Punch family with the release of the official “Tragic Truth” video:
We wrote “Tragic Truth” in 2011 for the “American Capitalist” album, but it simply wasn’t finished by the manufacturing deadline. Since the song was very important to us, we didn’t want to wait and hold it until the following album, so it was added as a bonus track to the digital edition.Consequently, it never really got the attention we intended for it and a lot of our fans are not even aware of its existence. It’s been a conversation for years to somehow circle back to this song, and we felt right now, on Ivan’s birthday, and two months from his 4th sober anniversary it is probably as good of an occasion as it can be to release this music video; as it is a visual journal of our story. The battle with addiction … the pain … the chaos … life and even death. A celebration of a victory, Ivan’s rebirth into a new life. It is also a message for those who are battling addiction right now: you are more than your addiction, and you are never alone. Seek help, fight back, it’s never too late… Ivan came back from the dead, literally. He was so far gone, if he can do it – you can do it. Let this be a testament to that.So, with that said, Happy Birthday Ivan! Congratulations on your new lease on life. And thank YOU to all the fans who stood by us all these years, supported us, supported him, and have been the catalyst of his recovery.
As for me? Of the now 466 entries published in this Diary, “The Cosmic, NOT Tragic Truth” is one of my personal favorites. The cryptic role it played in my healing from and making peace with Zack’s suicide literally defies conception:
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth.The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! I just know it. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. NO MORE VOICES SCREAMING IN HIS HEAD!
After seeing it the first time, I watched it over and over. The more I watched, the more I ached, and I know exactly why I was so compelled to keep torturing myself with it. It’s a catharsis I needed, so, I was emotionally cutting myself because there are clearly some feelings about the last months of his life that I’ve still yet to fully bleed out.
I cannot tell you how many times in days since he left us that I’ve had random flashes of the countless times I saw Zack literally holding his head in his hands the way that Ivan does in the video. He was desperately trying to quiet all the voices that were screaming inside his mind and fend off the demons that were devouring him. I kept asking him what was wrong, or if his head hurt, or for God’s sake why was he covering his ears that way. His response was always the same:
They keep screaming at me, Catherine. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THEM STOP!
I’m not gonna lie, but his sobering words in those moments and the helpless looks upon his face may haunt me for the rest of my life.
As for me? Although I’m not an alcoholic, I have suffered with and am in recovery from both a “creature” of my own and a complicated mental illness. For that reason, I made the personal decision to lead a sober lifestyle, and had my last drop of alcohol on March 26, 2021, at 4:40pm. Yes, I know the exact date and time because I have proof via a credit card charge from “The Shot Lady” in Nashville, Tennessee. My decision was made in support of not just Ivan’s “SOBER AS FUCK” journey and platform, but anyone else who is fighting that fight, not the least of which is someone very close to me who has yet to recognize his own tragic truths, and yet another who already has.
If you haven’t heard this song yet, YOU SHOULD! Especially if you or someone you love has ever struggled with an addiction or mental illness. Always remember that not everyone survives the “tragic truth” of their journey, so we must truly celebrate the lives of everyphoenix who does and support them in their flight. The wings a recovery warrior flies with were forged in a fire that not everyone makes it out of alive, and some of us had to actually die first before we could live.
You know, I’ve been asked a couple times why I always write “power and grace” and “love and respect” … It takes two things to make it in this world: Power and grace. Being powerful enough to project and to be assertive and stand for what you stand for, but have it be graceful at the same time, and having gratitude for those that, you know, come in contact with you, and so on and so forth. Love and respect, he said, was the second half of that, because to have power, you have to show those two things ~ love and respect. To have grace, you have to own both of those things ~ love and respect.
I think I’ve always known that I was the epitome of “Power & Grace“, it just took me a minute to figure it out. I’ve never been a fan of being defined by other peoples’ reflections, because God Himself knows that for far too long it was all the words, labels, and black and white BOXES the people who never really knew me used to confine me and mangle and clip my wings. Thankfully, however, now that I’ve grown into my OWN beautiful skin, I no longer give credence to anyone else’s reflection of me but mine. Yet, as I sit and ponder the magnitude of these two most powerful words, I fall back to these words from one of my favorite songs that I’ve now tweaked to apply and sing to myself the way that I always do:
It was all those days my world’s gone wrong. I’ve screamed until my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turned to pain as I awoke to what remained and sifted through the ashes that were left. But buried deep beneath all my broken dreams, I had this hope that out of these ashes beauty would rise and I would dance among the ruins and I would know the joy had come.
I took another breath until now and let the tears come washing down, and when I couldn’t believe, He believed for me and had the signs of spring for me to watch and see! Then I heard it in the distance! It wasn’t too far away! It was the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast! I could almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new”, and then He made it all new and took my breath away with the power, grace, and beauty that He made of me from out of the ashes.
{“Beauty Will Rise” by Steven Curtis Chapman}
I am truly thankful to see myself through Ivan’s words, as he’s someone I’ve clearly grown to “love and respect” for reasons that most people simply wouldn’t understand. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … he really does “put the phoenix in phoenix“. I mean, the man literally rose from the dead! Like me, he’s been “woven in a black and white tapestry sewn with blood and tears”, and I will treasure both this book and his words to me forever.
As and aside, I am thoroughly enjoying “Dirty Poetry” and have been through it cover to cover seven times now. Just as I’d long suspected they’d be, having listened to the messages in his music and heard him speak to his fans, his words are a rabbit hole of his twisted thoughts and dreams. To me, he’s a modern day Kafka, who up until now was the only writer with whom I could truly relate. I’m not gonna lie, I never really thought that anyone could out-Kafkaesque the “Die Verwandlung” that often creeps through my mind, but damn he’s gone and done it! There are so many pieces of not just me living inside the pages of this book, but as well the pieces of the very few people I’ve truly loved in this world, not the least of which was my husband.
Yesterday, one of my “life partners” of sorts, who has now become a dear friend, called me up and all but insisted that I “find myself a cocktail dress, slap on some make up, and get to downtown Dallas” for a once in a lifetime chance to see an actual living masterpiece, Andrea Bocelli. As I had adamantly planned not to see any post pandemic concerts until it could be Ivan Moody and Five Finger Death Punch, I almost backed out after I’d already agreed to go, because I didn’t want to break the deal I’d made with myself to hold out for Death Punch with both the kids so that hopefully they’d finally get to hear “The Brighter Side Of Grey” live on stage.
In being honest, even as much as I love all genres of music, opera has never really been my thing, but it was Zack’s, and seeing Bocelli in concert had long been on his Bucket List before he left. Knowing him the way that I did, if he were still alive, we’d have had front row center seats at any cost, because that’s how much he loved Bocelli. Meanwhile, I did decide to go after all – not for me – but to honor one of his dreams. I’M SO GLAD I DIDN’T BAIL!
I cried most of the night, all but lost it at Amazing Grace, and I’ll never be the same again after this night. Of note, when Andrea and his daughter sang Ave Maria, my friend turned me and said:
Cat, Zack is here right now. Can’t explain it. I just know it and feel it in my soul.
In my heart of hearts, I know that she was right! Not many people will ever have the chance to see a true “living masterpiece” in concert, and I am firmly convinced that I was very much supposed to be at that performance. Hearing Andrea Bocelli tonight was no different to me than if I had been given the chance to sit down beside Leonardo DaVinci while he was giving birth to the Mona Lisa.
Once again, I am blessed and grateful beyond words, and forever changed for the better. How could I have possibly known that within the course of less than 36 hours I’d be adding then scratching off an item from my own Bucket List that I never even knew was meant to be on it? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I truly am God’s own favorite daughter and the luckiest queen on the face of this entire planet.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, I had to learn the bittersweet lesson that sometimes you actually do have to die inside a little (and sometimes even a lot) in order to be reborn into the strongest, wisest, most authentic version of yourself so you can leave this world a little better than you found it.
Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! I’m Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True, a divine apostrophe, a giant mystery, and alsoa living phoenix. Good GRIEF, how in actual Heaven will any of you people ever be able to make a single bit of sense out of me? Meanwhile, I’m not gonna lie … seeing this gift I had made for one of my favorite ghosts of all resting on that spot behind him literally made my day. I’VE GOT IVAN’S SIX!
Phoenixes don’t fall – WE RISE – and we always stick together, even when we’re flying solo!
So, Cat, how’d that whole “family dinner” project turn out?
SUCCESS!
This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape, and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.
To anyone reading this who’s at odds with one of “your people” or even yourself, it’snever too late to start again! Indeed, it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.
You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for any of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you that forgiveness is EVERYTHING! Besides, as I’ve said before and will now say again, it’s not time that heals our wounds, its what we do with that time that heals our wounds. Learning how to forgive not just ourselves, but others as well for the crime of being human, is not only the most healing medicine of all, but also one of the purest forms of self-love and care.
Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well and spend those seconds wisely so that if you must leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES“!
On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out”. It was as if Zack were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.
Today I celebrate!
TODAY I’M THANKFUL!
Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years of life, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song, and I fully intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my absurd and beautiful life.
Since COVID crashed our concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter Zack wrote before he left. She knows this song exists but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it live on stage. That will be the night I finally let her read the words he wrote to her “in case he was gone tomorrow”. PLEASE listen to this song, my friends. It may just change the trajectory of your own legacy and how you look at “grey” forever.
… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …
… and also …
Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.
… but here’s the deal:
Life isn’t one solid picture and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So, why do we even need to define it? Fate? Destiny? Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything by now, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is … OH, that’s right … there isn’t one! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect timing and let them fall in place.
The “big picture” you see above is actually a screenshot of my Instagram, where I dropped nine separate pieces of my favorite album of all times. You know, the one with The Brighter Side Of Grey. I asked my followers to back out of the post to see “F8” in the bigger picture.
Sometimes, in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the end just the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your mosaic reveal itself at it’s own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered, then put back together as a masterpiece of heartache, love, and Light.
Just thought I’d share this lovely PSA for your reading enjoyment!Are YOU letting parasites and LEECHES drink from your straws and feast on your life blood?
Good grief, I truly hope not. As for me, I stopped handing out my straws so freely a few years ago. It wasn’t immediate, of course, but rather, quite the gradual and painful process. Setting boundaries was difficult for me, because I’m an empath, and despite what some choose to believe, I don’t take pleasure from either hurting people or seeing people hurt. Even so, the “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Here … take one my straws” days are gone and OVER! There was a time not too long ago that I didn’t even realize how valuable my straws were, so I’d hand them to practically anyone.
That was then!
THIS IS NOW!
“This me” and “that me” seem to have finally come full circle, and I suppose in many ways I’ve now become a raving biotch. I also suppose, however, that it just depends on who’s near me and my straws! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m an actual living QUEEN, and queens don’t take scraps or bullshit from anyone!
These days, I’ll only ever give what I will get back, because my time, effort, attention, and energy are some of the most precious commodities around. My straws are reserved for other kings and queens, and I don’t do toxic with anyone. I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN kinda too good for it:
Hi everyone, it’s me, – CAT! I am THE nicest BITCH you’ll ever wanna know, but these drinking straws of mine are PRICELESS. So, if you really, REALLY want one of ’em, you best bring your A-Game for me, ’cause momma ain’t playin’ around no MO! I’m in this to WIN it, and lions don’t associate with sheep. Unless, of course, they’re having them for dinner! But hey, THAT’S a different story for another day!
Now then, please do enjoy this all too fitting drinking straw parasite serenade from perhaps my favorite “don’t you DARE take BULLSHIT from ANYONE” sponsors of all: The one … the only … the man, the myth, the legend … THE IVAN!
After a deep and meaningful heartfelt intersection with my MUSE last night, or rather should I say, “a 4am meeting of the masterminds“, I’ve decided that this needs to be said: This song is a lifetime favorite of mine! I still love Dokken very much and still listen to them all the time. (“Under Lock And Key” is one of my lifetime favorite albums.)
“Will The Sun Rise?”
As I told my muse, the meaning of this song used to go RIGHT over my hairspray encrusted head. But now when I hear it, it wants to make me sad. I’m a grown up now. I’m a mother now. If I’m lucky? I’LL BE A GRANDMA ONE DAY … a “Crazy Grandma Cat“! These days we are living in, where it seems that Atlas really is falling?
The contemplation of “the Sun rising of it all” does tend to give cause for a fair amount of panic. But then I stop and think for a minute about everything I know to be true, and my perspective instantly shifts!
“Will the Sun rise? Yes. Yes, it will! I’ve “gotten” to learn this the very beautifully hard way. The lights go on … then they go off … the dark of night comes … then so does The Sun … all in the process of revealing the Brighter Side Of Grey.
Meanwhile …
Now is the time to share this song with your still impressionable teen. Have them listen and tell you how it makes them feel. The words to this beautiful, 35 year old melody have never been more relevant, and sharing them with a young person in your atmosphere could be a great opportunity to start a “music therapy conversation“.
I’m STILL the most blessed woman that I know!
If you look closely at the image on which I’ve put the lyrics to this song, you will see that it’s the “negative perspective” of a sketch I made from my father’s cigarette ashes years ago. But look below now to my “brighter side perspective” today. It’s my truth in my grey and it’s EVERYTHING! And, with that, I once again leave you with this …
Some days I rise with all the words I need to say just pouring out of my soul, and often because of a dream. Like today, which would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. It’s been just over a year of on this road I never planned to travel, and though I knew it was fast approaching, I also knew it would be a major turning point in my final ascent out of the darkness and into The Light. Let me tell you how my beautifully shattered life works …
To begin, indeed, I dreamt last night, but not before closing my eyes to the ethereal sound of my daughter and her crew’s Halloween shenanigans up above. Lol. Did I ever tell you that one of the very few flaws with Williamson Manor is that Gia’s theatre and game rooms are directly above my bedroom? YUP! They are! As it turns out, though, it’s not a flaw at all! Believe it or not, especially in this last 438 days, those echoes of stomping, laughing, and chaos into the wee hours of so many nights are but a lullaby to me. It’s why he built this home, “from the ground up“, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Knowing she’s here, happy, safe, and whole, is one of the realities that comforts me the most.
Damnit, I’ve digressed. Where was I? Oh, my dream! I was front row center at a Five Finger Death Punch show, but instead of a traditional concert venue, it was an intimate gathering where Ivan was singing to me:
The widow’s life ticks out like clockwork … a thousand tears she’s cried a hundred times before. But now that he is gone, she’s ready to move on …
As he was singing, a single tear fell from his eye, but it wasn’t Ivan’s face I was seeing. It was Zack’s face on Ivan’s body holding that legendary “tuning fork mic stand” of his in one hand, while reaching out to me with the other like a muse calling out to her daughter. He was practicing “the great alchemy“, just like he always does, and delivered a message from The Cosmos straight to my heart and soul. It was the most absurdly beautiful insanity imaginable! In the dream, I was thinking to myself, “This HAS to mean something, but what?”
Then, I woke up and I KNEW!
In order to fully appreciate where I’m going with this, you must understand that I am led solely by intuition and feelings. Call me a spiritualist. Call me a “good witch”. Call me a “practical magician“. Call me whatever in actual Heaven or Hell that you want. It’s my truth, and it’s never gonna change:
In every thing there is a meaning, in every moment a message, and something means everything, even if it’s nothing!
Am I bat-shit effing crazy? Perhaps I am. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, and let me tell you why: What if I’m RIGHT? What if it’s true? What if the Cosmos really is speaking to me? What if it really is Zack communicating with us through the fog and the crows and the lights in the bathroom? That, my friends, is the “crazy” blind faith that costs me nothing, but gains me everything!Sooner or later, I, too, will cross on over, and either I’m right or I am wrong about everything I believe. Meanwhile, just after waking from that most ethereal dream, this was right beside my bed. It’s nothing, really. Nothing at all. Just one of Gia’s bracelets that either Good Cat or Bad Cat must have found and deposited at the exact spot my foot hit the ground. “C’mon Cat, it’s just a bracelet.” Ya think? But why did it show up in the “endless” twist of “F8” that way? Hmm?
So, with that …
Ten years ago today, I kissed a frog who turned into a king. Five years ago today, that king turned me into a princess. Today I woke up from a dream on the edge of literal “eternity”. With that, I was reminded of the endless joy he brought to my life that I get to keep until it’s my time to see the brighter side of grey. There will never be a day that I’m not eternally grateful for the true love and immeasurable gifts he left me with, not the least of which is the fire he lit in my soul that will light my way through every darkness. Loving that man changed my life forever, so it’s no wonder that losing him has done the same.
Today is the day!
I think it’s finally time for me to start moving on, whatever that actually means, and I’ve asked God to just keep leading my way. My heart is completely open to anything and everything, but as for now I’ll just keep inhaling every moment one precious breath at a time and holding them in for as long as possible, for I know full well that every time I exhale, I’ll be making the space for whatever is out there waiting for me. Knowing God the way I do, the chances are high that whatever it is will be extraordinary. In the meantime, win, lose, or draw, this is the beautiful picture of me that I’m always going to love the most and the “me” I’m going to punctuate the world with!
Happy anniversary, Zachariah, my love. I don’t mind you hanging with us as long as you feel it’s necessary, but hey – don’t wait for me here. I’ll be there soon enough!
CROSSING OVER
All perched alone he sits there broken. An eldered man with storm clouds setting in his eyes. He counts the sands of time – remembering days gone by. It seemed like yesterday before it washed away. Hey, don’t wait for me there – just find your own way. Hey, don’t wait for me there – ’cause I’ll be there soon enough. The widow’s life ticks out like clockwork. A thousand tears she’s cried a hundred times before. But now that he is gone, she’s ready to move on. It all just fell away – it seems like yesterday. {Five Finger Death Punch}
It was a super early morning for us as we awoke to a 4:30am alarm for a 5:00am departure to her 5:30am practice. While Gia was getting ready, I popped on to Instagram only to find the picture above which literally hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, just before waking, I’d been enjoying a blissfully enchanted slumber, during which my husband had conveyed an message to me in the most surreal of ways.
It washim. I just know it! I could smell his skin, sense his touch, and feel his breathe on my face. While I won’t go into detail, because believe it or not there are many things I’ll keep safe inside the most private places of my heart, in this fantasy he had been shadowing me as I moved from one house to another.
He was there … but he wasn’t. I could see him … but I couldn’t. Yet, at every turn I’d made that day, his presence was lingering behind me in a haunting but not frightening way. At the end, what had ’til then only been an eclipse of his presence, turned into his physical body. There we both stood tightly embraced with our hands locked together when I asked this most profound question:
I know where you are … I believe it in my heart … but I just NEED to hear you say it. Am I right? Are you There now? WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY?
I didn’t hear his voice, as he never spoke a word, but, indeed, he communicated in the sacred “1-2-3 hand squeeze” we’d shared during our season. His answer to my question was emphatic: “One squeeze for yes”, not “two squeezes for no”, right on cue to my prompt.
As this first year without him has all but flown by, I’ve made absolute peace with his suicide. The heartbreaking pain of his manytragic truths was so far beyond sobering that it still reduces me to tears to sit with. Unless or until you’ve born the cross of seeing a person dying out loud in the egregious way that he did, you couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of relief I felt upon the release of his mortal shackles. He had held on for dear life as long as he possibly could until the day he died, but when the end of his darkness finally settled in, Fate stepped in with the blow.
Still, let’s go back to how this morning with Gia even started. We’d backed out of the garage to find ourselves greeted by a bright orange moon on fire and ethereal setting in the field that abuts our driveway. We were in such connected tangent that it was alarming, but also comforting. The intrinsic conversation that soon availed tapped directly into our understandings of “all of this”, yet far beyond our simply dimensioned minds have yet to fathom. She knows what I know, and I know what she knows, which is ALL either of us needs to know. It’s so powerful.
Keep in mind that the first song that cued up when the engine started today was “Remember Everything“. That had to have meant something … I just knew it! Sufficed to say, though, that neither of us can listen to it now without being reminded of everything we remember about not just our lives, but Zack’s and Christian’s as well. But here’s where it gets even more interesting. After I’d dropped her off and was headed home, that other song I love to hate found it’s way to my speakers:
The Tragic Truth.
IT DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY THIS TIME! Instead, I just smiled as I rolled on down the road with my gaze fixed hard into the sky from which I heard his voice serenading me with those tragically truthful words:
It’s the demons I’ve created for myself … the Tragic Truth … it’s hard for me to understand myself, so it has to be hard as hell for you.
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was everything! Even as I write this I’m smiling again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him, know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. No more voices screaming inside his head.
My “circadian life” is so much bigger than I will ever know, and my adventure still isn’t over. All it took was one cryptic message from The Cosmos to remind me, yet again, that I’m an incredibly blessed widow. In case I’ve never said this, let me say it now: I truly believe that I’m God’s favorite daughter, even despite the many circumstances in my life that seem to prove otherwise. For this, I am as eternally grateful as I am for the true and immense love I still feel that continually travels the distance from from light years away.
There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.
There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside. Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on The Divide.
Don’t you see? None of this is about you! It has NEVER been about you! IT’S ABOUT THEM! Not just your babies … all the lives you’ll have touched before your time is done … if only for a season. Your greatest treasure and greatest triumph are in knowing just how truly insignificant you really are in the bigger picture of it all. Your “valuelessness” is your greatest value! Your “powerlessness” is your greatest power!
It started out as such a beautiful day as we awoke to a bright blue sky, ate breakfast together, worked out together, then split up for the day so that Zack could see his therapist and Gia and I could go run some errands. He seemed happy. Genuinely happy. We’d been working SO hard to keep his head above the water, and I, the eternal optimist, was counting on the fact that everything was going to be okay and we were going to get him out of the darkness. How little did I know that the darkness was truly settling in all around us.
At just after 2pm, while the rest of the world was just turnin’ and Gia and I were shopping, playing, and getting ready for our “double date” with the boys, the love of my life and one of the MOST beautiful souls I’ve ever known was standing at the Cabella’s counter just a few parking lots away buying the Springfield handgun he used to end his life 14 days later.
PLEASE stop what you are doing right now and take a good look around. I implore you to pay attention and take nothing and NO ONE for granted. One of those faces you see either standing right beside you or faded into the crowd just may in fact be the “happy, smiling face” of a human being who is secretly dying inside … especially during times like these.
Studies are showing that as “Atlas has been falling“, social isolation, anxiety, uncertainty, chronic stress, and dire economic difficulties have led to both the development and exacerbation of depression, substance abuse, and a host of other mental illnesses. Given that stress-related psychiatric conditions are often associated with suicidal behavior, it’s no surprise that the suicide rate has skyrocketed.
I find no coincidence in the sobering and twisted fact that while unbeknownst to me, my husband was enacting the tragic plan to end his own life, I was making an entirely different kind of plan later that same night to help slay dragons and demons of my own:
As I’ve become passionate about raising mental health awareness with all my waves and ripples, this particular post that I wrote in a widely read question and answer forum I contribute to is my most prolific pieces so far:
I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection”. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. Thank you for the kind words and vast support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness or anyone else’s have been in vain.
At over 150,000 views and 6,000 “shares” and counting in virtually every country and language, while “this day” in my life will always remain a truly bittersweet part of my story, I REFUSE to let this fucked up, “fate-filled” moment in our family’s history have been in vain. It will not define me as a victim, because I am CHOOSING to see it as a “Lions Gate Portal” to manifesting something truly powerful from it’s wreckage.
Last night, while the unsuspecting world was either peacefully sleeping or wresting with the Devil, something cool happened in the subculture I live in called “Knucklehead”. It was the official video release for one of my favorite songs, “A Little Bit Off”. Guess what people? I just woke up to Christmas in June and couldn’t be any more stoked!
PICTURE IT …
A seemingly “normalish“, 51yo woman sitting in bed singing along to a ridiculous music video, swaying back and forth and waving her fist in the air! (Lol. Yes, that really happened.) If you haven’t figured it out by now, much like the leader of this crazy Pride I’m in, I, too, am an oxymoron, and my Knucklehead card is one of my most powerful flexes. “The REAL Cat Williamson”: Loves people. Hates peopling. Loves Light. Hates dark. Loves love. Hates hate. Loves being broken. Loves being whole. Loves Jesus.
Jean-Claude Van DAMN there are many days that I just wake up feeling OFF. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! I spent nearly an entire lifetime being ashamed of my “fuckin’ crazy” and even more so the train wreck I emerged from. That was then. This is now. THESE DAYS I FUCKING EMBRACE IT! Leave it to this gang of creatively genius, beautifully disastrous, oxymoronical MANIACS to help me figure out that not only is it okay for me to be a jacked up effing mess sometimes, it’s also okay for me to yell, scream, and holler it out loud any fucking time I want to! So, with that, make it a great day and here’s hoping YOU can embrace your “off days”, too!
This is Ivan. He’s the lead MANIAC for the band of my life, Five Finger Death Punch! Ivan isn’t your run of the mill guy, and to some he may seem kinda scary. Covered in tattoos as he serenades the world from the darkest depths of his being, he’s the living embodiment of alchemy, and one of my very few heroes! He level’s up his “Phoenix” to an entirely different vibration if you can just look past the scars on his bleeding soul. “What you see is what you get.” Nope! Not with Ivan! He’s a completely open book and a total mystery, as on one hand he seems to be telling us everything about himself, while on the other no one really knows him. That’s how I feel about myself by the way, but where in the HELL was I going with this? Oh, yes, I remember … it seems I’ve been “shooken” by a ghost yet again!
Earlier this week he posted a clip of himself “TikTok-ing” with his daughter which immediately cut my heart in a brand-new place that I never knew needed to be cut. It was one of the sweetest things I think I’ve ever seen, while also one of the saddest. You see, I am a daughter who cannot help but wonder, “What could have been if my larger-than-life father had danced with me in the living room”?
So, here’s the thing, people: He’s probably worth a gazillion bucks and has a cult-like following worldwide. But when the lights go down at his final show, what do you think that beautiful little girl of his will tell her about her daddy? “Grandpa Ivan was a rock and roll star” or “Grandpa Ivan danced with me in the living room”? I’m betting it’s gonna be the latter.
My daughter had two dads to take her to the castle, which I find rather amazing. While her “step dad” escorted her to most of them, her real dad escorted her to a couple as well. Neither of them was perfect, and both of them hurt her in complicated yet delicate ways, but at the end of the day I just know in my heart that she’ll treasure those dancing days forever! She’s an incredibly lucky girl, but I’m an even luckier mom, so beyond thankful for both of the princes who danced with their Cinderella!
If only you could spend a day or two kicked back in a performance hall laden with mind-blowing acoustics to hear the soundtrack that coincides with my life via this Diary, oh, what a thrill you’d be in for! The concert of my life includes the highest of high, and lowest of low twists, turns, loops, and lulls that could only be rivaled by the most epic of roller coasters ever built. The melodies, ballads, thrashers, and beats on the “repeat” playlist in my mind and on my speakers ranges from orchestral compilations to “death metal” and Jesus, and everything else in between.
Five Finger Death Punch is one of my all-time favorite bands and their music was being woven into just about every part of my story long before I even knew who they were. I’m not gonna lie … it’s a little rough around the edges, and definitely not for the faint of heart. What we “Knuckleheads” know, though, is that behind every “fist in the air” and “finger to the sky” are the silent tears and broken pieces of men literally bleeding their souls out loud. Whereas the untrained ear hear “bitterness, hate, and defeat”, the Knucklehead hears tragic truth, hard-earned wisdom, and even the lighter and brighter part that that comes afterwards.
This morning, I posted this on a Death Punch page I follow:
Hello tribesmen. Hope you’re all faring well in this COVID operation. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here locked in my house with only my German Shepherd and my thoughts. When I posted this on my blog today, I went back to read it then closed my eyes and had THE best imaginary scenario about me and ALL OF YOU …
It’s two months from now. The pandemic has desecrated the earth. People are literally insane, like, real life “Walking Dead” martial law civilian chaos. But MY TRIBE is thousands of fed up, pissed off, “not right in the head” but actually VERY RIGHT IN THE HEAD, well-prepared, “life’s been priming us for this shit since the day we were born – how YOU doin” inked up, leather clad, metal in their faces, weapons-ready warriors and bulletproof phoenixes that the world once thought were just a bunch of angry freaks, losers, weirdos and assholes grinding their axes for NOTHING! Then? We take over the world! It was THE best mini-movie I’ve ever watched in my mind!
Let’s be ready to pick up our axes and start swinging, and this can be our fight song! Happy Friday everyone. Love all of you angry freaks and weirdos. No, really!
So, here’s my THRASHER vibe for the day:
“Outlaws & Outsiders”
If “Coronapocalypse 2020” is really coming for us, rest assured that you’ll find me and mine living in the EPIC rogue society this song is conjuring in my mind! An army of formerly voiceless, broken, set aside, forgotten, hated, misunderstood and shame-filled “less-thans” whose lives have been preparing them for social distancing from the moment they were born? HELL TO THE YAH! They’d be the best tribe to survive with if the end of the world is really coming, complete with their giant axes in the air as they go searching for all the other survivors. Once upon a time, some of us actually lived beneath rocks for this hypothetical moment in time! Just sayin’ …
OUTLAWS & OUTSIDERS
Got a gypsy soul. I’m a rebel and rogue and I’m always on the run. With a fire inside, I ain’t ever gonna die. I’m a locked and loaded gun. When the matches strike and the gasoline lights, it’s only just begun. One thing I learned, is you can watch it all burn, but the flame ain’t ever done! Ooh … Raise ’em up a little higher, your lighters, outlaws, and outsiders! Ooh … Some call me a renegade. The enemy. Throw your hands up if you feel the same. Whoa, living life at the edge.
Just say what you wanna say or walk away! I’ll stand tall when there’s hell to pay! Ain’t no power higher. We’re the outlaws and outsiders! Mm, yeah.
I was born in the dark with a fearless heart and a taste for the other side. I was a crazy-ass kid. All the shit I did. I’m amazed that I’m still alive. They thought I’d change with a little bit of age, but you know I never will. Takes too much time to walk a straight line and I don’t have time to kill. Ooh … Raise your fists up higher, you fighters, outlaws, and outsiders! Ooh … Some call me a renegade. The enemy. Throw your hands up if you feel the same. Whoa, living life at the edge.
Just say what you wanna say or walk away. I’ll stand tall when there’s hell to pay! Ain’t no power higher. WE’RE THE OUTLAWS AND OUTSIDERS!
(Cory Marks with Ivan Moody, Travis Tritt & Mick Mars)
I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow. I’m writing this in case I’ve moved along. There’s something that I hope you’ll remember: That life is not a game, it’s a song. So, take the best parts of me, locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey. If you’re reading this, I know you’re feeling sorrow. If you’re hearing this, I know you’re probably scared. Just know that all the things you own are borrowed, and all you get to keep is all you’ve shared. So, wipe away the tears for me, know that we’ve made history. Remember no one ever really dies. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey.
THIS PICTURE. It’s one I sketched in my early 20’s using the literal ashes from both my father’s and His ashtrays. At the time, I had no idea the impact this or any of my 32 Sketches would have on me down the road, yet as I look at them now, I can’t help but notice that although I was in very dark place when they were born, something inside me was distantly hopeful. Still … this one. It begs the younger me to stay focused on the very bright future I couldn’t see through the fog I was in yet was patiently calling to me all the while.
If you know me well, you know that grey is my favorite color, which is evident in my predominately “black and white” or “nothing but grey” artwork. What’s interesting about this one, however, is how poignantly it reflects upon the mental illness I fought so hard to overcome for the better part of my life long before it was diagnosed. My disease imprisoned me in the dichotomy of black and white thinking and held me for ransom in the little boxes inside my mind where I stored all my pain and trauma. Before I put it into remission, I was unable to accept people, situations, emotions, or behaviors as anything other than “good or bad”, “right or wrong”, or “one way or the other”.
My entire life was black and white with no room for the grey!
I had a defensive view of both the positive and negative qualities of myself and everyone else, and there was no way for my broken psyche to allow anything in between to exist in one cohesive space.
How did this happen?
It is believed that my “splitting” was the result of severe emotional trauma, if not psychological abuse from my childhood. I tend to agree. You see, I was raised in a conditionally based system of love and acceptance. If I was “good”, I was praised, affirmed, and rewarded. If I was “bad”, I was admonished, punished, and rejected. They’d “wash their hands of me” when I screwed up or failed to follow the rules, and ZERO was there validation or consideration of my feelings. So, my mind would “split” as I desperately attempted to shield myself from the constant fear of being abandoned, betrayed, or eviscerated by anyone who claimed to love me.
For the record, I don’t believe these traumas were visited on me intentionally, but the trauma was real indeed, as was the effect it had on my psyche. For years in the wake of not only my broken childhood, but in the wake of my self-inflicted destruction, I felt alone and voiceless, regardless of the people who “appeared” to be standing beside me. As such, it is no secret that I, myself, attempted suicide on November 8, 1996, but lived to tell about it. But I’ve digressed …
Music has been an integral part of my mental wealth journey, but one of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, has been at the forefront. Their songs have not only helped identify some of my lost and broken feelings, but also given my former “voiceless self” permission to either cry my feelings to the surface or just yell and scream them out loud! I’d pre-ordered their new album months ago, had been counting the days until it was released, and was stoked to get to listen to it cover to cover while I was running errands today. Meanwhile, when this song cued up, I had to pull my car into the breakdown lane as the words began cutting me in all the most bittersweet ways. I couldn’t stop the tears and physical heartache, and literally couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most cathartic, fucked up and beautiful gifts of my life. It was as if he were singing it himself. To me. To her. To Christian. To the very few people he left behind who he ever truly loved and let into his private world. Someday, when it’s time for her to read the letter he wrote but never gave her, I will let her hear the song. Knowing God the way I do, when she’s finally able to receive these most beautiful lyrics of both our lives, in conjunction with the most impeccable words a secretly dying father could possibly have written to his daughter, they will become as significant a part of her healing as they’ve been to mine.
For more than four decades, I lived a black and white existence with no room for the grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. The grey is where I found all my truths. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace you can imagine. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and that there is always a brighter side to all of this bittersweet and beautiful grey.
I’m not gonna lie … it is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I’ll hear as they bid me farewell.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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