Look, it’s not as though I’m that hard to get along with, it’s just that I’m very particular about who and what I allow into my strange little bubble, and even more particular about the strings I allow to attach to my soul. For those who get it right, being “too close” to me is a veritable rabbit hole trip to wonderland! For those who don’t, umm, maybe not so much, because more so than not, I’ve usually already left the party before I get there. It still doesn’t change the fact that if and when I’m truly comfortable with someone, I literally NEVER shut up the fuck up. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. Sorry ’boutcha!

Am I proud of this either fatal or God given flaw and it’s accompanying elusiveness, silent exits, and “door slams“? Maybe. Maybe not. You see, at this point I’m not even remotely interested in trying to understand the often “difficult” way I am. As I’ve oft said before, some things just aren’t meant to be understood, and my “you don’t ever wanna get too close to me” personality is one of them. What I do know by now is that, indeed, I am the consummate INFJ “slammer”:

INFJ stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judgment. The INFJ is believed to be the rarest of all types, making up only 1-2 percent of the U.S. population — which explains why this personality type frequently feels isolated and misunderstood.

{“What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It? … by Introvert Dear}

Keep in mind that no one ever gets the same me twice. Once I’ve decided that something isn’t working, although I may peacefully coexist in the same atmosphere with them, the “me” that comes after I’ve realized I’m too close to something that isn’t in my wheelhouse usually doesn’t come with emotion. As you can imagine, this tends to make me seem like a cold, heartless, “untrusting” bitch, and it definitely hasn’t won me any popularity contests. I’m anything but your ordinary run of the mill kinda human being, I’m tellin’ ya, and that’s just the way that it is.

Trust me when I say that my dance card is never full, and hell NO I’m not that girl who is inundated with girls’ nights out or invitations to pretty much anything. Rather, I’m that girl who teases the masses with the chance of touching my soul, but when they try to get too close and I’m simply not feeling their energy, I slap there fucking hand away and run for the hills! It is what it is, I am who I am, and I’m pretty damn fucking okay with it. On the rare occasion that I do get included in a social gathering with people I feel connected to, I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN frigging delightful! “Peopling” either brings out the best in me or nothing at all, and I have ZERO interest in the surface level of anything. I’d much rather be “alone, but not lonely” than in an ocean chock full of way too many fish who aren’t really transmitting to my motherboard.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

{“I’m A Freak Of The World“}

So, step right up and enjoy the Real Cat freak show, my friends, or don’t, ’cause either way, I’m good. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my, err, “uniqueness”, and fucking embrace my very private world and the intuition that shrouds and protects it. There’s the door all you “people”, so, unless we’re gonna do this “peopling” thing for REAL, you might want to run as far away from that door as possible, lest it hit you in the face!

The bottom line is this …

The only “people” who have ever been able to decipher the secret language of my soul are those very few who knew how to read it before I even spoke a word. Kinda like that time I fell head over heels in love with a man whose very first meaningful conversation with me started with, “Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush??” That’s the REAL stuff that brings out the best in me. No blowing smoke up my ass necessary, just, “Wow, you look like shit!”

It seems that more and more these days, people are merely staring at and sizing each other up with their eyes and not their naked souls. BEHOLD! It’s the grand illusion of dress up and pretend where no one is ever really what they seem, and umm, I’m so not down with living a life of farce anymore. Trust me when I say that this Cat ain’t going backwards! God Himself knows it even took me more than four decades to learn how to crack my own code.

Through it all, it’s only true connectivity with relatively drama free people that makes me feel at home in unfamiliar places, and now that I’ve realized that my most genuine connection is right here with me, I’ll be hangin’ here in my Queendom unless or until someone can ignite my fire with a spark from theirs. I have no time for surface level, and even less time for toxic environments and drama, so unless and until I find safe places to be and mentally wealthy people to see, imma just stay up here on my mountain and watch all the “peopling” going on down below and thanking God that I don’t have to do it anymore.

If I’ve learned anything in my “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” years, it’s that nothing feels as lonely as being in a room full of people you know you don’t belong with because they’re either just not your cup of tea, or worse yet, not good for your mental health. Been there, done that, got the prize and the cookie, and now I’m fuckin’ DONE!

TOO CLOSE

Checking out so soon? How long you been planning this? Is it something that I missed? I really thought that I was breaking through to you. Did you run out of room? You said that you would take the risk, and now you can’t handle it? You took what you can get and now you’re through. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. It’s my mistake. I never listened when you said, “Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. You don’t want to get too close, too close, too close to me. Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. I had to find out – find out for myself. I always knew I’d be the one to take the hit, but I guess I just can’t resist all the mystery surrounding you. I’m so confused. There are just too many twists. I’ll never get away from it. I should’ve known you were too good to be true. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant? Don’t want to wonder any longer – wonder when you’ll say, “Don’t never get too close, too close, too close for me. I guess I’ll have to find out – find out for myself. {Trapt}