OCTOBER 28, 2021: “Peopling” …

Look, it’s not as though I’m that hard to get along with, it’s just that I’m very extremely particular about who I let into my bubble, and even more particular about the strings I allow to attach to my soul. For those who get it right, being “too close” to me is a veritable wonderland. For those who don’t, umm, maybe not so much, because more so than not, I’ve usually already left the party before I even get there. It still doesn’t change the fact that, INDEED IT IS TRUE, if and when I am truly comfortable with someone, I literally NEVER shut up the eff up!

Am I proud of this either fatal or God given flaw and it’s accompanying elusiveness and silent exits? Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. You see, at this point in the game I’m not even remotely interested in trying to understand all of the ways that I am, because as I’ve said before, some things just aren’t meant to be understood, and my “you don’t ever wanna get too close” personality is one of them. What I do know by now is that indeed I am the consummate INFJ “door slammer”:

INFJ stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judgment. The INFJ is believed to be the rarest of all types, making up only 1-2 percent of the U.S. population — which explains why this personality type frequently feels isolated and misunderstood.”

{“What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It? … by Introvert Dear}

Keep in mind that no one ever gets the same me twice. Once I’ve decided that something isn’t working, although I may coexist in the same world and sometimes even the same space with them, the “me” that comes after I’ve realized I’m too close to something that isn’t in my wheelhouse usually doesn’t come with emotion. As you can imagine, this tends to make me seem like a cold and emotionless bitch, and it definitely hasn’t won me any popularity contests.

Trust me when I tell you, my dance card is never full, and hell NO I’m not that girl who is inundated with girls’ nights out or invitations to anything. Rather, I’m that girl who teases the masses with the chance of touching my soul, but then when they try to get too close, I slap there hand away and run for the fucking hills! It is what it is, I am who I am, and I’m pretty damn okay with it. On the rare occasion that I do get included in a social gathering where there are people I truly feel connected to, Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m frigging delightful! “Peopling” either brings out the best in me – OR NOTHING AT ALL – as ZERO interest have I in surface level anything. I’d much rather be “alone, but not lonely” than in an ocean chock full of way too many fish who aren’t really transmitting to my motherboard.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

{JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World“}

STEP RIGHT UP AND ENJOY THE FREAKSHOW – or – DON’T – ’cause either way I’m all set! I no longer feel compelled to apologize for for my stamped and certified, err, “uniqueness”, and all but fucking embrace my very private world and the precious peace that shrouds and protects it. So, with that, there’s the door “people”, and unless we’re gonna do this “peopling” thing for REAL, you might want to run as far away from that door as possible lest it not so ever lovingly hits you in the face! The bottom line is this: The only way anyone will ever be able to understand the secret language of my soul is to know how to read it before I even speak a word. You know, kinda like that time I fell head over heels in love with a man whose very first meaningful conversation with me started with, Umm, do you even own a hairbrush?” That’s the sort of REAL connection that brings out the best in me – NO surface level bullshit necessary, just, “Wow, you look like shit!”

It seems that more and more these days, human beings are merely staring at and sizing each other up with their eyes and not their souls. BEHOLD! It’s the grand illusion of dress up and pretend, where no one is ever really as they seem, and umm, I’m so not down with living a big fake lie anymore. God Himself knows that it took more than four decades for me to not only learn my own secret language, but stop living a life of farce, and trust me when I tell you, this Cat ain’t going backwards!

At the end of the day, only genuine connection can make me feel at home in an unfamiliar place, and now that I’ve realized that my most genuine and valuable connection is right here with good ole me, I guess I’ll just be sticking close to “home” in my whimsical ‘lil Queendom, unless or until there’s anyone else out there who can ignite the energy of my soul with a spark from theirs. Until then, Imma stay up here on the mountain and just watch all the “peopling” going on down below and thanking God that I don’t have to do it. If I’ve learned anything whatsoever in my “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” years, it’s that nothing feels as lonely as being in a room full of people that you don’t belong with. Been there. Done that. Peaceful solitude works best for me.

TOO CLOSE

Checking out so soon? How long you been planning this? Is it something that I missed? I really thought that I was breaking through to you. Did you run out of room? You said that you would take the risk, and now you can’t handle it? You took what you can get and now you’re through. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. It’s my mistake. I never listened when you said, “Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. You don’t want to get too close, too close, too close to me. Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. I had to find out – find out for myself. I always knew I’d be the one to take the hit, but I guess I just can’t resist all the mystery surrounding you. I’m so confused. There are just too many twists. I’ll never get away from it. I should’ve known you were too good to be true. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant? Don’t want to wonder any longer – wonder when you’ll say, “Don’t never get too close, too close, too close for me. I guess I’ll have to find out – find out for myself. {Trapt}

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