DECEMBER 9, 2021: “The Sea Of Madness” …

Who is making the world so crazy some times? Why is it so?

{“The Quora Question”}

HUMAN BEINGS ARE WHO MAKE THE WORLD CRAZY! Why is that so? Read these poignant and powerful lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all times by one of my favorite bands of all times:

Out in the street somebody’s crying. Out in the night the fires burn. Maybe tonight somebody’s crying – reached the point of no return. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. Like the eagle and the dove, fly so high on wings above when all you see can only bring you sadness. Like a river we will flow. On towards the sea we go when all you do can only bring you sadness out on the sea of madness. Somewhere I hear a voice that’s calling. Out in the dark there burns a dream. You got to hope when you are falling to find the world that you have seen. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. It’s madness! The sun don’t shine out the sea of madness. There ain’t no wind to fill your sails. Madness!

It’s the darkest, most twisted and tragic truth of all. This world we live in can indeed drive even the best us to literal insanity. The best that we can do is just “the best that we can do” while trying to keep our mind and not our eyes focused on what lies beyond the vail.

Let’s be honest people – humanity is not for the faint of heart, and only the strongest survive it unscathed with their heart and soul in the one cohesive unit from whence they first began. Don’t get me wrong, the hope is still very much here, it’s just this fucking WORLD and all the people in it that destroy our vision of eternity and desecrate our spirit.

As for me? I keep my mind’s eye focused on The Cross to keep from drowning in the sea of madness. These days I see myself as an actual risen phoenix ever soaring above it all. My gravity defying steel wings may be invisible, but trust me when I say they’re behind me. I’m forged of fire and Light, and power and grace, all of which are impermeable and infinite.

As and aside, I find it no coincidence that the day I saw this question posed on Quora, I’d had just spent the morning drive to school with my daughter listening to this song, because that’s how my beautiful life works. I was explaining to her how when I was just about her age and first stumbled upon this song, every time I’d listen to it I would literally close my eyes and imagine that I was an albatross flying high above the water. But then she quickly stopped me and said:

No, momma, you are not an albatross. You’re something much better than an albatross.

Little did she know that not two minutes after she got out of the car, I had to pull into a parking lot near her school to contemplate the magnitude of what she’d said. Based upon the fact that after she’d spoke those beautiful words I was immediately flooded with emotions, I knew I needed to stop somewhere and sit with my thoughts so that perhaps they’d come full circle. So, I googled the word “albatross” and this is something I found:

If you describe something or someone as an albatross around your neck, you mean that they cause you great problems from which you cannot escape, or they prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Wow! Just WOW! When I think of all those years gone by that I pictured myself as that spectacular bird just soaring across that ocean, I am actually astonished. Up until today, it was a correlation that I was proud of, but how could I have been so wrong? Although an albatross is indeed a formidable creature, it’s life isn’t exactly the stuff of fantastical dream. Sure, they can ride the wind for hours on end with neither rest nor flap of wing and can go years without ever touching solid ground, but they’re also very lonely, are constantly in a state of survival, and never really find a stable place to call home.

Truth being told, I suppose I was an albatross for way too many years to count, so perhaps that’s why I never realized that such a connotation about myself was negative. Even more truth being told, in so many ways I used to be the albatross around my own neck. Until I found a better set of wings, I am the one who prevented me from doing all of the things I wanted to do. But that was then, this is now, and good GRIEF was my daughter ever right when she said I was “something much better than an albatross”. I’m a fucking risen QUEEN, my wings are now made of FIRE, and although as my “phoenixing above all this madness” does keep me afloat more so than not, my metaphorical feet are always on the ground now at the place where I call home: ME.

OCTOBER 28, 2021: “Peopling” …

Look, it’s not as though I’m that hard to get along with, it’s just that I’m very extremely particular about who I let into my bubble, and even more particular about the strings I allow to attach to my soul. For those who get it right, being “too close” to me is a veritable wonderland. For those who don’t, umm, maybe not so much, because more so than not, I’ve usually already left the party before I even get there. It still doesn’t change the fact that, INDEED IT IS TRUE, if and when I am truly comfortable with someone, I literally NEVER shut up the eff up!

Am I proud of this either fatal or God given flaw and it’s accompanying elusiveness and silent exits? Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. You see, at this point in the game I’m not even remotely interested in trying to understand all of the ways that I am, because as I’ve said before, some things just aren’t meant to be understood, and my “you don’t ever wanna get too close” personality is one of them. What I do know by now is that indeed I am the consummate INFJ “door slammer”:

INFJ stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judgment. The INFJ is believed to be the rarest of all types, making up only 1-2 percent of the U.S. population — which explains why this personality type frequently feels isolated and misunderstood.”

{“What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It? … by Introvert Dear}

Keep in mind that no one ever gets the same me twice. Once I’ve decided that something isn’t working, although I may coexist in the same world and sometimes even the same space with them, the “me” that comes after I’ve realized I’m too close to something that isn’t in my wheelhouse usually doesn’t come with emotion. As you can imagine, this tends to make me seem like a cold and emotionless bitch, and it definitely hasn’t won me any popularity contests.

Trust me when I say that my dance card is never full, and hell NO I’m not that girl who is inundated with girls’ nights out or invitations to anything. Rather, I’m that girl who teases the masses with the chance of touching my soul, but then when they try to get too close, I slap there hand away and run for the fucking hills! It is what it is, I am who I am, and I’m pretty damn okay with it. On the rare occasion that I do get included in a social gathering where there are people I truly feel connected to, Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m frigging delightful! “Peopling” either brings out the best in me – OR NOTHING AT ALL – as ZERO interest have I in surface level anything. I’d much rather be “alone, but not lonely” than in an ocean chock full of way too many fish who aren’t really transmitting to my motherboard.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

{JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World“}

Step right up and enjoy the freakshow, or don’t, ’cause either way I’m good. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my, err, “uniqueness”, and all but fucking embrace my very private world and the precious peace that shrouds and protects it. So, with that, there’s the door all you “people”, and unless we’re gonna do this “peopling” thing for REAL, you might want to run as far away from that door as possible lest it hit you in the face!

The bottom line is this …

The only ones who have understand the secret language of my soul are those few who knew how to read it before I even spoke a word. You know, kinda like that time I fell head over heels in love with a man whose very first meaningful conversation with me started with, Umm, do you even own a hairbrush?” That’s the REAL connection stuff that brings out the best in me. NO surface level necessary, just, “Wow, you look like shit!”

It seems that more and more these days, people are merely staring at and sizing each other up with their eyes and not their souls. BEHOLD! It’s the grand illusion of dress up and pretend where no one is ever really who or what they seem, and umm, I’m so not down with living a life of farce anymore, and trust me when I tell you, this Cat ain’t going backwards! God Himself knows it even took me more than four decades to learn how to crack my own code.

At the end of the day, only genuine connection makes me feel at home in an unfamiliar places, and now that I’ve realized that my most genuine connection is right here with good ole me, I guess I’ll just be sticking close to “home” here in my ‘lil Queendom unless or until there’s anyone else out there who can ignite the energy of my fire with a spark from theirs. Until then, Imma stay up here on the mountain and just watch all the “peopling” going on down below and thanking God that I don’t have to do it. If I’ve learned anything whatsoever in my “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” years, it’s that nothing feels as lonely as being in a room full of people that you don’t belong with. Been there. Done that. Peaceful solitude works best for me.

TOO CLOSE

Checking out so soon? How long you been planning this? Is it something that I missed? I really thought that I was breaking through to you. Did you run out of room? You said that you would take the risk, and now you can’t handle it? You took what you can get and now you’re through. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. It’s my mistake. I never listened when you said, “Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. You don’t want to get too close, too close, too close to me. Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. I had to find out – find out for myself. I always knew I’d be the one to take the hit, but I guess I just can’t resist all the mystery surrounding you. I’m so confused. There are just too many twists. I’ll never get away from it. I should’ve known you were too good to be true. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant? Don’t want to wonder any longer – wonder when you’ll say, “Don’t never get too close, too close, too close for me. I guess I’ll have to find out – find out for myself. {Trapt}

OCTOBER 24, 2021: “God’s Favorite Daughter” …

I’m Cat Williamson. The REAL Cat Williamson, not the fake one! I’m the Queen of the world who has crossed over to the upside of everything, yet I’m the most wretched but not God-forsaken woman in all the land. I am big. I am small. I am nothing. I am everything. I’m an oxymoron. I’m an apostrophe. I am perfect. I’m am FLAWED! I’m a pebble skipped across a pond who is valueless and valued the same. I truly am power, grace, and beauty rising“. I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lioness, yet I am humbled by my literal insignificance.

Look at me …

I’m really am like the Sun. I’ll blind your eyes and get under your skin then blow out your eardrums with my words. I SPEAK THE TRUTH DAMNIT, love me or hate me, ’cause I don’t really care. Nothing about me is anyone else’s concern, unless I so choose it to be, just as NOTHING anyone thinks about me is mine. I’m the FIRST of me, and the last of me, ’cause there’s never gonna be another one like me, and I’m still the luckiest girl on this planet.

Look, if I’ve learned anything of real value in my “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” years on Earth so far, it’s that once a person has truly seen themselves through God’s eyes in a mirror, not only will their heart never be the same again, but they’ll never EVER see this world and the people in it with their own eyes the same again. I’m SO thankful for what I see when I look into my mirror now … I SEE HIM!

I’m God’s ACTUAL

Favorite Daughter!

So, too, are all of you “God’s favorite children“, but not unless or until you take hold of that crown He placed upon your head and own it!

THAT is who I am.

THIS is who I am …

WHO I AM

Look at me, I am the Sun – I’ll blind your eyes, the only one. Look at me, when night sings blues – I’m the only one, yes I’m your muse. Look at me, make no mistake – Fashioned with earth, molded with clay. I’ll tell you how I face the day – LIVE LIFE, RAISE HELL, LEFT NOTHING UNDONE. Who I am? Who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Look at me – I’m not like you. I’m number one, not number two. Look at me – a pride and joy. I came to win. I came to destroy! Look at me. Look in my eyes. Heart of a lion. I’ll fight till I die! Life’s too short to expect less. Even when I fall, I get up swinging. Who I am, who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Who I am? Who am I to me? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH! You see ho I am! Who am I to me? I just wanna be who I am. {Scott Stapp}

OCTOBER 11, 2021: “Let ‘Em Go” …

Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO!

‘Cause, sometimes it’s just like that, and guess what? IT’S OKAY! Indeed it is true … “Your life is YOUR life”. You only get one spin around this globe each day my friends, and truth be told, none of us knows when our last spin around is coming. My point being: Life’s too short and precious to let anything or anyone club you down to the ground and steal your fucking light. Just, say, NO! Oh, and one more thing …

NEVER feel bad for “not feeling bad” when the people, places, and sometimes even memories don’t make the final cut. You are allowed to be happy, at peace, and free from the deadweight of all those toxic fronds. Besides, you can’t grow any new leaves without losing the dead ones first. Meanwhile, the garden of your life is patiently waiting for you, and has been all the while, so I say GET TO PRUNING! While you’re busy trimming things down, here’s another one of those songs you can sing to yourself as you’re practicing self love and care and letting some fallen leaves go …

LET IT GO

Wait it out ’til the light. Take a breathe, say good night, but don’t ever go away. Wait around to find the time. Only you can take what’s mine, but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting’. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! A chance to change or stay the same. One night with out the blame that’ll never go away. Only you can make it right – to walk away and have no fight – but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I NEED TO LET IT GO … {Cavo}

JULY 31, 2021: “Padded Rooms” …

Indeed it’s true – I really DID survive my own insanity, and one of THE most stigmatic, complicated, and difficult to treat mental illnesses in the book. (Yes, there is an actual book.) Other than my faith, my children, and knowing FULLY what my purpose in this life is, my “insanity survival” is one of my most treasured badges of honor!

Hi everyone! It’s me, Cat! Once upon a time, I lost my own damn mind – LITERALLY – not figuratively – and here I am to effing brag about it! How do ya like me now?

If you are struggling with “insanity” right now, please let me assure you:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Take a look around. Look left. Look right. Chances are that one of those “normal” people standing right beside you may be struggling with some insanity of their own. Mental illness doesn’t always LOOK like insanity. So often, it just hides behind a “Look how normal I am everyone!” smile. Don’t be ashamed – GET HELP! There is a Light at the end of your Darkness.

Much love to you all …

“Crazy Cat”

JANUARY 18, 2021: “Happy” …

… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …

Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds twisted, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true!

I choose JOY!

I choose RIDICULOUS!

I choose SILLY!

I choose OPTIMISM!

I. CHOOSE. HAPPY!

MAY 24, 2020: “Reopening A Gift” …

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THE GIFT

Hold me now, I need to feel relief. Like I never wanted anything. I suppose I’ll let this go and find a reason I’ll hold on to. I’m so ashamed of defeat. And I’m out of reason to believe in me. I’m out of trying to get by.  I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong here and I’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all.  I can’t face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror. I’m so ashamed of that thing. I suppose I’ll let it go ’til I have something more to say for me. I’m so afraid of defeat. And I’m out of reason to believe in me. I’m out of trying to defy.  I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong here and I’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to The One I need. I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong here and I’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Now I’m ashamed of this. {Seether}

Today is the fifteen-year anniversary of the release of one of the most impactful songs of my life, Seether’s “The Gift”. It wasn’t until a couple of years later when I actually heard it for the first time though, Monday, April 21, 2008, just a year ahead of the nervous breakdown I’d been trying SO hard to avoid when the Circadian that had been my life finally crashed into the wall.

I remember it so vividly! I’d been out running errands and was approaching the house in which I dwelled that was certainly not a home when it availed itself on my cue. From that first solemn chord, the forlorn guitar began cutting me like a knife as I pulled into the garage. I couldn’t shut my car off and was compelled to sit and listen as the words began to play. Then, out of nowhere, a barrage of tears washed over me, literally and metaphorically. I was so numb and paralyzed in the moment that I couldn’t even lift my arms to wipe my eyes. I could neither breathe nor feel my fingertips as the music began manifesting a truly physical aching inside my heart.

When it was over, I just sat there trying to gather myself before having to walk back inside the lie that had become my life. Before I knew it, my son and daughter appeared in the doorway. He was holding her in his arms as they both smiled and waved to greet me, completely oblivious to the sobering reality that I was secretly dying.

That night, after everyone was asleep, I sat down at my computer to write a letter to God in this “Diary Of My Perfection”, which was then merely an outlet for my very private hell. The words to the song said everything that needed to be said at that moment, and thus my entry, “APRIL 21, 2008: I’m A Gift. I’m A curse.

Here I am, fifteen years to the day that one of the most beautiful “gifts” I never knew I needed became a part of the tapestry of my beautifully woven life. It took a lot of truly blind faith, time, accountability, honesty, self-discovery, and patience, forgiveness and grace for and with myself to be sitting in this chair writing this, and not a second goes by that I don’t remember how damn lucky I am to simply be alive.

When I listen to this song now, my emotions are a paradox, as on one hand I can smile as I look back and realize how far I’ve come, but on the other, I am sadly reminded of a night just weeks before he left that my beautiful husband also listened to this song while we were driving home from “somewhere” and silent tears began falling from his eyes. It rips my fucking heart out when I think of how helpless and hopeless it felt to watch him dying right in front of me and even more so that he was never able to see what a gift to this world he truly was.

If I had one wish for anyone reading this and struggling to find “The Gift”, it’s that that they listen to this song in a very quiet place and really sit with all the chords and words as you let them break you down. The answer is inside you, I promise that it is, so challenge yourself to find it. Your weakness is your strength. Being broken makes you whole. THE PAIN THAT YOU FEEL IS THE GIFT! Do the work, take your time, CRY OUT TO JESUS, and find your way back home to the place where your soul belongs … WITH YOU!

And by the way, it’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s certainly okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s such a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest: JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept. So, with that, yes … GO AHEAD AND CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream loud! Do what you must to let yourself feel everything that’s hurt you so can finally let it go! Then, someday when it’s time for you to sit back and marvel at what you’ve survived, listen to this song again. Maybe, like me, you’ll find that ONLY these words remain:

now I feel relief … I’ll hold on … I do belong here and I’m well … I’m living right …  I can face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror … I let it go … I have something more to say for me …I believe in me … I defy … now I feel complete … like I matter to The One I need … now I’m THIS … I’M THE GIFT! 

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FEBRUARY 27, 2019: “No Reins” …

no reins

Ten years ago, in the midst of a true mental health crisis and major crossroad in my life, I had a job driving big Ford trucks from Dallas to the surrounding states as a “valet” for their dealership trades. I spent so many days nights alone on out the open road just driving, crying, laughing, talking to myself, and praying to God. I’d stop in as many small towns as I could along the way in the quietest corners of “anywhere but home” and try to find as many quant cafes and stops as I could find so I could where I could just sit with some coffee and listen, observe, and absorb as many “outside my bubble” experiences as I could. That job was one of the best things I’ve ever done, had, or enjoyed, and I swear that I wouldn’t be here right now if not for it.

Back then, I was a rock n’ roll girl at heart, and in being honest, I suppose I always will be, so up until that point in my life I had never heard of either a “Rascal” or a “Flatt”. I fondly remember the bright blue, beautiful day I was driving down the I40 to Yukon, Oklahoma in a decked out, jacked up Ford F-550, when this song came on the radio that I’d never ever heard before: “No Reins“. Meanwhile, yes, there were actually horses running in a field alongside the highway, and yes, I do believe that God set up that one moment in time for me as the catalyst for the beginning of “me” and everything I am becoming today.

Now here I am, an entire lifetime of a decade later, eternally thankful for the countless tears I had to shed in those trucks that allowed me to finally begin the bittersweet process of moving on stronger, wiser and ALIVE despite the many broken roads I’d been down and sometimes still have to travel. Only, now, when I hear that song I get butterflies as I dream of all the possibilities for our daughter’s future. It reminds me that despite the words in the song where she’s “learning how to let go” and making the choice of “her”, which was clearly me back then, maybe the song can apply to Gia going forward for much bigger and brighter reasons.

Williamson and I are determined to build our girl into a mentally wealthy, confident and strong woman who will never have to wonder “who am I” and run away to save her own soul the way that I did way back then. She’ll live her life on her own terms like the QUEEN she’s destined to be, NO REINS WHATSOEVER, and I will fight for her to have that freedom until the day I’m buried and gone. Unless, of course, she finds a king of her own who is lucky enough to capture her mustang heart, run along side her for the ride of both their lives, never stop loving her unconditionally, and cherishing the beautiful perfection she will surely bring into his world, beautifully purposed flaws and all. For the record, I have been praying for this boy, wherever in this world be may already be, since the day that she was born. God has been so good to us in all things big and small, so I know that if Prince Charming is what’s meant to happen in her queendom, he will find her eventually “o’er field and fodder” and everything in between. When that day finally comes, this crazy circle my life has been going indeed will be complete and I a very happy momma!

APRIL 24, 2009: “Second Chances” …

Second

DEAR GOD:

Can I please have a second chance?

My eyes are open wide and by the way, I made it through the day. I watch the world outside and by the way, I’m leaving out today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”? Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Please don’t cry one tear for me – I’m not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice so listen close it’s only for today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved and said, “Why you always running in place?” Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. I’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”  {Shinedown}

Dear God:

Hi, it’s me again, Your lost sheep, Catherine. So they told me I should write You this letter, making “significant emotional statements” as if You were sitting right in front of me for 15 minutes. Irony of all ironies though and despite the fact that I sit here writing to You as broken and shattered as I could have possibly have ever imagined, I have never truly thought for a single minute that You weren’t somehow sitting directly beside me every second of every moment of my life. I know You are here. I can feel You in the wind and hear You constantly in the sounds of my children’s’ laughter. I actually even see You all around me in the beautiful things You have made for us and most especially when a butterfly dances past my eyes. Okay, so let me just follow along with this format they’ve given me and see where this can go.  Here is how I am really feeling: At this moment I am looking directly to You in search of some true closure and understanding. And, let this closure, if found, also be a new beginning …

So I resent You God for absolutely nothing and I think You know that I mean that. I fully believe that all of my punishments were not only earned, but more so than that, not cast down by You at all, but rather, self-punishments by my own dirty hands. I appreciate You for so many things they would be too hard to list here and I wouldn’t want to leave anything out. So how about, again, just the simple sound of my kids’ laughter. Their smiles. Their tears, their hugs. How about those two tiny little hands that grab my cheeks every morning and remind me of that I’m still alive. How about my parents, my sister and Hell, even for Him. Only You know how things are going to go for us, yet still I love Him and He did bring my beautiful children into this atmosphere. I appreciate all the beauty in this world that envelops me and even the not so pretty things that force me to concentrate on the others. Yes, God, I appreciate You more than You know. Oh, wait, You do know, right?

I thank you God for the two small miracles you placed in my path over this last twelve months: Henrik and Zack. May Your grace ever light the many roads they travel in order that the gifts of true kindness and compassion each have to offer this world may be abundantly acknowledged and accepted. They are my safe havens for once and for all … warm, safe places to land, be broken, vulnerable and heard. Never once have I known hearts so pure, except for those of my children, and never friendships as open, accepting, unconditional and trusting. You know God, that was really all I ever wanted … to be heard with out judgment, validated and accepted … for all that I am, flaws included.

I am so sorry God that I have refused to search for Your hand in all of these years. I know You’ve reached out many times but I just kept slapping Your hand away. I’m sorry for being so selfish, ego-centrical and pitiful. I’m sorry for being weak and lazy. I’m sorry for all the hatred, venom and toxic black poison that still runs inside my veins. I’m sorry for feeling sorry for myself all the time and sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry that I am stubborn not that very pliable. God, please listen to me … I’m sorry for haven taken a single one of the gifts that You have given me and pissed them all away. God, I am just fucking sorry. And for all of these things I would desperately like to make amends now.

I can’t actually say that I forgive You for anything as I do not at all believe that You have done anything wrong. As I said, I believe that my “punishments”, the guilt, shame, self-mutilation and torture, were not of YOUR hands at all – they were of my own. So then? I forgive you NOT! I do miss You though, and I mean that. It feels lonely and suffocating having severed myself completely from Your light.

So now I need to “say goodbye to the dream of how I wanted my life to be”. I want to try and let You do things Your way now. I can honestly say that I am not at all sure how I’m going to actually let that happen but I suppose these words are a start. Please hear me now. I am ready to be forgiven. Please show me the way. I want to let this go and just start over. I need a second chance now.

I love You, God … Catherine

APRIL 1, 2009: “He Remembers – EVERYTHING” …

~ The Phoenix Collaborative ~

… that moment your son sends you a bittersweet cryptic text message at 3 o’clock in the morning, and although you’re glad that he’s finally telling you how he really feels about all the ways you’ve let him down … it’s a Five Finger DEATH PUNCH straight to your heart. What he doesn’t know is that my heart is breaking even more than his, because I have to live with the sobering, tragic truth that I’m the one who’s broken his.

Dear God:

Please. Help me. Help me help them. Please. Help me find a way to unbreak my own heart, so that I can stop breaking theirs. They … will remember … EVERYTHING.

REMEMBER EVERYTHING

Dear mother, I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. Dear Father, forgive me, ’cause in your eyes, I just never added up. In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone. If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? ‘Cause I remember everything. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? ‘Cause I remember everything. Dear brother, just don’t hate me for never standing by you, or being by your side. Dear sister, please don’t blame me. I only did what I thought was truly right. It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone. If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? ‘Cause I remember everything. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? ‘Cause I remember everything. I feel like running away. I’m still so far from home. You say I’ll never change but what the fuck do you know? I’ll burn it all to the ground before I let you run. Please forgive me. I can’t forgive you now … It all went by so fast. I still can’t change the past. I always will remember – everything. If we could start again, would that change the end? We remember – everything. {Five Finger Death Punch}