MAY 30, 2011: “Fly From The Inside” …


Where do I begin? There aren’t enough pieces of paper in this printer or hours left in my life to fully and properly express how I am feeling at this moment. Christian, you made it! Against all odds, and despite the dysfunction and chaos you never asked for .. YOU MADE IT! There are literally a thousand things I want to say to you, but instead I’m going to just write the lyrics to a song that make me think of you the most these days, that also happen to sum up my own feelings in a nutshell. Inhale this song, breathe it in, breathe it out, and know that I truly believe that these are the most important words a mother in this situation could possibly convey to her son after 18 years of living through a nightmare he never asked for the way that you have.

Close the door on this chapter of your life forever baby boy. Fondly remember the many wonderful, beautiful, and happy days in your life thus far – THOSE ARE THE THINGS YOU MAY KEEP! God, PLESAE never forget them. Hold on to them dearly in your heart and call on them if you’re ever lost, lonely, or afraid. As for the rest of it? The garbage, the trash, the chaos, and the heartache? THAT’S WHAT YOU SAY GOODBYE TO! Keep only what you need of those memories so you’ll always remember how strong you can be and how much of a SURVIVOR you already are! Let those things fuel your fire of determination in changing the direction of this family’s “toxic legacy” once and for all.

Christian Peter, I love you so much … more than you will ever know. I am so proud of you, and always will be, no matter what you do or do not manage to accomplish in this lifetime. You are my son, and I want nothing but the best things in this life for you. But please always remember that many of the truly best things aren’t material “things”. True, unconditional love and acceptance, not only from others, but also for yourself, is something that cannot ever be bought. And peace of mind? While I can’t exactly say that it’s “free”, because trust me when I tell you that sometimes “peace of mind” can, indeed cost you everything, it’s also something that no amount of money can never buy. Over the course of time, you will arrive at many crossroads wherein you will be daunted by the task of choosing one door or another. Always follow your heart, Christian! All the answers you will ever need are already inside there if you’ll simply trust and believe in yourself as much as I trust and believe in you.

And hear this, too,


A couple of the other most valuable “things” in life that, yet again, no amount of money can buy, are self-forgiveness, and the ability to fall, fail, and make mistakes gracefully without the need to carry them forever on your like a cross. You’re a human being, Son, and therefore you are imperfect. Only God is perfect, and only God has the right to judge you. He is the one you will answer to when your road in this life meets it’s ends, and guess what? He already knew you’d be imperfect long before you were born, and has known every one of your mistakes before you made them! He is more than willing to forgive you for your humanness before you even open your eyes each day if only you will ask Him, and


Perhaps my biggest single prayer for you now is that you surround yourself with a good, loving, and solid support system of people who will never cease to have faith in you, never give up on you, never stop believing in you, NEVER STOP BEING ON YOUR SIDE, and will unconditionally allow you to fail and fall GRACEFULLY. People who will be proud of you when you win, but even PROUDER when they see you fall down then RISE AGAIN! I pray that you will surround yourself with people who will accept you just as you are, nothing more and nothing less, and that you never have to be faced with the unspeakably painful and daunting task of having to “say goodbye” and walk away from those people, especially ones that you have loved and trusted the most, because they refused to let you rise above yourself, move on and give you ALL the second chances you will ever need!

Inasmuch as it has taken me an entire lifetime of shame, pain, guilt, and “a cross to carry” that VERY few would let me lay down to discover that the key to all of this is the the power of grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love, please know that these things are not only a blessing to receive, but even more so a blessing to give! So then, just as I pray that you will surround yourself with people who will extend these priceless graces to you, even more so do I pray that you will extend these things to others. Learn to give, and you will be given. Love unconditionally, and unconditional love will find you. Learn to FORGIVE, and you will know forgiveness, and most importantly, HOW TO ACCEPT IT!

The world is your oyster now, my handsome first-born Prince! Get out there and start gathering your pearls! In the meantime, just know that your Mom loves you and is ALWAYS going to be here, good or bad, right or wrong, no matter what you do or don’t manage to do. I am ALWAYS on your side until my last breath and then beyond! You will NEVER be too old for me to call “my baby”, and I will NEVER turn my back on you – I promise! You’re my blood and bones, and the flesh of my flesh. YOU’RE ONE HALF OF THE BEATING OF MY HEART! I brought you in to this beautiful disaster of a world, and for that reason I will ALWAYS stand behind you as you find your way through this maze. I give you to the world now and set you free my butterfly. No wait, my “Little Star”! Remember that one?

Never forget who you are Little Star! Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky! Never forget HOW TO DREAM Butterfly! Never forget where you come from, from LOVE.

In closing, while in the process of writing this to you, I think I’ve discovered that in a way, these words are not just from me to you, but from me to me. It appears that we are both standing at a crossroad right now, aren’t we? Congratulations my graduate, I LOVE YOU! It’s time for you to FLY FROM THE INSIDE!

~ Momma


Is the weight of the world on my shoulders? Is the weight of the world on my shoulders? On my shoulders … All alone I pierce the chain. And all in all the sting remains. And dying eyes consume me now. The voice inside screams out loud, I am focused on what I am after. The key to the next open chapter. Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky. Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside. Every day a new deception. Pick your scene and take direction. And all in all I search to connect. But I don’t wear a mask and I have no regrets. I am focused on what I am after. The key to the next open chapter. ‘Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky. Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside. I can’t escape the pain. I can’t control the rage. Sometimes I think that I’m gonna go insane. I’m not against what’s right. I’m not for what’s wrong. I’m just making my way and I’m gone. {Shinedown}