Last night, I had an epiphany, and yet another piece of my puzzle fell safely into place. I spent many a summer with this beautiful woman. I wasn’t as physically close to her as many of my cousins were, but have always been extremely fond of her. You see, although I was raised Roman Catholic, it was SHE who was the one that first taught me about Jesus, and most especially that I could have a personal relationship with Him no matter what “church” I either did or didn’t dwell in, and that “just because you can’t see Him, it doesn’t mean He isn’t there.”

It was SHE who planted that mustard seeds of faith and forgiveness in my psyche so many years ago. It was SHE who taught me that it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of you, because at the end of the day, it’s between you, yourself, and the Lord to judge and hold yourself accountable (although years of self-torture and cowering to “what people would think” occurred before I began to practice this preaching).

It was SHE who taught me that just because a woman is “divorced” it doesn’t mean that God will never forgive her, or that she has to accept the accompanying guilt, shame, and stigma that society and even her own family may burden her with.

It was SHE who taught me that it’s not the “things” in our lives that matter most – it’s what we learn from our life lessons and mistakes, our faith in God, and the people we love, trust and walk beside in our journeys that do.

It was SHE who taught me about living with only my truest convictions … it was SHE who embodied this feisty, yet powerful cloth of grace from which I am woven … it was SHE who began my greatest punctuation lesson of all!

O-M-SHE!

THAT’S where I got it!

Grandma, my dear angel, for as long as I am lucky enough to be alive here, you will always be that bowl of lumpy Cream Of Wheat I eat on a crisp, cool winter’s morning with my burnt tortillas and hot cup of coffee.

Meanwhile, never shall I part with this “seen better days” Scrabble game of ours that we played together countless of times. Dare I say that literally cannot wait to have my own grandbabies sitting at that beloved game board some day with their “Crazy Grandma Cat” so I can tell them all about you, the EPIC legacy you’ve let behind, and how it was SHE who made some of the most beautiful strokes across this masterpiece I’ll be working on until the bittersweet and beautiful moment I cross over to The Brighter Side Of Grey and get to see you again.

Actually? Now that I think of it, I just realized that when I started this post, I opened with the exact wrong words. What I should have said was this:

Last night I had an epiphany and yet another beautiful TILE fell safely into place in the Scrabble board that is my life!

Here’s hoping you, too, will be standing there with my ‘lil Butterfly, my fallen king, and the many others I’ve lost along the way as the steel magnolia I will always see you as in my mind, ” … always bending, but never breaking“, just like the apostrophe you helped me become. It’s okay, Grandma. We’re ready for you to take this game to the next, BEST level of all! It’s unbearable watching you suffer this way, so, to you I sing the Anthem Of The Angels:

White walls surround us. No light will touch your face again. Rain taps the window as we sleep among the dead. Days go on forever, but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together. If you go then so will I. There is nothing left of you. I can see it in your eyes. Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye. Cold light above us. Hope fills the heart and fades away. Skin white as winter, as the sky returns to gray. Days go on forever, but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together, if you go then so will I.

{Breaking Benjamin}