CREATURES

Never again, never give in, never give in. Never again, never give in, never give in. I wouldn’t wish this on just anyone, but you seem to share my impulse. I wouldn’t take this from just anyone, but you seem to like the result. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not amused by just anything, but under the circumstances (never again, never give in)! You be the recluse. I will defend you when you’ve used up all your chances. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. {Shinedown}

I heard this song for the first time today and it literally punched me in face. Stung me. Broke me. Leveled me. DEVOURED ME! Well, almost. While I was certain I understood the message being conveyed, I did some digging and found this on a Shinedown lyrics page:

Creatures is the progression of a person from dark to light, is the first part of the actual transition. This is where the person begins to shed all of the negativity that has held them in such a dark emotional state, breaking free from the human nature and animal instincts we all have that keeps us trapped, repeating the same mistakes.

EXACTLY! It was as though She were singing it to me Herself – my very best friend and nemesis, who for more than half my life, literally tried to murder me: The Dragon that was blocking my Light! Ironically, it was ten years ago this month when I finally set my tired feet upon the most unforgiving battlefield of my life: “Me v. Her” …

I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives and I certainly don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that none of this was ever about the food, but rather, some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of shame, guilt and rage. It was about some sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become “me”: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control!  (Or so I thought!)

{“In The Light“}

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked what it was like living with an eating disorder, but my words always failed me:

But, Cat, why didn’t you just stop doing it? Why WOULD you even do it? You’ve always looked so fit and healthy.

Umm, that’s not quite how it works, but did you know that effing BITCH could have killed me? Whether it’s attempting to mutilate your physical body, or the creatures living in your mind, as far as I’m concerned, eating disorders are nothing less than passive attempts at suicide, and the words to this song say it all.

For the record, it’s never really “over”! I am here to tell you that eating disorders have no cure – only quiet remission. Even as healthy as I’ve now become, She has never actually left me, nor do I think She will ever. As is par for the course with any addiction “dragon” that a human being can face, be it drugs, alcohol, food, or toxic environments, I just say “She’s dormant now”, lying in wait for the rest of my life, such that I must always be careful not to awaken her. In the meantime, I remain eternally humbled and grateful that I somehow managed to survive her and am alive today to tell you about it. Besides, my Mona Lisa is watching all of this, and I will not rest until she is battle born and ready to fight dragons of her own!

NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS HELP PAGE

NAMI – EATING DISORDERS

HELPING SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER