A long day alone. The emptiness is so real. Never having peace of mind. Running from what I can’t see. And there is nowhere left to hide. Turn and face these empty eyes all alone. I try to find myself. I find the stranger trapped inside and I take one more step away from a face I used to recognize. Familiar shadows closing in. A Suffocating fear descends.

{The Band RED}

Happy 18th Birthday to yet another one of the most powerful songs of my life by one of favorite bands, “The Band RED“. Lol! You’re officially an adult now!

Look, if I’ve learned anything thus far, it’s that even those who are surrounded by people who love them and aren’t fighting “all alone” can slip to the darkness of a void there’s no easy way out of. Hello? Do you KNOW what happened to my husband? Although he walked alone for the majority of his life, in the end he was, indeed, surrounded by a handful of us who tried desperately to keep him from losing himself in that Godforsaken shattered mirror where he saw “nothing”:

I finally broke and my mind came undone. My body gave way as I hit the floor. My heart shattered. I lacked the strength to even pick up these pieces as they spilled across the floor while they looked at me in disapproval for the “mess” and inconvenience I made for them, but I gathered them up none the less as the whip cracked and scarred my back pushing me begrudgingly forward. I didn’t know what to do with what was left of me. I had never come this far apart. I was just a little [boy]. I just wanted to give up. Lay down. You know the rest. There is a crack deep in my soul that is still healing, but some days I feel as though it is only getting bigger. I thought I would never be strong enough to stand on my own and finally get my “shit” together. Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many ”things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way they are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love. The strength is gathering within me – I’m not little anymore! They shoved me on to the path of adulthood and I will show those who have wronged me my wrath, which will only be overshadowed by the ferocity of my love that is and was the best thing they will never have known. I spent so much time seeking their approval, when it was MY approval and favor, they should have been looking for all along.

{“Shards“}

Meanwhile … HAVE YOU? Have you ever had to pull YOURSELF out of YOURSELF all alone? Been there! Done that! Got the tattered proverbial straight jacket to prove it! That shit AIN’T for the faint of heart, my friends, and ONLY the strong survive a knock down, drag out, bloody battle in a ring going toe to toe with “themselves“. In the end, the best that any of us can can hope for is the strength to be strong alone, because no matter how many people we do or don’t have at our six, NO ONE can keep you from getting lost in a mirror but YOU!

Remember …

Behind every badass Spartan out there, there’s a story that gave them NO other choice but to learn the EPIC and DYING art of SOLO survival. Just think about everything your “cave people” went through and faced while they battled through untold triumphs just long enough to create the YOU! You are risen from their ashes, my friend. Don’t you EVER forget that! Whether you believe it or not, there truly are “solo survivors” in your very own bloodline looking back at you when you stand in that mirror!

So, with that, if you “woke up and broke it down” today … or EVER in your life … YES, I am SO fucking proud of you! Spartan on, my friends. Your victory is not in vein and trust me when I tell that someone out there has watched you rise after a fall and thought to themselves: “If they can do it, I CAN DO IT!”