Yesterday I ran across a post that really struck me (and yes, that pun was very much intended, lol). It was a super cool canvas rendition of the fight between Rocky and Ivan Drago, and after having thought about it literally all day and night, this is what I’ve come up with …
Gia and I are huge Rocky fans, as was Zack. Rocky IV is my favorite, because in my mind I have always felt it’s been “me against the Devil” in both the brightest and darkest moments of my life, and he’s the one always saying to me, “I MUST BREAK YOU”! Yet, I absolutely refuse to let him take me down!
Consequently, one of my favorite songs, “No Easy Way Out”, is from the Rocky IV soundtrack. The Sunday night before he killed himself, it was playing in the car on our way home from the gym and he was crying as he squeezed my hand three times (“I – Love – You”). Five nights later he was gone. The mask came off and it was over. Meanwhile, I’ve listened to this song over and over and over in the last 62 days, just thinking, reflecting, remembering, and “wanting to know why”. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Zack’s fighting days are done. He lost. Went down. Tapped out. IT’S OVER! But mine are not, because I’M STILL HERE, and quite clearly, I’m still standing. Am I bruised? Sure. Fat lip? Bloody nose? Black eye and some scars here and there? Absolutely!
There have been so many days this last twenty years, even in my most broken, wandering aimlessly, bent out of shape, completely incoherent, mangled, and twisted of mindsets, that I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and said,
Good grief woman, how in the HELL are you still standing? Why HAVEN’T you given up yet? WHY HASN’T THAT FUCKIN’ DEVIL BROKEN YOU YET?”
The only answer I ever come up with is this one:
IT’S HIM … NOT ME!
Please understand that in no way do I believe that I am more special, gifted, blessed or talented than anyone else. IT’S GOD! I just know it. There IS no explanation as to why I haven’t taken the “easy way out”, other than: IT’S HIM! I just feel it. In my heart. In my bones. In my soul. All around me, everywhere, all the time. When I’m happy. When I’m sad. When I’m angry. When I’m grieving. When I’m crying, smiling, laughing, screaming, and even when I just feeling like punching someone in the face.
It’s … just … HIM!
God handed me this heavyweight belt I wear, for what reason I will never understand. Zero did I earn it. Zero do I deserve it. But damn am I honored to have it! It’s the most valuable thing I possess, that cost Him everything and me NOTHING, other than my completely blind faith in “the process”. I realize, of course, that some don’t understand this, and, in fact, may think its lunacy to believe in something I cannot touch or see. But I can’t touch or see the wind, can I? No, I sure can’t! It doesn’t make it any less real to me, much less are the effects of the wind very real to me. Look, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand the damage a torrential windstorm or a tornado can do, now does it? So, with that, I am Rocky, the devil is Ivan Drago, the God I serve is the referee, and I … am … WINNING!