SEPTEMBER 19, 2020: “And On The 5th Day” …

‘Twas a beautiful afternoon that found me happily enroute to my “Saturday circle of errands”, when all of a sudden I spied something on the side of the road, which of course I had to circle back around to, because, that’s just what I do …

Did you see them? Aren’t they beautiful? Meanwhile, in the video you can hear me saying, “God is so good” … “It’s these cosmic intersections with my Creation, and my Creator, and the Galaxy, and this planet we live on … that’s what keeps it real for me!” An hour later, I posted the it to my Instagram with the following caption:

It seems that once again I’d quickly intercepted the message behind that moment: “I too am a strong, confident, badass bitch!” How cool was it that I’d wrapped up that ‘lil juncture in my mind so fluidly, and even more so that I understood that moment to be far more than just “vultures doing vulture stuff”?

THAT BEING SAID …

Another hour later I was watching the video before sending it to Gia, who of course was sure to be as fascinated by my two magnificent, feathered friends as I was. That’s when I spotted THIS:

Ummmm, okay. Just, WOW!

A song I hadn’t heard since last I’d heard it “402 days ago” found it’s way to my cue, thus releasing a bittersweet memory I had no idea I needed that had been buried underneath all the ashes …

It was the Saturday night before he left, August 17, 2019. When he got home from work, we went for a quick bite and to see “Hobbs & Shaw”, which unbeknownst to me was our last and final date night ever. Upon returning home, there was a very special song I wanted him to hear, so we sat in the driveway and listened to it together. Under the circumstances, and knowing what we both knew was happening in his mind, these words cut us deeply as we sat in the car holding hands with silent tears running down our faces:

“I will run alone tonight without you by my side. I guess you had a place you had to get to. I know your eyes. I know inside the walls you hide behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. It’s taking all my will just to run alone. When are you coming home? Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. One day the earth will open wide, and I’ll follow you inside, ’cause the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will send my rocket ship to find you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Taking all my will just to run alone, until I bring you home. Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And if the sun grows cold for you along the way. And if the stars don’t line to light the way. And when you fall away and crash back down below. I’ll search the skies for you and I’ll follow. I’ll be in your afterglow and I’ll bring you home.” ~ Starset

If only I’d known the irony in just how deeply “these words” were cutting us both, but from completely different places. Knowing what he knew about what was happening in his mind? There was an actual monster living inside it that was eviscerating any and all traces of the man we once knew to be our rock. His humanness was becoming darker as every second passed, and his inability to overcome it was steadily severing the very last chords that were tethering “the him he was” to this Earth. As I’ve shared before, his decision to put down that monster he’d been hiding behind the mask had already been made, only I didn’t know how close we were to the end. And, knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what he must have been thinking when he heard these words:

“Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you.”

In the end? He did what he felt he had to do, as not only was he in excruciating, “screaming inside his head” pain and turmoil, he didn’t want to hurt us anymore either.

Now here I am, “Saturday, September 19, 2020”. What started out as two vultures on the side of the road, which then led me to remember that indeed I am a “strong, confident, badass bitch”, somehow also reminded me of that August night 402 days ago, that song, and that bittersweet “last”, all of which now lead me to hear “these words” from a much needed hindsight:

“I must run alone tonight without you by my side. I know you had a place you had to get to. I knew your eyes. I knew inside the walls you hid behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I knew you were lost when you ran away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Now I’ll use my will just to run alone. You’re never coming home. Even though the sky did fall. Even if though they took it all. There’s no pain that He didn’t go through … you knew He had to die for you. And now that all the fires burned, and everything is overturned, there’s no more that you’ll have to go through … because He already died for you.

One day the Earth it opened wide … I couldn’t follow you inside … and now the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will take my rocket ship to find you. And though the Sun grew cold for you along the way, and the stars didn’t line to light the way. And though you fell away and crashed back down below … I’ll search the skies for you … I’ll be in your afterglow until I get Home.”

So, with that, I part with this:

“On The 5th Day”, in a far away time and place, God said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let fowl fly above the Earth in the open firmament of Heaven”. As well on that day do I think He also said, “… and it’s these cosmic intersections with My Creation, and My galaxy, and My planet, and the two magnificent vultures I created, that she will need one day … not only to help her keep it real … but to help her keep on shining My Light.”

I’m such a blessed woman.

The End

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