OCTOBER 19, 2011: “The White Balloons” …

"The White Balloons"
~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

Dear God, Husband, Daughter, Son (and ME):

Please allow me the grace and time to find the one last big push of strength, courage and determination I am begging for on my hands and knees. I’m finally ready to walk away from the past I once lived and leave it as far behind me as humanly possible so that I can now begin to rise as high above myself, my pain and all that my life had been in the past.

I desperately want to learn how to live in the rest of the moments I’m lucky enough to have on this Earth until the day finally comes, hopefully many years from now, that I can fly on ahead to what is certainly the most peaceful place of them all.

I am just so tired anymore that I can hardly even cry, but the more I do, the better I feel. The four of you deserve the best Catherine Williamson that I can possibly be and one who is so much better and stronger than the one you’ve had so far. I know that I can do this – I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE! I cannot lose another thing or sacrifice one more moment for the sake of all these broken pieces I stubbornly cling to in some ceaseless and desperate attempt to “put them all back together”. Maybe they weren’t meant to be “put back together” but instead I just needed to understand, sort through and rearrange all my broken pieces into a totally different thing instead of trying to cover them up and hide them.

Mosaic artwork and stained glass windows; two of my very favorite things in life! They’re nothing but shards and broken pieces. Yet, once they’re arranged in their own unique way and The Light starts shining through them, they become masterpieces of beauty and wonder!

God? Can You still hear me? I know you don’t make garbage, that everything is Your perfect design, and therefore so am I. Please forgive me for yet again forgetting what I’ve known for so long and help me once again carry on my way. Please God? For me, for my children and for the King you put into my path? I need to find my way again before I lose even one more wasted year.