OCTOBER 19, 2011: “The White Balloons” …

"The White Balloons"
~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

Dearest God, Husband, Daughter, Son, and ME:

I’m holding on to white balloons, up against a sky of doom … tell me you see them … ‘cause what’s inside of me is invisible to most … even in clear view. I’m sending out a signal to the possibility of you … ‘cause right at this moment. I know you are connected to a part of me that I don’t even know myself. The changes in me are likely to be like the weather … stormy and clear … strength into fear bound together. But I’ll break my silence if I believe that you and me could ever be more than just what’s been behind us.

Please allow me the grace and time to find the one last big push of strength, courage, and determination that I know I have within me. I’m all but begging for this on my hands and knees. I’m finally ready to walk away from the past I once lived and leave it as far behind me as possible so that I can finally begin to rise as high above myself and all the pain and suffering of my past.

I desperately want to learn how to live in the rest of every moment I’m lucky enough to have here on this Earth until the day finally comes, hopefully many years from now, I can move on ahead to what is undoubtedly going to be the most peaceful place of all with a soul that is as light and free as a fistful of white balloons.

I’m just so tired that I can hardly even cry anymore, but the more I do, the better I feel, so I suppose I’m gonna just have to keep doing it. The four of you deserve the best Catherine Williamson that I can possibly manage to become, and one who is so much better and stronger than the one you’ve had so far. I know that I can do this … I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE! I cannot lose another thing or sacrifice one more moment for the sake of all these broken pieces I’ve been stubbornly clinging on to in some fruitless attempt to just “put them all back together”. Maybe they weren’t meant to be “put all back together”, but instead, I just need to try to understand them, be okay with it if I can’t, then sort through and rearrange what’s left into a totally different thing instead of trying to hide them.

Mosaic artwork and stained glass windows are two of my very favorite things in life! They’re nothing but shards of glass and broken pieces. Yet, once they’re arranged in their own unique way and The Light starts pouring through them, they become masterpieces of beauty and wonder!

God? Can You still hear me? I know you don’t make garbage, that everything is Your perfect design, and therefore, so am I! Please forgive me for yet again forgetting what I’ve already known for so long, and help me, once again, to move along. Please, God? For me, for my children, and this living king on Earth you put on my path … I need to find my way back to me again before I lose even one more wasted year. I know I’m still your daughter, but I want to be your favorite one.

~ Catherine